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Lets go back a bit to two weeks ago.
I just turned 23 in May, actually making grown up money finally, and have a new girlfriend that i have to say is by far the best relationship iv'e had so far. everything looks to be going very well and i'm happy as can be.
One day i'm at work and i get a text from my girlfriend. THE text. shes pregnant. the rest of the day i'm freaking out but still trying to play it cool in front of my coworkers. after what felt like the longest 8 hours of my life, i go buy more tests then meet my girlfriend. turns out she was very right.
Some impotent back story: my girlfriend is Japanese on a student visa. shes been in the States for about two year at this point and speaks pretty good English but there are things i need to translate for her to get but until this point it wasn't that much of an inconvenience.
After about a week of us both trying to come to terms with the whole thing, we start telling family. My family was surprised but over all very supportive and was in a way happy they are getting a grand kid. her family were, for the most part, on the same page. they seem to be supportive and offered to help anyway they could. only thing is, in there eyes, we need to get married.
Up till this point i had thought about it but only briefly and more as a thing to do in a few years after we have gone though everything and see how we feel about each other then. Also due to language barriers we did talk about having the kid in Japan. my thought process was that stress is bad for the baby so why not have it there and then come back so she can finish her degree
Turned out i was wrong.. looks like shes going back to Japan and staying there. so me, as the soon to be husband, am left with the choices of staying in America and only going to Japan for the birth or uproot and move with her. obviously i chose the latter.
In a very short amount of time my life has and will change drastically. I wouldn't say any of this is a bad change, but it certainly could have had better timing..
would anyone happen to have any advise for moving to Japan? i will have a spouse visa so that's not too bad but i still don't speak Japanese very well..
TL;DR my girlfriend of two and half months is pregnant and we are moving to Japan in about three months
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I moved to Japan for my wife's career move and we had a child after two years, so I had a lot more runway than you and things have been much easier, but I can impart some advice.
First off, if you're going to move to Japan, you should dive in head first and learn as much Japanese as you can as quickly as you can. Life is enormously harder if cannot speak or read the language at all and it will erect a high barrier that will make socializing and finding work infinitely harder. Corollary to that is learning the culture and adapting to it as much as you can. Japanese ways of thinking and perspectives are quite different from America and again, everything is much better if you can internalize and sympathize with their perspective rather than assuming they're wrong-headed and strange. Beware of Western bad habits of immigrating to Japan of getting to some middling level of Japanese and plateauing off and especially the temptation to start hating Japanese culture because you cannot understand how they think.
Second off, babies are hard man. It's a rewarding experience but it stifles the ambitions you might have had in your life and makes everything much harder and slower. Be willing to fall into the social net and see if your fiancee's family is willing to shoulder a lot of the burden. Japan is quite good at providing pre-parenting lessons and making sure you have the proper resources, better than the US I think. Of course, the converse is that Japanese have certain procedures and you are not allowed to deviate from them, it's a very bureaucratic process, which is a good or bad things depending on how much you hate paperwork and how willing you are to live by their rules (hence learning the culture - being willing to live by their rules is preferable to hitting your head against the wall repeatedly).
You are very young so it would help if you could list your job skills or education to see what you might like. If you want to jump into grad school, you don't have much time but you could put in an application for the Global 30 program, where Japan is trying to attract foreign talent with scholarships. I will let you know that the key is finding a professor who will support you. The bureaucratic walls for this are VERY high but a professor vouching for you can bypass everything, even the mandatory entrance exams which you will get a zero because it's a difficult test even for natives.
I would honestly sit down with her putting pen to paper and discuss your future careers. It is virtually impossible since you're so young, but you need to consider where you will have the best economic opportunities and frankly whose family has more resources to care for the baby. Know that Japanese do not use nannies, au pairs, or babysitters, they mostly rely on family or local day cares. The Japanese language is terribly difficult to master and Japanese workers have the longest hours and are usually among the unhappiest of the developed countries. Japanese jobs also do not pay well for skilled work relative to their American counterparts, which doesn't really matter in your early 20s because all jobs suck. But I usually like to say Japan is a logarithmic society, meaning it's easy to have a pretty good life and nearly impossible to have a really good life better than ordinary people. America is an exponential society, where it's more you get what you pay for and you can get a super high premium if you have talent or skills or luck.
This was pretty long. Let me know if you want more.
