Its 2006. Im 18. Im in and apprentice scheme with my local council. Its horrible. I hate nearly every aspect of the job. The money is ok, and i have a car for independance for once. There is literally one thing i do with my spare time. Warcraft. Now i know alot of people will be like "omglol wow sux" but it was the one way i could entertain myself for hours. I wasnt happy in life obviously, but i was coping in a odd way. Then the biggest change in my life happened. I met a girl, irronically through WoW. Now, there is a complicated back story behind her life then which i think is relevent, so ill cover if briefly.
She played WoW. But more because her current BF did. They were also in an open relationship. They had been together for nearly 4 years, and were to say the least, the complete opposite of what i am. They drank, partied every weekend, did drugs, not just weed. But to me this didn't matter. I was hooked, Totally in love. We talked for a few weeks, and we seemed to get along well. I even went to her BF's house at 4am on a Sunday morning because she was still "coming down" and couldnt sleep. We went for a drive for nearly 2 hours just around the countryside, all the time she slept on my lap. Let me tell you driving a manual(Stick shift) car with someone on your legs isnt easy. Anyway, we didnt spend much time alone together, until she felt she knew i was ok, as in not a total mental(well. More on this later). One day, i asked her to come fishing with me. I had fished for nearly 15 years, and i enjoyed the solitude. She agreed to come. I was ecstatic. Alas the weather didnt play its part. Rain. My god did it rain. So we ended sitting in my tent for pretty much the whole day. She had some vodka, i dont drink. She sat on my lap and started to doze. It was magical. The end of the day came to soon, and we went back to mine. I was still living at home, so we went to my room so i could change and freshen up. Things took a tuen for the sordid, and we ended up doing stuff(enable emagination) Not sex though. I was still a virgin. I took her back to her BF's house and the 3 of us watced Bladerunner. Talk about awkward. Anyway.
Few weeks passed. We would go out on the weekend, me going out with her and her BF and thier friends. It was ok. Very different though. Then we went to a house party. All her school friends were there. We talked and stuff, and eneded up kissing in the kitchen. I stayed till around 12am, then decided to leave. I had a call at 12.30am from her, asking to pick her up. So i did. She came back to mine and well, did the nasty. My frist time. It wasnt good. But she didnt mind.
Things got fast from there on. Within 2 months she broke up with her BF, got with me, finished school, as in graduated or w/e, and practically lived with me. During this time i had a serious accident at work, Basically i destroyed my knee thanks to some ducktape and a wooden floor. So we spent all day together for 4 months, EVERY DAY. It was so different for me. I had always been quite shy and kept to myself. But it was nice.
Anyway. She was 18 now. And looking to go to University. She eneded up going to one around 400miles from where we lived, and i decided to go with her. It was all a secret. Noone could know. I quit/got fired from my job, got a loan and packed my stuff and left. 3 years we spent living together. During this time i wasn't always great. I had anger issues, which were somtimes violent. I never hit her but pushed her and such. I always regretted this. Oh. during these 3 years i never once worked. I had no money. At one point we were living off nothing. Hoping something would happen. Thankfully her family is quite well off. They support her, but not if i was around. They never accepted me at the start. I decided to go to university to. I enrolled on an access course as i didnt finish college, but i am, so im told very intelligent. This got me out of the house and doing something stimulating, and some money to boot. WOOT.
Finished the course. Passed. Where/what/why next. Move again. OK!
So we moved again. 300 miles away again. Got a flat. Not great, but it was ok. She had planned to do a masters in the new city, but that didnt work out. So she got a job. I managed to get onto a degree, which meant i was finally achieving something. I couldnt have done any of this without her. She was litterally changing my life. She had a job for about 8 months, got bored and wanted more hours/pay. Got a new job fairly easily. She is very intelligent and has impecable presentation skills. She stayed there for 8 months, but wanted to move up. So she applied and got a job in IT. More money! She was happy. She didnt have an IT background but god can she learn. She can learn to do most things, its a little weird.
Now. Im starting to loose you probably, but there is a point. 3 days ago we broke up. 5 years together. Our anniversary is in 3 weeks. She had gone home to see her parents alone, something she has done maybe 4 times in 5 years. She came back and i immeadietly knew something was up. In short, she said she wasnt happy. No real specifics, just she didnt find me attractive anymore, and wanted to be alone. Does she love me? Does she have any feelings still foe me? I don't know. She won't really say. I think maybe she does, or maybe i hope she does. Either way, its difficult. She has never been alone, being in relationships since she was 13. This i good totally understand, going from a young girl to a woman, never having your life the way SHE wanted it. Firstly parents and then me partially dictating it. It must have been difficult. What hurt me the most is a combo attack.FLAWLESS.
I have exams in 3 weeks. Important ones. They dictate wether i go into my final year. The house where we lived was in her name. Everything was, so i had to leave, ala day9 skyrim style. YOU NEED TO LEAVE!!
