I have always been a competitor. It's what I live for. With Starcraft I have won past accomplishments. I am a former national champion, I won invitationals in New York, I took 2nd in a Pan American tourney (defeating Major but losing to Fenix in BW) and I have seen the world. In korea I got dominated by Bisu, PJ, Effort and others.. but in bet games I won over 250$ in total with 10$ games vs some of if not all of the best foreigners at that time.. it was awesome.
In SC2 my results are a helluva lot less impressive. A lot would say non-existent.. and they are pretty right. But I regret none of it! My results aren't there not because I "lost passion" or because I don't care.. absolutely the opposite. The difference is no longer am I a teenager sitting at home with everything provided for me. No longer am I a college student skimping by with an easy degree in English but once again having most things paid for by my dad / loans. I now have responsibilities, family, bills and the future to worry about. My day is broken up with numerous tasks / responsibilities that go outside of just playing SC2. In BW we traveled 3-5 times a year. I do that in a month now. In 2010-2011 while these things made sense the urge/drive to still win like I did in BW was there. When I failed to meet my own expectations this became a pressing anxiety.. one that dragged me down into depressive states or panicky places where I would never realize success. All the while I garnered more fans and more expectation.. never once did I brush off the expectation or my fans.. in fact I encouraged them to expect results (as I expected them myself). It was unrealistic and it resulted in mini-breakdowns and a near meltdown. Thankfully I am surrounded by those that love me and I have really smart people in my corner that helped me forge a comfort with my own skin and a reasonable push towards the future.
I read about a lot of people commenting on my daily life and firmly stating facts about me as if it was commonly known.. and it's disturbing at times. Everything I am told is "ignore the trolls" or "don't read forums" and "just focus on yourself" etc. To a certain extent I do that. I deleted my reddit account, I go there less and less as the negativity and rampant cynicism continues to drag down most of what I read there. I post on TL less now than ever before. I read my twitter but I have a hair trigger to block people.. and you know what? It's sad.. but it has been a good thing to do this. I say it's sad because I firmly believe I want to live in a world where people in my position are at the full disposal of the community.. but it wasn't working. You can't please everyone, you will have enemies/trolls and you WILL get hate on a daily basis. Rest assured this isn't me discounting the good parts.. they far outweigh the bad but you need to hear me right now: The hurt still happens. It's nice to think that I have nothing to complain about. My problems are miniscule and not worth reading about.. but I urge you to consider each man has his issues.. however big or small. I have not been raped but that doesn't make me immune to my own pain, ok?
My day looks like this: I wake up around 8:15am - I let my dog out, feed him and then I fix myself a bowl of cereal and a bottle of water. I read TL/Reddit/Twitter and then I do a 1 hour lesson at 9am. At 10am I go to the gym with Machine/IdrA and we workout for 1.5 hours. I shower when I get home and then I have lunch (early yes, but I don't want to breakup my stream). I then stream from roughly 12:30pm ~ 1pm to 5-6pm. After that I will eat a small snack which is usually a bowl of soup. I then leave to go cast EGMCSL which is roughly 2.5-4 hours long and in extreme cases 5 hours or as short as 2. When I get home I spend time with my girl Anna.. we usually walk the dogs/get mail, sit and talk, watch a show/movie and then go to bed. This makes up my monday-saturday.. nearly to a T. If there is a tourney I will practice at night. If there is a good GSL match (Top Protoss/EG/Foreigner) I will practice/stay up until 3-4 am. Sundays I practice throughout the day, go to church, watch the seahawks and spend more than just an hour or so with Anna.
I am not a full time progamer. I am one of the hosts/casters for EGMCSL. I am the go-to guy for media like announcement videos, sponsor commercials etc.. this happens 3-4 times a week. I captain the squad which basically means I coach em up when I can, I make sure they practice and I consult them on mental health. If people have problems I try and be there for them etc. I do trade shows like PAX, Intel conventions/tours and I work with our manager on lineups, player signings etc (but in no way am I taking credit here.. they do 99% of the heavy lifting I just offer opinions etc). I still practice because I love to AND because it's good for my hosting/casting to be on top of the game in a way no other caster can. I will compete at MLG's / online stuff because I have stubbornly held on to that semblance of competition.
