Spoilered below is an example of a writing critique. Originally, I wasn't going to do this, but I think it is important to show the attention that I would be giving prospective stories.
This blog is a follow-up to my original entry, offering to critique pieces of writing:
1.) Re-read it with a critical eye, line-by-line, and ask yourself if you would be satisfied paying money for the line you just read. If not, it needs a re-write.
a.) Avoid repetition: both in word-use, and description. b.) Eliminate extra words and inefficient phrasing. c.) Find out the exact right word to use in important sentences. • Use a thesaurus. That doesn't mean replacing every simple word with a big one, rather use it as a tool to get your exact thoughts across in as few words as possible. (Avoid settling for approximation.)
Specific Advice:
1st Paragraph:
1.) It was a gloomy day. Although it was not raining at the time, the heavy grey clouds still lingered above from the recent downpour. 2.) A macabre ambience held grip over the small town below, it`s streets empty as the residents sought shelter from the outside chill. 3.) Nevertheless, a single small and insignificant figure roamed the urban area, a soft splash accompanying it`s every step. That figure was a girl, still in her tender years."
1.) Consider removing "It was a gloomy day," and beginning with the second sentence. The second sentence shows us a gloomy day, rather than telling us it is gloomy as the first sentence does. In addition, making "although" the first word launches the reader into the story because it is contrastive, and that creates tension because the elements of contrast are still unknown. However, I think the sentence itself should be re-phrased at the very least, and to fully capitalize on the tension created, should be made more interesting. Reward the reader for their curiosity that "although" creates, by following it with good writing. This will help you win the confidence of your readers, which is essential to creating a memorable reading experience. If the reader is confident that you are a "good writer" they will read the rest of your lines more favorably.
2.) "Macabre" is not the right word. Primarily, because it follows a description of a gloomy day, which is not specifically gruesome and horrifying. Though, I think you could passably use it after the monsters show up. I do think the town's mood needs further description, possibly by using another vivid ambient cue, e.g. all the windows were dark; a chilling wind; a pronounced silence. The current one, "sought shelter from the chill," is placing the effect of the chill on anonymous "residents" rather than the reader and thereby subtly distances the reader from the chilling feeling. Good job, though, on using sensory descriptions other than sight.
Macabre i.) gruesome and horrifying; ghastly; horrible. ii.) of, pertaining to, dealing with, or representing death, esp. its grimmer or uglier aspect. iii.) of or suggestive of the allegorical dance of death.
3.) The girl cannot be described as "insignificant" because she is the main character. She can be small, fragile, tiny, etc. Consider replacing "figure" with something more specific like "silhouette". You don't have to necessarily take my suggested word, but here is the reasoning behind the suggestion to help develop your own critical thought process:
•You've already said it's dark, which this word reinforces. •It connotes fragility which furthers your descriptive goal of making the girl fragile. •The sound the word makes when said is quiet and solemn, which again, reinforces the setting. (Say it aloud and see if it sounds quiet to you, if you disagree, then don't use it.)
So, you want to be a writer. You write stories, poems, short stories- whatever, and you give them to your friends or shitty writing group, and you receive their shitty feedback.
Well, I've got massive writing block right now, and can't write now. (Yeah, it's that bad. I'm resorting to shitty puns). Since I haven't contributed much to this website other than the occasional classic one-liner or flash fiction piece, I thought I would give back by reviewing the TL.Net's would-be writers.
You might be asking yourself what my credentials are. Don't concern yourself with that. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. (Besides, my comments on your work are still subject to your own opinion: you can choose to follow them or not.)
Rules Of Submission: •Your piece must be complete. •Your piece must have thought put into it. I'm not reviewing casual work. I will be putting a lot of thought into the review. •I reserve the right not to review all submissions. I anticipate receiving mostly worthwhile submissions, but I know I will get that one or two that is unreadable. •PM me for my e-mail address. After you receive it, send me your work in the text body of the e-mail. I will not be opening attachments.
What You Get: •One more person read your work. •Solid and articulate writing advice, with an emphasis on style, word choice, concept expression. I'm not going to be plotting your novel, but I will offer suggestions on alternative events that will better help carry the story along. •A PDF document of your work with my comments.
What I Hope To Get: •Discover a new, talented writer. •Get my writing mind turned on.
I saw a picture of her kissing someone else once, and found out something I didn't know. She furrows her eyebrows when she kisses, giving the impression of absurd ferocity. She was not noticeably pretty on her own, but had the definitive moves of a pretty girl. Her face contrived to look coquettish and/or lightly concerned with such precisely played confidence she couldn't help but be everyone's favorite, and I couldn't help but find her ambition to be beautiful, marvelous from a far. Well, she smoldered at close range. We smashed together like two swung panes of glass and exploded everywhere. It was everything like I imagined heroin to be. You cannot describe her in words as captivatingly fraudulent as she physically describes herself.
The bullet sank slowly into his calf. His tissue felt soft and gummy like marshmellow. He covered the red and pink little hole with his hand attentively, but lost patience with it after nothing happened and he began to knead his calf idly because it felt good. A bulge slowly became more pronounced as time passed. To him, it was hard to tell if the bulge was growing or if it was a trick of the mind, and it actually was remaining the same size. No longer a subtle welling force-- the ever-thinning flesh snapped back; the crescendo of force spat the guts of his leg into the air. A lithe arc of blood sprang after it, following the meteor of flying gore and its attendant specks of flesh. That was Mitzi Farrakhan for you. I hardly knew how to multiply.
Namely, girls who fail to talk about their genitals and associated uses of said genitals like 13 year-old boys. Sure, it's funny the first time, and probably the second and third too. I mean, I own a picture of a nude woman masturbating a giant and very surprised cat. But the point is, if you're spending 50% of your words in a conversation talking about your tits, vag or being wet, or banging one of your girlfriends with a variety of phallic objects and laughing hysterically at it like you're in middle school, I mean, it's just like, shit, I don't know how to talk to you seriously. Wherein do I enter the conversation? How should I begin? Should I start by proclaiming that my nuts smell like chili and I am going rub them in someone's face if they don't get me a beer ASAP? And then follow that by telling everyone to quiet down because I think I can hear the swarthy seamen, which constitute my hyper manly sperm, singing manly drinking songs as they swim around in my sac? I mean what the fuck? I don't know how to explain it, but let me just say that this is probably one of the reasons why they lump women and children together.
(My sperm are all hairy-chested pirates by the way.)