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Extra note: avoid teaching English as your primary job. It's easy money and an easy life, but it's basically unskilled labor and the temptation is enormous to fall into a rut with no way to escape. Do it if you need money and purpose, but you should try to develop your skills for a career in which there is upward mobility, especially if there is any possibility you will move back to the United States. Learning Japanese and learning how to deal with complex bureaucracy and putting up with hostile situations are valuable skills in America, teaching English is not.
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You should know that you will be treated as an outsider the whole time you are there by regular Japanese. Even if you die there aged 108 you still be an outsider. I say this as someone who thinks Japan is a great place and the people kind. If you understand this early it should be easier to deal with it.
Other than that learn Japanese fast, English is not well spoken in Japan by the everyday man, even though it is mandatory in school.
Good luck! I do not know what I would do in your situation, every option seems to balance out good and bad aspects.
They don't play much StarCraft in Japan though....
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On August 17 2015 20:53 Korakys wrote:You should know that you will be treated as an outsider the whole time you are there by regular Japanese. Even if you die there aged 108 you still be an outsider. I say this as someone who thinks Japan is a great place and the people kind. If you understand this early it should be easier to deal with it. Other than that learn Japanese fast, English is not well spoken in Japan by the everyday man, even though it is mandatory in school. Good luck! I do not know what I would do in your situation, every option seems to balance out good and bad aspects. They don't play much StarCraft in Japan though.... I will posit as a Korean American that this is part and parcel of the immigrant experience. If you move to a new place and try to assume a new identity, there will certainly be bumps in adapting and identifying as a new culture. I've never experienced overt and hostile racism in the US or Japan, but it has never been a simple assumption for others to make that I am American (and perhaps it isn't since my identity spans three separate cultures now). This applies double in Japan where I have adapted enough that most Japanese simply assume that I am also Japanese and so do non-Japanese. Even after I speak English at a level and fluidity that is beyond fluent, there is always the question from Westerners and Japanese alike of "where are you from? No, where are you REALLY from?"
And you do have to add the wrinkle that most Westerners who move to Japan do not want to become Japanese, which contrasts with most Asians moving to America and desperately wanting to become American. There is a strange paradox that indeed the Japanese do not embrace people who look white as Japanese even when they want to identify as Japanese, but the vast majority of white people do not want to be embraced and treated like other Japanese people (i.e. they want and expect to be treated better than ordinary Japanese).
Bottom line: The best way to learn the Japanese language is to be born to Japanese parents in Japan. And nearly all native or fluent Japanese speakers in the whole world did it that way. It has nothing like the global stretch of English, Spanish, or French. But it is very important to do it if you plan to live and especially work in Japan.
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This is interesting, and I'd like to know a few more things about the situation to make more comments. I applaud you for doing the right thing though.
=== Where in Japan exactly?
Japan is a pretty big place, and each part is very different. Since you are a foreigner, being in a large city will be much easier than a smaller town. I currently live in Shibuya Tokyo, and the place overall is very international, with lots of foreigners, and establishments catering to or at least aware of the expat community. Even within Tokyo, some wards are much more domestic.
=== What's your ethnicity?
Your life will be generally much easier if you are white; if you are Asian, that's pretty good too, and particularly good for your kid (I'll get to this point a bit later).
People in Japan cut foreigners a lot of slack, and mostly helpful, this is especially true if you are white. Caucasians still stand out, and people will stare, even in Tokyo, where there are foreigners in every corner, on every train. My friends who've settled here, and raised families here, tell me that it gets annoying after many years, because they always stand out, and people always treat them like tourists even though they've lived here for tens of years and speak the language very well. I'm Chinese-Canadian, and one benefit of being oriental Asian is that you can blend in and pretend to be Japanese if you want to, and this is helpful. When I go out with said friends, waiters and waitresses always only talk to me without fail, and will continue to do so even after they demonstrate that they in fact speak better Japanese than I do. Things like this could get annoying, if you truly want to live here.
If you are not Asian and not Caucasian, you might experience a bit more blatant racism, but it won't be too bad.
This race issue goes on to your child as well. If your child looks different, he/she might experience some prejudice growing up in public schools. I have a lot of mixed friends, and their experiences with the Japanese public education system have generally been poor. Keep in mind this was 10-15 years ago, things do get better every year, and especially in large metros. Smaller cities are likely worse.
=== Do you have an education?
