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I have been married for almost 10 years now. Have 2 beautiful kids that I am in love with. My wife and I are both working hard to provide everything for our family, we rarely go out, almost never, but we get along. I am just going to say what happened 2 days ago which was the reason for a big fight to occur.
My wife went to Madrid,Spain for a business trip from Thursday till Saturday. On friday our daughter has to go to ballet lessons but I happened to have a surgery that day and I couldnt make it in time so her mother offered on thursday night that if I wasnt able to make it on time on friday she would take my daughter to that ballet class. So now comes saturday, wife returns from her business trip, all she keeps asking me about is what surgery I had, why it took so many hours, with which doctor I was with and things like that. I didnt really mind and gave her answers but inside me I was like why the hell is she suddently asking all these questions. anyway in the morning we all go to a playground for the kids and us to drink a coffee and relax and talk. After that finishes we start getting home, again something about my surgery comes up and im telling her the exact time I finished. So my surgery was from 8 in the morning till 16:00 and the ballet class was on 16:30. So she is like, if you finished at 16:00 why didnt you take our daughter to the ballet class. I was like, because I wouldnt make it in time and also I was very tired and hungry at that time so I thought it was best for your mom to take her. So she starts telling me I dont care about our children that I only care about myself etc. So we get home and she gets a 2hour sleep with our son and my daughter goes upstairs to my inlaws, I go outside the house because there has been a massive car accident so I go to check on it. After 2 hours I return, so my wife suddently tells me about a chair I brought from my parents house that Ive put to sit on the desk I have my laptop where at nights I can relax, play video games or whatever I wanna do. So we get into a really big fight about that particular chair and that she wants it out of the house and if I wanna use a chair I should take one from our living room or my daughter's chair, and I tell her no, these are uncomfortable I like this chair and this chair will stay here no matter what, so she tells me if I dont take back the chair she will either throw it in the garbage and that at night time she will turn off the internet to make me angry and that she doesnt care at all what I want. So I tell her I cant stand her controlling behavior and that this is not normal anymore to be asking this. And then she tells me if you dont like it go stay at your parents house because this is my house and I dont want you here if u like that chair. So I packed my things and left with the chair and now im living at my parents house. This happened on saturday.
PS: before she left for madrid she was telling me how good everything is between us and how happy she is, she even sent me a text from madrid saying she misses me alot and that we should go out the two of us one night. I really do not know what to say. Im sick of being controlled , im a grown up man and I would like to make decisions on my own. If it werent for our kids I would have taken a divorce seriously coz enough with all this BS.
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Three thoughts/questions:
Has she ever reacted like that before? As in, has she seemingly flipped between happy and angry/combative without warning?
Is there any chance that you are ignoring or avoiding other stuff that might have played a role in bringing this sequence of events about?
In the event that she has not acted like this before, my gut tells me that there is something else going on, either in her life or with regards to your marriage generally speaking. Is there any question of if the two of you are faithful to one another?
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Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce.
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Northern Ireland20838 Posts
Is this a typical thing? I had an ex who would occasionally freak out like that, but for the most part it was fine. If it was a continual pattern of behaviour I don’t think I could have tolerated it, but it was both rare and also explicable by a mental health problem she had.
There would be a big difference in my position/advice from there depending on if she’s this controlling all the time, or if she has occasional bizarre outbursts like you outlined.
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On September 30 2019 03:01 Starlightsun wrote: Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce.
History wise, years ago we went to a counselor and I moved my gaming PC to my parents house so I wont play alot of hours or in front of the kids which was fine by me. so the counselor said to my wife that she cant make me do whatever she wants, so we agreed when the kids fall asleep at night I can sit on said PC. Since I started my own business I now have a new laptop I had to buy and I can play games on it and she flipped out about it. Bottom line is , im sick being controlled by my wife and do whatever she wants. I am not her toy. And everytime I try to discuss with her things she just ignores everything.
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On September 30 2019 02:59 farvacola wrote: Three thoughts/questions:
Has she ever reacted like that before? As in, has she seemingly flipped between happy and angry/combative without warning?
Is there any chance that you are ignoring or avoiding other stuff that might have played a role in bringing this sequence of events about?
In the event that she has not acted like this before, my gut tells me that there is something else going on, either in her life or with regards to your marriage generally speaking. Is there any question of if the two of you are faithful to one another?
First question. Yes she has.
Avoiding sitting with her at nights watching what she likes to watch on the TV and sitting on my laptop which is agreed on beforehand.
We are faithful to one other, at least I can talk about myself, I dont know if she has found someone else....
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Northern Ireland20838 Posts
On September 30 2019 04:04 ffswowsucks wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 03:01 Starlightsun wrote: Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce. History wise, years ago we went to a counselor and I moved my gaming PC to my parents house so I wont play alot of hours or in front of the kids which was fine by me. so the counselor said to my wife that she cant make me do whatever she wants, so we agreed when the kids fall asleep at night I can sit on said PC. Since I started my own business I now have a new laptop I had to buy and I can play games on it and she flipped out about it. Bottom line is , im sick being controlled by my wife and do whatever she wants. I am not her toy. And everytime I try to discuss with her things she just ignores everything. Did she make any compromises after seeing the counsellor or was it just you cutting down on your hobby?
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On September 30 2019 04:09 Wombat_NI wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 04:04 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 03:01 Starlightsun wrote: Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce. History wise, years ago we went to a counselor and I moved my gaming PC to my parents house so I wont play alot of hours or in front of the kids which was fine by me. so the counselor said to my wife that she cant make me do whatever she wants, so we agreed when the kids fall asleep at night I can sit on said PC. Since I started my own business I now have a new laptop I had to buy and I can play games on it and she flipped out about it. Bottom line is , im sick being controlled by my wife and do whatever she wants. I am not her toy. And everytime I try to discuss with her things she just ignores everything. Did she make any compromises after seeing the counsellor or was it just you cutting down on your hobby?
