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Hello TL, it has been a long time since we spoke to each other in this level, so ive decided to tell you abit of how i currently hold.
In 2010 i got married with a very special girl. Her father is from india and her mother is from persia. That being said they have some traditions different from the ones greek have. When we first got into our relationship her parents were very strict and she always had to ask for permission to go out with me etc. she was 25 at that time. I wanted to get rid of all this and set her free so i decided to get engaged with her and not only because of that but because i thought she is the right one for me and we loved each other. Thing is after we got engaged she told me that in her family there is a tradition that when u get engaged u got to get married within a 3months time. We got into a small argument but we got married.
When we got married we started living together and everything was going great. To keep it short and not go into many many details ill just say what is the current situation. We have a daughter that is 8 months old. My wife has become a different person and the past 3 weeks i keep feeling like i want to divorce her and we have made lots of talks about it and she sees that i am there for them because i have to and not because i want to. Yesterday night after having this conversation again she broke down and started crying alot and i just couldnt stand watching her like that so i told her that im not going anywhere and she dont have to worry. Of course i said that because i wanted her to calm down and because frankly im really confused on what should i do. The thing i know for sure is that we both love each other very much but then again she also told me she is sticking with me cause of the baby and that she doesnt know how to handle things around her if im not there. I dont know much about leaving a marriage when having a baby but if the baby wasnt in the picture we would have definately have left each other.
The thing i am afraid of most is that after a week or two we might end up having that conversation again and its getting tiring.
Has anyone been raised with only one family member? I love my child and everytime i see her she smiles at me and my heart melts but on the other hand i have a wife who is busting my balls each moment we are together. Imagine that i prefer going to work rather to be in my house.
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No use staying together, a hostile environment isn't good for children growing up. My parents divorced when I was 1 so it didn't affect me that much besides the obvious multiple home situation.
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If you both love each other very much like you say, I would think there would be a way to stay together and hopefully resolve the problems you might be dealing with. (unless she really has drifted)
I have no idea the specifics of ur situation, but obviously it wouldn't be ideal for the kid if you got divorced. I'm always against divorce unless it's a really extreme situation.
Good luck with whatever decision you make, sounds difficult.
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On May 29 2014 15:40 HighdraL1sk wrote: responsibilities suck I ll have to agree with you on that. Being your own man is the best but on the other hand "mistakes were made" and i have to accept it was a mistake for me to take that big role when me and my wife werent ready for such a change in our lives.
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How long were you dating before you got engaged?
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On May 29 2014 15:46 Saechiis wrote: No use staying together, a hostile environment isn't good for children growing up. My parents divorced when I was 1 so it didn't affect me that much besides the obvious multiple home situation. You are the reason i made this blog. Is there any way of communicating with you outside tl? Skype maybe? Of course if u dont want to talk about it i wont bother you.
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On May 29 2014 15:49 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: How long were you dating before you got engaged? I knew my wife since high school. She had a crush on me since she was 14. Back then i only saw her as a friend. We met again at around age 24 were she was standing beautifull and i fell in love with her. We dated for around a year then got engaged.
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On May 29 2014 15:46 Saechiis wrote: No use staying together, a hostile environment isn't good for children growing up. My parents divorced when I was 1 so it didn't affect me that much besides the obvious multiple home situation.
My parents tried to "stick it out for the kids" and it was fucking awful.
Its just such an horrible environment to be in when your parent don't want to be together and are in conflict constantly, ugh. It was a huge relief when they finally divorced.
I don't know your relationship though so don't just count this as a vote for end-it or something. Just if you think you can "hang in there for a few more years" or keep it hidden from your kid then you are dead wrong.
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Can she speak Greek? Would she return to India if you were to divorce? Having you daughter move to India would suck.
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On May 29 2014 15:51 ffswowsucks wrote:Show nested quote +On May 29 2014 15:49 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: How long were you dating before you got engaged? I knew my wife since high school. She had a crush on me since she was 14. Back then i only saw her as a friend. We met again at around age 24 were she was standing beautifull and i fell in love with her. We dated for around a year then got engaged.
Yeah I'd say dating for a year before getting engaged, and then being married three months later is an incredibly short amount of time to build up a solid, life-long, intimate relationship, even if you did know her platonically years earlier :/
Anyways, to answer your question: My two younger brothers and I were raised by a single parent (our mother), and we were fine. It can definitely be okay, although before you do anything drastic like divorce, you should have more serious conversations with your wife, and possibly a third party. It seems like communication is breaking down, which is necessary for a successful relationship. Three weeks of awkwardness isn't deal-breaking. Work things out. No reason to make yet another hasty decision. See if an understanding can be met first.
