So I've been playing starcraft for the last three years. And it's been a rough three years for me personally. Actually the last 10 have been pretty rough, some to my own thanks, but some completely out of my control.
I was a pretty shy kid, but it was partially because I had a bad case of OCD, social anxiety issues, and cripping body image issues. I personally think it's why i developed crohns disease three years ago, I've been under so much stress. For those who don't know it's an auto immune disorder which attacks the intestines. I dropped out of college 3 years ago because I couldn't handle the stress of my social anxiety and the massive amounts of pain. I was bedridden for about a year while they tried to diagnose me, which is when I first got starcraft and started to play it. The medication for these diseases are really hit or miss. It takes ~3 months to even see if the medication is working, and if it isn't you have to try another, and wait another 3 months, and so on and so on.
I've struggled with these issues, and clinical depression for too long now. I finally found medication that helps my crohn's, to the point where I feel almost normal, normal enough at least where I can function, it has really boosted how I feel, nothing feels as hopeless as it once did, and I really want to make some life changes, that are quite a good bit overdue.
As far as starcraft is concerned, I've always thrived on competition, I've never been good at sports (5'6, and underweight go figure ^_^), so I turned to video games. I love the feeling of beating someone else when they are trying their best. It can't be compared. I on the other hand, don't want to do this as a job. Don't get me wrong I love the game, but on the other hand I hate it. I've never been good with stress, and I simply cannot handle the stress given to me from this game, mostly if I decide to play in a tournament. My last one was IEM cologne, and honestly it was one of the worst decisions I've ever made to go. I really wish I had not have qualified. I wasn't on a medication that was helping, and I have some underlying issues mentally that I can't get over. Playing the best players in the world is very difficult, and I sadly cannot handle it. When playing on a stage, my blind goes blank, I no longer have any build orders, and I no longer can control my units, or know how to react. I'm shaking on the outside, it's awful. This is the reason I don't compete or go to tournaments. To fly somewhere and wait/prepare for the games only for this to happen each time is heartbreaking. Then once you are knocked out, all you can do is look back on how awful you played, and wait for the return trip home. I'm not in the right profession. I can't handle this stress.
I am no longer going to lans to compete. I will still stream/coach/ladder for fun, maybe playhems/some online tournaments, but lan's are out of the question.
My long term goal is to return to school this summer, and get back on a path that's right for me.
My short term goals are however to improve my mental and physical health.
I've always had issues with my physical appearance. I am currently 117 pounds and 5'6, the most I've ever weighed (sadly). I've been hitting the gym ever other day now and am already up 5 pounds in two weeks, which is pretty awesome for me, since I've never been able to break 115, and am going to continue going. I'm still pretty badly underweight, but it's slowly going up, and it's the most progress I've been able to achieve in years. I'm pretty small framed but I'm wanting to get to at least 130 or so. I've started to run each morning, which actually does make you feel quite a bit better.
Mentally on the other hand, I recently went to the doc and was put on celexa, which has been extremely helpful with my depression I only regret it took me 10 years to go. Better late than never I suppose. Celexa and my crohn's getting into remission has been a big boost for my mental health this past month, I only hope I can stay on track.
On an end note, I just want to thank the people who/have supported me, and got me through some really rough times, whether or not you knew you knew or not what you were doing, it means a lot. Also a special shoutout to ROOTCatZ, I'm not quite sure where I'd be without him.