Me cutting down on my hobby. I was a long time PC-gamer as she would call me, but I decided to quit everything for her and the kids. I mean she had a point. If my kids watch me play video games in the future they will want to play as well (altho I have my objections to this way of thinking). My wife doesnt give 2 shits about me or what I want, she only wants to do whats "best" for her kids. Also another thing I d like to point out is that my wife is really really close with her parents. They were immigrants in my country years ago and they are very secretive and each night she would go upstairs to talk with them for 1 hour or something, I mean that really pisses me off as well because she is working at her parents company so she is seeing them and talking with them every day in the morning. im just sick of it, really. ever since I married her its like I also married her parents. She can t make decisions on her own, she always has to discuss with them before doing something. Also I forgot to mention, I told her that I wanted to bring that chair and at first she was like "yeah ok lets discuss this when I get home". I took the initiative and brought the chair at our house anyway. I mean that whole chair thing is pissing me off the more I think of it. in a normal family if a husband goes out and buys a chair he likes (there are some really nice gaming chairs right now out in the market) was he gonna get all this BS from his wife and if YES would he tolerate all this? How much more do I have to back down from things I like......... this is seriously hurting my mental health, I also need to be happy in my life and not be controlled by my wife for the sake of our kids.
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Northern Ireland20838 Posts
On September 30 2019 04:19 ffswowsucks wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 04:09 Wombat_NI wrote:On September 30 2019 04:04 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 03:01 Starlightsun wrote: Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce. History wise, years ago we went to a counselor and I moved my gaming PC to my parents house so I wont play alot of hours or in front of the kids which was fine by me. so the counselor said to my wife that she cant make me do whatever she wants, so we agreed when the kids fall asleep at night I can sit on said PC. Since I started my own business I now have a new laptop I had to buy and I can play games on it and she flipped out about it. Bottom line is , im sick being controlled by my wife and do whatever she wants. I am not her toy. And everytime I try to discuss with her things she just ignores everything. Did she make any compromises after seeing the counsellor or was it just you cutting down on your hobby? Me cutting down on my hobby. I was a long time PC-gamer as she would call me, but I decided to quit everything for her and the kids. I mean she had a point. If my kids watch me play video games in the future they will want to play as well (altho I have my objections to this way of thinking). My wife doesnt give 2 shits about me or what I want, she only wants to do whats "best" for her kids. Also another thing I d like to point out is that my wife is really really close with her parents. They were immigrants in my country years ago and they are very secretive and each night she would go upstairs to talk with them for 1 hour or something, I mean that really pisses me off as well because she is working at her parents company so she is seeing them and talking with them every day in the morning. im just sick of it, really. ever since I married her its like I also married her parents. She can t make decisions on her own, she always has to discuss with them before doing something. Also I forgot to mention, I told her that I wanted to bring that chair and at first she was like "yeah ok lets discuss this when I get home". I took the initiative and brought the chair at our house anyway. I mean that whole chair thing is pissing me off the more I think of it. in a normal family if a husband goes out and buys a chair he likes (there are some really nice gaming chairs right now out in the market) was he gonna get all this BS from his wife and if YES would he tolerate all this? How much more do I have to back down from things I like......... this is seriously hurting my mental health, I also need to be happy in my life and not be controlled by my wife for the sake of our kids. Moderated gaming isn’t even detrimental to development, if anything it can be beneficial.
My ex likes that my kid plays games with me precisely because I’ve been playing them for 23 years now and can moderate his use better than anyone else she knows, and actively play with him. His reading has got a lot better since I snuck it in by buying Pokemon Let’s Go and forcing him to try and read the text boxes for example.
It sounds like you’d prefer to resolve these issues but are struggling for a way to have a real honest discussion with your wife, which is totally understandable. It’s extremely difficult to tell someone the things that drive you crazy about them, and counselling is only as good as each participants willingness to engage.
Did you explore your feelings on these matters in counselling at all?
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On September 30 2019 04:33 Wombat_NI wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 04:19 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 04:09 Wombat_NI wrote:On September 30 2019 04:04 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 03:01 Starlightsun wrote: Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce. History wise, years ago we went to a counselor and I moved my gaming PC to my parents house so I wont play alot of hours or in front of the kids which was fine by me. so the counselor said to my wife that she cant make me do whatever she wants, so we agreed when the kids fall asleep at night I can sit on said PC. Since I started my own business I now have a new laptop I had to buy and I can play games on it and she flipped out about it. Bottom line is , im sick being controlled by my wife and do whatever she wants. I am not her toy. And everytime I try to discuss with her things she just ignores everything. Did she make any compromises after seeing the counsellor or was it just you cutting down on your hobby? Me cutting down on my hobby. I was a long time PC-gamer as she would call me, but I decided to quit everything for her and the kids. I mean she had a point. If my kids watch me play video games in the future they will want to play as well (altho I have my objections to this way of thinking). My wife doesnt give 2 shits about me or what I want, she only wants to do whats "best" for her kids. Also another thing I d like to point out is that my wife is really really close with her parents. They were immigrants in my country years ago and they are very secretive and each night she would go upstairs to talk with them for 1 hour or something, I mean that really pisses me off as well because she is working at her parents company so she is seeing them and talking with them every day in the morning. im just sick of it, really. ever since I married her its like I also married her parents. She can t make decisions on her own, she always has to discuss with them before doing something. Also I forgot to mention, I told her that I wanted to bring that chair and at first she was like "yeah ok lets discuss this when I get home". I took the initiative and brought the chair at our house anyway. I mean that whole chair thing is pissing me off the more I think of it. in a normal family if a husband goes out and buys a chair he likes (there are some really nice gaming chairs right now out in the market) was he gonna get all this BS from his wife and if YES would he tolerate all this? How much more do I have to back down from things I like......... this is seriously hurting my mental health, I also need to be happy in my life and not be controlled by my wife for the sake of our kids. Moderated gaming isn’t even detrimental to development, if anything it can be beneficial. My ex likes that my kid plays games with me precisely because I’ve been playing them for 23 years now and can moderate his use better than anyone else she knows, and actively play with him. His reading has got a lot better since I snuck it in by buying Pokemon Let’s Go and forcing him to try and read the text boxes for example. It sounds like you’d prefer to resolve these issues but are struggling for a way to have a real honest discussion with your wife, which is totally understandable. It’s extremely difficult to tell someone the things that drive you crazy about them, and counselling is only as good as each participants willingness to engage. Did you explore your feelings on these matters in counselling at all?
everyone thinks im addicted to gaming.