Good luck
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You are the only one who can project your current situation to the future. How will it look like in 10-15 years if you hang in there? Are there ways that you can get back on track together? Mind that a dysfunctional marriage can have a worse effect on the child than a divorce.
Anyway, I'm always amazed that people can change so drastically after getting married.
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On May 29 2014 15:58 endy wrote: Can she speak Greek? Would she return to India if you were to divorce? Having you daughter move to India would suck. She was born in greece and they all live in greece for the past 30+ years. I forgot to mention her parents bought my Parents old house which is a big one and me and my in laws live in the same house not same floor tho so that was when all the problems started. The arguments between us started when my dad asked me one day when are you gonna bring ur daughter at our house to see her and i answered that my wife didnt want to because my mom is by her opinion an alchocholic which isnt the case. She sometimes drinks a glass of wine with her food...
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I know from a little experience that sometimes a divorce is appropriate. My personal opinion is that you two should see counselling and work out your problems. Maybe you didn't go into the details, and maybe there are some very dramatic events that are perhaps life threatening or damaging. These situations would obviously make a divorce probably a good idea.
But from the little said here it just seems like you have problems that really should be worked out. You two made a life commitment and had a human child. That kid is more important now than anything else, and the divorce should only happen if it's best for the child. I can imagine deciding what is best for the kid is going to be very hard for the man of the relationship, since it's natural for a man to feel devotion to the wife, and wife to the kids.
You just have to decide on your priorities and act upon them, and I hope for the child's sake that they are your top priority.
Edit: Since you asked: + Show Spoiler [feels] +Yeah I was raised by just my mother. My father was physically abusive and at times I feared for my mom's life. He was a drug seller, but not like Heisenberg. Divorce happened and my mom dated a few other really shitty men, eventually remarrying to a very nice guy, but not adequate as a father, and it looks like another divorce is coming. As my life goes on I realize more and more I just want a father. I really want a father. I'm envious of every person that has a man to look up to know, to know they are making proud.
I recall many occasions where I'd find myself wishing that my friends' dads could be my dad too. I even have a friend with an absent father, who actually had the same feelings about our other friends father; he was a really cool dad and we wished he could have been our dad too.
I think the divorce was appropriate for my situation, but the consequences are real in my case. I'm dealing with these problems and will be for quite a while, and they are caused from decisions that I didn't even make. I find I deal with the problem best by playing SNES games, and trying to find other men I can admire in my daily life. Why SNES games? Because they were more of a father than I had.
I apologize for the strong words, but they are my feels man. Feels.
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I'm married for 5 years, have a daughter, and I had shitton of arguments with my wife and we live with her parents. I never considered divorcing. I know its good to be single and there are too much annoying stuff with family. But I know one thing for sure - value of having family greatly overpasses anything life could offer without family.
I think you're not giving us enough details and yet trying to collect our opinions. I don't know you, but it smells like you want to make easier decision, and take less blaming for it. Since "well everyone thinks so".
I might be totally wrong, its just my opinion.
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I'm gonna go against the crowd here and say that you can still give it a shot.
However:
1. It sounds like you need to get out of the freaking house.
2. What's more important, you parents meeting your wife, or your family? It's ok to pick the former, but personally I'd pick my spouse over my parents. My parents are great, but I could meet them alone.
3. If your wife thinks your mother is an alcoholic there is probably little you can do about this. Just accept it. Some people (your wife) can get super-uncomfortable and stressed around some other people (you mother) when those other people drink. They (your wife) can have their own strange reasons for feeling like that, but it's very very very hard to change. You are much better of trying to understand her than trying to convince her in this case. Ask her if your family could meet them in very short breaks, like an hour in the park or something. But don't push it.
4. I don't have a kid yet, but the first 1-2 year after they are born seem to really push the limits of relationships. A lot of people get divorced around this time, many of them because well maybe they shouldn't had a kid in the first place, but some of them just because they are too impatient to get through this period.
If everything's still shit or worse after 6 - 12 months, well fine then, maybe it would be better for your kid if you got divorced. (Listening to the others in here this does seem the case.)
BTW, can't you divorce and have shared custody? Maybe that's not the norm over there, but it's definitely possible where I live (knowing a lot of people that have done this). Completely removing yourself from your daughters life seems very extreme to me, especially if you love her (unlike some other assholes).