I don't know what you plan on doing in Japan, but getting a job that's not teaching English might not be very easy.
=== Random things about Tokyo:
I've been living in Tokyo for nearly 5 years now, and overall, it's a really easy place to live in. Even with a normal exchange rate of 100:1 (as opposed to 120 or 125), things in Tokyo are much cheaper than New York. 1000 yen goes much further here than $10 in NY would. I've spent most of my adult life here, and I honestly think it's one of the nicest and more comfortable cities to live in, but you need to be more a like local and live outside of the expat bubble.
TLDR: As a Chinese-Canadian, I really enjoy my life in Tokyo.
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Japan is a wonderful country to have a vacation in, but living there is a whole another story. It's really a matter of adapting to a new environment, which you can do but you're going to have to put in work, and blending in, which goes to your ethnicity.
@coverpunch
This applies double in Japan where I have adapted enough that most Japanese simply assume that I am also Japanese and so do non-Japanese. Even after I speak English at a level and fluidity that is beyond fluent, there is always the question from Westerners and Japanese alike of "where are you from? No, where are you REALLY from?" What do you mean by this? Japanese people are asking you "where are you really from" when they are assuming you are Japanese?
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On August 17 2015 23:18 Deathstar wrote:Japan is a wonderful country to have a vacation in, but living there is a whole another story. It's really a matter of adapting to a new environment, which you can do but you're going to have to put in work, and blending in, which goes to your ethnicity. @coverpunch Show nested quote +This applies double in Japan where I have adapted enough that most Japanese simply assume that I am also Japanese and so do non-Japanese. Even after I speak English at a level and fluidity that is beyond fluent, there is always the question from Westerners and Japanese alike of "where are you from? No, where are you REALLY from?" What do you mean by this? Japanese people are asking you "where are you really from" when they are assuming you are Japanese? No, they assume I'm Japanese, but if I speak English, then they'll ask me where I'm from since I am clearly from an English-speaking country. If I say I'm American, they'll ask where I'm really from. It's a mildly offensive question in general because it implies they don't accept me as being simply American but not too bothersome because it also implies they're curious about my heritage (and thus me personally).
Western people in Japan have had a similar reaction. But what's more generally bothersome is that Japanese will ask my opinions on things and treat it as though it is from the perspective of Koreans and not Americans. Sometimes it's very strange - I really have no idea what Koreans think of the Toshiba scandal or Nikkei buying the Financial Times.
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On August 17 2015 23:39 coverpunch wrote:Show nested quote +On August 17 2015 23:18 Deathstar wrote:Japan is a wonderful country to have a vacation in, but living there is a whole another story. It's really a matter of adapting to a new environment, which you can do but you're going to have to put in work, and blending in, which goes to your ethnicity. @coverpunch This applies double in Japan where I have adapted enough that most Japanese simply assume that I am also Japanese and so do non-Japanese. Even after I speak English at a level and fluidity that is beyond fluent, there is always the question from Westerners and Japanese alike of "where are you from? No, where are you REALLY from?" What do you mean by this? Japanese people are asking you "where are you really from" when they are assuming you are Japanese? No, they assume I'm Japanese, but if I speak English, then they'll ask me where I'm from since I am clearly from an English-speaking country. If I say I'm American, they'll ask where I'm really from. It's a mildly offensive question in general because it implies they don't accept me as being simply American but not too bothersome because it also implies they're curious about my heritage (and thus me personally). Western people in Japan have had a similar reaction. But what's more generally bothersome is that Japanese will ask my opinions on things and treat it as though it is from the perspective of Koreans and not Americans. Sometimes it's very strange - I really have no idea what Koreans think of the Toshiba scandal or Nikkei buying the Financial Times.
Ah I see. Thanks for the insight!
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I think people kind of have an expectation that even if you didn't grow up in the country of your parents or your grand-parents, that you still hold onto some aspect of that culture. I get though that if you're explaining why you speak English well, America should be a good enough answer that implies you were raised there. There's just a leap in the logic of the conversation shifting from why do you speak English well to what is your ancestry (and do you hang onto it). They're only tangentially related by 'what is your background' and from person to person it varies how interested you are in your own background and how comfortable you are sharing it.
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I seem to be the only one completely shocked by this.