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to be honest your story is so full of specific personal details about specific conversations that i don't think anyone can give you proper advice. the advice you get from people is going to be tinted by their relationship experiences, which aren't always relevant to your relationship.
any time the issue is a long, back-and-forth series of tense misunderstandings and arguments the real solution is to get to the bottom of each other's feelings. if you care for your wife then make her feel safe telling you what's really going on in her mind. if she can't do this for you anymore then it may be time to move on.
it doesn't matter if she said something unreasonable, what matters is how hard you both want to try. force the conversation, it's the only way. if you can't communicate there's no relationship.
ps if "everyone thinks you're addicted to gaming" you should consider if maybe you are. addiction is hard to admit.
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On September 30 2019 09:19 brickrd wrote: to be honest your story is so full of specific personal details about specific conversations that i don't think anyone can give you proper advice. the advice you get from people is going to be tinted by their relationship experiences, which aren't always relevant to your relationship.
any time the issue is a long, back-and-forth series of tense misunderstandings and arguments the real solution is to get to the bottom of each other's feelings. if you care for your wife then make her feel safe telling you what's really going on in her mind. if she can't do this for you anymore then it may be time to move on.
it doesn't matter if she said something unreasonable, what matters is how hard you both want to try. force the conversation, it's the only way. if you can't communicate there's no relationship.
ps if "everyone thinks you're addicted to gaming" you should consider if maybe you are. addiction is hard to admit.
My wife's side of the story is this. By bringing this chair you are going to be more comfortable sitting there thus you can sit there more hours opposed to sitting in a chair that makes your back hurt. Now is that a valid reason for such a "either you take that chair back or you are out of the house". And playing only 3 4 hours a night and im not actually playing, listening music reading articles, does thst make me an addicted person? Also some nights I didnt even sit on my laptop and sat with my wife to watch tv to show her that when she isnt busting my balls and talks like a normal person i dont need it. Which reminded me to tell you that nowadays i find myself bored of most games i must do it from reaction to my wifes controlling behavior and because everytime we get to talk she just orders me to do something. For example, go help my parents with their luggage, go pick my dad from the airport, go buy milk, go fix something etc.
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Norway28273 Posts
My honest opinion;
3-4 hours of time for yourself every night when you have two kids (that I assume are at most 9 and prolly more like between 2 and 6 years old?) and a wife does not sound like a reasonable expectation. I definitely think it is important that you have some time for yourself to unwind, and I most certainly understand that you don't want to spend whatever leisure time you have watching whatever boring shows your wife likes to watch, but her expectation that you spend more of your leisure time together with her to me sounds totally fair. (However, there should be room for you suggesting something different from just watching tv, at the very least, you should have equal say in what you watch. )
This particular aspect, that you think you should still have this much time now that you are a parent, is arguably something you have to adjust about yourself, at least until your kids become teenagers and are much more self sufficient.
However, that's a separate issue from your wife seemingly being a terrible communicator, and perhaps the issue that the two of you just aren't very fond of each other anymore. The way you describe her makes it seem like either she is completely unreasonable as a person, or that you view her so negatively that you exaggerate her bad qualities to make her seem completely unreasonable. Neither of those two is good for a marriage, obviously. A big fight is not a reason to break up a 10 year relationship, but a constant feel of walking on eggshells, of not liking each other but merely coexisting for the benefit of your children, definitely can be.
Ultimately it's impossible for anyone here to really give you valid advice because we don't know enough about you, and certainly not enough about her, even if you describe her to the best of your ability. But my tentative suggestion would be something akin to have a good, long, calm conversation with your wife where you acknowledge that you have been spending too much time by yourself, where you suggest some common activities you can engage in that the both of you would enjoy, and where you have a period where you try to do this (cut your own gaming/computer time from 3-4 hours to 1-2 hours per day, perhaps have some longer occasional weekend bursts instead) and see if it improves how she communicates with you. To me it seems like you spending so much time by yourself is like a festering relationship-wound from her perspective, and that this influences her behavior towards you in a really negative way, making her seem entirely unreasonable, and that maybe if you spent somewhat less time, she would become a more positively inclined version of herself.
Also important to know how young your kids are tbh. Imo, you should consider the first ~5 years or so a kind of state of emergency where your own personal desires and priorities are secondary to that of the family unit as a whole.
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On September 30 2019 16:32 Liquid`Drone wrote: My honest opinion;
3-4 hours of time for yourself every night when you have two kids (that I assume are at most 9 and prolly more like between 2 and 6 years old?) and a wife does not sound like a reasonable expectation. I definitely think it is important that you have some time for yourself to unwind, and I most certainly understand that you don't want to spend whatever leisure time you have watching whatever boring shows your wife likes to watch, but her expectation that you spend more of your leisure time together with her to me sounds totally fair. (However, there should be room for you suggesting something different from just watching tv, at the very least, you should have equal say in what you watch. )
This particular aspect, that you think you should still have this much time now that you are a parent, is arguably something you have to adjust about yourself, at least until your kids become teenagers and are much more self sufficient.
