I used to have dreams of a girl I liked. She'd be running away from me, at the side of some other guy and I would feel hopelessly led to her without respite. There was one where she lay beside me on my bed. She was asleep and the sun coming through the blinds was as yellow and rich as I'd ever seen it. Suddenly she was in another house, smiling at me in her white underwear. I really wanted her. I didn't have to control my liking her: I couldn't. I knew I wanted her and I knew that as long as I stayed asleep I would want her. I woke up to the most free and frictionless feeling I've ever had. But the more I grew conscious of it, the more things worsened; compulsions returned, thoughts stilted, motionless feelings all came back like such a routine, and at last this decrepit lifestyle kept going.
Alas, I lost her.
I saw her in dreams, oh lovely lady
My careless advances I knew were poisonous
She'll be leaving in the mornin
And I feel, so much depends on the weather
So is it raining in your bedroom?
And I see, that these are the eyes of disarray
Would you even care?
Is it normal to taste the rain, to feel emotions that create magnitude in your life, to feel empty whenever it's time to go to bed? The former two I haven't experienced in ages, but I still have memory of them. The sun looks dank and grey, and my new food (I learned some recipes to make real food instead of frozen package stuff) has no taste or excitement. Should I let my feelings overcome the safeguards I built during the repression? When I'm alone in my thoughts I can barely be honest with myself. I can barely look myself in the face without quickly looking away.
How do you feel when you turn off the light?
What is it about those memories of warcraft that stilled my heart and mind in the middle of the night? It was the beginning of adventure, the learning of a new world, and a place in which I could hide me from myself. I've finally, after 5 or 6 years, been able to condense why I became so attached to the game. Quiet nights in the Barrens still stir my soul in a way nothing else quite has.
The gay TL community has been an indispensible relief and support for me. Sadness embraces and caresses me as I realize I was starting to care about people. I met similar people with similar interests, and felt warm for once, but deep inside I was and still am at war. Sorry nibbler for leaving our games together so many times! If only I weren't in such a mess. I was embarrassed by all my random escapes. I decided to call it quits on starcraft 2 for a bit, at least until I get myself straightened out (I hope not in that way). I was getting bored with it and bored with life as well. I need to force myself out into the open in order to break this cycle, I guess. Going the slow and safe route keeps leading me to my repressed and escapist state.
You know what? I hope I dream of boys tonight. I'll be free, at least there. And I'll feel good for once in decades.
Oh well, perhaps
Another Night, Another Dream