You start out your post by mentionning your "new gf". You've been together for 2.5 months, which is litterally nothing. And you go from "new gf" to "soon-to-be-wife" and "mother of my child" ?! YOU BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER ! And both families were OK with this and supportive ? o_O
I must come from a different world. I just... I mean I can't even start to imagine being in this situation. I've had a few GF's of 2.5 months, and the on thing I know is that 2.5 months is absolutely not enough time to know a person enough to take such a huge decision (a kid, marriage, leaving your country).
Edit: I'm sorry to be that negative man. I suppose that this situation must be one where our cultures massively diverge. Congrats on having kid and getting married ! And good luck for everything :-)
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On August 18 2015 00:41 LoneYoShi wrote: I seem to be the only one completely shocked by this.
You start out your post by mentionning your "new gf". You've been together for 2.5 months, which is litterally nothing. And you go from "new gf" to "soon-to-be-wife" and "mother of my child" ?! YOU BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER ! And both families were OK with this and supportive ? o_O
I must come from a different world. I just... I mean I can't even start to imagine being in this situation. I've had a few GF's of 2.5 months, and the on thing I know is that 2.5 months is absolutely not enough time to know a person enough to take such a huge decision (a kid, marriage, leaving your country).
Edit: I'm sorry to be that negative man. I suppose that this situation must be one where our cultures massively diverge. Congrats on having kid and getting married ! And good luck for everything :-) When there's an unplanned child on the way and you don't want to abort, you don't have that many options. Not knowing her for a long time is not as bad as it sounds, many marriages of people who knew each other for a long time before marriage still get divorced, and many arranged marriages between people who barely knew each other before have worked out in the past and still work out today in some cultures. Whether his marriage works out or not will be decided in the years to come, not now.
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On August 17 2015 21:24 coverpunch wrote:Show nested quote +On August 17 2015 20:53 Korakys wrote:You should know that you will be treated as an outsider the whole time you are there by regular Japanese. Even if you die there aged 108 you still be an outsider. I say this as someone who thinks Japan is a great place and the people kind. If you understand this early it should be easier to deal with it. Other than that learn Japanese fast, English is not well spoken in Japan by the everyday man, even though it is mandatory in school. Good luck! I do not know what I would do in your situation, every option seems to balance out good and bad aspects. They don't play much StarCraft in Japan though.... I will posit as a Korean American that this is part and parcel of the immigrant experience. If you move to a new place and try to assume a new identity, there will certainly be bumps in adapting and identifying as a new culture. I've never experienced overt and hostile racism in the US or Japan, but it has never been a simple assumption for others to make that I am American (and perhaps it isn't since my identity spans three separate cultures now). This applies double in Japan where I have adapted enough that most Japanese simply assume that I am also Japanese and so do non-Japanese. Even after I speak English at a level and fluidity that is beyond fluent, there is always the question from Westerners and Japanese alike of "where are you from? No, where are you REALLY from?" And you do have to add the wrinkle that most Westerners who move to Japan do not want to become Japanese, which contrasts with most Asians moving to America and desperately wanting to become American. There is a strange paradox that indeed the Japanese do not embrace people who look white as Japanese even when they want to identify as Japanese, but the vast majority of white people do not want to be embraced and treated like other Japanese people (i.e. they want and expect to be treated better than ordinary Japanese). Bottom line: The best way to learn the Japanese language is to be born to Japanese parents in Japan. And nearly all native or fluent Japanese speakers in the whole world did it that way. It has nothing like the global stretch of English, Spanish, or French. But it is very important to do it if you plan to live and especially work in Japan. Thank you for this perspective. I did have in my mind equally what I have heard of the experience of Koreans in Japan as with caucasians.
Perhaps it is our colonial inferiority complex, but there are not many around here that would live in another country and not try to respect its culture. It is not something I therefore thought of. [Doesn't mean there aren't racists in NZ, but they don't tend to visit other countries, let alone live in them.]
There are significant populations of ethnic Japanese in Brazil and Peru btw and I've read that even they can have a tough time living in Japan.
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On August 18 2015 02:42 spinesheath wrote:Show nested quote +On August 18 2015 00:41 LoneYoShi wrote: I seem to be the only one completely shocked by this.
You start out your post by mentionning your "new gf". You've been together for 2.5 months, which is litterally nothing. And you go from "new gf" to "soon-to-be-wife" and "mother of my child" ?! YOU BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER ! And both families were OK with this and supportive ? o_O
I must come from a different world. I just... I mean I can't even start to imagine being in this situation. I've had a few GF's of 2.5 months, and the on thing I know is that 2.5 months is absolutely not enough time to know a person enough to take such a huge decision (a kid, marriage, leaving your country).
