Klogon's blog

"Put the toilet seat down after you're done"

Any men out there TIRED of hearing this obnoxious phrase by the obnoxious women out there when sharing bathrooms? I mean, you women should be glad that I lifted the seat up in the first place instead of spraying my urine all over the seat. Urine on the seats starts to get sticky no matter how well you wipe it off (which is why SOME FOOL MY SUITE NEEDS TO STOP DOING THIS) and I hate sitting on STICKY seats. Disgusting.

And so not only should girls thank me for leaving the toilet seat up because it then proves I cared enough to lift it in the first place, but they have absolutely no right to demand more when the act of merely lifting the seat benefits them more than it benefits me, even if I don't put it back down~!

Example: The sticky seats situation. In said situation, girls must sit down every time they urinate and thus experience said unpleasantness while I only have to do it when I drop my kids off at the pool. Basically, girls receive TWO TIMES more happiness (or as an Economist would say, "utility") than any man does by the act of me caring to take note that pissing on toilet seats = not cool.

Additionally, nobody wants to touch that nasty seat with their hands in the first place. Yet you girls still demand that I touch it TWICE, once to put it up, and once to put it down? Completely unjustified given the fact that lifting it in the first place yields greater rewards for women than for men. I mean if there was equal benefits from this sanitary action, a one-to-one ratio would suffice. For example, guy lifts it when he pees and girl can put it back down when she has to go. That way each party shares the burden of touching the disgusting seat. This is often argued as the optimum solution to the problem.

But one must remember women yield greater utility from the act of lifting the toilet seat. Thus, I can only conclude that for this to be a fair and honorable world, the girls should do all the touching of the nasty seat.

Yeah, you heard me ladies. Lift the toilet seat up after you're done. Thanks.

In the animal kingdom, most species will choose the spring time to mate and raise a family. This is a great time to do such activities because the cold, harsh winter months are the farthest away during this time, and thus the young offspring will have time to be well fed during the prosperous summer days. Maybe it is from this primal instinct that we humans derive our association of love with spring time, but after careful analysis, it is clear that instead of being a healthy strategy for our children, conception in the spring is detrimental to the mental health of our young.

First, let us start off with a discussion about Christmas. Christmas, contrary to its original purpose of celebrating the birth of Jesus, has become a commercialized national holiday where Santa Claus reigns supreme. It is not in my goal nor interest to argue for or against this transition into secularism, so let us instead discuss a topic that any rational being will agree upon: Christmas in this country means more to the young and innocent hearts than any one of us conditioned, callous adults could even imagine. The presents, the food, the environment, the lights; they are all expressions of love and warmth for the innocent child. A problem arises, however, when a woman, caught in her raging spring hormones, becomes pregnant in late March, and nine months later during the cold December winter, gives birth to a tiny victim of extremely unfortunate circumstances. Due to variables outside the bounds of its own control, this infant will be cursed to endure a childhood with a birthday so close to Christmas.

“What is wrong with that?” I am often asked. Well, if one had Cheap Korean Parents, this child would never be able to fully experience the vital ingredient to a healthy childhood which we all call “Christmas.” You see, when a child's birthday is so close to Christmas, Cheap Korean Parents (I will now call them CKPs from now on) will only either give a Christmas gift or a birthday gift and then masterfully dodge the request for the other present by saying “That Super Nintendo is your birthday and your Christmas present.”

The problem becomes magnified when a sibling's birthday lays within a few weeks from the child's birthday, but the problem turns especially acute when the sibling's comes within a couple of weeks before the child's own. In cases such as this, CKPs will claim that the Super Nintendo is in fact both of the kids' birthday and Christmas presents, and if a birthday party is absolutely necessary, will begrudgingly throw that party on the earlier birthday then go on the claim the party is for both of the kids, thus completely shafting the second kid. Psychological ramifications are of titanic magnitudes for these poor children and may be the cause of such modern mental illnesses and problems such as Anorexia, out breaks of depression, obesity, teen pregnancy, and terrorism. This abominable phenomenon of near-Christmas birthdays exists today and is clearly difficult to stop, but I believe with the combined efforts of merciful Americans everywhere, this battle can be won.

We, as responsible citizens, need to end this atrocious practice with strict regulation that does not allow conception during the periods of late February until mid May, leaving a one month buffer for anything to possibly go wrong. If regulated correctly, very few children should be born within a 30 day period of Christmas, and thus greatly reducing the misery experienced by children nationwide. So write to your congressmen and tell them of this epidemic that is plaguing millions in our own backyard. These children have no voice or power, so it is our duty as moral and ethical moderators of this society to press adamantly for legislation.

