There's a reason to this post. You will think you know it but you don't. If you make it to the end and want to know the real reason I'll tell you.
Holes punched in the wall.
Dreams / goals
Misery loves company
Sums of mistakes
Silence became symphony.
Never meant to break your heart, never meant to let you down.
Tiding wave / avalanche
Calling my name
Pullin me under the water
Watching life as a spectator.
Trees are a beautiful suicide tool.
Dead don't hurt
Losing myself in a forest.
Neuro chemical imbalance
Cant prepare the future when the present is death.
Not a good human.
Aint reliable, aint desirable
No interests besides wanting no pain.
So smart he stupid?
The pain has no source.
Make threats I will never fulfill.
How many times have I hurt you?
How many times have I been on my knees inside unknown to you?
Ashley, Nicole, Sarah.
I was raised better.
A fucking embarrassment.
I'm not the man I should be. Not the man I could be. Not a man.
The thoughts of suicide are so intrusive I can't think of anything else. Sometimes I cant even move and feel physically ill.
I'm scared. Not of dying. But of your reaction. Of misguided blame/attribution. Of finger pointing. I kinda hope that ghost/curses are a thing because if anyone blames someone other than me I will torment you lol. I want to do all that I can for that not to happen, its what occupies me the most and the only thing delaying me. I fear SO MUCH not being able to convince you all that it's nobody's fault but my own. That it's a rational decision. That I have weighted the pros & cons for years. And that the only con I've found is pretty much this. It's so fucked up but I even had the passing thought of killing other people with me so that they won't suffer the consequences of my suicide. I've always had an interest in psychiatry but I would have never thought I'd ever understand, on a personal and non-theoretical level how fathers, brothers, and sons could commit family murder-suicides. But I do. It's interesting. I never thought of going out shooting up a crows but I do see the appeal of letting a semi-auto rip as your last action. Feeling the recoil and kick of every shot fired throughout your body, controlling it.. And then, nothing. It's strangely appealing. I'd never do it though. Would create an even sicker and disgusting aftermath for my family.
I'm so scared of the aftermath that I'd leave behind from just a 'normal' suicide. In a twisted way that fear pains me, like it pulls me down further.
'Normal' suicide. I do see it as a normal thing to do. A natural outcome of bad decision making. I understand that my psyche might be influenced by other forces and neuro-chemicals and that would alter my thinking, discrediting the concept of a rational suicide. If I'm aware of it, if I'm aware that my thinking is corrupted and factor that in my decision making does it make the outcome rational? Probably not. The argument for saying it cant be rational I would think would be that it cannot be rational because the forces leading to choose suicide are not. It could be said that the pain I feel is something abnormal resulting from a chemical imbalance or a distorted perception of self. That the feeling of someone incessantly tugging down on my shirt pulling me under the water is manageable and can be made to stop. I definitely am aware of that. But if you're reading this I still chose suicide over attempting to help myself. Why? Very interesting.
One of the reasons why is that my concept of time might be off. I am quite convinced that it's too late. Too late to make the necessary changes, and have them 'kick in'. Even if I could somehow take back the last year, all of the accumulated debts, bad credit, shame.. Even if I could get out of the negative and be at 0 so to speak, it still most likely is too late for me to achieve what I see as a life worth living.
I have nothing going on for me and never did besides my actions. What I mean by that is that the only thing that defines me is my career or lack thereof. I have never loved, nor been loved by anyone other than family. I've never derived happiness nor comfort from social interactions which lead to not having friends. I do have people I can talk to online but I do feel like I care a lot more about them than they care about me. Not blaming anyone. People go about their day, people are busy, they got shit going on. Friends, lovers, careers, those things occupy a mind as well as time. I don't have those so I have more time and mind to care for these people and in a way to wish for their affection and care. But again, I do understand that it's not their role to provide that to me. That's kind of a recent thing though, me caring for my online friends. in the past, as a kid, I used to discard people completely, even what you'd normally consider friends. They were friends with me but I wasn't friends with them if that makes sense. That's actually not really an issue, I prefer to be alone, don't need friends. I would have liked to experience love though. Kind of scared of relationships though given what I said previously about murder-suicide I think you might understand. Point of this is that I have nothing and the things I strive for I will never have. I feel like I don't ask for much; a Patek, and a Benz that's it. If I can't even get that, what's the point?
