"The x-rays showed everything as fine. The results of the breathing test showed no problems, in fact they said your lung capacity is 10% better than average"
I don't understand...Then why am I having so many problems? Why does it feel like my lungs are scarred and leaking on the inside? Why is my mind still having periods of listless and numbing? Was it all my fault? Am I just out of shape? Did my roommate's constant smoking for a year have no effect? Every day I have constant coughing fits that make me want to throw up. The results are double-edged: there's nothing wrong, so that's great. But I know there's something wrong...I just don't know what it is. Or maybe I'm wrong.
It's kind of pointless to keep going if they're never going to find the problem. I'm only going to keep degenerating, and my mind is going to keep shutting down until this numbing fog takes over completely. If it's unstoppable, and if the end is nigh, then perhaps I should confront my other problems. I'm filled with doubts about everything. Every little thought, every little move I make is criticized to the fullest, by my own self. It always comes down to just ending it. And if death is on my mind, I might as well tackle my greatest problem. Is it at all remotely possible that the repression of my sexuality has led to this caving in, the health problems, the strange pain in my brain, and further the maladaptive behaviour?
Occasionally I'll have spurts of feeling on top of the world, like there was purpose to each new day and they should be welcomed if not encouraged with a hungry spirit. The other day I had a very unique feeling of optimism. It happens most when I'm able to brush past or ignore my problems. I feel free and independent.
My first flash of realizing I was gay was so black and white. My love for males felt so perfect, but it was met with instant self-denial. It was like a betrayal. The thoughts of others kept intervening, persuading me of my solipsism and narcissism. I pinned myself down as if I wouldn't consider the other side of things; another perspective on life. How could you be so closed-minded? The dreary irony...I find humour is the best tool for dealing with uncomfortable feelings and absurdity.
even Ryan Stiles couldn't hide his queerness
I do feel sort of guilty in a way. For my whole life it's been a lie. I filled that life up with smaller lies to cover up the bigger one. People think that's who I am. If I tell the truth it means I would have been lying all along in so many ways, so I keep thinking it would be better to just accept the strange, unthinking life that I've made. Now I just dissuade the idea, and pervert my mind even more. I just keep convincing myself I'm on either side, but I can never be just me. Just
In particular I feel guilty about the relationships with girls. I would feel awful if I led someone to think romantically about me. I couldn't betray love and trust in that way. So I would just play it safe and only reciprocate if something was sent. Although I wonder if they knew? Is that the cause of why nothing happened, or perhaps it's just the mechanics of gay social cognition that don't mesh with straight girls? It's all wrapped up in a lie that probably only I perpetuate. Maybe the whole venture is in need of scrapping.
I need to be pushed into a corner to feel the need to survive again. Only when I have no options will I really try, really give it my all. I guess I just don't have any goal in life, or any meaning. "Meh, whatever". I always come to not caring, it's the best way to solve all your problems. They just disappear out of thin air...
These things I wonder about the most when I lie restlessly in bed, in the dark of night, unable to breathe. I'm just stuck in the middle of healthy and sick. When I get home I'm buying a bottle of Johnny Walker Black in honor of Hitch, we'll see where that leads me. I've decided I'm just gonna go all out, no holds-barred with who I am. I've got nothing much to lose in life anyway. I'll see where being a true individual with no restraints, a free-thinker with no compunction for the stereotypes and assumptions of others takes me.