Until that legislation passes, because I happen to be a Cheap Korean Son (which later develops into a CKP through a metamorphic process called a “Wedding”), I have no choice but to have all three of my children's birthdays on December 25th. One party, one present, three kids. Please, for the sake of my children, act now.

[From June 24, 2005]

You know, when you enter a country that you are not familiar with, there are some things that people need to know. For example, if somebody was going into Korea, I would tell them to take their shoes off before entering a house, expect to sit on the ground often, etc. But apparently nobody thought telling me that each bathroom stall in China does not always have toilet paper was important.

Yes, toilet paper. One of life's essential elements. So here's the story. After getting some food poisoning, I had some pretty bad diarrhea. And so while I was waiting for my flight at Beijing International Airport, I had to go so I ran into one of the empty stalls, and let my load go. After I was relieved of the burden, I looked around and found to my dismay that there was not roll of toilet paper in sight.

I panicked.

I mean seriously, WHAT DO YOU DO WITHOUT TOILET PAPER? I couldn't just pull my pants up without smearing my feces all over my pants, so I just sat there for a while thinking. I couldn't speak Chinese, nobody in the area could speak English or Korean... so I was screwed.

But salvation came in the form of a deep Australian accent, or so I thought. This man walks in and I think was talking on his cell phone, speaking in a thick Australian accent. "I'm saved!" I thought. So I decided to call out to him.

"Excuse me. Excuse me. Any English speaking people out there? I need some help here. I'm stuck in this stall without toilet paper. I repeat, any English speakers please help me out."

No response. I called out two more times, and no response. The guy must have been freaked and ran away. So, with my plane leaving in 30 minutes, and my resources exhausted, I did the only thing a man could do in this situation:

I used the used toilet paper in the trashcan behind the toilet. My fresh poop and some chink's dried crap became one multiple times as I wiped my buttocks "clean." Now that, my friend, is freaking NASTY.

So I haven't updated this baby in a while so I have decided to award you all with a juicy story that seriously nobody has ever heard before. This story is about as virgin as they come. Yes, sometimes I do go overboard with my excitement and exhaust certain stories like a CD player on repeat, but this cute little story has never been uttered. So bust out your popcorn and prepare:

Picture a small, nerdy 11-12 year old Korean boy. Naturally, at this age, I wasn't exactly the social superstar I am now and was really awkward at times. I would hide my lack of social skills with obnoxious and immature behavior or by just being really, really quiet. And obviously, I had not really discovered or really understood the estrogen-filled world of women yet (not that any man can REALLY understand those drama Queens). But basically, I looked like this:



Actually, that's when I'm like a year or so younger, but just pretend with me, okay?

So anyways, I'm basically just an innocent boy who loves playing Starcraft. One random day, while I was probably browsing forums or playing Starcraft, somebody with a screen name like "CuuTte KitTy" or something messaged me (I can't remember the exact name) on AIM. It was obviously a girl.

CuuTte KitTy (or something): hi hyun!

Colorful, girly fonts with a girly name just messaged me. I sat back and stared at my screen. Who was this person and how dare she interrupt me from owning n00bs? I didn't have time for this, but I decided to shoot back a few messages between games so I could find out who it was. So I say "hey" and left for a game. When I came back 20 minutes later, she had written a book in reply but still no identification. So I just simply said "who is this?" and went back to Battle.Net to play another game. When I came back a full hour later, she told me her first and last name but I had no idea who she was. She had also written volume two of her book that she started earlier, but then logged off.

So I was just looking at it all and I still had no idea who this chick was. She obviously went to my school but I didn't recognize her name at all (which is probably why I don't remember it today). But meh, I had bigger problem to worry about, such as how to tackle my Zerg vs Protoss on island maps, so I went back to that. Never did the thought of sharing this with friends to ask who it was cross my mind. I thought the situation was pretty wierd but  just kept it to myself.

Over the next several weeks, this girl keeps messaging and then eventually I start replying. The whole time, I have no clue who she is and it got to the point where I would feel bad to ask, so I didn't. I just kept up awesome conversation with my unmatched wit and humor for weeks. Funny thing is, even after all this, this girl wouldn't show her face to me at school so I had no way of finding out. Or she MIGHT have said hi and stuff and I just pretended to know her... who knows. But yeah... I really didn't care too much to find out -- talking to her was just another way to killing time so I just did it without thinking much -- I had to figure out how to beat Sam's new Terran vs Zerg strategy he pulled on me so that took away all my attention.

