 boesthius United States. February 03 2009 06:23. Posts 9792 | Profile Blog # |
Oh hello there!
You're looking mighty swell today. Why you're welcome! Oh come on, you're too kind. So how's it kickin', homeskillet? Wait, say that again? You just bought a guitar and you want to start an alternative rock band? WELL just call me a flaming faggot and slap me right on the ass, it's your lucky day! I just happen to have the skills to help you! What's that, you're completely interested? Well now just follow me!
Let's get started immediately. Now as EVERYONE knows - the only thing that matters in music is style. The first thing we need to do is transform your god-awful appearance and make you into a star~~ Let's start with that hair of yours. Just by looking at you I can tell you're quite the little unoriginal monkey with that straight-down-the-middle-part hairstyle you have.
Tisk, tisk. Let's fix that. The first thing you're going to want to do is get your brush out and make that even part uneven!
That's right, bring it to the sidddeeeee.
Jumpin' gee willickers! I can tell by your expression that you think you look GOOD. Golly gee whiz now if that isn't originality, I don't know what is. Well, I'll be the first to tell you that GIRLS PANTIES WILL DROP AT THE SIGHT OF YOU with that new hairstyle. Hell it will be easy to find new ones too since they all have low self-esteem. Luckily for you I can see you've got the barely-there mustache and chin pubes going on - that will let the girls know that you're not afraid of putting some hair on that face of yours. Goddamn, you'll be a fuckin' machine. It's a true statement.
Now that we've got your hair out of the way, we need to move on to your bland taste in clothing. I can see that you're taste in hairstyles segues into your clothing choices as well. If you want everyone to see how well you play your 4chord songs and play your piano, you're going to need to spice it up! The first thing you're going to have to do is tighten up that crotchal region. Go ahead, put them on.
Feel good, don't they. And trust me you can't get that cradling effect anywhere else. I know, I've tried it just isn't the same. With your genitals covered, let's move on. The next step in bringing about your blatant conceit is your top. No not your hats dumbass, your shirts. It's a given that you need something else than that bland black t-shirt you have on. Go ahead, pick out a nice button up shirt and don't forget to button it up all the way!
What are you doing? Who the hell do you think you are, Richard Gere? Button that up like I told you, we're not even done with the shirts yet! Ugh.. Now let's take a look - well at least you rolled up your sleeves, most fashion newbies don't get that the first time, I'll give you that. Onwards! The next step is OBVIOUSLY picking out a vest. Now at this point I would suggest picking up one at Target as they're usually around $20 and you're DEFINITELY not ready for thrift store shopping. Ohhhh no you're definitely not ready for must smelling bargains and cheap records of Bob Dylan. Here take this black vest that has a little design on the front, put it on.
Ooooh yeah looking good there slick. I see you've noticed already those deceiving pockets, or should I say LACK of pockets am I right? Oh ho ho I crack myself up, I should blog about it.. I digress...hey hold on there a second. Why so sad?
What's that you say? You still don't feel like you're ready to sway those hips and swoon jailbait with your false harmonic voice? Well I'm just going to stop you RIGHT THERE! I have a secret..more powerful than all of the things that I am teaching you today. You see this scarf? It is no ordinary scarf - it is a scarf made only from the purest of virgin hair. Put this on right now!
Feel the power of unladen sexiness flow through you, my lad. It feels good doesn't it. That, my surprised youngin' is called The Placebo Effect - trademark by me. I know it's a fantastic concept, I've thought about bottling it and selling it in cans and calling it Redbull. What's that you? That's a swell idea? Well I already know that, I'm just afraid of the repercussions of said actions..
Well! I'd say we've come quite a ways, wouldn't you my boy? How about we take a look at your guitar there. Wait wait wait, before you touch it - take off the scarf please. We don't want any of the raw sexy manbeast getting caught up in the strings now would you? No I didn't think so, so take it off and pick up your axe.
Oh come on now boy, it's not like your wife just gave birth and you're holding your son for the first time! Hold it like you would hold your woman the night you conceived!
Now THAT'S more like it, lookin' like a real couple there I'd say. My you're learning at an incredibly fast rate there; I'd go as far as to say you're faster then all of The Fray themselves! Now all you need to do is learn 4 chords, steal a melody from Satriani but put it in a different key, and you'll be living the life in no time! Oh and don't forget to take pictures for myspace while you're at it! There's a mirror in here so why don't you go on ahead.
Oh yeah lookin' swell. Say there, time is up and that seems to be all that I am able and willing to teach you. A job well done on my part, I must say. You may be thinking to yourself "but what if I miss my favorite bands like Bal-Sagoth and Daughters and pg.99?!". Well sonny, I'm not gonna lie - it's going to be tough. I would suggest going to the mall right now and grabbing some Coldplay and The Spill Canvas. Once you pop in X&Y you'll understand what I mean when I say "holy shit what was I thinking with that music I used to listen to that took skill?". I must be leaving, so let me get a good look at you before I go.
Holy Christ, I am a modern-day miracle worker.