Edit: I'm sorry to be that negative man. I suppose that this situation must be one where our cultures massively diverge. Congrats on having kid and getting married ! And good luck for everything :-) When there's an unplanned child on the way and you don't want to abort, you don't have that many options. Not knowing her for a long time is not as bad as it sounds, many marriages of people who knew each other for a long time before marriage still get divorced, and many arranged marriages between people who barely knew each other before have worked out in the past and still work out today in some cultures. Whether his marriage works out or not will be decided in the years to come, not now.
You summed up my feeling about it pretty well. Obviously that's not a lot of time to be together and we both would rather this not happen for a year or more but babies have ways of changing everything. well its not even here yet and it has changed so much, i cant imagine what its going to be like when its here.
only thing i can do is stay positive
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On August 17 2015 16:28 coverpunch wrote: Extra note: avoid teaching English as your primary job. It's easy money and an easy life, but it's basically unskilled labor and the temptation is enormous to fall into a rut with no way to escape. Do it if you need money and purpose, but you should try to develop your skills for a career in which there is upward mobility, especially if there is any possibility you will move back to the United States. Learning Japanese and learning how to deal with complex bureaucracy and putting up with hostile situations are valuable skills in America, teaching English is not.
Thank you this was very helpful! for work, i have a very high level federal clearance so i'm hoping to apply to the embassy in Tokyo and other United States government jobs first but if that doesn't work out i'm going to need to find something else. i don't want to go the teaching path but if i simply cant get a job ill look that way.
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On August 17 2015 22:54 Cambium wrote: This is interesting, and I'd like to know a few more things about the situation to make more comments. I applaud you for doing the right thing though.
=== Where in Japan exactly?
Japan is a pretty big place, and each part is very different. Since you are a foreigner, being in a large city will be much easier than a smaller town. I currently live in Shibuya Tokyo, and the place overall is very international, with lots of foreigners, and establishments catering to or at least aware of the expat community. Even within Tokyo, some wards are much more domestic.
=== What's your ethnicity?
Your life will be generally much easier if you are white; if you are Asian, that's pretty good too, and particularly good for your kid (I'll get to this point a bit later).
People in Japan cut foreigners a lot of slack, and mostly helpful, this is especially true if you are white. Caucasians still stand out, and people will stare, even in Tokyo, where there are foreigners in every corner, on every train. My friends who've settled here, and raised families here, tell me that it gets annoying after many years, because they always stand out, and people always treat them like tourists even though they've lived here for tens of years and speak the language very well. I'm Chinese-Canadian, and one benefit of being oriental Asian is that you can blend in and pretend to be Japanese if you want to, and this is helpful. When I go out with said friends, waiters and waitresses always only talk to me without fail, and will continue to do so even after they demonstrate that they in fact speak better Japanese than I do. Things like this could get annoying, if you truly want to live here.
If you are not Asian and not Caucasian, you might experience a bit more blatant racism, but it won't be too bad.
This race issue goes on to your child as well. If your child looks different, he/she might experience some prejudice growing up in public schools. I have a lot of mixed friends, and their experiences with the Japanese public education system have generally been poor. Keep in mind this was 10-15 years ago, things do get better every year, and especially in large metros. Smaller cities are likely worse.
=== Do you have an education?
I don't know what you plan on doing in Japan, but getting a job that's not teaching English might not be very easy.
=== Random things about Tokyo:
I've been living in Tokyo for nearly 5 years now, and overall, it's a really easy place to live in. Even with a normal exchange rate of 100:1 (as opposed to 120 or 125), things in Tokyo are much cheaper than New York. 1000 yen goes much further here than $10 in NY would. I've spent most of my adult life here, and I honestly think it's one of the nicest and more comfortable cities to live in, but you need to be more a like local and live outside of the expat bubble.
TLDR: As a Chinese-Canadian, I really enjoy my life in Tokyo.
where in Japan? Itabashi, Tokyo. do you know if this is a ok part of town? i will be living with my soon-to-be-wife's family.
What's your ethnicity? i am white. i have heard some stuff about being white in Japan and i don't think it would bother me much, but i do really worry about my kid growing up as half white..