However, that's a separate issue from your wife seemingly being a terrible communicator, and perhaps the issue that the two of you just aren't very fond of each other anymore. The way you describe her makes it seem like either she is completely unreasonable as a person, or that you view her so negatively that you exaggerate her bad qualities to make her seem completely unreasonable. Neither of those two is good for a marriage, obviously. A big fight is not a reason to break up a 10 year relationship, but a constant feel of walking on eggshells, of not liking each other but merely coexisting for the benefit of your children, definitely can be.
Ultimately it's impossible for anyone here to really give you valid advice because we don't know enough about you, and certainly not enough about her, even if you describe her to the best of your ability. But my tentative suggestion would be something akin to have a good, long, calm conversation with your wife where you acknowledge that you have been spending too much time by yourself, where you suggest some common activities you can engage in that the both of you would enjoy, and where you have a period where you try to do this (cut your own gaming/computer time from 3-4 hours to 1-2 hours per day, perhaps have some longer occasional weekend bursts instead) and see if it improves how she communicates with you. To me it seems like you spending so much time by yourself is like a festering relationship-wound from her perspective, and that this influences her behavior towards you in a really negative way, making her seem entirely unreasonable, and that maybe if you spent somewhat less time, she would become a more positively inclined version of herself.
Also important to know how young your kids are tbh. Imo, you should consider the first ~5 years or so a kind of state of emergency where your own personal desires and priorities are secondary to that of the family unit as a whole.
Thank you drone! Id like to mention that between 3 4 that I finish work till 8 i am spending my time with my kids and wife. To answer my kids age, my daughter just turned 6 and my son is 19months old. Also id like to mention that when my daughter was 2y old i also left the house for a long time and that really made my daughter different.(afraid of losing me etc). I am in a really tough spot at the moment. I wanna go back home honestly but if I go then i will be defeated as a man and my wife will just think she definately has control over me for anything.
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Norway28273 Posts
Ya, I understand that. I think being in a relationship that feels like a power struggle sounds terrible.
That you spend time with kids and wife between 3-4 and 8 is good, obviously. But the way it sounds to me, is that you spend time with kids between 3-4 and 8, that you do a good job as a father, and that you after that want to / have need for time for yourself. In a way, (and I'm not saying this to disparage, really), it reads almost a bit like you feel your 'family duties' end at 8 pm, after you've spent the rest of the day working and taking care of your family.
But your family does not end with your children, your wife might also have the need to spend some time with you without the kids around as well. I do think it's entirely fair that you do something more fun than 'watch stuff', and that if all she wants to do is 'watch stuff', and you don't have veto power in what to watch, you can actually do your own thing instead.
If the two of you cannot find a common activity that you will both enjoy spending 1-2 hours every other day or so on, that.. doesn't sound good.
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On September 30 2019 19:31 Liquid`Drone wrote: Ya, I understand that. I think being in a relationship that feels like a power struggle sounds terrible.
That you spend time with kids and wife between 3-4 and 8 is good, obviously. But the way it sounds to me, is that you spend time with kids between 3-4 and 8, that you do a good job as a father, and that you after that want to / have need for time for yourself. In a way, (and I'm not saying this to disparage, really), it reads almost a bit like you feel your 'family duties' end at 8 pm, after you've spent the rest of the day working and taking care of your family.
But your family does not end with your children, your wife might also have the need to spend some time with you without the kids around as well. I do think it's entirely fair that you do something more fun than 'watch stuff', and that if all she wants to do is 'watch stuff', and you don't have veto power in what to watch, you can actually do your own thing instead.
If the two of you cannot find a common activity that you will both enjoy spending 1-2 hours every other day or so on, that.. doesn't sound good.
I cant think of anything to do with her in house. If we were like any other couple that once in a while goes out and spend time with other couples then we would be great. but no. she doesnt want that because the nanny is too expensive she says for that.
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Northern Ireland20838 Posts
On September 30 2019 20:20 ffswowsucks wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 19:31 Liquid`Drone wrote: Ya, I understand that. I think being in a relationship that feels like a power struggle sounds terrible.
That you spend time with kids and wife between 3-4 and 8 is good, obviously. But the way it sounds to me, is that you spend time with kids between 3-4 and 8, that you do a good job as a father, and that you after that want to / have need for time for yourself. In a way, (and I'm not saying this to disparage, really), it reads almost a bit like you feel your 'family duties' end at 8 pm, after you've spent the rest of the day working and taking care of your family.
But your family does not end with your children, your wife might also have the need to spend some time with you without the kids around as well. I do think it's entirely fair that you do something more fun than 'watch stuff', and that if all she wants to do is 'watch stuff', and you don't have veto power in what to watch, you can actually do your own thing instead.
If the two of you cannot find a common activity that you will both enjoy spending 1-2 hours every other day or so on, that.. doesn't sound good. I cant think of anything to do with her in house. If we were like any other couple that once in a while goes out and spend time with other couples then we would be great. but no. she doesnt want that because the nanny is too expensive she says for that. What did you used to do together or did it always involve going out somewhere together?
Grandparents are free babysitters and often relish the chance to spend time with the kids anyway, would that be an option?
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On September 30 2019 21:38 Wombat_NI wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 20:20 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 19:31 Liquid`Drone wrote: Ya, I understand that. I think being in a relationship that feels like a power struggle sounds terrible.
That you spend time with kids and wife between 3-4 and 8 is good, obviously. But the way it sounds to me, is that you spend time with kids between 3-4 and 8, that you do a good job as a father, and that you after that want to / have need for time for yourself. In a way, (and I'm not saying this to disparage, really), it reads almost a bit like you feel your 'family duties' end at 8 pm, after you've spent the rest of the day working and taking care of your family.
