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Okay, because I'm sick of spaming the Zerg help-me thread and the letting of steam thread, I've decided to write and whine here instead! This is just gonna be a place to dump my thoughts on recent ladder explains, sort of a personal diary of incidents where I got pissed at myself. Why do I want this to be public? I dont know, I like my anger to be public, it just helps me out I guess. Why should anyone care about my issues? They shouldn't and I hope they don't really. I don't expect anyone to read this and I just hope it helps me out.
Aug 2.: Today, I ended up breaking my fan by punching and then repeatedly smashing in into the ground. Shit's completely broken. I broke it further over the dumpster as I was throwing it out too. I've got a new one already, although it was way more money that I'd have like to spend right now in my life. It's amazing what a few ladder games can do to my self esteam and how it can trigger all my anger issues in an instant like that. I kind of wish I could apologize to the person I may have bitch to on ladder, he didn't deserve to hear about why I'm such a piece of shit
But anyway, it's been a while and I have a new sense of motivation and calmness in me. Let's hope this lasts, I can't afford a new fan again.
Aug 4: HOLY FUCK MY MACRO IS SO FUCKING GARBAGE HOW DO I EVEN INJECT LOL
I'm so fucking bad. I just got rolled game after game today. I had NO UNITS EVER. WHY NOW?! I've never had this problem before, but today I just couldn't even touch my opponents armies at ALL. My queens have so much energy, but I have no money to spend even if I had any fucking idea how to macro. More drones? Get timing attacked. More units? Get rolled 10 minutes later. FUCK I HATE HOW I PLAY
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I find it effective to break during a losing streak between games. I usually get upset during a time where I am frustrated with how I play, how others play, and why I am losing, which ends up resulting in me being physically aggressive. I usually slam my desk or throw a pen near me across the room, but it sounds like you have a lot of pent up frustration with the game. Take a 15-20 minute break in-between games. Watch a funny YouTube video or a show that you enjoy (preferably comedy), and after it is over, play again. It has worked wonders on my mindset -- playing while angry will always make you play worse, which will probably make you more angry. I know this is a washed up, pseudo-cop out answer to your questions and concerns about your aggression, but try to distract yourself from anger when it starts to boil up.
Maybe taking an extended break from the game as well. From time to time, think of ways you personally can improve within the game without actually playing it. Formulate strategies and goals you want to work towards when you return to the game and try them out. And most importantly, remember that SC2 is a game that we, ultimately, play because it is fun. Try to find some fun in it, dude. :D
RIP to your fan too. I'm sure you weren't gentle in its murder
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On August 03 2014 11:35 vult wrote:I find it effective to break during a losing streak between games. I usually get upset during a time where I am frustrated with how I play, how others play, and why I am losing, which ends up resulting in me being physically aggressive. I usually slam my desk or throw a pen near me across the room, but it sounds like you have a lot of pent up frustration with the game. Take a 15-20 minute break in-between games. Watch a funny YouTube video or a show that you enjoy (preferably comedy), and after it is over, play again. It has worked wonders on my mindset -- playing while angry will always make you play worse, which will probably make you more angry. I know this is a washed up, pseudo-cop out answer to your questions and concerns about your aggression, but try to distract yourself from anger when it starts to boil up. Maybe taking an extended break from the game as well. From time to time, think of ways you personally can improve within the game without actually playing it. Formulate strategies and goals you want to work towards when you return to the game and try them out. And most importantly, remember that SC2 is a game that we, ultimately, play because it is fun. Try to find some fun in it, dude. :D RIP to your fan too. I'm sure you weren't gentle in its murder
It's all good advice man, I'm just a person who's always struggled with losing. When I played sports as a kid I was that weird kid who would sometimes cry when we lost. Needless to say it was embarrasing and I even got kicked off a team once because of it. It's a problem I have ot work on, among many other things...
And as for the fan, let's just say it was in quite a few pieces when I was done with it. I like that fan too, I'm gonna miss it.
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I think before I made masters, I wound up buying.... 3 headsets. It is never said as much as taking a break, but a good sense of humor can be a life saver with regards to queuing up that next game. Being able to dissociate oneself from a frustrating loss and have a laugh at how that ling bane war got out of hand, or how you completely misread that Terran timing.
Easier said than done, but something to keep in mind.
