UpMagic

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

i had this dream where i was with this girl in this part commemerating my awesomeness, and then i kissed her and was like on her or some shit, then she was like i'll be in the upstairs bathroom, then i was like fuck yeah, then i was like on my way there, then i told my buddy, yo check up on us and it ended up like me thinking she was going to kill me and it was fucked up
then before this i had a dream where i was in taiwan searching for my lost sisters that i thought i had, then i had like 9 sisters apparently.
then the last dream i had i was in a mall and some bitches where fucking with me so i fucking chase them down and i end up hitting some people and it ends with me like punching a sheet of metal and trying to pin it down, thinking its some jackass

old dream in spolier
+ Show Spoiler +

old lucid dream
JUST HAD CRAZY LUCID DREAM.
I was at school, and someone who wasn't my locker partener who was my locker partner need his text books got his text books, then this girl who was my friend wanted to see if she had her text books in my locker, no.
Then i threw out 2 old sandwichs.
Then i imagine people talking shit about me throwing food away but the food was fucking rancid.
Then i think i miss something but im in my underwear at the local lake where there is a little beach, its kind of morphed but not really. People from school are there, and random people my mind just placed there. There was some guy tecktonic dancing.
I only figured out i was in my underwear as i was leaving, i was like fucking wtf, just walked out tried to not draw attention.
As i was trying to leave i was already on the road and i had that weird walk thing where you can't run in your dream and i was like FUCK IM DREAMING, so now i try to get laid.
I try to just make it happened but that didn't work, school bell went and people where disappearing.
There was only one girl left and some douchebad who i don't even think is real, but the girl is real. So i try to get laid and somehow it ends with me saying if i chug down tonic water i get to fuck her, yeah im a failure, but i swear i had that shit, then i wake up and pissed my pants.
BUT GUESS WHAT I WAS STILL DREAMING, I WENT THROUGH THE WHOLE FUCKING OMG I PISSED MY PANTS WHEN I WAS STILL DREAMING.
oh man and in my dreams after i pissed my pants i got up from bed, and changed my clothing cleaned myself and started my xbox and started halo 3 up. Then i randomly awaken from my dream and im like WTF, I WAS STILL DREAMING? MOTHER FUCKER. COULD HAVE GOTTEN LAID IN MY DREAM

oh yeah and as i was leaving the lake on the swings where several girls i fucking remember vividly fucking bitches im going to kill them, and one of them even followed me, fuck and then thats when i try to run hence realizing it was a dream
also when i dreamed i pissed myself when i walked to the washroom my fucking computer and computer desk where in the hallway, i guess since the first thing i usually did was start my computer my dream wanted to prevent me from going online
tldr:
1. dream
2. realize im dreaming try to get laid.
3. wake up from my dream "while still in my dream"
4. wake up from dreaming i woke up from my dream. "awake now"

RIGHT NOW LOL GOGOGO
livestream.com/jodogohoo
EDIT: AUDIO WORKS NOW MAYBE : (, im sorry for all the shit that happened, its my first time doing something so complicated]

edit:~~stream works 100%~~
nvm : (, a little laggy and sync was out. oh well
steam over anyways

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: M
Stranger: hey
You: U
You: D
You: K
You: I
You: P
You: Z
You: wow
Stranger: I LIKE THEM
You: way to go
You: u fucking
You: c-c-c-c-c comooobbbbobreakkaa
You: wuld u eva hump a mudkipz if i bring it 2 clazz
Stranger: do you have adhd
Stranger: i would
You: how hard
Stranger: super hard
Stranger: at about 9000 ft lbs hard
You: i came
You: marry me
You: wait
Stranger: are u a man?
You: are u a guy or a girl
Stranger: :-O
Stranger: you read my mind
You: oh shit
Stranger: it does not matter
Stranger: we must be soul mates
You: uhh
You: k
You: but
You: how do we stay in contact
You: : \\
Stranger: morse code
Stranger: look into the sky
Stranger: and ill always be there
You: BUT
You: THERE WERE JETS IN THE SKY TODAY
You: I WAS SCARED : (
Stranger: Oh NOes
Stranger: Jets
You: my friend thought it was a gundam
Stranger: i can protect you from the big bad jets
You: thanks mom
Stranger: no problem son
Stranger:

You: uhh
You: i have huntingtons
You: i think u should get checked out too
Stranger: i have severe diarehhea
You: im srs bizns mom
You: you could die
You: i love you
Stranger:

Stranger: u break heart
Stranger: QQ
You: QQ I WILL BE OKAUY
You: I'LL BE THERE HOLDING YOUR HAND
Stranger: dont leave my side
You: I'LL BE HERE FOREVER
Stranger: and ever?
You: YES
You: but..
You: i have Spinocerebellar ataxia
Stranger: :-O
Stranger: I am giving you away son
Stranger: you are to much for me to handle
You: T_T I'LL REMEMBER YOU FOREVER
Stranger:

Stranger: Ill forget you in an hour
Stranger: or a half
You: but
You: butt
You: i
You: got in one little fight
Stranger: and i got scared
You: so i moved with my auntie and uncle in bel air
Stranger: you whistled for a cab
You: The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
You: k i didn't know
You: =_=
You: immaa failure
You: plz don't kick me out
You: i wub joo
Stranger: how can I believe anything you tell me anymore
Stranger: I feel like its all a lie
You: : (
You: you know i still love you
You: thats all that matters right
You: if anythign happened to you i would be crushed
Stranger: how do i know...
You: i
You: ..
You: but
Stranger: show me you love me
You: i don't know how
Stranger: show me!@
You: spinocerebellar ataxia is getting worse
You: i can't move my body anymore
Stranger: your typing'
You: its not me

You: my doctor is conving my messages
Stranger: how does he know what you think
You: im using my finger tips on morse code
You: since i can't move any thing else
Stranger: lies
Stranger: lies
Stranger: thats fast morse coode
Stranger: CODE
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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