WOW. Shocked isnt a word. I had to ring my parents, who are not the best to come get me. They'd be 4 hours!! Well great. So. I sat there, confused and just stunned. She packed all my stuff for me. I just sat. 4 hours is a long time. Eventually my father came. I didnt know what to do. I didnt want to leave but i couldnt stay. She was upset. Very upset. I had said some bad things that day, and i didnt even mean them. I was in shock. It took maybe 1 hour more for me to even manage to get into the car. I was leaving what i knew as my life behind. Back home i had to go. At first i wasnt alowed to be left alone, as they feared i may do something to myself. Would i? Who knows. I couldnt think straight.
I cried. Alot. I burst the cappilaries in my eyes, so now i was crying and i looked like diablo. GREAT. I couldnt eat, i still can't. 4 days have gone and i have eat a fork full of chicken, and a celmentine. The chicken decided it didnt want to stay in me. That was a nice 30mins this morning.
I have had some liquid drink, not alcohol, but not alot. Not enough really. My parents are trying, but they don't understand. My father is a drug addict of sorts, he has smoked weed for 40 years. My mother is um. I dont know. Part acloholic part man eater. She like the men. I can talk to her, and it has helped abit but my father, god no. I went there yesterday and he did the gardening..... WHTF!!!
I dont hold any bad feelings towards her. I just can't. I still love her. I don't think i ever will stop, she was my first everything. Kiss, GF, sex, best friend. Everything.
Now this i getting well long. I need to get to the kicker. I have no ability to think rationally. I cant focus. I cant eat, sleep, or even talk sometimes. I can go from being relativly ok with the situation, to being aboslutely devastated, and just want to cry. But i dont cry. I try and talk in my head to stop it and it works. But it happens again and again. Its the wierdest thing. I have decided to take on what she said. She said im unnatractive to her now. Right that i can change. I think when we got togther i maybe weighed 15-16 stone, idk what that is in lbs. 224 apprently. so maybe 100 kgs. I used to play alot of rugby, so i had some fat but alot of muscle. I used to do weights and could bench alot. I have a massive chest and huge torso. Im very bulky, a little like inControl, but not to the extent he is, maybe more machine size. Now, after 5 years i weight 22 stone, or 150 kg or 330lbs. Yea, im big. Not fat as people see fat, but compared to how i was, yea im different. I think this is a major influence on her decisions. I look unpresentable. I cant get clothes to fit. It was awful for both of us. I also have tattoos. Lost of them. Two arms covered, my back, and the back of my hand. A pentagram. GREAT SUCCESS!! No, not really, stupidity at its greatest maybe. I can wear long sleeves to cover the fine but my hand, NOPE. What must i look like :S
So. Trying to combat the massive feelings i have going on is hard. I have decided to embrace the involuntary starvation and diet. Diet hard. I am forunate to be studyinh nutrition at the moment. I know how the body works very well. I used to eat alot of bad foods. Pasta loaded with cheese, chicken with cheese, beans with cheese, trend somewhere?? According to BMI and other things, i have a bmi of 47, and need 3000cals just to keep going. i.e Basal rate. 50% higher than what is normal. So now i am on something of a massive mission. In 4 days i have eaten ~500 calories. I dont know the maths but thats alot less than to ~9000 i used to. I dont snack. I still wont drink alcohol. My snacks will now consis of tomato, carrot and cucmber. My meals will be baked chicken, white rice. Im not sure of what else, so some adive here would be amazing. Im also going to excercise. Alot. I have been exercise free for 6 years, so it can only increase my weight loss aim. GSl code s is 3-4 hours long. I have an empty house all day(btw this probably doesnt help) Im am aiming to ride the exercise bike for the whole thing, pushing harder druing commercials. I used to do semi pro bikeing so im very comfortable and aware of when im about to black out :D I will be continueing the extreme diet and exercise when i go back. Daily 30m-1 hour walks. 3 days a week extensive weight training for 3 hours. Loose the belly. Loose the man boobs. Tone up and get my muscles back. I used to have huge biceps. Like huge. I miss the old me now. I am going to get there. My aims now are to loose ~2 stone in a few weeks. Its easily doable. I want to be down to maybe 16-17 stone in a few months, in the long term getting down to 14-15 stones. Its only 6 stone to lose. People have done it in 6 months. I am aiming for that.
Wow, 1 hour writing. Different. Basically i will be moving back to where we lived in 2 months, as she is moving out. I havent decided wether to sit my exams now or if i can defer them till august. One of my main issues now is nothing is familiar. I have nothing how i need or like it. I have someone telling me to do this and that. Its not what i need, but i have no choice. Once i am back home, i think i will be alot better. Again, not having anything to distract me now means i sti thinking of her all day. Its not healthy for me, but what can i do.
To end it all,a little talk about depression. I'm not sure if i am depressed but it would explain a hell of alot. I think i have had it for years, like 10+. All the things i have read about symptoms i have had or am having now. Are they due to the break up? Maybe. Either way i think i need to look into ways of combating this. It isnt healty for me or people around me.
In all, i dont know what i will do without her. I know i can move on, but right now i don't want to. But i need to. Even writing this sentance i am choking up. Silly. Silly SIlly. I like being single, thats all i knew before, but now all i know is being with her. And its all gone. WIll i find someone new? I doubt it. Do i want to? This is a problem. I jsut dont know. Time is a great healer they say. Well come on time. Come at me Bro!