But your family does not end with your children, your wife might also have the need to spend some time with you without the kids around as well. I do think it's entirely fair that you do something more fun than 'watch stuff', and that if all she wants to do is 'watch stuff', and you don't have veto power in what to watch, you can actually do your own thing instead.
If the two of you cannot find a common activity that you will both enjoy spending 1-2 hours every other day or so on, that.. doesn't sound good. I cant think of anything to do with her in house. If we were like any other couple that once in a while goes out and spend time with other couples then we would be great. but no. she doesnt want that because the nanny is too expensive she says for that. What did you used to do together or did it always involve going out somewhere together? Grandparents are free babysitters and often relish the chance to spend time with the kids anyway, would that be an option?
I just remembered something I want to mention. I have love for movies and going to the cinema. When we were dating we used to go alot, 9 years married she not even once went to the movies with me. She only went sometimes with our daughter. Grandparents spend time with the kids mostly with her parents when she first gave birth to our daughter she didnt want my parents to spend time with our daughter and that was the reason i left the house the first time. I told her either we divorce or u let my parents see our child. I mean who does that..... The reason I guess was because her parents with my parents got into an argument.
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Northern Ireland20838 Posts
On October 01 2019 00:03 ffswowsucks wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 21:38 Wombat_NI wrote:On September 30 2019 20:20 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 19:31 Liquid`Drone wrote: Ya, I understand that. I think being in a relationship that feels like a power struggle sounds terrible.
That you spend time with kids and wife between 3-4 and 8 is good, obviously. But the way it sounds to me, is that you spend time with kids between 3-4 and 8, that you do a good job as a father, and that you after that want to / have need for time for yourself. In a way, (and I'm not saying this to disparage, really), it reads almost a bit like you feel your 'family duties' end at 8 pm, after you've spent the rest of the day working and taking care of your family.
But your family does not end with your children, your wife might also have the need to spend some time with you without the kids around as well. I do think it's entirely fair that you do something more fun than 'watch stuff', and that if all she wants to do is 'watch stuff', and you don't have veto power in what to watch, you can actually do your own thing instead.
If the two of you cannot find a common activity that you will both enjoy spending 1-2 hours every other day or so on, that.. doesn't sound good. I cant think of anything to do with her in house. If we were like any other couple that once in a while goes out and spend time with other couples then we would be great. but no. she doesnt want that because the nanny is too expensive she says for that. What did you used to do together or did it always involve going out somewhere together? Grandparents are free babysitters and often relish the chance to spend time with the kids anyway, would that be an option? I just remembered something I want to mention. I have love for movies and going to the cinema. When we were dating we used to go alot, 9 years married she not even once went to the movies with me. She only went sometimes with our daughter. Grandparents spend time with the kids mostly with her parents when she first gave birth to our daughter she didnt want my parents to spend time with our daughter and that was the reason i left the house the first time. I told her either we divorce or u let my parents see our child. I mean who does that..... The reason I guess was because her parents with my parents got into an argument. It sounds a pretty bad situation all-round
Even reading your signature and seeing you have a film criticism blog, it’s obvious that you have a love of film as a hobby.
There just seems a serious lack of sensible compromise on her part (and maybe yours depending what you’ve suggested), case in point around your love of film.
If she wants to just sit and watch stuff and that’s her thing, surely could you not have a rotating home movie night where you get to pick a film, then she picks etc?
You could spend time together, you could get your fix of your hobby, but she gets a choice in what to watch too and it’s fitting in with what you both might like to do.
People are different and need different things. I know plenty of people who can work a 9-5 they don’t particularly like, come home and watch a program for a few hours, sleep, repeat that and be perfectly fine.
Personally I cannot, I need a bit of space for my hobbies and various projects to scratch that itch. Generally speaking my partners have all been sympathetic to that in the past and we’ve worked that into routines, partly because it’s kind of that aspect of me that drew them to me in the first place.
Provided it’s not to the detriment of other responsibilities, I don’t think it’s indulgent at all to do the things that keep you sane, because when I haven’t had the framework I end up miserable, bitter and no fun for my loved ones to be around.
It sounds to me that a few minor adjustments and you’d be a lot happier, but those adjustments seem extremely difficult to get in place due to various communication barriers, or possibly your wife’s reticence to implement them.
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so basically im screwed.
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It seems like you care. If she cares too, and I hope for you that she does, hopefully you can find a way to patch it up by seeing a councilor again.
As others have said, it's impossible for us here to tell you anything with any level of certainty, that's why you need a councilor to get to the root cause of the issue by talking to both people. So I can only speculate, and my speculation leads me to two or three things which may be happening.
Good: She's frustrated with how things are going, and it could be for a variety of reasons: Maybe the magic is gone, maybe she's bored with her activities and lashes out at you because she wants her life to be more exciting and consciously or subconsciously expects you to fix it, maybe years of gaming and possibly not paying attention to her or giving her what she desires left a bitter taste in her mouth about games and she's grown irrationally intolerant to your activities, but perhaps to some extent it's understandable because that was cultivated by previous relationship dynamics? In that case, a councilor may be able to open a line of communication, boundaries may be set, you'd be allowed to have your own little microcosm of freedom, and you guys would hopefully find new things to do together. Perhaps the root cause of the problem is based in a lack of communications, maybe she never explicitly told you what she wants - maybe she doesn't even really know that she wants more than to sit in front of a TV and needs to do some introspection too and hopefully share her findings with you.
Bad: She has a deeply ingrained dislike for gaming for personal/cultural and other reasons, and just is a controlling person, regardless of her previous experiences. Her tendency to control people is deeply psychological and cannot be fixed.
Bad but different: She's frustrated with how things are going for the same potential reasons as good, but has no motivation to find compromises.
Worst possible outcome: It's Germany's fault.