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If we divorce i will see my child over the weekends and in summer. I will make a more proper reply after i have finished the surgery im currently in. (Its my job)
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I've personally experienced the weekends thing in three different families (where I lived as apart of each family). It doesn't work. Anyone that says otherwise is misinformed or a liar.
So like I said in my other post, divorce like this requires some serious circumstances to be worth it. I don't know you and don't want to judge unfairly, but I think it's important to say what I have.
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You guys should separate asap. Your animosity towards each other will only grow. Marriage is often times more than a union of two people but of the respective families as well. It sounds like you're in a situation where there's lots of heat between you and your wife and the extended families too, this is REALLY hard to fix.
Best of luck bro, you're both still young this can work out fine.
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I'm not gonna tell you what to do one way or the other, but I just think you should know, that whatever qualms you have about raising your child separate from your wife, it can be just as bad or worse for your daughter to stay together only for that reason.
I can't talk from first hand experience, but it happened to my cousin. I was close to her early in my life and grew up with her until we began drifting apart in middle school. Her parents had three daughters, she being the youngest, and they had long since decided they were done with each other (well, her mother did anyway) but had decided to stay together long enough for the kids to grow up. It didn't last that long, and things came to a head when we were entering our freshman year of high school. Her mom was having a (lengthy) affair with the local scoutmaster, who we all knew, and by this time there was no semblance of hiding it anymore. Her parent broke apart rather harshly and she never forgave her mother for it, especially since she was such a daddy's girl and it was so unfair/hard on him. His death soon afterwards certainly didn't help things, and to this day I know she still resents her mother for essentially driving him away and into poor health due the breakup. It was more devastating to my cousin than if they had just split apart over a decade ago. My parents did and while it was fairly harsh, my sister helped us cope and there has been time to heal and forgive/forget since then. We still have strong relationships with both our parents , and I would say it's because of the fact we grew up getting used to it, rather than the sudden shock of it hitting later in our childhoods.
Sorry to rant in your blog, but I just want you know you should weigh your options and consider what will be best for your daughter. As far as that goes, you have to remember that you will have to shoulder weight either way, whether you stay together for her sake or split now to rip the band-aid off the wound fast, so to speak.
You really need to consider things and keep you wife in the loop about how you feel about it, as well as listening to her thoughts. Getting some outside help could help you too. If not a marriage counseller than at least some neutral party (not either of your parents, for example) to help you see the other side of things.
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You were happy for 5 years and now it is being rough for +3 weeks and you want to divorce her?
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I have to second what CecilSunkure said. Getting a kid from one place to another is a lot more of a hassle than it might initially seem. Not to mention that it's stressful for a child to have to adapt to a new environment every few days. In my case when I was young I went from one house to another every other week and when I got old enough to make decisions slowly it gravitated to longer periods until eventually I decided to live mostly with my mother.
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Maybe you should try to live outside the area of effect of your in laws for a while to see if there is any difference. Living with them if you do not have control on their actions is not something that can be done easily. It adds a lot of pressure on you relation and from what you described your wife is very much under their control. In the end if you are really unhappy , it will not be easy to make work it just for your child. Good luck !
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Have you ever considered living separately for a while, without getting divorced? My grandparents couldn't stand each other and my grandma solved this by building a small house right next to their old house. Their relationship improved over time.
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On May 29 2014 15:28 ffswowsucks wrote:Has anyone been raised with only one family member? I love my child and everytime i see her she smiles at me and my heart melts but on the other hand i have a wife who is busting my balls each moment we are together. Imagine that i prefer going to work rather to be in my house.
I was raised completely without a father. It had zero psychological impact on me (cant say the same for my mums bad parenting XD). That isn't what you're going to do though, is it? You want to be a father for your daughter and do everything in your power for her, im sure. The only thing is you wouldn't be around the house. As long as you saw her often and made an effort, it isn't a big issue.
There's a phrase "broken home" when it comes to single parents. I actually consider a "broken home" to be when the two parents clearly don't want to be together but remain so, it becomes abusive, always arguing, never happy etc etc etc and it completely rubs off on the child, they pick up on that sort of shit no matter what you do to hide it.
My advice to you would be to do whatever would make you happy regarding your relationship, thinking of your child is a completely seperate thing and you can do your best for her outside this relationship (provided your wife isn't going to be one of those cunts that keep you from your child when you are willing.)
Seperate the two things, your relationship and your daughter aren't the same and im sure your daughter will end up happier for it if mummy and daddy are happy but not together instead of unhappy and together.