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One time, I almost broke the wienermobile. It's basically one of these:
I tossed the wienermobile and it hit something and the hotdog part popped off, but luckily, I was able to pop it back into place. I felt really bad after that. Another time, I decided to kick the wall, full force, while sitting in my chair. That was such a bad idea. My chair fell backwards, but luckily, it's a padded chair. Another time, I threw a shoe. I punched the wall until my hand was bleeding. (Just keep in mind, my wall is basically made of concrete with a wood panel over it; it's not dry-wall)
The rage just seemed to be a part of gaming for me. I would often find myself sobbing in my bathroom and thinking about literally everything wrong with my life. My train of thought would go: "I fucking suck at this game, and also, I failed my college class, and also..." and, you know, this wasn't right. Games are supposed to be fun, and I was miserable. I guess when I think about it now, the rage part was kind of funny, because I'm naturally just kind of quiet, laid-back, and unassuming, so it was a total personality switch. The depression part wasn't so funny. When I think about that, I think it had a lot to do with me thinking about how much better everyone else I knew was doing, and how bad I was doing compared to them.
I happened to catch the Day[9] Daily #100. Now, Day9 (as I will call him because it's way too keyboard-intensive to type out brackets) was kind of like someone I looked up to. He was just a jolly fellow who loved to laugh and talk about StarCraft, and I remember thinking "He has such a good attitude about the game and I bet he doesn't rage."
o boi wuz i ever wrong
The still frame pic is from a later episode, but he actually talks more about raging in the Day9 daily #100. Now, I'm not saying "Just go watch that shit and all your problems will be solved", but rather, I'm tellin' my own damn story. When he told the story about his stuffed bunny, Manfred, my eyes just kind of welled-up with tears, because I could feel all that emotion and realized that I never ever learned to forgive myself. I just kind of held myself to this impossibly high standard where I wanted everything at once. I wanted to be good at the game, and have people look up to me, and tell me how good I am, and to win tournaments and all that good shit. All at once. And I would lose some ladder games to some "noobs", and be like "I am never going to be good if I can't even beat these idiots, and my dreams will never come true in ANYTHING." Because obviously, I put a lot of time into StarCraft, so I figured if I put so much time and effort into this game, and still was pitiful, that it would translate into other areas of my life and I could try my hardest at other things and be pitiful at those things as well. But that day, Day9 made me cry. I felt the pain of losing Manfred, because I almost lost wienermobile.
From that day on, I promised to forgive myself and treat myself better when losing. I mean, I didn't instantly change overnight, but before, I would work on little things like working specifically on scouting, or specifically on using spellcasters, and stuff like that, and after that, my thing was to work on just being calm and focused. I realized that being angry is a normal thing, and emotions are a chemical thing that happens in your brain (I think that's the correct scientific terminology) but that you condition yourself to fall into a pattern of behaviors that accompany those emotions. Later on somewhere down the road, I saw a video on youtube where a guy who seemed pretty smart said that by lashing out physically during anger, we're training our instincts to react with physical aggression during anger. I always thought hitting stuff was "Letting the anger out", but I thought about it, and considered the possibility that the guy from youtube was right, and that I needed to force myself out of the habit of reacting violently when angry. That sort of behavior pattern had been there my whole life, so I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't ever picked up StarCraft, and never watched that Day9 video, and never almost broke wienermobile. I wonder how much longer it would've taken for me to realize I had to stop being self-destructive and try to be a better person.
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On August 03 2014 12:35 ninazerg wrote:One time, I almost broke the wienermobile. It's basically one of these: I tossed the wienermobile and it hit something and the hotdog part popped off, but luckily, I was able to pop it back into place. I felt really bad after that. Another time, I decided to kick the wall, full force, while sitting in my chair. That was such a bad idea. My chair fell backwards, but luckily, it's a padded chair. Another time, I threw a shoe. I punched the wall until my hand was bleeding. (Just keep in mind, my wall is basically made of concrete with a wood panel over it; it's not dry-wall) The rage just seemed to be a part of gaming for me. I would often find myself sobbing in my bathroom and thinking about literally everything wrong with my life. My train of thought would go: "I fucking suck at this game, and also, I failed my college class, and also..." and, you know, this wasn't right. Games are supposed to be fun, and I was miserable. I guess when I think about it now, the rage part was kind of funny, because I'm naturally just kind of quiet, laid-back, and unassuming, so it was a total personality switch. The depression part wasn't so funny. When I think about that, I think it had a lot to do with me thinking about how much better everyone else I knew was doing, and how bad I was doing compared to them. I happened to catch the Day[9] Daily #100. Now, Day9 (as I will call him because it's way too keyboard-intensive to type out brackets) was kind of like someone I looked up to. He was just a jolly fellow who loved to laugh and talk about StarCraft, and I remember thinking "He has such a good attitude about the game and I bet he doesn't rage." o boi wuz i ever wrongThe still frame pic is from a later episode, but he actually talks more about raging in the Day9 daily #100. Now, I'm not saying " Just go watch that shit and all your problems will be solved", but rather, I'm tellin' my own damn story. When he told the story about his stuffed bunny, Manfred, my eyes just kind of welled-up with tears, because I could feel all that emotion and realized that I never ever learned to forgive myself. I just kind of held myself to this impossibly high standard where I wanted everything at once. I wanted to be good at the game, and have people look up to me, and tell me how good I am, and to win tournaments and all that good shit. All at once. And I would lose some ladder games to some "noobs", and be like " I am never going to be good if I can't even beat these idiots, and my dreams will never come true in ANYTHING." Because obviously, I put a lot of time into StarCraft, so I figured if I put so much time and effort into this game, and still was pitiful, that it would translate into other areas of my life and I could try my hardest at other things and be pitiful at those things as well. But that day, Day9 made me cry. I felt the pain of losing Manfred, because I almost lost wienermobile. From that day on, I promised to forgive myself and treat myself better when losing. I mean, I didn't instantly change overnight, but before, I would work on little things like working specifically on scouting, or specifically on using spellcasters, and stuff like that, and after that, my thing was to work on just being calm and focused. I realized that being angry is a normal thing, and emotions are a chemical thing that happens in your brain (I think that's the correct scientific terminology) but that you condition yourself to fall into a pattern of behaviors that accompany those emotions. Later on somewhere down the road, I saw a video on youtube where a guy who seemed pretty smart said that by lashing out physically during anger, we're training our instincts to react with physical aggression during anger. I always thought hitting stuff was "Letting the anger out", but I thought about it, and considered the possibility that the guy from youtube was right, and that I needed to force myself out of the habit of reacting violently when angry. That sort of behavior pattern had been there my whole life, so I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't ever picked up StarCraft, and never watched that Day9 video, and never almost broke wienermobile. I wonder how much longer it would've taken for me to realize I had to stop being self-destructive and try to be a better person.
That's quite the story man, and I'm suprised you'd put in that much effort for little ol' me. I really appreciate it though. Truth be told, I have been getting better as time has gone on I think. It's just these situations like today where I snap and go off and do something I basically instantly regret. The problem is I often turn my anger inwards, I don't like to rage on people, I've done very bad things to people snapping and raging on them and I made a promise to myself to never do it again, I nearly really hurt someone one time (he did deserve it, but it was a terrible feeling in retrospect). But I'm getting better I swear! Glad to see you're weinermobile is still fine though!
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TLADT24917 Posts
I'm sorry but I couldn't help but chuckle at this:
he didn't deserve to hear about why I'm such a piece of shit Not because you are wrong but because if I was on the receiving end, I would've probably chuckled and tried to counsel the guy who was saying he's a piece of shit lol. Either way, anger can be quite serious at times and whether in SCII when I played or in BW, losing even 2-3 games in a row is anger inducing for me. I think it's because you have certain expectations for yourself so when you don't reach them, you take it out to help yourself cope. Anger can be destructive but also constructive. When you get angry, take a break and go for a walk or draw or do something that you enjoy that's not SCII related. Then once the anger has subsided, you can come back to SCII with the same passion and desire to do well.
I'm lucky in the fact that even when I get angry, the worst I'll do is just close the game and not play another one lol but it also means there's a lack of improvement. I guess I can live with that as long as I don't do something that I'll regret if I get angry XD Best of luck!
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On August 03 2014 13:50 BigFan wrote:I'm sorry but I couldn't help but chuckle at this: Not because you are wrong but because if I was on the receiving end, I would've probably chuckled and tried to counsel the guy who was saying he's a piece of shit lol. Either way, anger can be quite serious at times and whether in SCII when I played or in BW, losing even 2-3 games in a row is anger inducing for me. I think it's because you have certain expectations for yourself so when you don't reach them, you take it out to help yourself cope. Anger can be destructive but also constructive. When you get angry, take a break and go for a walk or draw or do something that you enjoy that's not SCII related. Then once the anger has subsided, you can come back to SCII with the same passion and desire to do well. I'm lucky in the fact that even when I get angry, the worst I'll do is just close the game and not play another one lol but it also means there's a lack of improvement. I guess I can live with that as long as I don't do something that I'll regret if I get angry XD Best of luck!
He did try to counsel and console me a bit, which was very nice of him. It's not something you expect to do when you log on to play a game , and I'm grateful that the majority of the sc2 community is so nice and polite. It helps, who knows what I might have broken if he had been an asshole about it.