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Northern Ireland20838 Posts
On October 01 2019 01:20 ffswowsucks wrote:so basically im screwed. Not at all, it’s just difficult.
Bear in mind, I assume this is the case anyway, you’re probably venting stuff on this corner of the internet, under a pseudonym, possibly being more open or honest about your feelings than anywhere else because of that distance.
Which is useful for getting advice and validation of your feelings, precisely because we don’t know you or her, nor have any loyalties to either.
However the negative side of that is the same thing, we’re getting your feelings and frustrations, possibly ones you don’t vent elsewhere and so this is the outlet valve for some quite long-term frustrations. Also they’re yours, we don’t know your wife’s experiences re the same household situation.
So no, not hopeless at all, especially if I apply the lens that you’re being open mostly about your negative emotions. Djapz basically said what I think, but better than I would have.
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United Kingdom10443 Posts
You work hard and help provide for the family. You deserve time to yourself and to have things you want.
Speak to your partner about the money/time you are both contributing to the household (it should be equal) but let them know you need time to unwind, everyone does. You have kids and that has to come first, if your partner makes a reasonable request then you should consider it but trying to control every aspect of your life? Fuck that.
Kids and marriage make it hard to split from a relationship that is incompatible/turned sour
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Northern Ireland20838 Posts
On October 01 2019 17:57 KelsierSC wrote: You work hard and help provide for the family. You deserve time to yourself and to have things you want.
Speak to your partner about the money/time you are both contributing to the household (it should be equal) but let them know you need time to unwind, everyone does. You have kids and that has to come first, if your partner makes a reasonable request then you should consider it but trying to control every aspect of your life? Fuck that.
Kids and marriage make it hard to split from a relationship that is incompatible/turned sour
I wouldn’t bring up the money and whatnot, at least in that way.
It’s possible she already feels a bit unfulfilled and the domain of the household is her only real area that she can feel useful and thus she is overcontrolling because of this? Bringing up parity and what wages you’re bringing in or whatever would just feed those negative feelings potentially.
Was she like this before? Does she have a career comparable to before you had kids now, or a decent social life?
If she doesn’t to one or both of those then it’s possible she just feels very down about herself and is snapping at the person who is around and isn’t her children.
Also might explain why she’s still so close to her parents in the way you described if she doesn’t have other adults around to socialise with.
Not assuming anything, just trying to get a better picture of the other half of this equation and what might potentially be going on with her too.
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We don't have all the information but it sounds like something happened in Madrid that made her plan to split up with you to be honest. But she doesn't want to do it directly, so instead she made a fuss telling you to choose between the chair or to leave the house. Obviously she just wants you to leave the house. She doesn't actually care about the chair, but it's convenient. You have children and a house so it sucks.
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I sympathize with both you and your wife. You feel like you need time off after the kids are asleep to recharge your mental and emotional batteries. And the wife is equally, or more, in need it seems. And this hasn't been properly addressed, so now you are in a place where it has turned into a power struggle with ultimatums being made about things that should be trivial. You not only have your previous problem to cope with, but also an adversarial relationship where you are not communicating constructively.
What you should or shouldn't do is all about context. A relationship is a complicated thing and with 10 years of marriage there is likely to be a long history there, maybe some up and downs, maybe some give and take. And maybe there are expectations that have not come to pass for one or both of you. Maybe one or both of you feel like the other one is not doing enough.
You also now have kids, with all the work, both physical, mental and emotional cost that brings into play. Who has been tending to their needs and wants? Who has been doing all the planning and double checking that everything is in order there? How is work in the household distributed? Cleaning? Laundry? Cooking? Making sure there is butter in the fridge? Making sure the bills are paid? Planning extra activities?
It is also relevant what kind of jobs you guys have. If you bring home work or have work grinding away during your off-hours, that puts an extra strain on the person and on the relationship.
It sounds to me that the wife doesn't feel like things are fair at the moment. Maybe she is lonely and the only way she is able to express that is to hate the chair you talked about. You already had counciling where it was clear that the computer was an issue. And even though changes were made, were the changes great enough?
I suggest that you do what you can to fix your relationship and don't give up. Divorce is awful, much worse than you imagine, especially if you and the wife are not on good terms. I suggest you completely give up your recreational computer time, gaming, reading articles, listening to music by yourself for an extended period. I suggest you crawl on your knees to move back in. Spend your time with the wife and try to remember the good times. Talk to her with kind words without anger. And don't get too upset if she is still angry with you a while.
Eventually, if you are more helpful and more present, she might soften up. At that point, you can talk honestly about things. You can talk about needs and fairness. You can be on the same side and not on opposite sides. Maybe things will feel lighter and less stressful. Maybe you'll be reminded of why you guys married each other in the first place. And if it fails, at least you tried. It only cost you a couple months and did more good than if you sit in exile at your parents' house.
At that point you can reevaluate how you want to spend your time. One of the pitfalls of parenthood is to not make any adjustments. You need to prioritise what to do and what not to do. And some things can be done faster or in smarter ways, both when it comes to "fun" and "work". Some people throw away half their lives staring at facebook, for example.
Doing all these things is easier said than done. It has a cost. Just remember that you are in a bit of a crisis. Maybe my advice is not the best. You'll have to decide if it fits the context which you find yourself in. Good luck.
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United Kingdom10443 Posts
On October 03 2019 21:33 stenole wrote:
I suggest that you do what you can to fix your relationship and don't give up. Divorce is awful, much worse than you imagine, especially if you and the wife are not on good terms. I suggest you completely give up your recreational computer time, gaming, reading articles, listening to music by yourself for an extended period. I suggest you crawl on your knees to move back in. Spend your time with the wife and try to remember the good times. Talk to her with kind words without anger. And don't get too upset if she is still angry with you a while.
