Just so we're all on the same page. I am a contemporary classical composer, so basically this means that I live and thrive in the world of the theoretical, the academic, the subtle nuances of what makes music music and why it is perceived the way it is.
I was commissioned to write a work for the re-opening of a historical house near where I live back in August, and the process and work involved was less than great on my end. I was rushed into the piece, and therefore was forgetting some of the basic subtleties that are necessitated when working in my instrumentation (small chamber), partially my fault, but also I was under a lot of stress with my then-job, for which I had to quit in order to fulfill this commission. It wasn't a hard choice, my career, or my job, but when we got to rehearsals and it was apparent the piece had suffered considerably and was not flowing or working the way that I wanted it to. All of this and man was I stressed out, but the performance went ok, no fault of the performers, I take full responsibility for... for the lack of setting to the setting?
Anyway, that whole thing kind of left me stunned, and I didn't write again until about a month ago, and only because I needed to for a small performance in the coming days. Even in writing this piece, I felt disconnected, and somewhat removed from the writing process, as if I were just going through the motions just to get done.
During this overall time SC2 was released, and that is a mixed bag of great and terrible feelings.
I've been a gamer since I was 6, my first game being...uhh...I can't remember. Ultima II for the Commodore 64, maybe?
Also keep in mind that this whole time I'm unemployed, looking for work, and have a massive amount of student loans to worry about, and no success finding a job.
So I learned all that I could, and I started out terrible, but with an ok sense (as in terrible), as I played sc:bw, but never in iccup or anything like that. At first learning and playing was motivated by my desire to get better, and improve, and later it turned into... well, I still want to improve, but It became more a way of distracting myself, averting my senses to the dire necessity to get my life back on track.
And herein lies the problem I am faced as of late. I have been a gamer for a long time, so It's second nature to me, however I was a musician first. I seem to keep shifting from one side to the other never landing in any exact spot in the spectrum, as if I'm trapped in some kind of existential limbo. It's not as if I don't see these conflict's, in fact I think that because I see them they are given more weight. But this doesn't help hunker down and make decisions.
Do I continue to procrastinate and stay in a semi-blistfully unaware state of nothingness, avoiding my life, or do I commit myself to regaining the drive that I had not so long ago and getting my career as a musician back on track, either way, it seems I lose something precious to me. It's not as if I have to give up gaming entirely, but from my experiences it becomes severely curtailed when I'm trying to write 4+ hrs/day. The choice seems obvious, but the emotional complications that we have with these things make decisiveness a tough sell for me as it were. So here I have been, knowing what I need to do, but just, not doing it. It's been more than a bit disheartening.
I have recently, in an effort to try to begin to change directions start to ride ~15 miles/day (24.1km) so that I would stop gaining weight, and start getting back to my ideal weight, and it's a start, but more is needed. What I need to do now is figure out what I have to give up in being involved with the community and this game in order to satisfy what I'm supposed to be doing as a musician, because it's clear that if I stay where I am now, nothing will happen.
[This blog is meant to be a sounding board more for me rather than anything else]