EDIT: I wasn't giving you any advice on the relationship front, just what i think it would be like for the child. Regarding your relationship you know best but you should really think things through and try some things to get it to be where you want it, whether thats divorce or a 2nd child.
On May 29 2014 16:10 ffswowsucks wrote: i answered that my wife didnt want to because my mom is by her opinion an alchocholic which isnt the case. She sometimes drinks a glass of wine with her food...
This sounds heavily biased tbh. Are you sure you're not just blowing everything out of proportion? Talk to her, talk to somebody, sort your head out before doing anything rash.
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Lalalaland34457 Posts
Asking here for advice is fine and you might get something out of it, but have you considered seeing a professional marriage counsellor?
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No offense but I don't think you should be seeking the advice of anonymous people online about what to do about your marriage. Maybe you should try marriage counseling or talking to some of your real life friends.
No one here is qualified to give legitimate advice because they don't have enough information, they don't know you personally, and they don't know your wife.
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I think its more important to find out what exactly happened 3 weeks ago, where she suddenly became a different person. Find the reason.
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Aotearoa39261 Posts
On May 29 2014 17:52 Koshi wrote: You were happy for 5 years and now it is being rough for +3 weeks and you want to divorce her? This. As far as I know, very young children can place a lot of new pressures on couples and that can cause some changes. Seek out professional counseling, you might find that she's changed for reasons you didn't expect and then those can be worked through. Obviously if it is irreconcilable then that's that... but I would at least attempt to make some headway into the problem.
My parents split up when I was 11 (after my mum having an affair for 2 years, with my teacher nonetheless ._.) and I've never really forgiven her for that. I talk to her maybe twice a year and only because my brother has a good relationship with her. Each situation is different, so take this with a grain of salt.
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Bearded Elder29877 Posts
I'm a father of 6 months old son. Trust me, things were perfect when the kid was born, first 3 months were amazing and after 6 months a couple of things changed, we're both tired as fuck (I have a full time job), my fiancee is taking care of Alex in 7am-4pm, then I come back from work, I eat and I'm changing her to give her a rest. I also take all of night shifts, meaning that I'm taking care of my son from 4:30pm to 7am. It's not THAT hard durining evening, because after his bath, which is around 5-6pm, he eats, we play a bit and around 7pm he's going to sleep and he wakes up at 4:50am or 5:30am, something between.
Also this means I'm waking up at 4:30-5:30am and I'm ending my day at 11-12pm, because that's when I'm heading to sleep = 19 hours being awake. Also we were both kind of people that are not couch potatoes and sitting at home, doing same shit all the time is frustrating + causes problems inside.
You need to get your shit together, start placing changes in your life, to make it less similar than the previous day. Little baby is a lot of fun and gives a lot of smile but it is tiring, you need to know about that.
I was actually in a period when we got into small troubles with my fiancee, because of doing same crap all over again but once you both starts doing anything about it, it's gonna end up being awesome once again - trust me bro.
Also one more advice, if any of you have a feeling that they stick to the other person ONLY BECAUSE OF THE KID, END THE RELATIONSHIP. It's not good for any of you and it's bad for kid, it's always better to end marriage/relationship when the baby is young instead of doing it when he already knows what's up and he knows what's going on around him.
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Here's what I don't really like about blogs like this. For all we know, whatever conflict may or may not exist between you and your wife could be blown way out of proportion, or even entirely your fault and you're just looking for encouragement and support from a group of people that only have your side of the story to go on. Obviously I'm not saying that this is the case, but it very well could be.
As for the situation with single parents raising a child, there's countless ways that could go, some better than others. It depends on the parents themselves, and the relationship the kid has to each of them. My parents split up when I was 8, but because I wasn't really close to my father at all and of how the whole inter-personal relationships worked in general, my reaction was pretty much "meh", and never really amounted to any kind of emotional discomfort later on either. Substitute us with different three people in the exact same situation, and it could have traumatic consequences for everyone involved. These situations are all unique, because circumstances and people involved are unique. You could hear hundreds of different stories, and none of them will prepare you for what ends up happening in your case.
My advice would be to ask the right people for advice. Family members and friends who know you both at least to a certain extent, and people whom you trust to tell you how it is (from their perspective at least) instead of those that would support any choice you make. Moreover, talk to your wife regularly instead of trying to avoid it because it's "tiring". Difficult and emotionally draining conflicts are a common feature in mostly any marriage and if you care about the other person, you suck it up and resolve it. Finally, seek counseling if you can and both agree to it.
