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Dear Teamliquid community,
It is with a heavy heart that I must announcement my retirement from progaming to pursue a career in progaming. I quit my job, cancelled my college classes, opened the door and let my cat run away, told my parents I wouldn't be calling for awhile, stocked up on Top Ramen, and plan to practice 20 hours a day to go pro. This is my dream for a long time and I think I can totally make it work because I'm really fucking smart, and I feel like if I had the free time, and could apply my incredible intellect, I could easily go pro. I plan to ladder for 8 hours, take a break to poop, watch replays for 2 hours, then practice for 10 hours, then use the remaining 4 hours of the day to eat, drink Liquid Liquid (the new official drink of TeamLiquid.net), and then drink all the energy drinks, like Thorngristle Pump Juice, School Shooting Energy Drink, and Bear Semen. This will keep me in a constant state of awakeness to continue playing more and more so I can become a progamer.
1: WIN TOURNY
2: GET PICKED UP BY PROTEAM
3: BECOME PROGRAMMER
4: GO 2 KOREA AND WIN
Once I become a famous progamer, don't worry, I will still post on TL.net and talk to the little people and give coaching lessons for 1,000 dollars per hour, but trust me, it will be worth it. In that single hour, I will slam so much information up your brainhole that you feel like your head is gonna explode because you got shot by one of those guns from Gantz.
Here is a random picture of a man kissing a tiny giraffe.
MEanwhile, back in Russia...
If you thought "OMG SUCH TRYHARD HUMORZ IM WAY TOO INTELLECHEWUL 4 THIS" then I want to let you know something. It's April Fool's Day. So if I say something serious, it's probably some kind of cruel prank designed to "celebrate" by misleading my friends and family. However, if I say something ridiculous, it's probably gonna be true. Or maybe that was a double-trick. The level of meta-gaming here is probably fuckin' with you pretty hard, so sit your delicious fine ass down, light up a blunt (smoke weed 420 all day blaze up dat dank kush 24/7 fuck da police pass dat joint legalize the leaf homie roll fat doobies it's an herb not a drug), and let me tell you a story that will calm your soul/leave you shaking your head.
So I saw this girl at work, and I just wanted to hug her really badly. I started looking for an excuse to hug her, and possibly smell her hair, and fill my nostrils with the scent so I could remember the smell the next time I slowly carve Hebrew letters into my arm while watching snuff films to get off. Reaching into my pocket for a cigarette, I gazed off into space, my eyes glazed over from the jaded dull facade we call "living". The girl was browsing through the produce, apparently trying to get some fiber into her diet. I imagined what her poop must be like. Probably not very soft. But no, I told myself, most people eat fruit because they believe that it has "vitamins" and "natural sugars" because they have no idea what the chemicals going into their body are going to do, and therefore, she probably just liked fruits. I kept watching to see if she would go over to the cucumbers and pick out a really long, thick one, but alas, she managed to purposefully evade the cucumbers, probably just to spite me, dumb slut.
As I watched her, I found myself hating her and wanting for her to slip on some kind of puddle and be seriously injured. Then, I surmised, I could kindly nurse her back to health in my home, feeding her chicken noodle soup while holding the spoon, and checking her heart condition with my hand before playfully sliding it onto her breast. The very thought of it caused a single drop of blood to roll gleefully from my nose and fall gracefully to the floor before making a tiny splash that would stain the ground forever. Still, I thought, this was implausible, and all I wanted was a hug and to feel her breasts against mine in a sensual embrace where she would whisper taboo nothings into my ear that, if heard by any rational human being, would cause society to instantly shun her. We could then go to the park and toss stale bread to the ducks together while talking about video games and kiss openly without shame. We would sit on the park bench and watch the sun slowly set, waiting for everyone to leave the park after twilight hours to defile the entire premises with the most unholy of carnal indulgences.
As I mused dreamily over this, she approached the counter with two plastic bags full of fruits and vegetables that she would later probably stuff into her dirty slut mouth while moaning loudly. "What do I owe ya?" She asked in her Minnesota accent that left me disgusted; but I didn't want her to talk, only to be an object of pleasure. I hated myself for every second I stood frozen there for what seemed to be an eternity before finally saying "It... it's free. You can have it for free."
She seemed perplexed and asked why it was free. I wanted to scream out, "Because you stupid whore, so you can owe me a favor of my choosing." but I simply said "Just take it." and she stood there, stunned. I wonder what she was thinking at that moment. Maybe she was looking at me and checking out my body to see if it was up to her oh-so-high-and-mighty standards, and probably she was. She only asked if it was really okay, and I mumbled something and she left without thanking me for my extreme generosity, or offering to be my lethbian girlfriend and move into my house and play StarCraft with me every day. Stupid fucking whore, I hate her guts to this day for everything she did to me that day. After that, I cried myself to sleep and tried to overdose on aspirin, but just ended up throwing up profusely and hallucinating really bad. Maybe it wasn't really aspirin.
That night, I looked up at the stars and saw a shooting star. I made wish, deep down in my heart that someday, I would find someone who wouldn't break my heart like that dumb-ass bitch did. Suddenly, a fairy godmother appeared, and she was dressed in an all shining-white dress, and wore a tiara made of light in her beautiful golden locks of hair. "Hello my child." she said in a wondrous voice. I just stared at her in wonder, and felt just happiness, nothing but sheer happiness. Then she turned around, hiked up her dress and pooped out a rolled-up pizza out of her butthole. When the pizza hit the ground, it unrolled like a scroll, and we cut the pizza up and ate it and watched Watership Down that night. Just for clarity, it was just a regular pizza, and did not have poop on it.
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SHOUT OUTS TO SHAUNI, MY
If this doesn't get my blog featured, then I really don't understand what you want from me, because that was a timeless masterpiece.