So let's do a list of my pseudo-problems which rather bother me and really demoralize me:
- first off, lack of motivation....this is horrible, maybe it's just a simply "chemical imbalance" ( guess I'm wrongly using these words ), by that I mean that maybe I lack a good diet/exercise program, some vitamins and maybe even some chemicals who would balance my brain activity maybe, who is, by mainstream science directly correlated I guess. ( I have a bit of "hate" towards science because, even tho it is the best model accessible to us today, it also creates holes in our understandings, that takes actually people dying from old age for the current scientifical paradigm to change, this happens mostly in social sciences )
- my mind is apparently out of sync with my body .... How can I explain this.... hmm, for example let's take a fight between me and x. I shout at the guy ( I'm not really mad at all, I'm just seeing that it is purely impossible to communicate with x with a calm voice because he is shouting and obviously can't hear me, so sadly I have to shout myself ): In my mind, I'm rather calm and I think normal peaceful reasonable thoughts, but my body is almost shaking kind of.
- Instinct to do stuff you don't really want/respect. Let's take masturbation for example. Everybody does it, dunno why it is taboo, it only seems to me that the fact that is suppressed information, I believe that more fetishes are created by the suppression that is layed on it. Getting back to it, I don't really feel like doing it, but I guess sometimes I do it every day just because I didn't do it and my mind tells me it's a habbit you should follow. Never in excess, but the fact to it is simply that I do it when I don't really want to do it ( this would happen once a day ).
More to this instict b.s . So I don't really like any girl that much to actually ask "her" on a date, because for some reason I completely idealise myself and my "future" girlfriend. By myself, I'm probably wrong, I just don't feel like I'm ready to give out a really really good partner to the other girl. My body is decent, I'm rather cute, and I'm only slightly fat ( got about 6 or 7 killos over the norm of my preferable weight - then again, I guess I would whey more if I would do some body building, but I'm not really into that, plus I'm 1.90 so it's not that bad ). But I feel like my personality is not fit to please and help evolve another human being ( I believe that being in a relationship is a very VERY serious thing because if you are in a bad relationship, you only degrade your personality and your mate's as well ). I've seen way to many of my friends being stuck with the wrong person and eventually degrading themselves along the way - most reason why I gave up on a lot of friendships because it felt it would not help neither me or them.
So it is this girl that is quite cute, but I don't really like her that much, so my monkey mind, just like about masturbation, tells me to go for it and gives me a pseudo-feeling of liking her. This is really confusing, because I have been in love and it's not that.
- School is so so so boring and gives me no motivation. I'm in 2nd year of international affairs and now I have 5 more exams to pass, and 2 of them are rather difficult. Really breaks my spirit - is that to cheezy to say ? mb it is. Also I have been to this recap just 2 hours ago, and it was 4 hours nonstop of things I hardly understand.
- Current physical health-state : not that great, not that bad. I have this weird feeling in my throath, like mb a nod or whatever for a while now and I won't go see another doctor because I went to some, and they are all incompetent guessing morons dressed in white coats. Anyways I'm slowly feeling better, tho it would be great to be in 100% perfect health shape. I'll try to set up a date with the romanian "House", his waiting list is beyond many months ( In Romania, that is a lot, believe me ), but my mom knows him and I guess I'm gonna be alright.
Also, I woke out today, and my mind and eyes were so tired...I guess it's from sleeping with my headphones on listening to podcasts..Maybe my brain didn't get to rest.
My goal for my health, is removing this throat issues and really improving my cardio. I would like a develop a beasty cardio, I don't care about the rest ( mb I'm wrong ), I guess I think that good cardio would also improve my mental state.
Let's do a self analysis on my personality ( yeah...most likely I'm wrong since I judge myself ). I like to believe I'm open-minded, understanding, peaceful and introspective. My cons I guess would be my huge huge ego and sometimes, moronic hypocrisy.My financial situation is rather shaky so I guess that might also affect me negatively, but If I go to work, I don't think the money would actually help me. That would only happen if the people I would work with, would be reasonable smart human beings, which, people like that are extremely rare this days - yeah, my huge ego again.
Let's say something retarded: Whenever I look at my reflection in the mirror/windows or whatever I kept thinking...."Pff, I've been dealt such a tremendous "deal of cards" and I'm wasting it all". Even tho my financial system is rather below average ( from a western society point of view, I know I'm living way better than most of the world ), I believe money would be the last thing that would actually help me grow. It's an illusion, if I was rich, I would probably be fat, having many fake friends, maybe a fake girlfriend, and probably no sanity. Also, it might be again my ego talking, but from whenever I was aware of myself, and mostly in my teens, most people would look up to me and place me to be having a huge potential to be something "great" whatever it might be. Get this, at the end of the highschool, from my Romanian language teacher, while people received normal goodbye cards with for sure, lesser cheezy messages, mine said something like, I'm gonna sum it because I don't remember, but it said something that I'm maybe building to be something great in life. All these people that looked up to me and place high potential in my evolution are really weird to me because even tho I have a huge ego, I find myself to be nothing more special than an average lazy boy who is a bit alienated by modern culture and society. It always also messes up my mind when a lot of girls get into me, and then they seem to have kind of a repulsion for me because I don't really acknowledge them. This happens almost every single time when I spend time with girls, just to be friends, nothing more, maybe 9 out 10.
Any existential ideology would tell me I'm extremely lucky to be here, and I should be extremely grateful that I'm here, because, well, science tells me my chances of being here actually 10 to infinity ( i can't speak of mathematics in english, I'm probably expressing myself wrongly ). I'm not a nihilist, but lately I've been really lacking motivation and for some reason, a sense of purpose.
I know, I know....I'm in a way way better situation than most people in the world but that doesn't help my stupid monkey body to feel good. I doubt many people would read this, but I guess, it's out there now and it will be a funny read for any1 with a brain and sense of humor. Just because I'm feeling a bit sad, doesn't mean I don't see what a bunch of nonsense moronic thing I just wrote...Oh well...I can't change the fact that I'm like this so I guess I'll have to deal with it, and you'll have to deal with it if you give a damn.
PS: Such a big b.s that you can't get good drugs legaly :D ( I would totally use a night out on some mdma ). Also some good shrooms would be good, but I'm really not trusting any people who risking their freedom to deal "drugs".
Eh,eh...I guess a good night sleep, if I get rested alright, would do my very good, and I hope I pass my exam in 2 days from now with a decent grade..