Am I happy with this? Yes. Believe it or not.. I love competing but I also LOVE standing on that stage and hugging Thorzain as he wins. I LOVE entertaining people, I love public speaking.. I love being a part of a show. I LOVE making people laugh.. if I had to give all that up to sit at a desk 12 hours a day and live and die off of results I'd be a wreck. I am earning a good living for my wife (december 2nd) and I am fostering a future for myself. I am in a position where I will always be employed in gaming.. the industry I know and love and I will have a platform to broadcast to my community (You guys!).. what more could I ask for? Do I regret having never won a tourney in SC2? YES.. it kills me.. but I know winning those is a special event not made for everyone. I am not a tourney winner in SC2.. I have come to grips with that. I will still try.. and if I ever win I'ma cry like a baby.. but I find that fun
I have a bunch of console games still in their wrapper. I am a gamer but I feel uncomfortable playing them / I literally don't have the time. For 1-2 hours on a sunday I will dabble.. and I love it. Currently beating Mass Effect 3 (yeah I know). And over the break I hope to check out Dishonored/Assassin's Creed 3. I collect Warhammer 40k models (Have yet to play a game/paint them because of no time). I watch shows on netflix when I eat my meals.. but given that Sons Of Anarchy has been watched I am having a tough time getting through The Walking Dead because if I don't eat I don't really watch a show and THAT show sucks to eat to.
Wouldn't be a blog with me if I didn't do a "announcement of announcements" kinda thing. EG has big plans that you will all hear about fairly soon. Korea, USA and everything inbetween. I am proud of this company and I am happy with where it is going. We have a winning squad of players, we have amazing support staff and we have plans to grow and develop amidst the gaming world.
I will go on as I am now. I will commentate the EGMCSL, I will host EG programs/projects. I will commentate every chance I can for big tourneys like Dreamhack and I'd love to do more.. IEM? MLG? OSL? etc.. All the while I will play as close to 8~10 hours a day as I can. In part because I always want to win but also because that makes me a better host/commentator/everything SC2. I am going to continue to do my part to eat right, exercise and try and keep happy. I think that is key when you are in the community spotlight a bunch.. no need to have another negative nancy/angry as fuck person broadcasting.
I want to start a youtube channel I actually work at. I have one.. but I haven't touched it in forever. So January ish and onward I will delve into that. I want to publicize a streaming schedule that I work to keep.. put in roughly 50+ hours of streaming a month. I want to minimize brainfarts (being too abrasive with Destiny, being mean to Avilo etc). People will always have their opinions of me.. lots of em bad some of em good and everything else.. that's fine. But I can honestly say the tremendous public outcry over a few of those things is not in any way shape or form justified to the crime but the crime(s) has still been something I regret and would do differently if given the chance. The thing about me that allows me to always feel good about my future is that I KNOW I will always strive to improve. In everything. Absolutely. I may still fail.. I may progress slower than what people would want.. but I will never ever look at myself and say "ah, I can rest! I am done, perfection!" I encourage you to give me multiple chances.. have leniency and love me for my faults. But if that ain't your cup of tea I not for one second will fault you. We are fortunate in SC2 to have a LOT of people to choose to follow, adore and respect.. if I am not one of them that probably means you have several others you can lend your support and I think that is cool.
It gets said a lot but I need ya'll to know this: I love you. I love you because if you are reading this you are a TL community person. You are a linked individual on reddit. You follow me on twitter or someone sent you here from their retweet. You are a part of what makes my life spin. Without you I don't have a salary. I don't have BARRISTAN who fills my every waking moment with laughter and happiness. I don't have the justification to do what I love to do and spend every moment I can trying to earn that. Sometimes I make it seem like I forget this.. forgive me. Know that it is in my blood to appreciate you.