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On May 29 2014 15:28 ffswowsucks wrote:My wife has become a different person and the past 3 weeks i keep feeling like i want to divorce her and we have made lots of talks about it and she sees that i am there for them because i have to and not because i want to. 3 weeks? What's been so bad for 3 weeks that makes you suddenly think you want a divorce?
On May 29 2014 18:58 Firebolt145 wrote: Asking here for advice is fine and you might get something out of it, but have you considered seeing a professional marriage counsellor? Just like all the "I think I'm sick" threads say go see a real Dr. you should go see someone who has been trained to deal with this.
edit: be COMPLETELY honest with the counselor/psychiatrist.
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as above 3 weeks?
you committed to life and 3 weeks seems a long time?
give it 6 months work at it.
Welcome to the spectrum of experience. It s a bit like pokemon.
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I was raised by a single mother and had no clue who my dad even was until I was 10. I think I turned out just fine, but everyone reacts differently. If you guys are only staying together for the child, I can tell you right now that you guys just need to go your separate ways. The child is definitely picking up on that it's going to hurt her a lot more to see her mom and dad not be fond of each other as opposed to having 2 happy parents that live separately. It's a hard decision, but I don't think staying together for the sake of a kid is EVER the right decision.
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If you can't ride the downs of a relationship you don't deserve the ups. Marriage only works if you're there for each other during the good and the bad times. Considering what you typed you have it easy it's not like she became abusive, cheated on you, drug problem or one of the other million things that makes kids lose their parents in a divorce.
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Sweden33719 Posts
My wife has become a different person
I have absolutely 0 medical qualifications or experience in this area, and you didn't exactly give a lot of details on what being a completely different person entails... In addition you are a doctor, so you probably have considered what I'm about to say already.
HOWEVER, on the off chance that it's helpful --- could it be postpartum depression?
Can't really help with the main topic... I think my parents stayed together longer than they would have without kids (basically until we were all grown up), however they were (and are still) friends, so it wasn't a hostile enviornment at all.
As for people giving you a hard time about the 3 weeks thing, I assume that the problems have been going on for more like the past 8 months, but in the last 3 weeks you have started thinking about divorce etc, correct? Otherwise it seems a bit premature.
I don't feel like I'm at all qualified to offer any advice here since I'm un-married with no children, and grew up with both my parents... but I really wish you the best of luck. Sounds like a tough spot to be in.
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3 weeks is not a long time of things being awkward - either something's been wrong longer than that and you're not sharing it, or you're being too hasty and not giving it enough time to resolve either way, in my opinion.
People are really stressed and sleep-deprived while they have a baby (especially the first baby), which can change how people react and think... having someone to take care of the baby for a day or two might help you guys to rest a bit and try to get a perspective on it.
My parent didn't divorce, but they would argue, yell and get angry a lot (mainly because they were overworked in their jobs, had to take care of my old grandparents (we mostly lived with them because of that) and work the land in the countryside that we have, all while traveling between the city and countryside every day). I can attest that there's no way to hide it from kids and that it had a profound effect on me even though they were mostly arguing with each other (they were mostly ok towards me, and by ok I mean I was left alone, which isn't a big deal since I'm introverted anyway xD). Nagging women and men that are never there because they're working forever and anytime are the biggest issue (at least in my parents case, I think), basically spouses not supporting each other.
All that being said, I'm not an expert or anything.
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Disclosure on me: 32, married, two kids.
My wife has become a different person and the past 3 weeks... Three weeks is nothing. Seriously. I don't even water my houseplants that often. If she's been cranky for the last three weeks, she could have mononucleosis, and not even know it. Or spring allergies, or she's morning sick. Who knows? Call it a slump. Progamers have slumps, an actor/actress can have a slump, why not your wife?
It could be worse. A lot worse. Life isn't a contest, but I'm guessing that you still have a lot going for you with this girl, and that we probably wouldn't even have to leave this thread to find someone that could top your or my last few weeks.
My advice: 1) Get your own place to live. I think that every married woman wants to be the queen of her own castle. Even if both your and her parents are otherwise great, it's going to get annoying after a while. I remember once going to my in-laws for a barbecue, and my wife got in an argument with her sister over how to cook the hamburgers. It sounds stupid to you and me, but there was some woman's pride at stake there, and yes, she cried. Here's what I did: I sneaked out, got in my car and drove around until I found a restaurant, bought the nicest hamburger I could find, and brought it back to the house. Everyone was sitting down to eat their greasy burnt hamburgers, and my wife had the fanciest hamburger that money could buy in their town. The message was that this girl was mine now, she has my last name, and when I'm around, she gets what she wants, and everyone at the table, including her, knew that.
