Far too often I encounter people who do not know how to properly harass an individual who chooses to go for a run. These runners, or joggers, generally wear short shorts and sometimes no shirt if they are male. They are doing something they should not and just look ridiculous doing so. Undoubtedly, runners deserve to be verbally abused. This is a guide to show you how to properly accomplish this task.
Race This Strategy Works Best Against
I have been a competitive runner for the past ten years. I have spent many miles on the roads of different neighborhoods, the trails of various parks and wooded areas, and many other places. I understand what distracts, annoys, and infuriates runners. I have the insider knowledge that can help you achieve your goals.
- From a Moving Vehicle
- From a Stationary Position
The Two Main Types of Harassment
Harassing From a Moving Vehicle
The tricky part about shouting at a runner from a moving vehicle is getting them to understand your insult or taunt. Physics has a way of being pesky, often times resulting in the foiling of one's plans to annoy a runner. In this particular instance, the Doppler effect is the culprit.
+ Show Spoiler +
The Doppler Effect: "Noun. A change in the observed frequency of a wave, as of sound or light, occurring when the source and observer are in motion relative to each other, with the frequency increasing when the source and observer approach each other and decreasing when they move apart. The motion of the source causes a real shift in frequency of the wave, while the motion of the observer produces only an apparent shift in frequency. Also called Doppler shift." - Taken from Answers.com.
Don't let this scientific mumbojumbo discourage you from following your plans. If possible, travel in the same direction as the runner in order for your best practiced insult to be audible. It also helps if you reduce your speed upon passing the runner. If this is not executed properly, it will result in a blurred, indistinguishable blabble. The choice of words should be thought out carefully so that when the time is right to taunt, you can automatically spit it out and focus on your timing and delivery. It should also be noted that a surprise shouting should always be employed if you are able to do so. Throwing objects out of a moving vehicle is dangerous and should only be used as a last resort. This is a type of an all-in move that risky and has a higher chance of resulting in retaliation. Depending on the situation, this act may also qualify as assaulting a runner (which may be covered in a future guide). Refer to the In The Event of Runner Retaliation section below if this happens to you.
You are driving a 1998 white Chevy Malibu through your neighborhood when you spot a goofy-looking male runner in short shorts and no shirt. He appears to be between the ages of 19-37. He is runner the opposite direction that you are driving. Be patient. Pass the runner without giving him any looks whatsoever. The element of surprise cannot be underestimated. Repeat your favorite harassment phrase to yourself out loud a few times. Pull over and turn the vehicle around when there is as little traffic as possible. Now, you begin driving in the same direction as the runner, approaching him from behind. Make sure your windows are all the way down and your radio/CD player/cassette Player, ect. is off. Slow down the vehicle, lean toward the runner and shout your phrase as loud yet clear as possible. Increase your speed and escape before the runner knows how to react. NICE JOB.
Harassment From A Stationary Position
The stationary position has its pros and cons. One pro of this position is that you do not have to worry much about the Doppler effect. Unless the runner is traveling at a very high velocity and you are unprepared, the effect is negligible. One con of the stationary position is the vulnerability of your location. You will probably not be as mobile or armored as you would in a vehicle, unless of course, you are in a stationary vehicle. The best method of harassment from this position is to use the tone of your voice to your advantage. Without much Doppler effect, the way in which you say something has much more effectiveness. In this situation, get as close as possible and speak as softly as you can with the runner still being able to understand you. Confidence plays a huge role in this position as it could negate your vulnerable state and add some pizazz to your words.
You are at a local park that has many trees. You see many runners, as it is a nice day to go for a jog. You scout along the running path for a strategic location to perform your task. Once again, be patient when the situation allows. You spot a large tree beside the path that is only a few feet from a sharp turn in the path. This is what we call a blind spot. If you take a few walks from the bend to the tree you notice that the runner could not see you in that position, but you could see them a few moments before they arrived at your location (if this description is confusing to you, draw a diagram and make it how you want it with any artistic liberties you wish). So you hide behind the tree and wait until you see a runner begin around the bend. You then use your ear senses to determine when the runner will pass by the tree you are behind. Use however many senses you may have in any situation you may be in to be successful in achieving your goal. Just as the runner is about to pass by the tree, confidently step out from the shadows and say in a cool, calm, and serious manner, "nice earlobes." Generally you want to keep your harassment three syllables or less so that you can complete your phrase before the runner is too far away. Saying something that is unexpected and strange will wear down the runner's mental stamina so that they will forever be haunted by your words. CONGRATULATIONS.
In the event that a runner is consumed with rage and directs said rage at you or your party, always have a plan of action prepared. KNOW YOUR SURROUDINGS. This is by far the most important aspect of defending yourself against a raging runner. Runners generally do not like water, so hop on a boat if possible to avoid a physical confrontation. Also, if you have multiple people in your party and there is only one runner, use your numbers to your advantage. Form a circle around the runner as quickly as possible. Proceed to wave your arms in the air and shout phrases that frighten runners. An example of such a phrase is, "I have trans fat and know how to use it." This will half your chances of a fight as it will trigger a fight or flight response from the runner. But if he/she chooses fight, be ready for hell. There is only once circumstance that occurs in which you must ALWAYS avoid a confrontation. This is when you are traveling in a vehicle and lay down some harassment on a runner and the runner increases his/her velocity in your direction. No matter how many people you have with you it is essential that you flee immediately. A runner who charges at a vehicle filled with people is insane and cannot be stopped. As a general rule of thumb, always use your whits and planned tactics to confuse the runner or make the runner back down to avoid a massacre. The use of weapons is frowned upon as well.
These are two of the most common and stable ways to harass runners. Remember to get the basics down before you branch out and try new and creative ways to give those freaks what they deserve. But once you do have the basics covered, the possibilities of innovation are limitless. Thanks for reading this guide, and always remember to harass smart and harass often.
This guide is by no means complete. It is and probably will always be a work in progress. I have also tried to upload more images but this does not seem to be working. I will post anyway then try to make it work. That is all.
Edit: Added more pics.