And then one day, during the middle of a stupid middle school conversation, she goes: (my screen name was Daam Beh back in that day, which means cigarettes in Korean... yeah, remember when I was a rebel? Yeah... I thought my screen name was sooooo coool. How things have changed... ;D)

CuuTte KitTy (or something): hey... so... do you have a girl friend?
Daam Beh: nope
CuuTte KitTy (or something): do u want to go out with me?

And there it was. THE QUESTION. My adrenaline started pumping and head started to spin in a tornado of thoughts. Is she serious? Wait, who is this again? Omg I don't even know who this is! Hmmm could this be a trick by my friends? Wow, I should say something! What should I say! Why does she like me?! How come I couldn't pick up on this?! I wish I knew who she was!

But I had to reply quick. I knew more than a 20 second delay would be bad. So based on my quick crude calculations, I decided it was best to decline the offer.

Daam Beh: hmm... no, sorry
CuuTte KitTy (or something): y not?!
Daam Beh: umm I don't really know...

Let's think about this... I wasn't about to say "well for one, I don't know you!" so... I was speechless. And then she does this:

CuuTte KitTy (or something): come on baby
CuuTte KitTy (or something): i can please u in ways
CuuTte KitTy (or something): that you never imagined
CuuTte KitTy (or something): just give me a chance...
CuuTte KitTy (or something): i will give you anything you want from me... anything

Now, I'm a little, innocent Korean boy who hasn't even really thought about girls at all and THIS happens. I was speechless before but now I couldn't even really think straight. What was going on! While glancing over my shoulder to make sure my brother (who was watching TV the same room) wasn't reading my conversation, I just awkwardly replied:

Daam Beh: umm I don't really know...

And then she was just lost and rejected and was like "gosh!" and logged off. After that, I saw her online a lot, but never talked to her again. Sometimes I wish I remembered her name so I could look it up in my year book. Even if i had her screen name, I might be able to google it or facebook search it, but no. This strange girl will forever remain a shrouded mystery deep within the depths of my memory.

Not very exciting, but maybe a little cute. Pathetic? Maybe. But at least it has never been spoken of until this day. Maybe I'll tell more of these later.

EDIT: Okay, I think I was actually like 13-14.

I'm going to use this place to share and store some of my blog posts that I want to keep a better record of. So here we go:


Here at University of Pennsylvania, there's just a few things I have to point out about a few men's restrooms on campus. First of all, let's start with our favorite building of all time, the infamous DRL. Yeah, David Rittenhouse Laboratories - the math/physics building there's sooo far away and is soooo crappy. I hate that place for many reasons, but the bathroom certainly makes hating it easier. You see, this bathroom is so weird, awkward, and dirty, that I never see anybody using it. But when they do come in to use it, there is mutual acknowledgment between two men that the situation is slightly awkward. This is why:

Now, I don't want to just give it away, so just look at the picture and then think to yourself "why would Hyun be complaining about this?"

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Done? Well, it's because... you're just standing in the middle of the freakin' bathroom while you take a pee because of the ridiculously shaped urinals. The picture is taken from the perspective of a person who just entered the door and turned right into the bathroom to see... yes, this image. Now imagine a man standing before one of these porcelain bowls and relieving himself... there can be no other result other than pure awkwardness. There are actually many bathrooms across America that is like this and makes you stand in the middle of the room while you pee. I hate every single one of those.




And this next one isn't so much awkward, but just a crazy bathroom...

So this is in Williams Hall. Take a look at that picture and tell me what is wrong with it (try to ignore the dashing young man with the camera).

If you happened to be smart, you'd have noticed that the urinal is between two stalls. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. It isn't like normal bathrooms where there is a section for urinals and then a section for stalls. This bathroom goes urinal-stall-urinal-stall (there is one more urinal to the left of the picture that didn't fit).

HOW WEIRD, huh? I mean, it's crazy! Imagine being in the middle stall and as you're trying to take a crap, people are walking around you to take a piss. In and out, in and out. A man might become so self conscious and kind of weirded out that he might develop slight constipation and thus have a hard time dropping that load. One thing that Brian Lee pointed out, though, is that this system saves material and space, but I say that is arguable, too.

Penn has some of the weirdest stuff, I tell ya. But at least we don't have one of these:

Asian style...


Those are actually the worst. I HATE those.