Eventually, if you are more helpful and more present, she might soften up. At that point, you can talk honestly about things. You can talk about needs and fairness. You can be on the same side and not on opposite sides. Maybe things will feel lighter and less stressful. Maybe you'll be reminded of why you guys married each other in the first place. And if it fails, at least you tried. It only cost you a couple months and did more good than if you sit in exile at your parents' house.
At that point you can reevaluate how you want to spend your time. One of the pitfalls of parenthood is to not make any adjustments. You need to prioritise what to do and what not to do. And some things can be done faster or in smarter ways, both when it comes to "fun" and "work". Some people throw away half their lives staring at facebook, for example.
Doing all these things is easier said than done. It has a cost. Just remember that you are in a bit of a crisis. Maybe my advice is not the best. You'll have to decide if it fits the context which you find yourself in. Good luck.
This is good advice if you want to give up your manhood and your dignity. Don't just do what ever women want , stand up for yourself. You will lose all her respect if you just roll over.
If she wants to have a reasonable discussion then go for it, but if she makes a request that you can't have any time to yourself and need to just work / take care of children then ,to be blunt, she can fuck off.
As others have stated it's difficult to give advice without full context so i'll give my final word that having no relationship is better than a bad relationship.
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Northern Ireland20838 Posts
On October 03 2019 21:42 KelsierSC wrote:Show nested quote +On October 03 2019 21:33 stenole wrote:
I suggest that you do what you can to fix your relationship and don't give up. Divorce is awful, much worse than you imagine, especially if you and the wife are not on good terms. I suggest you completely give up your recreational computer time, gaming, reading articles, listening to music by yourself for an extended period. I suggest you crawl on your knees to move back in. Spend your time with the wife and try to remember the good times. Talk to her with kind words without anger. And don't get too upset if she is still angry with you a while.
Eventually, if you are more helpful and more present, she might soften up. At that point, you can talk honestly about things. You can talk about needs and fairness. You can be on the same side and not on opposite sides. Maybe things will feel lighter and less stressful. Maybe you'll be reminded of why you guys married each other in the first place. And if it fails, at least you tried. It only cost you a couple months and did more good than if you sit in exile at your parents' house.
At that point you can reevaluate how you want to spend your time. One of the pitfalls of parenthood is to not make any adjustments. You need to prioritise what to do and what not to do. And some things can be done faster or in smarter ways, both when it comes to "fun" and "work". Some people throw away half their lives staring at facebook, for example.
Doing all these things is easier said than done. It has a cost. Just remember that you are in a bit of a crisis. Maybe my advice is not the best. You'll have to decide if it fits the context which you find yourself in. Good luck. This is good advice if you want to give up your manhood and your dignity. Don't just do what ever women want , stand up for yourself. You will lose all her respect if you just roll over. If she wants to have a reasonable discussion then go for it, but if she makes a request that you can't have any time to yourself and need to just work / take care of children then ,to be blunt, she can fuck off. As others have stated it's difficult to give advice without full context so i'll give my final word that having no relationship is better than a bad relationship. I would agree 100% with the last part, also on context.
Scenario A - She’s just unreasonably controlling because well, she just is like that.
Scenario B - She might be completely miserable for various reasons that even she isn’t aware of without some conversation and good counselling or whatever.
They’re such different scenarios with such different responses it’s difficult to give any kind of catch-all advice on it.
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There's a lot of different issues. But, the main thing I always ask is "what outcome do you want from all this?" and then obviously, "how do you get there?".
Do you want to get divorced? Because it sounds like that's the path you're on.
To answer specific questions I don't think it was reasonable she asked so much detailed info about the surgery. It sounds like this is part of a bigger issue where she doesn't feel like you're doing enough to help out around the house/raising the kids.
My in laws live with me currently and I don't like it, but they're very helpful and stay out of my way. I also don't share a language with them, which I find helpful. But, when my wife is talking to them and my kids are asleep or whatever, I use that time for gaming. So it kinda works out.
It sounds like you game a lot. I get it, I like to game. But, you need to put your priorities straight. No matter how much you like gaming, you've got to admit your wife and your kids are more important. You need to make sure your actions are reflecting that reality.
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On October 04 2019 03:59 Cauld wrote: There's a lot of different issues. But, the main thing I always ask is "what outcome do you want from all this?" and then obviously, "how do you get there?".
Do you want to get divorced? Because it sounds like that's the path you're on.
To answer specific questions I don't think it was reasonable she asked so much detailed info about the surgery. It sounds like this is part of a bigger issue where she doesn't feel like you're doing enough to help out around the house/raising the kids.
My in laws live with me currently and I don't like it, but they're very helpful and stay out of my way. I also don't share a language with them, which I find helpful. But, when my wife is talking to them and my kids are asleep or whatever, I use that time for gaming. So it kinda works out.
It sounds like you game a lot. I get it, I like to game. But, you need to put your priorities straight. No matter how much you like gaming, you've got to admit your wife and your kids are more important. You need to make sure your actions are reflecting that reality.
To update a bit. My wife is a bit cold with me but today after taken advice from a lawyer I went and told her I want to move on with a divorce. she completely wasn't expecting something like that from me and she lost it. Good thing is she wants to work out a way for both of us to separate in a good manner. Monday we have appointment with the counselor to see what we will do after all. My wife also told me today that if I want to go back with her I will have to go for gaming rehab....wtf....
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I get that you are frustrated, but be careful before giving that all up, and try to consider it from the other side. This is a bell you won't be able to unring, and will make a huge difference to your kid's lives.
FWIW 3-4 hours of gaming on week nights for a parent of two kids with a full-time job is a LOT. 1-2 on nights you have nothing exciting planned with your wife or kids is a bit more realistic.
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On October 08 2019 21:23 Tal wrote: I get that you are frustrated, but be careful before giving that all up, and try to consider it from the other side. This is a bell you won't be able to unring, and will make a huge difference to your kid's lives.