Do you have an education? i don't. iv'e been working in security at the federal level so my plan is to try to work at the embassy or something relating to USA. i have a very high clearance and i hope to fall on that
i have heard things outside of rent and owning a car are rather inexpensive but that's all word of mouth. i still haven't been so i don't know.
thank you so much for the help!
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The Visa won't be too much of an issue, so you can work there without too much trouble. Emphasis on "too much". There can be messy details depending on where you're living.
Which actually brings up the biggest, direct, issue: which Prefecture will you be living in? You're in for a world of a different life if you're living in Tokyo (25% probability, actually) or Sado Island. It's the difference between Rural Montana and New York City.
Edit: Posted this without catching the response above. Oops!
Though the biggest issue is going to be her family. So it's a good idea to get a really quick understanding of what her Father's work is, how big the extended family is and the ages involved. Depending on your own family background, you might be in for more a culture shock from the family than the culture. American Culture has adapted to having much more physical space between everyone, but few other cultures have that option, which is why the interaction "matrix" (for lack of a better word) is simply different. There are pluses & minuses to both approaches, but that's a long discussion unto itself (and would be a distraction here).
I should probably point why they want you married. Aside from the basic aspect (a child living with both Biological Parents has the best outcomes in life), it changes the dynamics their daughter will be view by others. She'll go from a "stupid girl" (that got herself knocked up) to a Woman that could lock down an American Husband. As much as people don't like talk about such things these days, I'm not one to care what "should" be in a discussion like this, only "what is". And the reality is that the marriage utterly changes life (for the positive) for her and her family. Especially depending on what her Father does for work. Not causing "shame" (or "saving face", which is the direct translation of the words generally used) is really, really important, but it's also something you can learn to deal with.
Classic tips for dealing her family, which applies to any culture: be very respectful to her Father. Praise him for all of his hard work and the wonderful job he has done, and that you hope to be able to live up to his example. Praise her mother for how charming and pretty she is. If you need something a little extra, figure out a way to impress her mother's friends. Her mother's friends saying good things back to her mother will be like catnip. [Studying up on Human Social dynamics does pay off, now and then]
Japanese Tip Number #1: first thing to do is learn Katakana & Hiragana to the exclusion of everything else. You need to be able to read it almost as good as English, even if you have zero clue what you're reading. While you're doing that, work HARD on your pronunciation. If you get used to controlling your tongue differently, early, it'll go a lot easier. Especially when you have to start wrapping the speed up. Japanese is spoken very quickly.
Now, on Japanese Language: get started now. The language itself is functionally very "easy". But the written system is 1500 years of slightly edited stupidity. I don't directly recommend using Kanji Damage to learn Kanji, but I do recommend reading these two pages: Page One and Page Two. I find it helps to know some of the "why" the insanity of the Japanese Language exists, as it helps make life easier. Because, otherwise, you'll have zero clue why North ("kita") and West ("nishi") change when you talk about NorthWest ("hokusei"). It makes perfect sense within the context of Japanese, but it makes no sense to the Japanese learner. [Japanese has a Hub-Spoke aspect to itself around the Kanji. They lockdown the concept of the sentence you're making and are modified to fit the case.]
I like some of the study materials off this site: http://www.mlcjapanese.co.jp/ I don't know if the paid lessons are worth much, but it might be interesting to go through the Free Trial lesson via Skype. (No recommendation either way)
You'll need to figure out how you learn, when it comes to language learning. Avoid the Rosetta Stone trap. (I think it's better for kids than an adult learner, but it's really too big of a time sink to get the value out of it.) If you can "book learn" the language, you'll be nicely blessed to do things faster, but a lot of people can't do that. You'll need someone that you can practice with, that isn't your soon-to-be-wife, so you might want to look around the Social Learning websites. There are a number around now and a few bucks could be very well spent learning from someone else.
How your child will do is going to work depending on the genetic lottery. I meet with a lot of Native Japanese regularly, here in the States, so I know a lot of their kids. (Normally, it's Japanese Wife / American Husband situation) One of boys looks almost exactly like his father, and you wouldn't have a clue he's 1/2 Japanese. In another case, the two boys would probably be mistaken more for Hispanic than Japanese because they have their father's large shoulders but darker skin. Though it's really the diet that changes things more than people expect. Growing up with a Japanese diet, it's likely your child won't be noticeably non-Japanese. Or they could have a completely different eye color and utterly stand out.