2) Help all you can with your daughter. If your wife says that "she doesnt know how to handle things around her if im not there", whatever the reason, she's stressing out, and asking for help. I can't tell from what you've said, but maybe that's in-law trouble, (see above) or maybe that's kid responsibility. Either way, if you're not changing diapers and making baby food when you're home, you don't even know what she's going through.
3) Find a babysitter that you (actually she) can trust. Maybe one of her girlfriends, or a cousin or something. Go on a date. Maybe the beach, or downtown, or whatever you used to do.
I don't know you, or her, but I'm guessing that the whole problem is probably point #1, and you could probably win this whole thing just by getting your own place to live. The other ideas are probably easier though. Maybe just ask her what she thinks. Let her think about it. Just knowing that you care and are trying to fix the problem could potentially change her whole attitude.
Kids get even funner as they get older. It gets easier. I taught my son to throw a frisbee this week. We're all going to the zoo tomorrow. It's not always good times, but I try. There's an astonighing peace of mind that comes with knowing that you're tried your best. And usually, your best is enough to fix the problem anyway.
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On May 30 2014 02:55 hazdur wrote:Disclosure on me: 32, married, two kids. Three weeks is nothing. Seriously. I don't even water my houseplants that often. If she's been cranky for the last three weeks, she could have mononucleosis, and not even know it. Or spring allergies, or she's morning sick. Who knows? Call it a slump. Progamers have slumps, an actor/actress can have a slump, why not your wife? It could be worse. A lot worse. Life isn't a contest, but I'm guessing that you still have a lot going for you with this girl, and that we probably wouldn't even have to leave this thread to find someone that could top your or my last few weeks. My advice: 1) Get your own place to live. I think that every married woman wants to be the queen of her own castle. Even if both your and her parents are otherwise great, it's going to get annoying after a while. I remember once going to my in-laws for a barbecue, and my wife got in an argument with her sister over how to cook the hamburgers. It sounds stupid to you and me, but there was some woman's pride at stake there, and yes, she cried. Here's what I did: I sneaked out, got in my car and drove around until I found a restaurant, bought the nicest hamburger I could find, and brought it back to the house. Everyone was sitting down to eat their greasy burnt hamburgers, and my wife had the fanciest hamburger that money could buy in their town. The message was that this girl was mine now, she has my last name, and when I'm around, she gets what she wants, and everyone at the table, including her, knew that. 2) Help all you can with your daughter. If your wife says that "she doesnt know how to handle things around her if im not there", whatever the reason, she's stressing out, and asking for help. I can't tell from what you've said, but maybe that's in-law trouble, (see above) or maybe that's kid responsibility. Either way, if you're not changing diapers and making baby food when you're home, you don't even know what she's going through. 3) Find a babysitter that you (actually she) can trust. Maybe one of her girlfriends, or a cousin or something. Go on a date. Maybe the beach, or downtown, or whatever you used to do. I don't know you, or her, but I'm guessing that the whole problem is probably point #1, and you could probably win this whole thing just by getting your own place to live. The other ideas are probably easier though. Maybe just ask her what she thinks. Let her think about it. Just knowing that you care and are trying to fix the problem could potentially change her whole attitude. Kids get even funner as they get older. It gets easier. I taught my son to throw a frisbee this week. We're all going to the zoo tomorrow. It's not always good times, but I try. There's an astonighing peace of mind that comes with knowing that you're tried your best. And usually, your best is enough to fix the problem anyway.
Very well put. I was hinting at these in my post, but it takes a person that's actually gone trough that to elaborate and put it more nicely.
I agree that the 1st point is probably the most important, but takes the longest out of these (long term). The 3rd one can help short term and the 2nd one is mid term.
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Netherlands6175 Posts
Okay I am not sure my perspective will be all that useful, but I was born to a single mom. I was raised by her and her parents, my father figures were my grandfather and my unlce. My mom met my step-dad when I was three, my first real recollection of him was when we went to his house for a barbeque, and I recall him making moves on my mom. I was really defensive of her, and I was very much against their marriage when i was 5. I refused to call him dad, even after he legally adopted me. Not until my sister was born when i was 7. In short, I accepted him begrudgingly. He has been really good to me and my family, but I have never looked up to him as a father figure. If I get married, I don't know whether I would want him or my biological father that I hardly know, to walk me down the aisle. I don't know that there are many people like me, or if leaving your wife and daughter would lead to the same result, but I feel it is something you should keep in mind when making a big decision like this. Also, one year is way too short to be dating before engagement! I'm sure you realise that now though.
