A few days later I say hi to her and she asks me if I'm gay. I reply by saying "no, lol, why". Such a mistake in retrospect, of course, but alas, this is the heart of my struggle. The ensuing messages are generic dazed and confused questions, climaxing with her saying she can't be in a friendship with someone who lies, and further makes the claim that I lie a lot(since I lied this once).
One of my last messages to her was this:
No, it's a matter of definition and self-discovery, and of one being supportive of someone held captive under a regime of extreme self-manipulative scrutiny leading to the problems inherent in a repression, but you seem to be set on me lying, so I'll let you have it at that. Sorry Bes.
I realize I crossed a line I shouldn't have in our relationship, so I'll retract.
She says dealing with me is so frustrating sometimes, I reply:"then don't, one should end these things and be happy" she then proceeds to block me.
So, I realize my mistake, and my relationship with her isn't really recurrent or important in terms of intimate feelings, but I wonder if I should have just kept things to myself like I have been the past 16 years. I can't help but wonder how my family would react if I expressed such a sexual and personal indeterminacy, though I suppose they may just have known all along. If the repression is to stop, how does one's real life begin?