Lastly, just some general tips. Japan is still very much a Cash-based country. Don't expect Credit to be easily had (especially while a non-established non-Japanese), and even if you do have a Credit Card, it isn't accepted everywhere. So you really want to spend the time while you're still working getting rid of your debt and storing up as much Savings as possible. You're going to need it.
If you have more specific questions, I'm sure the TLers living in Japan can probably address those better. Good luck & godspeed.
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oh thank you so much for the sites! learning Japanese is definitely the first thing i want to do. i have no idea how i would go though life there with out knowing the language.
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On August 18 2015 04:53 iseefor wrote:Show nested quote +On August 17 2015 22:54 Cambium wrote: This is interesting, and I'd like to know a few more things about the situation to make more comments. I applaud you for doing the right thing though.
=== Where in Japan exactly?
Japan is a pretty big place, and each part is very different. Since you are a foreigner, being in a large city will be much easier than a smaller town. I currently live in Shibuya Tokyo, and the place overall is very international, with lots of foreigners, and establishments catering to or at least aware of the expat community. Even within Tokyo, some wards are much more domestic.
=== What's your ethnicity?
Your life will be generally much easier if you are white; if you are Asian, that's pretty good too, and particularly good for your kid (I'll get to this point a bit later).
People in Japan cut foreigners a lot of slack, and mostly helpful, this is especially true if you are white. Caucasians still stand out, and people will stare, even in Tokyo, where there are foreigners in every corner, on every train. My friends who've settled here, and raised families here, tell me that it gets annoying after many years, because they always stand out, and people always treat them like tourists even though they've lived here for tens of years and speak the language very well. I'm Chinese-Canadian, and one benefit of being oriental Asian is that you can blend in and pretend to be Japanese if you want to, and this is helpful. When I go out with said friends, waiters and waitresses always only talk to me without fail, and will continue to do so even after they demonstrate that they in fact speak better Japanese than I do. Things like this could get annoying, if you truly want to live here.
If you are not Asian and not Caucasian, you might experience a bit more blatant racism, but it won't be too bad.
This race issue goes on to your child as well. If your child looks different, he/she might experience some prejudice growing up in public schools. I have a lot of mixed friends, and their experiences with the Japanese public education system have generally been poor. Keep in mind this was 10-15 years ago, things do get better every year, and especially in large metros. Smaller cities are likely worse.
=== Do you have an education?
I don't know what you plan on doing in Japan, but getting a job that's not teaching English might not be very easy.
=== Random things about Tokyo:
I've been living in Tokyo for nearly 5 years now, and overall, it's a really easy place to live in. Even with a normal exchange rate of 100:1 (as opposed to 120 or 125), things in Tokyo are much cheaper than New York. 1000 yen goes much further here than $10 in NY would. I've spent most of my adult life here, and I honestly think it's one of the nicest and more comfortable cities to live in, but you need to be more a like local and live outside of the expat bubble.
TLDR: As a Chinese-Canadian, I really enjoy my life in Tokyo.
where in Japan? Itabashi, Tokyo. do you know if this is a ok part of town? i will be living with my soon-to-be-wife's family. What's your ethnicity? i am white. i have heard some stuff about being white in Japan and i don't think it would bother me much, but i do really worry about my kid growing up as half white.. Do you have an education? i don't. iv'e been working in security at the federal level so my plan is to try to work at the embassy or something relating to USA. i have a very high clearance and i hope to fall on that i have heard things outside of rent and owning a car are rather inexpensive but that's all word of mouth. i still haven't been so i don't know. thank you so much for the help!
Okay, let me see if I can offer pieces of information, given your responses.
You're in the Northside of Tokyo, right up against Saitama. That should make finding work easier than some outlying area. But if you have security clearance, while the Embassy is a good place to start, you probably should be looking for civilian contractors at the Naval Station in Yokosuka, south of Yokohama. This is one of the USA's largest naval bases, and it's really quite close. Depending on what your other skills are, there might be more job types open for you than you expect. I would also ask anyone that you know in the field if they know the contractors working out of Japan. Contacts can be so important for trying to find a job without knowing Japanese. But you really need to know who to talk to, so get started on that ASAP.