Edit: On May 30 2014 02:55 hazdur wrote:
1) Get your own place to live. I think that every married woman wants to be the queen of her own castle. Even if both your and her parents are otherwise great, it's going to get annoying after a while. I remember once going to my in-laws for a barbecue, and my wife got in an argument with her sister over how to cook the hamburgers. It sounds stupid to you and me, but there was some woman's pride at stake there, and yes, she cried. Here's what I did: I sneaked out, got in my car and drove around until I found a restaurant, bought the nicest hamburger I could find, and brought it back to the house. Everyone was sitting down to eat their greasy burnt hamburgers, and my wife had the fanciest hamburger that money could buy in their town. The message was that this girl was mine now, she has my last name, and when I'm around, she gets what she wants, and everyone at the table, including her, knew that.
This has got to be one of the cutest things I have ever heard. You're awesome.
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I recently split up with my wife, we're having a child of one and a half year. If you want to talk, just send me your skype address. Not sure if I can help though.
On May 30 2014 04:00 urboss wrote:It's great to hear personal stories, but in the end that's what they are, personal stories, applicable only for the individual circumstances. What is the scientific evidence for children of divorced parents experiencing problems later on? Here is one side: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/Is there more to it?
Hearing personal stories might help though, especially on that topic. There are only a few rational things in a divorce, since divorce/splitting up basically IS about feelings, or the lack of them. IMO though, whatever you do - make sure your child will not have a bad experience by it. If you split up - well, try your best to make it alright for the little one. How you do that is completely upon you.
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So, my wife had an idea. (imagine that)
You got married, had a daughter, it's been a few months, and suddenly your wife is having mood swings. Did she start taking birth control pills, or switch brands? If she did, I would bet you money that's the problem. Some brands are like an attitude problem in a bottle, and the timing fits your story. Google search: "Birth control makes me grumpy"
If it's the pills messing with her head, and she quits taking them, she should be back to normal in a few days. It's like night and day.
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Bearded Elder29877 Posts
Well it can be post-birth depression, it doesn't actually have to reavel once the kid is born but it can "activate" after few weeks or even months. My friend had a depression after her daughter was born - for 2 years straight. Her husband helped her a lot and of course she was visiting doctor regularly.
Think about that, maybe those are the first sings of depression.
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I haven't read what other posts above told you, so I am going to say what I believe here, and the way I see my life.
As you grow up you walk out of your family enviroment and you should stand on your own as new and harder problems rise in front of you. In most circumastances you will not be ready to face them and you would most likely avoid them. But you can't (or you shouldn't) avoid them because they are hard, as this might have a bad effect on other people that you may love (or loved at some time).
You have a daughter, and that is not a problem. Sure, there are some responsibilities and you can't do "whatever you want", but this is good as your daughter is the outcome of your love to your wife. Personaly, I hate when things change and I need to deal with new (and possibly harder) situation, but this is what makes the life such and adventure. Solving new problems is not an easy task, and sometime you may need help from other people around you, so don't be afraid to ask them, or think that they will only laugh at you, as everyone needs help from other people, more or less.
You said that you have had a good time at the start of your relationship and at the start of your marriage. One approach is to try to adjust things you have been doing at the start of your relationship (when everything was good) to the current situation. For example, if you were going to cinema every second Saturday or once a month, try to do that now. Hire a babysitter for a night and go out with your wife. You also may go out for a walk with your wife and your child; maybe a short trip with the car. Generally, you should try to have fun (both of you) and see also the good side of your relationship. In general terms, don't tell her that you love her, show that you love her, show that you care about her and you will be always there!
Most times those problems arise because people want different things at a current time and/or bevause they lack communacation at this stage of their live. So try to communicate with her and her needs. You might end up doing things that you don't want to (I don't know the situation and what your exact problems are so I answer your questions in a broader sense), but this is what matters toy raise a child into this world. You may also need some advice from relationship advisor (I don't know how to call him because English is not my mother tongue).
Best of luck, and don't stop trying for things that matter!
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It might seem odd but this blog actually helped me see some things from another perspective. To some of you that mentioned postpartum depression, she does indeed have it.
After making this blog, I realized that I have to stand out for my wife more and that I need to spend time with them more. That's all she ever asked for me really. I have a PC-addiction were I want to be in front of my PC for the whole day and I just dont see it as a problem.
