Alcohol's been calling me: since a few weeks ago at a party I've had my sights on drinking a lot. I only had about 5 beers but I actually had to put in effort to walk straight and not break things. I felt aloof and free. I felt like I had no compunction to just having fun and forgetting about the world for a night. And most importantly I lost sight of my social anxiety. Since then I've had maybe a couple glasses of scotch every week, and at that I feel like I'm holding back some feelings inside.
I guess this is my time for a crossroads. I'm not sure if I want to stay in psychology(going into 2nd year) or continue my quest in writing in some cliche, romantic, ditching of mainstream life(my blogs aren't that great quality in terms of literature but I do a lot of writing on paper). Whatever's happening with me I reckon I'm regressing into childhood.
I used to play a lot of those immature games like prank calls. Me and a friend had fun just phoning people and telling them they won a lord of the rings contest and to go across town to receive their prize. I also played 'nicky nicky nine doors' around grade 6. Not sure about the name but it's where you ring the door bell and run away. Interesting it's been played since the 1800s according to Wikipedia. I've been mostly finding Eastcoastbob and Captain Janks videos on YT.
Anyone know the song that's played at 5:10? ^
Listening to these prank calls brings back those mischievous and impish feelings from my youth. It makes me think that if I go back to that kind of life I'll stop being so depressed and will stop caring so much about other people's thoughts. It makes me want to embrace life and just have fun for a while. I'm sure I'll return to normal sometime soon, this feeling doesn't usually last. Probably for the better in this case.
By the way my quest in Brood War is going well! I started at around D- a month and a half ago and made it to D+(2600) just a couple weeks a go, and I've been able to beat some C- once in a while. I'm starting to get a grasp on all the different timings and builds and my macro has improved vastly over the past month. I've also been experimenting with lockdown/cloak ghosts in TvT as well as late game marine/ghost to help with carriers but goliaths seem to be a much more reliable route. My micro is also a lot better. I used to be afraid of 3-4 goons standing at my natural even though I had a couple tanks and vults with mines, but I've learned how to use mines effectively and I have to say it's very empowering! Especially when you're listening to this song:
Still no job I've been searching for a month, handing my resume out and doing interviews. Do you guys call them back in the next days even if they say they'll call you and they don't? One of the jobs I could have had was at an upscale restaurant. I gave them my full availability; late night, weekends, full time etc... as well as minimum wage and I felt like the interview went really well. I wasn't awkward and shaky like I used to be in social situations: I was confident and engaging and tried to talk professionally.
I've been wanting some extra cash so that I can afford a new computer, or at least some more RAM and a better video card. I've had this computer for about 7 or 8 years and I've been craving some kind of new entertainment in the form of a game. Since I quit WoW from my addiction I've had my eyes on SC2. Though in the time during therapy and my own meditations lying in bed staring at the ceiling(a la Descartes) I've learned that at the core I may have an addictive personality.
I might be able to use these periods of addictions to my benefit, though. Maybe I can find a way to "trick" my brain into getting addicted to certain things, like school. But that could lead to greater despair, as my addictions have always been fueled by the genuine need for attachment. A more broad and ever changing pattern of addictions might make the demon inside me grow more resilient to my controls and drive me into a greater depression.
Here comes the sun, so I better be off to bed. Night all.