FWIW 3-4 hours of gaming on week nights for a parent of two kids with a full-time job is a LOT. 1-2 on nights you have nothing exciting planned with your wife or kids is a bit more realistic.
Seriously... i'm lucky if i get to have 2 hours in a week. and I only have one child. If you really are playing that much it may be a matter of your wife feeling like shes not a priority to you, which could ruin any marriage. In your head you might be thinking " its fine if im up till 2 AM playing my wife is sleeping", but she's probably awake in the bed angry that shes sleeping alone even though she's married.
on a more personal note, are you guys still intimate (well obviously not right now, but before this fight about the chair)? i understand if you dont want to answer that.
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Appreciate the update. Hope it all works out for the best. As long as you're doing what you truly think is best then I'm behind you.
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On October 08 2019 21:56 Trainrunnef wrote:Show nested quote +On October 08 2019 21:23 Tal wrote: I get that you are frustrated, but be careful before giving that all up, and try to consider it from the other side. This is a bell you won't be able to unring, and will make a huge difference to your kid's lives.
FWIW 3-4 hours of gaming on week nights for a parent of two kids with a full-time job is a LOT. 1-2 on nights you have nothing exciting planned with your wife or kids is a bit more realistic. Seriously... i'm lucky if i get to have 2 hours in a week. and I only have one child. If you really are playing that much it may be a matter of your wife feeling like shes not a priority to you, which could ruin any marriage. In your head you might be thinking " its fine if im up till 2 AM playing my wife is sleeping", but she's probably awake in the bed angry that shes sleeping alone even though she's married. on a more personal note, are you guys still intimate (well obviously not right now, but before this fight about the chair)? i understand if you dont want to answer that.
yeah we had great sex life to be honest and i'm not ashamed to talk about it.
Someone said to me today if a person you are with doesn't want to be with you because u have a hobby then its a red flag for them. So true.
Also to someone that says "ruin kids lives" it is better to stop bad communication with my wife and fights in front of the kids than pretend everything is fine and deal with it like most hypocrites do. For example, my cousin had a child and lives with his wife in Germany. For the past 6 years they have huge problems between one another and they even split their house in 2 separate spaces. My cousin is from divorced parents so is his wife and he is only staying with her till his son becomes 16 years old. I don't get how they stand to be living in a lie.
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That's unfortunate. I don't think it's too uncommon either, a lot of people get sick of each other and more demanding as time goes on. The situation is complicated by having children, because it is like glue that sticks you to each other even if you are being unpleasant.
I wish you can heal your relationship with your wife, find out what she really wants and if you're able to give that to her while still being happy yourself, live a good life. But I want to say don't stay together just for the kids. If you have to live separately, that may be the best thing, you taking the kids some of the year, her taking the kids at other parts of the year.
When I look at my friends who have had their parents divorce, they're really doing alright as adults, and they were okay as kids too. It's sad when your parents separate, but it's probably better the earlier it happens. It's so much worse to have to listen to your parents fight all the time, for them to take out their frustrations with each other on their kids, for them to show their kids how unreasonable adults can be with each other. And it teaches kids to tolerate that kind of stuff, to think that it is normal to be controlling or to be controlled, or to always have to be getting after someone who is not taking responsibility or being fair, who is not sitting down and having a real conversation. I feel truly jealous of people whose parents knew it was better to separate. Unless it's economically infeasible, don't rule it out.
But as everyone has said, do try to turn a light on yourself and think about if there is something to the criticism you're receiving.
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TLADT24919 Posts
I want to echo what Tal and Trainrunnef posted. If you go through with the divorce, going back isn't an option. Give this a lot of thought and look at it from her perspective. 3-4 hours a day is a lot of time gaming after all. Make sure not to have regrets once you make the final decision. Good luck!
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Oh, boy, if I was in your shoes, I would just leave the wife and take the utmost care for the little ones and for myself. Even if she's otherwise a fine lady, if you are so uncomfortable like you seem to be, it is in my opinion wrong to say with her on grounds of some alleged affection of the past you have had. If you feel the relationship with this particular woman is played out, it is madness to stay with her. End it and the sooner - the better. It is also my opinion that the children's growing up with separated parents but still with parents on reasonable terms is way better than keeping some charade of a family with constant frustration and snappy exchanges and tension. So I say - go ahead, gain some freedom in your life. It will be better for everyone involved and most of all - for your children.
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On October 13 2019 18:47 JoinTheRain wrote: Oh, boy, if I was in your shoes, I would just leave the wife and take the utmost care for the little ones and for myself. Even if she's otherwise a fine lady, if you are so uncomfortable like you seem to be, it is in my opinion wrong to say with her on grounds of some alleged affection of the past you have had. If you feel the relationship with this particular woman is played out, it is madness to stay with her. End it and the sooner - the better. It is also my opinion that the children's growing up with separated parents but still with parents on reasonable terms is way better than keeping some charade of a family with constant frustration and snappy exchanges and tension. So I say - go ahead, gain some freedom in your life. It will be better for everyone involved and most of all - for your children. very well said. Just to give an update. my wife became very cold she even said to me today that if i wanna talk to her i should go through our lawyer. so yeah we are now trying to end things in a civil way but dunno how it will go, the only thing i know is that we are done and moving on.
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Thanks for the update. I agree that at some point you just have to move on. It's good that you're in a spot where you and her can still be civil.
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We are not civil at the moment at all. She wants to destroy me. No kidding.
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Northern Ireland20838 Posts
On October 30 2019 06:20 ffswowsucks wrote: We are not civil at the moment at all. She wants to destroy me. No kidding. That sounds rough man, I hope you can weather the storm in the meantime and down the line things can at least be frostily civil for the sake of you and your relationship with your kids.
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