stalker

Let me level with you guys.

Often, when someone finds themselves confronted, and whatever story they had been trying to sell becomes unsellable, they retreat to a phrase that, despite its meaning, purports to carry a soothing message: let me level with you.

The levelers will bring this last trick out, the final bullet in the six shooter of bullshit, to invoke pathos from the levelee, in an attempt to convey complete honesty. What's more irritating than the users of the phrase, is the implication behind it: that the leveler is descending from another level, a realm beyond yours that you can only assume he begrudgingly leaves, momentarily, just to fill you in.

Once the leveling is finished, the leveler unfailingly will return to his level, having deposited the required amount of truth to satiate the levelee, mixed in with enough bullshit to secure his return to the next level. Because nobody levels with you forever: it's assumed to be fleeting – to be a brief moment, where you'll be overwhelmed with feelings of enlightenment from the leveling, and gratitude of having, for even just a single interaction, been on the same level as someone who is clearly levels beyond you.

An example:
You: Hey man, you slept with my wife. That's like, uncool.
Leveler: What, no way bro, totally never happened.
You: I just cought you nailing her. Right now.
Leveler: I'm gonna level with you, bro [assuming serious look, sighing deeply, and turning head slightly] I did it. Sorry man. Later

Well, at least he leveled with me, the levelee sometimes thinks to console himself. But it's a meagre consolation, and one that shouldn't be entertained to begin with. Leveling is bullshit, people. It's the everyday used-car salesman's last offer, the bargain bin at Wal-mart. You may feel like things turned up well, but there's a pervasive feeling that something's wrong that you can't shake. And you know something's up, because leveling only goes one way.

Nobody levels upwards. It just doesn't happen. Someone can't be telling you the truth, and then, after a moment of deep, inward contemplation, decide to start telling the next level of truth. Truth is leveless, a plateau which any conversation is happy to be treading. Upon finishing his anecdote about the camping weekend, your best friend says, “I'm gonna level with you dude: it was awesome.” This doesn't happen, and if it does, your friend's an idiot, and someone else, who really came from the next level, has been sliding him level-slanted bullshit for too long.

So the next time someone leans forward, purses their lips and tilts their heads toward you, pre-empt them before the bullshit that you know is coming tumbles out. You're not leveling with anyone, you fucker. You're condescending, so say what you mean: let me condescend to you. Then, you can evoke all the proper imagery, without any of the misdirection. There's no hard feelings – just say what you mean.