Okay, so I drank a lot of alcohol, but I'm doing my best to correctly punctuate this post. So, very recently, like three seconds ago, I watched this WEIRD video on youtube and I am totally lost.
Now, keep in mind, Youtube is really, really weird. So is abstract art. So are octopi, but that's a whole 'nother ball of yard. By the way, is it weird to mix champagne with tea? Don't answer that, I don't care what you think. It was rhetorical. You don't answer rhetorical questions. I answer rhetorical questions. Anyway, this video was like abstract art and I was like, "Yo, I need teamliquid to help me with this because I just... what?" I don't understand life anymore. God, I had such a bad day. It's about 5:02 in the morning and I don't want to sleep.
Think about this: okay, if I killed myself (don't worry, I won't) right now, my family would miss me and it would hurt them. I know cuz if one of them killed themselves, it would hurt me. I know cuz it's happened before, and I'm scared it will happen again. But really, okay, if you take my family out of the equation, a few people would miss me for a little while, then they'd rationalize life and death and get past it. Meanwhile, my body will become the grass, and antelopes eat the grass, so you see, we are all connected by the great circle of life. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing. That's the point. What is the point of me? Do I have a point? For the love of Darwin, I should be married and have two kids or something by now like all my friends in high school, who all have these perfect little lives, where they can take pictures of their cute little families, while I have nothing. I'm going to turn 40 and live with like fifty cats and be the crazy cat lady whose house smells like cat shit because cats are pooping all of the place.
I'm not gonna be like "Life has no meaning" and shit because that's fucked up and anyone who says that is just wasting everyone's time. You have to find a meaning, but I haven't found mine. I'm the first to say I'm just a fuck-up. I'm drinking alone in the middle of the night with nothing to do. That's not right. Don't do this. When I find something I like, I put my heart into it, but I don't know what I like, so I just stick to what I know, which is video games and being on the internet. All my fucking high school friends are gone, even though they said they were bffs and would help me if I was ever down on my luck. A girlfriend or boyfriend of mine breaks up? I cheer them up. Someone bullies my friends? I bully the bullies back. That's all high school is besides being a prison that teaches you absolutely nothing about the real world, these sordid weird-ass joke romances and people bullying each other just to claw their way to the top of this house of cards that's going to come crashing down once they realize high school is over. We got through that together, but after it all, when I'm down on the ground bleeding, who comes over to help me? Nobody. Not that I'm being a little emo bitch and going "Wah wah wah everyone hatez me time to slash my wrists while listening to hawthorne heights and sobbing" but I guess I was just stupid to believe that a high schooler could keep a promise.
I'm still stupid. I'm stupid on top of stupid. I wish I could clone myself so that I could transfer my soul to the clone and then slap my original self across the face. I know that seems harsh, but maybe it's better than being a pretentious douchebag and going "I'm the shit, look at me." I love helping people. I love teaching people. I just love that "Aha moment" when they get something and learn something new because I helped them. I love learning, I don't love being educated and following a bunch of bullshit rules that dictate how I'm going to learn. I don't want to be a teacher because I think school is bullshit. The whole thing. Like, someone needs to just take school and just start over from scratch, because look at the US compared to any other developed nation in the world and it's like we're not even trying anymore. Everyone's like "AMERICA, FUCK YEAH. WE'RE NUMBER ONE, WE'RE THE GREATEST MOST FREEST NATION ON EARTH." but it's just not the case. We're not number one in anything except for maybe the amount of people we kill or could potentially kill, and that's not something to be proud of. It's like we're coasting along on the accomplishments of a dead generation and hoping that no other country in the world will ever catch up to us. Well, bad news, bears. Nothing lasts forever. If we just brag about being the best when we are dying, it's just arrogance, and who is going to mourn for us when we're gone? Nobody.
Who's going to mourn for me when I die? Maybe a few people. I don't want to break peoples' hearts or see anyone sad. I just want people to be happy. I've spent so much time trying to make other people being happy though that I've neglected myself. Also, as a test to see if you're actually reading this whole thing, the secret password is: giraffes. Remember that. Anyhoo, I just need to be happy, or I can't make anyone else happy. I turn into a recluse that growls at anyone who gets close to me. I can't get close to anyone anymore. I don't trust anyone. I think everyone either is going to leave me or doesn't really care for me. Maybe it's because I'm a weirdo. Maybe it's because I don't fit peoples' fucking stereotypes about the way I should be. I'll never be what people think I should be. I'm sorry. I'm not a fucking dumb blonde ditzy airhead who loves shopping, trendy clothes, cellphones, stunner shades(although I own a pair, sup), being a whore, avoiding anything with any intellectual depth, or being one of those stupid nerd-girls who go "fml -_-;;" or "yayyyyyyyyy :33333 ^_^" and have seen all the anime movies that have ever been made. Not that it's bad to act all cute about everything, it's just not me. But that whole airhead "amagad, wat?" attitude is like, the biggest reason men don't take us seriously, it's just all "Look at me, I'm pretty" and not thinking about anything or reading any books or thinking about shit.
Some days, I wake up, and I feel like I've got things figured out, and other days, I'm like "What the fuck." and it's like this video. Maybe it's because I didn't get enough sleep, maybe it's because I drank so much, or maybe I'm just not that in tune with art. Maybe I'm just being too pragmatic and self-analytical right now, so I'm just missing the point, but I don't understand that goddamn youtube video, or anything. So, what else is new?
Well, now I'm tired so I'm going to try and sleep but I still feel weird.