+ Show Spoiler +shit i hate trees so much TEAR THEM ALL DOWN
 |
| | i hate everything http://boesthius.tumblr.com/ |
|
|
| boesthius United States. February 03 2009 06:23. Posts 9792 | Profile Blog # | |
| | i hate everything http://boesthius.tumblr.com/ |
|
|
| Mindcrime United States. February 03 2009 06:25. Posts 5928 | Profile # | |
| | That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery. |
|
|
 cgrinker United States. February 03 2009 06:27. Posts 3773 | Profile Blog # |
| I just looked at the pics but lolercopters |
| |
|
| koreasilver Canada. February 03 2009 06:27. Posts 7488 | Profile Blog # |
A+
My very first guitar was the same Ibanez as yours, but I sold it to my friend shortly after I bought my telecaster as I didn't like it anymore and my friend was starting to learn guitar. |
| | "I don't think that the polls accurately reflect how far this race has swung in Romney's favor. I'm still expecting a landslide victory for Romney." - TL's very own Nostradamous, xDaunt |
|
|
| minus_human Romania. February 03 2009 06:36. Posts 4758 | Profile Blog # |
very nice
on a serious note, can u actually play? I would love to hear some solos |
|
|
| boesthius United States. February 03 2009 06:40. Posts 9792 | Profile Blog # |
On February 03 2009 06:36 minus_human wrote:very nice on a serious note, can u actually play? I would love to hear some solos
hahaha yeah i can actually play, i'm learning necrophagist stuff atm and i'm getting mad > : [ |
| | i hate everything http://boesthius.tumblr.com/ |
|
|
| Archaic United States. February 03 2009 06:59. Posts 4023 | Profile Blog # |
| Hahaha. 5/5. I can't agree more about *some* of these bands. Nailed it. |
|
|
| Domestica United States. February 03 2009 06:59. Posts 411 | Profile Blog # |
haha the two thumbs up picture is a winner
5/5! |
|
|
| Dknight United States. February 03 2009 07:23. Posts 4131 | Profile Blog # |
| As the Sun Sets was so much better than Daughters!!!!!!! |
|
|
| boesthius United States. February 03 2009 07:29. Posts 9792 | Profile Blog # |
On February 03 2009 07:23 Dknight wrote:
As the Sun Sets was so much better than Daughters!!!!!!!
I love both but i've been on a huge daughters, orchid, botch, usurp synapse spree lately |
| | i hate everything http://boesthius.tumblr.com/ |
|
|
| koreasilver Canada. February 03 2009 07:46. Posts 7488 | Profile Blog # |
| It's kinda funny how Knudson went from Botch to Minus the Bear. The music is so different. |
| | "I don't think that the polls accurately reflect how far this race has swung in Romney's favor. I'm still expecting a landslide victory for Romney." - TL's very own Nostradamous, xDaunt |
|
|
| SayaSP Laos. February 03 2009 09:07. Posts 5478 | Profile Blog # | |
| | [iHs]SSP | I-NO-KI BOM-BA-YE | のヮの http://tinyurl.com/MLIStheCV , MLIS. |
|
|
| evanthebouncy! United States. February 03 2009 09:15. Posts 10736 | Profile Blog # |
| AHahHAhaa it's amazing how you showed none of the singing/guitar haha |
| | Life is run, it is dance, it is fast, passionate and BAM!, you dance and sing and booze while you can for now is the time and time is mine. Smile and laugh when still can for now is the time and soon you die! |
|
|
| boesthius United States. February 03 2009 11:03. Posts 9792 | Profile Blog # |
On February 03 2009 07:46 koreasilver wrote:
It's kinda funny how Knudson went from Botch to Minus the Bear. The music is so different.
as much as i looove minus the bear i'd love it sooo much more if botch started up again : [
i wanna be a sex symbol on my own terms |
| | i hate everything http://boesthius.tumblr.com/ |
|
|
| Dknight United States. February 04 2009 06:57. Posts 4131 | Profile Blog # |
so what kind of shoes should this person be getting?
are we talking converse here or what?!?! |
|
|
| tonight United States. February 04 2009 07:03. Posts 6456 | Profile Blog # |
| Jon, I wanna titty fuck you. |
| | if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need @tonightsend |
|
|
| boesthius United States. February 04 2009 07:04. Posts 9792 | Profile Blog # |
On February 04 2009 06:57 Dknight wrote:
so what kind of shoes should this person be getting?
are we talking converse here or what?!?!
No way man, you need to go to your local payless shoes or jcpenney and find the 11-12 size section - even IF you wear an 8. Now find the cheapest pair of low-cut cowboy boots but make sure they are as fake as you can get and everyone can see the cracks in the soles ( which means you're going to be doing a lot of dancing in your bathroom at home to achieve said cracks.) |
| | i hate everything http://boesthius.tumblr.com/ |
|
|
| tonight United States. February 04 2009 07:04. Posts 6456 | Profile Blog # |
On February 04 2009 06:57 Dknight wrote:
so what kind of shoes should this person be getting?
are we talking converse here or what?!?!
Or pumas |
| | if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need @tonightsend |
|
|
| boesthius United States. February 04 2009 07:04. Posts 9792 | Profile Blog # |
On February 04 2009 07:03 tonight wrote:
Jon, I wanna titty fuck you.
i've gained like 15lbs since i left the band so it may be viable :o |
| | i hate everything http://boesthius.tumblr.com/ |
|
|
| 1 2 Next All |
|
Store
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/yoyo.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/sup.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/brush.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/omigosh.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/sotight.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/richardgere.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/wtfnopockets.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/sadjon.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/scarf.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/wtfisthis.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/liekdis.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/mahspace.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/good2go.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u202/Boesthius/thisishowyouplayalternativerock.jpg)
