I know life isn't great. Things are going downhill all the time and without much hesitation.
My grades are falling so far behind I might not be able to go to grad school. They're actually quite extreme now, luckily. I'm getting 95-100% in symbolic logic, while my Intro to Learning is around 60. Stats and child development are somewhere in the low 70s while cognitive psych is mid to high 70s.
My child development class is constantly reminding me of the bleak future of adulthood and old-er age (my parents keep repudiating my claims that they're old at the age of 61 and 64. They have a good attitude, and that certainly helps slow down the aging process). Just about every class the prof reminds us that over time our cognitive abilities are reduced, and it takes a lot of time and effort to do new things the older you get.
This is quite the issue. Not just for the future but the present: I don't even feel like I can handle new scenarios and tests that come at me. I've been deflecting any strange situations that might come my way for so long. The fog in my mind is expanding every day.
So how do I reverse this stultification?
Sometimes the best way is to just take a chance. You've got to believe something may happen, even if it may not be completely reasonable. David Hume argues to this point, much better than I can, in his An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding. In my experience I've had good luck with just doing something incredibly mundane if I feel reluctant about it like laundry, or taking a shower(I hate having to take a shower in the winter, you never want to go in and you never want to get out). To all you ladder-fear readers, just click the damn button and see what happens You'll be a better player every time you press the button than those who don't.
You can also make yourself a schedule and stick to it, if you're so inclined, but to me that seems to miss the crux and essence of being depressed.
My failures in school can be attributed to being so anxious that I ended up running from the test or presentation at hand. Ironically if I did go to class I might not have been able to do grade 12 over again and get the grades I needed for university. Well, I never thought I'd have to do another presentation again in my life...
But, to my luck I had to do a presentation in cognitive psych. I think this was really the moment of truth: had I come out of my old habits of anxiety and depression? I read over my piece enough times to be familiar and comfortable with what I needed to say. I worked on it and prepped with my group before it was time. It turns out I got a 90% on it, I was so glad! The whole thing felt great, it was like I actually enjoyed doing presentations and rambling on about something. There was something about speaking in front of a captive audience that got me excited. And perhaps this is the reason for my social anxiety: I wanted to do so much but I couldn't bear to make a mistake. I even felt some remorse for not having to talk more.
My presentation group and I are meeting again sometime next week to study for the exam. This should give me another opportunity to flesh out my social anxiety without much pressure. But a word on making schedules and accomplishments: don't let life become the desire to have something ended or finished. Try your best to catch yourself wanting to listen to a song just to have it listened to, or to go out with that girl just to have gone out with her regardless of the journey and the process.
Something about Yes is just magical, it reminds me of what I expected of music when I first approached the subject. The music moves around in a watery dream, so free. Just one song seems like an entire symphony, or an opera. They take me on a mental trip in all their songs, and I haven't been there in a long time. It sometimes reminds me of that old final fantasy music, or some of the better video game boss music. It can be kind of obnoxious, but then again if music isn't noticeable it would probably be bland in order to be accessible to all.
I used to have these feelings more often but found I could never balance it with doing well in school and growing as a person. How do you regulate the two extremes from taking over? Any time I try enjoying life and engaging in social life I can't get my mind out of it. I end up reacting in extreme fear and completely shut down and turtle up, like a meching Terran in TvZ. But it's been too long since I really felt something numinous. At any rate I think it's time I get lost. The winters here are too beautiful not to feel entranced. The snow lightly covers the pine trees and you can still see some grass beneath the fresh layer of snow. All about the birds and rodents are scurrying for last minute arrangements and the leaves still seem to fall in the dead of cold.