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Starting recently, I've been really troubled by something. In this world, one of the most saddening things, is to love someone who doesn't love you back. The reason why I know this so clearly is because I was, in the past, the person who failed to understand how those girls felt. At that time, I guess it's just so much easier to Alt+Tab from an MSN window to a game, and consequently leave her hanging there. Did I do it out of cruelty and inconsideration? Maybe. I never placed myself in their situation...and now that I do, I cannot begin to imagine what these girls felt.
But they kept on coming back, to talk to me, to attempt to stir up topics to chat about, but it has always been a one-sided conversation.
I remember once, I met a girl in Olympiads summer school, she was a very charming and delightful girl. We didn't talk then, but every once in a while I would glance over to her, looking at how she often chit-chat with her friend during lectures, or how she would absent-mindedly sit there and doddle.
Anyways, the summer went by without us talking to each other, not even once. We met once again three months later, at the Jay Chou concert in Toronto. I was shuffling through the crowd, and I recognized her immediately. She glanced over in my direction, caught my eyes, and gave a faint smile. That night when I went back home to celebrate my upcoming birthday, she had sent me a MSN friend request. That's how it all began.
We began to talk; and being the Han that I was, it was a very one-sided conversation. Her detailed replies to my one-worded answers were astounding. As time passed by, I got the undeniable feeling that she began to grow fond of me. And I guess that's how I separate infatuation from true-liking: no matter how difficult it is to communicate, no matter how long it takes, if a girl truly likes you, she would wait for you, and always try to reach you.
We separated our ways through university. And gradually we talked less and less, but occasionally she would text me, or message me, to see how I was doing in school and in life. Being the fool that I was, I did not fully appreciate her efforts. Once, she bussed all the way from Toronto to Waterloo to see me, and when the night was getting darker, she told me she would be staying over at a friend's house overnight. She asked me to walk with her, and as we were both very introverted persons, I could feel a certain calmness in the air; the silence was not awkward at all, it was like we could communicate without words. She bid me goodbye at the street intersection, and with the expression of keeping certain words inside, she turned around and walked away.
I took the unusual way back to my dorm near the railroad. Passing through SLC, I absent-mindedly glanced over at the FedBus Ticket stand, and there she was. What was she doing there? It was near 10pm, surely she can buy her bus ticket tomorrow before heading back right? Why did she lie to me? Feeling the unnecessary confusion that may have arose if I approached her, I retreated in confusion. It was not until several months later that I was told that she bought the ticket home for the 11pm bus back to Toronto so she can make it back to school the next morning.
Tears ran down my face; how could I have been so stupid? She's gone now. We no longer contact each other anymore. To make up for my past mistake, at the beginning of every September from that moment on I would send her a text message wishing her a happy birthday, every nearing of December I would send her greetings for a Merry Christmas.
However short her replies are, I guess there is always a limit. She was tired; her heart was tired. From all these years, I felt that she was one of the girls whom truly inputted her feelings and truly liked me for who I am; the girl who turned our silence into conversation.
And so, at 4:00 a.m today, I picked up my phone and once again sent her a text message.
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Someone should make an anime out of this. Intense stuff.
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Well, that made me sad, then kinda cutesy, then sad, then kinda hopeful. Then I realized that I have been on the other side sending girls messages, foreveralone.jpg
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*cue the Champagne Supernova song*
On the next episode of the O.C.....
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i wish u luck bro..
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ALLEYCAT BLUES49034 Posts
it is better to have loved and lost,than to have never loved at all.
I wish you luck man. + Show Spoiler +If you ever think about playing BW again,don't play on Heartbreak ridge.T_T
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Hmm... after reading that, it looks like you were never really into her. If a guy truly has feelings for a girl, he'll know it immediately - there are very very few cases of "suddenly realising that you like someone". Now that she's no longer after you, you want that attention back - not really because of liking her but more of wanting something that you know that you won't have.
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I wish you luck. Hopefully you'll get a good reply.
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10387 Posts
you could try going to her university.. whatever happens, I truly hope it turns out for the best for you.
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Never know whatcha have til it's gone?
When someone is willing to put everything out there for you while not asking you to make any effort in return for it, it's easy to not realize how much it means to you. You just take for granted they are there.
Been in a relationship like that with my best friend for a year now. It is so incredibly painful, heh. When I am gone he notices, but as soon as he has me back he quickly forgets I am a integral part of his entire life and I matter a lot to him. It's a hard thing to know if staying with a person you love is worth it, or if you should leave. Maybe they will realize and things will change for the better. Or maybe by the time they realize it's too late and it's passed the point of making it work. Or maybe you will just spend the rest of forever hoping the relationship becomes better than the quiet pain of being taken for granted. (Not being an angsty, melodramatic teen here-- we're both adults, lol.) I think a lot of people in all stages of a relationship struggle with the uncertainty of risking what you have for something better. You don't want to lose the person you love completely, but is it worth it like it is? One of life's hard choices.
As for your situation-- either she's completely moved on and has no interest in you other as a source of annoyance or hurt/anger whenever she is reminded of you, or she still has some kind of feeling for you but is not going to bother risking anything for what she thinks is a lost cause.
Only way to find out is to call her and say-- "Hey I miss you, can we have a real talk? Tell me about your life." Ask questions, really listen, have a meaningful conversation with her. Either you will find out you have no chance, or you will get another opportunity to establish some kind of relationship with her and earn her trust. It might be scary to call and talk to her, but... what are you really risking? If you miss her that much, how can you not take the chance?
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While you could have done things differently on that fateful night, you said it yourself that it was a one sided love. It's too bad you had to lose her friendship to realize what you had and took for granted.
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That was pretty emotional; good luck, hope everything turns out well!
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Oh my gosh.... that was like episode from a movie, or like a wong fu production thing. That's definitely something you can make a sketch out of.
I can't stand to see this just stay sad. Even if it takes a whole big pair of gigantic steel balls. Try to do the same for her what she did for you + more....CLOSURE MAN. For yourself... and for us readers... lol
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Godspeed, and don't let her go again.
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I feel sorry for you dude. my life is kinda like that. only i'm on the opposite end. but i kinda feel your pain. i hope everything works out for you.
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i agree, you are a douchebag.
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Was this a writing exercise?
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