On another line of thought the fact that I'm writing this hoping to be somewhat useful to someone somewhere interested in the psychology or rationale of a suicide kind of indicates I might have a delusion of grandeur of some sort. I've often been told that I see myself as better than everyone else, though always by the same person. I don't really think that's the case but it's a possibility. If I really have that, would I be conscious of it? Probably not. I would assume it would be a sub-conscious thing. I don't know. Anyways, maybe someone will find this interesting, I know I've always did.
Though I do and will continue to try and convince you that I took a decision I believe to be correct, and 'O.K.' I'm not advocating suicide. Another contradiction? Perhaps. I deeply and sincerely wish for my family to accept my decision. And I hope that they will understand it was something I did think of a lot beforehand and that I decided to go with a peaceful and calm mind. As calm as possible. My last moments were not of regrets but of relief. And fear, unfortunately that's something I can't deny. Not the fear of dying or after-life, nor of the physical pain, but the fear of attribution and blame I spoke of previously. I'm just as much scared of family members personally blaming themselves, as well as blaming others. The thought of that fucking ravages, enrages, saddens, and deeply disturb me. Don't do so, please. I don't know how to better communicate this but please, take it as my last wish, do not EVER blame yourself nor anyone other than me. Please. If I could even stop you from even entertaining the thought I would. I would with all the energy that I have remaining. But I can't. I know it will be something you will think of.. What could have I done to prevent this from happening? What have I done wrong? How much responsibility do I bare? The answers are nothing, nothing, and none at all. Please please please believe me. It hurts me so much to think you might not believe me. I cant explain the pain, I'm trying not to scream and stay calm. I can't. This really is the only thing delaying me and the only thing making my death difficult. If you weren't there to read this, if I didn't have you to think of I would have been long gone and it would have been such a peaceful and welcomed departure.
My fantasy is that I will go to the bank someday and that someone will happen to rob it at gun point. Realistically, on the moment I know I would be scared. But I fantasize that somehow someway such an event would lead to my death. Not going out as a suicide but as a hero. It's pretty sad that it's the one thing that would make me the happiest. Just thinking about it. Wishing to go out on the ceramic floor by the teller, a bullet in my chest. It's very appealing. I'd be so peaceful closing my eyes thinking that I finally managed to do one good thing. And that I got what I wanted, without the only negative that a suicide would bring to my family. Those last moments I think would feel incredible. I know however that I'm thinking so as a fantasy, and that if it was to really happen I would probably beg for my life and hope to be saved. There's so much contradictions in my thinking. And I'm here trying to convince you I somewhat rationally chose to kill myself despite contradicting myself again and again and mentioning how much I'm scared of what will happen to the ones I love after my passing. I'm fucking insane. Or maybe those contradictions are the last signs of sanity within me. Maybe when they'll go so will I? But as long as they stay so will I? We'll see. No matter the outcome though, if I did end it for myself, I ask with my most sincere and deepest hopes that you will respect my last wish and not blame yourself nor anyone else for my decision.
I think this is a good conclusion to end on for now at least.
One more thing (and another contradiction) I've been given a clean bill of mental health by a psychiatrist I saw twice. I fail to understand how that can be possible.. My understanding of psychology is quite low, and he's a PhD so he knows better than I do. But something didn't sit right with me when he said I was fine and just needed therapy. My thinking just feels so wrong. Too 'wrong' to be normal. It affects everything.. Finances, politics, social interactions, etc. I don't think I'm healthy. I feel so ill equipped to deal with damn near everything. Like I'm half a person, don't have the courage, motivation, interests, ambition, strength, or life force that a normal person would have. Everything I've ever attempted I've failed. I've put myself in multiple different situations where I would be competing against others, and I've never managed to come out on top. Feels like I'm carrying some sort of baggage behind me that's making it more difficult to accomplish any tasks. I've been awake for 4 maybe 5 nights now I don't even know what day it is, haven't eaten in two days, haven't showered in two weeks. It's hell.