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TLADT24917 Posts
On August 03 2014 14:29 SetGuitarsToKill wrote:Show nested quote +On August 03 2014 13:50 BigFan wrote:I'm sorry but I couldn't help but chuckle at this: he didn't deserve to hear about why I'm such a piece of shit Not because you are wrong but because if I was on the receiving end, I would've probably chuckled and tried to counsel the guy who was saying he's a piece of shit lol. Either way, anger can be quite serious at times and whether in SCII when I played or in BW, losing even 2-3 games in a row is anger inducing for me. I think it's because you have certain expectations for yourself so when you don't reach them, you take it out to help yourself cope. Anger can be destructive but also constructive. When you get angry, take a break and go for a walk or draw or do something that you enjoy that's not SCII related. Then once the anger has subsided, you can come back to SCII with the same passion and desire to do well. I'm lucky in the fact that even when I get angry, the worst I'll do is just close the game and not play another one lol but it also means there's a lack of improvement. I guess I can live with that as long as I don't do something that I'll regret if I get angry XD Best of luck! He did try to counsel and console me a bit, which was very nice of him. It's not something you expect to do when you log on to play a game , and I'm grateful that the majority of the sc2 community is so nice and polite. It helps, who knows what I might have broken if he had been an asshole about it. ah I see, cool that you had a good experience. Nothing wrong with BMing yourself though yes, you should find a better way to release anger imo. Maybe a stress ball after you lost a game to prevent yourself from typing back and release the anger.
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United States1431 Posts
I dont know, I like my anger to be public
Being able to expose a part of yourself to the internet can feel daunting, after all it's like you're putting a piece of yourself out there for lots of people to judge. It's your blog anyhow so you can write whatever you want.
I'd never rage unless someone was bm'ing me through the chat. The main thing that makes me continue playing even after suffering a disheartening six game losing streak was thinking back to the progamers. They didn't get there by raging after every loss, they tirelessly played game after game after game looking for the answers constantly bettering themselves. I remember Jaedong said in an interview that he loved to lose when he was just a practice partner because he was learning even though he'd only win one out of ten games with the pros and he's regarded as a BW bonjwa today.
In the end losing is just a part of improving and I still haven't gotten over the depression that follows after losing. Eventually though I learn from my mistakes and start realizing certain things you realize only after playing a thousand games. Sometimes I felt like I really was wasting my time which I probably was since the same invigorating feeling when I first picked up StarCraft wasn't there. I'm really wondering now. Just find solace in the little things you do enjoy about playing StarCraft like what made you pick it up, what grips you. Just find it fun. The biggest thing though of all time that helps me is realizing there will always be someone who is better at StarCraft than you are, and that's just the way you have to accept things calmly. They can bm you too while you're losing. In that case don't play with them.
Day9's How to Deal with Rage Here's a helpful video.
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Aug 19: Okay, drunk starcraft does not work and I am only more angry and agressive when drunk. Friends don't let friends drink and ladder! Fuck me that was the most awful I've ever player before. Literally 19 lings vs. 50 marines. I'm shit when I'm sober, I'm SUPER FUCKING SHIT WHEN IVE HAD A FEW DRINKS IN ME FUCK THAT SHIT MAN. completely bronze league. why do I gotta be so pathetic?
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TLADT24917 Posts
Maybe you should stop drinking and playing at the same time then
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On August 20 2014 13:52 BigFan wrote:Maybe you should stop drinking and playing at the same time then
I don't usually do it. I tried it tonight and it worked out badly
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United States1431 Posts
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Okay... I'm starting to get off on losing...
I love it. I don't learn from it or anything. I just live feeling like shit. I LOVE IT. It's all I do and it makes me feel. I like it when my opponents beat me. It makes them feel good I hope. Winning doesn't bring happiness, but losing brings something .Something to feel. I had forgetten what feeling was like. It's nice.
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TLADT24917 Posts
On September 19 2014 13:28 SetGuitarsToKill wrote: Okay... I'm starting to get off on losing...
I love it. I don't learn from it or anything. I just live feeling like shit. I LOVE IT. It's all I do and it makes me feel. I like it when my opponents beat me. It makes them feel good I hope. Winning doesn't bring happiness, but losing brings something .Something to feel. I had forgetten what feeling was like. It's nice. Are you drunk?
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On September 19 2014 14:55 BigFan wrote:Show nested quote +On September 19 2014 13:28 SetGuitarsToKill wrote: Okay... I'm starting to get off on losing...
I love it. I don't learn from it or anything. I just live feeling like shit. I LOVE IT. It's all I do and it makes me feel. I like it when my opponents beat me. It makes them feel good I hope. Winning doesn't bring happiness, but losing brings something .Something to feel. I had forgetten what feeling was like. It's nice. Are you drunk?
I was ya... Sorry
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I JUST PUT A FUCKING HOLE IN MY DRY WALL FUCK ME OH GOD FUCK ME IM SO FUCKED
DOES ANYOEN KNOW HOW TO FIX DRY WALL?
FUCK IM SUCH AN IDIOT
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