My dad just died in his sleep .. and i have never felt as old as i do now glhf tl:
So is this a forum? is this not rather a wall to type on until the fingers bleed? yes that sounds about right! so here i go:
Life has milestones/pitfalls .. places and times that are pretty much always the same for everyone, the orders are initially mixed by the waiter but while no one notices it at first, it becomes crystal clear when you have had more than half of your count before you check out yourself...
i've seen my life since i was very young..+ Show Spoiler + i could also call it fast forwarding my life , as some people know how to + Show Spoiler + and others that don't know how to or maybe others that are not even fully aware of just how much they are in the dark about all of it !? . It all came from my desire to think of every potential outcome when thinking about anything, anyone. My dad had a double life and it made me into what the "Lie to me" tv series refers to as a natural. What is a natural: + Show Spoiler +well to put it quite simply it is first someone who's had to deal with lies and trust issues from a very young age and second has developed a "locked on people lying" method/incarnation against/for people around that someone, in a nutshell someone who has lived and possibly will always live filtering everything that happens in his/her life through "lies", what is genuine word/action or fake feeling or fake laughter etc, what to do in case people lie and you see it etc etc. In short i'm a natural, i see lies from people i know when they do them and i also lie really well.. in my case i try never to lie, but that doesn't help being good at it! helps not one bit! Was i like this because my dad triggered it in me? Was i always going to be like this and i just "got" him first? Don't we all live separate lives simultaneously? i care not about unanswered fantasies/queries i have left since he left.. there are degrees of interests in life and i'm not that interested... When you know what you need to know from 4 years old to 42.. you know it will be worse the second time around, when the reality will knock you out a second time around, because the first time you had theorized it with facts (lies caught, evidence uncovered etc) and it hurt! ..and the second time you get a validation of your prediction, more sordid or less depending on the original state of mind that was then while this is now and it hurts again.
i've never seen other people and simultaneously passed a definite judgement on them, because i always reject stuff to cure this affliction i have (to overthink stuff) on the basis that i don't want to have these "first impressions last" because things are never under our hold, things are elusive and without focus you could read wrong and ruin whatever etc..., i don't do this with anyone.. don't do this with this forum, with my deceased dad.. with everyone. You always want to counter your affliction if it is going to serve ulterior motives you believe in (like the right to privacy and kinkiness as opposed to having to deal with outright illegal/amoral stuff that you have to invade privacy for).
Right now i keep going back to thinking of myself when i started watching the 6 feet under tv series and how much i had to actively stop myself from imagining by that time almost crystallizing what my read of my life and others around me would be.. validation after validation.. read after read being right and often (since i had a hand in it i'll just say that i helped my ulcer possibly but nothing life affirming enough to justify me being proud of ..) going on as a a robot .. a f cken bot going through motions like i knew i would.. small variability, comedy humor or extra blade in the heart to add to all the future remembrance of the present ... It all started when i was too old for the potty. The idea is simple and has always served me right, you think the worst of people and the best. You have to imagine the most horrible on one end and the best ever impossible good in people and paint them as a an artist tries to work while you experience their presence (through talk sure, but it could be more or less, an eye bat, a symphony .. whatever communication ensues is a valid communication "line" that you from then on add to. Conversations is the term hyped these days. Applying this method, you experience people's guts and emotion and they hate or love you for it. So i quickly fell in love with people and out of love forever. Not that i ever knew i was doing it at the time mind you. At the time my dad had given me all a kid ever needs, presence. The trust thing was never going to be part of my vocabulary ..ever, for anyone or anything (for f ck's sake i don't even trust gravity!) but the ideas, the thoughts that came from early realizations are just as valid as a heritage or a lesson taught.. no? i happen to think so.
i am more in tune with myself now than i was 38 years ago, of course! But does that not mean little when you are checking the data stored and archived that goes with it, those amounts of data change the things stored themselves empirically and furthermore you go through the re re-validation process once more even though what was thought out initially (or imagined initially) seems so distant in the past that i have to start treating it as "theory"?
When i was less young, i repressed stuff from my childhood and i made a fun life for myself.. i used the natural toolset as little as i could but always suffering worse and worse blows from the always coming validations. You know you were right then (which does nothing to insure that what you think now is any good) and you did this or that .. you did damage control here and super over there.. u do your bid in other people's lives. you want those people in your life and hate them for the mistakes or decisions etc all in one flow going forward... Now i can choose.. to play the detective or play the buddha .. but can i really? Did i not choose this all those years ago? Again, was it a choice or just genetics/fate.
i have the answers within me.. but after 35+ years i'm not sure i want those answers to come from me. i admit candidly i want it to come from my kids, my wife, friends.. i want their voices to validate or invalidate stuff that i have known would happen for decades much more than i ever did before, and furthermore i want them to bring it up .. to initiate the data feed.. and when i see myself thinking this .. typing it: i know that what i am thinking means i am old, that this is a clear sign that my journey is on its vantage point.. i will never again have a better view of my life from within and from without, returning to my past to projecting myself into my future... All downhill from here was my motto when i realized that i was what i am.. of course that is when i repressed and went on an hermit trail to see if i would survive i guess? .. i stopped wanting to know or understand, i quit my job as an agent of order and peace through love and understanding.. not unlike my dad i went to town trying to destroy myself through adventures.. most of which i was thankful that he made me fear it before i lived it "for real" myself. Your brain only allows you to know what you want to know is what "specialists" explain/agree on. That is very little compared to what is to be said about how we broadly understand concepts such as repression or denial.. life or brains are like a house made of many different types of materials, some are core things that shape our lives and some people spend their whole life identifying pillars that shape them, others do the memento bit and know the ending before it starts.. and all the people in between get all the available expansion sets that may allow them to jump from one to the next.. or run away from it all etc
Choice is to be examined, done .. and then ignored or else! Such is the nature of my grief?
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