Cars and Japan: first thing, you'll want an International Driving Permit. http://www.aaa.com/Vacation/idpf.html It should be good for a full year in Japan. Second thing, depending where you are, you probably don't need a car. Actually, in most of Japan, you don't need a car. They have probably the world's best public transport system (in the Major cities), and most of the society is built around being able to walk to the store. Trips to Costco are utterly foreign to the Japanese.
Next, the Japanese Domestic Market (JDM) is really strange for cars. Basically, there are fairly high car registration & inspection fees. For a new car, the registration lasts 3 years; 2 for a used car. (If I remember right, it's about $1000 USD for renewal) This does a few things. Firstly, it causes a lot of selling of used cars. A well-off family "buying" a new car every 2 years is very common. The Japanese really don't attach themselves to cars in the way Americans do. The second thing is that there is a massive export market of used Japanese cars to SE Asia. So cars in Japan, while relatively cheaper than outside of Japan, also hold their value pretty well. Thus, flipping cars every other year, which would murder your checkbook in the States, really doesn't cost that much in Japan. So any car that sits for very long will be exported out of the country rather quickly.
Though, be warned. The Japanese love white cars. This isn't a joke and the first time you see a car dealer with half white cars, you'll wonder what the heck is going on. (It's partially about resale values and partially about the Japanese just like white cars.) I brought this subject up with one of my Japanese friends, and he really wasn't quite sure why but did mention it's quite true.
Oh, and Japanese Postal Addresses are a nightmare. Just accept there's not a huge amount of logic to addresses. Though I highly recommend using Google Street View to get accustomed to the area that you'll be living. Most of Tokyo is quite well mapped, so it's a really easy trick to get situation to where things are without being there yet.
One thing on your child that I forgot to mention in the first response. There are two education options that you might think about. The first is parochial schools. There are a bunch of small, private Christian schools around Japan. They're based off the American Private Christian school model, so it's going to be the closest to the American education model. If you have any thoughts about returning to the States, it's probably not a bad idea to think about it. There's also some American Schools around Tokyo, which are straight up American schools for English speaking works in Japan. (Though they aren't cheap) The other options, since your child will be a dual citizen, is homeschooling. Though that's a topic that always causes some people heartburn, so it's something to be looked into in the future.
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I will add to the point about driving. After you're in Japan for six months or a year, you should take a trip to the DMV to get a Japanese driver's license. You "transfer" your American driver's license to Japanese, but you still have to take the test. Japanese DMV isn't as brutal as those in America but it's not efficient and you should brace for a wait time of 3 hours (i.e. bring a book).
The written test is no problem, it's pretty much "is it a good idea to drink and drive? yes/no" easy. But then you should invest in a driving lesson for the test. They'll take you to a place that literally mirrors the test course and let you practice various things. Americans tend to be pretty good drivers according to my instructor (contrasted with people from non-driving cultures or places with loose rules such as China or India), but it is a mental shift to drive left-handed. You'll probably turn on the windshield wipers instead of the turn signal several times before you figure it out. The hard part is the crank turn, which is two tight 90-degree turns in a row (tetris shape) and the tight S-curve. In both cases, hitting the curb or the simulated wall is an instant fail, but you can go as slowly as you need and you're allowed to reverse if you need. If you drive stick, then you'll also need practice doing it left-handed. Stalling out is an auto-fail. I will tell you personally that it is also a difficult transition to watch for street signs on the left instead of the right. I actually failed the driving test the first time because there was a T-intersection with a stop sign but I looked to the right corner and didn't see a stop sign so I blew right through it, which is an instant fail for a major traffic violation.
I've noticed that Japanese cars in Japan are inferior to those in the US. I have a Honda Fit and it doesn't have the build quality or the tight feeling that I expect out of Hondas in the US. If you can practice any skill, practice parking because Japanese spots are MUCH tighter than anything in America and the norm is to reverse into their spots. Japanese are excellent at parking.
As for actual driving experience, the biggest difference to me is that truck drivers are allowed to drive at any time of the day and they are usually driven by young men. This means you'll see lots of trucks even in rush hour commutes and truck drivers are way more aggressive, i.e. they don't like being overtaken and they will tailgate cars that cut them off.
And yeah, Japanese postal addresses don't make any sense to Americans with a square grid mentality about city planning. They use navigation by landmark rather than using streets and numbers, which has its own logical appeal but it is part of their different mentality. But you should load up with a smartphone quickly and then Google maps makes things pretty easy.
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