Since yesterday me and my wife are having a blast together again and everything seems nice again. I hope it doesnt go away again in 1 week.
ps: It wasnt 3 weeks that this situation was going on. Its more like 3+ months now.
Thanx for all the help some have given me even tho you dont know who you are.
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Lalalaland34457 Posts
All the best.
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Really happy to hear it! TL is so much like a secondary family for me.
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I would say that is a problem that you need help solving if you would rather be on the computer than to spend time with your wife and child. Maybe you should look into getting help for it?
But congrats on having it work out. Spending time with one another having fun is definitely the best way to get through rough patches. Always seems to work with me.
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TLADT24918 Posts
whelp and here I wrote a nice small essay lol. Glad to hear that things are better though!
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On May 30 2014 10:43 Random_0 wrote: What the hell kind of advice are people giving here? Everyone is giving advice from the perspective of the kids, instead of the parents.
I am married and have 2 kids.
Studies show that couples which stick it out through hard times have much happier lives than couples which separate. My wife and I have had a ton of difficulties (we are also different ethnicities), but we are happy right now.
I would advise you in the strongest possible terms to stick it out for your own happiness, not that of your kids. Getting a divorce is irreversible, and you will be worse off for it. No. Neither is setting your kid's happiness above all right, nor is setting your happiness above all. You're way oversimplifying stuff :/ but I don't want to start a flamewar, since the topic is way too serious.
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I'm getting the feeling that the problems with your wife are a symptom rather than a cause. Like all that stuff you said about living in the same house as her parents and her thinking your mother is an alcoholic and you having a computer addiction sounds weird to me. Kinda like the relationship with your respective families is unbalanced or w/e... The point I'm trying to make is maybe you should review your current situation in every aspect rather than just your relationship with your wife.
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Hey guys it is me again. So it seems that every summer when i get some free time off work and spend more time with my wife we always end up having a fight. Right now i cant stand that in every little stupid fight we have she brings up the divorce thing and how she cant live like this anymore and that she cant stand me anymore. Take note few days earlier to our vacation she was telling me she cant live without me.
Things arent really working out altho i spend alot more time with my daughter which i love her to death.
The most important thing i wanted to ask and that if i divorce is ringing in my head is: if i do divorce will my child hate me? Will my child forget me? Even tho my child is almost 2 i cant explain it but whenever she sees me its different from other people she love even her mother. She holds me differently. She hugs and kisses me without asking for it etc. Will i lose all that if i see her i dunno what the laws say about how.much time i could spend with ny child and the law here is always in favor of the mother so she will win the custody thats for sure.
And also will breaking up will prob make me have a breakdown and wont be able to do anything of my own anymore? I cant explain it but right now i feel very safe but if ill go on my own with also the whole crisis thing over here i might end up in a gutter.
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sticking it out for the kids is ridiculous. you can find plenty of people here with bad experiences growing up in that. you'd be sending a message to your kid that it's ok to be miserable, openly hate your spouse, etc. It's not just mom and dad making the kid upset. It's mom and dad leaving some very lasting bad habits about relationships. neither is ideal but splitting custody and not growing up in a toxic environment >>>> your kid internalizing all that shit about mom and dad hating each other.
that being said, if you both genuinely would like to try (as you should) you should be getting to therapy, both as a couple, and as individuals. you guys might be good together, but just lack the tools to effectively communicate your needs and wants.
On September 01 2015 20:22 ffswowsucks wrote: The most important thing i wanted to ask and that if i divorce is ringing in my head is: if i do divorce will my child hate me? Will my child forget me? Even tho my child is almost 2 i cant explain it but whenever she sees me its different from other people she love even her mother. She holds me differently. She hugs and kisses me without asking for it etc. Will i lose all that if i see her i dunno what the laws say about how.much time i could spend with ny child and the law here is always in favor of the mother so she will win the custody thats for sure.
there's obviously an adjustment period when custody changes but no your kid isnt going to hate you as long as you continue to be you, make time for them, etc just as you would if you were living with them. just be very active with them in any way possible, see them the max the law allows, fight for your custody and rights (or even full custody if you think you'd be better). the kids who end up growing up to hate their parent do so because that parent left, wasnt involved, and moved across the country or something.
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I came home from work after writing my post. Openned up to my wife which i rarely do since im the type of guy who sucks everything inside till he explodes. Talked it over cried together realised we both love each other too damn much and are now ok. Might go to therapy. Actually next week im going to a hypnotist with my dad coz he is saying he can make me stop playing video games. Lets see about that.
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