Now I’m sure many of you have heard of this before, The Finns. Most recently our country was host to the ASUS ROG tournament. Now you may have gotten a taste of the Finnish culture by simply watching it. Polt raising his fist up high in Triumph, and all you hear is a the quite content clapping of the audience.
And he looked so happy too
Finns are always emotionally cold, in most situations. They also are incredibly introverted. You approach a lady and she’ll look at you like you’re some kind of freak that just escaped the Psych-ward. No one talks to each other in bus stops, elevators or any other public places. Any non-friend interaction is strictly business.
Small talk only happens between alcoholics here
This incredible introversion disappears once you give a Finn some alcohol. Now, the Finns are huge lovers of Vodka. They drink tonnes of Vodka. Must have been the close relation to Russia that brought that habit over. But, Vodka is really expensive here. This makes the most popular drink amongst the Finns “SuomiViina”, which translates to “FINLANDBOOZE”. The cheapest stuff you can find, and a relatively high ABV, gives it a really high popularity rate.
A popular side effect
Now there are some theories as to why the Finns drink so much booze. The general consensus is that Finns drink so much booze because it is really cold up here. I mean, it can get really cold. Like -51.5C cold. Now for people that don’t have a point of comparison for those kinds of temperatures, “Why can’t I feel my face. Also, why is my face as stiff as a brick”.
The thermometer really sinks that low during winter
Now, I have some experience with the cold. I can tell you that -30C is actually quite pleasant, if you wear a hat. I made the mistake of taking a walk outside this winter at -34C without a hat. I manged to break some blood vessels in my ears. If you felt them, they where rock hard, until you went inside. I can tell you from experience, that the thawing of body parts is not a pleasant experience.
It all starts off with you stepping into a nice warm, cozy place. After about 5 minutes, you realise you can feel a tingling in your ears. Suddenly, they will feel like someone has held a match to your ears while simultaneously pricking it with a thousand needles. The ears where then swollen for a few weeks afterwards and are still sensitive to the cold. My only regret is that it was uncomfortable to wear headphones with swollen ears.
Anyways, besides having to deal with the cold and getting wasted, the Finns also enjoy woods. In fact, they enjoy the woods so much that most Finns own at least 5 square kilometers of land. And if you are thinking of lush forests, think again.
Pine Trees, as far as the eye can see
Now, you would think, what would a Finn do with that much forest? Well the answer is build a “Mökki” (A cabin) with a sauna of course. But this Mökki can’t just be built anywhere, it has to be built next to a body of water, so that when the Finn visits his home in Solitude (pun intended), he can dive into it after going to the sauna.
No one said they had to be small
An essential part to every mökki is a sauna. There can never be enough saunas. Every Finn must own at least 2 Sauna’s, and at least one of those you have to build yourself. If you are feeling extra rich, you’ll add on a “savusauna” or “smokesauna”. This kind of sauna involves filling the entire sauna with smoke, waiting for it to settle, and the hoping that it won’t kill you.
While in the sauna, the Finns also have many cleansing rituals. First off the sauna has to be entered naked. If you don’t go naked, you haven’t actually cleaned yourself. The next step is to get a beverage, this is usually some beer. They then go through a process of flogging themselves with “vihta” or “vasta” (Depending if you are east or west). These are basically sticks with leaves on them. You hit yourselves with these and you will smell nice. The final step to the cleansing ritual is to exit the sauna, and run around in the snow naked.
Nothing like chilling out after going to the sauna
The Finns love their Sauna so much, that a Russian died in a sauna trying to outlast one.
Well, the sauna and the mökki only use some of the available space. What about the rest of it? Well, I’m glad that you asked. The rest of the forested space is used to breed and raise polar bears. Polar bears? That’s right, Polar bears. Polar bears the sole method of transportation up here, and are widely use to assist in the herding of reindeer. In fact, herding reindeer is such a popular pass time up here, that we even have reindeer races.
I would get my own polar bear if it didn’t eat so much
Reindeer herding is a long and prided tradition up here. But reindeer are not the only animals up here (besides polar bears). We have wolves, wolverines, moose and bears. The reason we domesticated the polar bear was the over abundance of predators up here. We have to protect the reindeer somehow. Recently, the wild polar bears have become a protected species, being mainly domesticated now. There is strong evidence that the wild bears have acquired some secret technology, putting them ahead of their competition. We suspect that a foreign power may be involved.
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Was too good not to add in. All credit for this awesome piece of art goes to guy: http://morriperkele.deviantart.com/art/Jet-Bears-192883065?q=gallery%3Amorriperkele%2F4666341&qo=9
Asides from the impending invasion of bears with jet packs, the Finns also like to eat. Besides reindeer, the Finns only eat Elk, salmon, potatoes, porridge and berries. Lots and lots of berries. In fact, there are so many berries in the fall here, that you can walk into any forest and just start picking away. The Finns also have special delicacies including Mämmi, Rössypottu and peasoup.
Doesn’t this Mämmi just look delicious?
These delicacies are often given to the soldiers since they make the soldiers stronger and fight harder.
Just look at our track record
And do you want to know how we beat back the communist invasion? With logs. That’s right. Each and everyone of our soldiers was armed to the teeth with logs. Clothes are also not permitted during combat, as to strike fear into the hearts of the enemy. All the logs are made of birch, as it is considered the wood of kings up here, being one of the only leaf trees that actually survive. The battle taktiks involves a complex set of maneuvers in which more than 30 Finns come together in a pack. They then drink a bottle of Vodka each and charge the enemy head on, throwing logs as they go. This causes the enemy to yell in terror and fall over in the snow as they flee. The Finns then proceed to club the survivors to death.
Of course, non of the Finnish society would function without a key ingredient, Coffee. A Finn consumes an average of 12kg of coffee every year. That is 1-2 pots of coffee everyday. And the Finns sure need it, they have to get up at night during the winter after all (since you know, the sun doesn’t actually rise).
Tasty, tasty coffee
And even in the summer, it doesn’t actually slow down the coffee consumption, as the sun never sets. You can read a newspaper at midnight, its that darn bright, how do you expect us to sleep? Especially with our bonfires and all that.
It’s midnight. You don’t believe me do you?
Along with this ritual of lighting giant fires during a very dry period in a country made almost entirely out of wood, we also like to sacrifice goats. Why do we sacrifice goats? No one knows, but we do it anyways.
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This is my first time writing a text like this. Don't take this 100% seriously since it's something I wrote for fun.