StarCraft Heroes: The Way I Look at Them

Zerg:
Infested Kerrigan: Okay, Messrs. Ranyor, Mengsk, and Artanis. Know why you guys are doing so poorly? Because you actually side with this bitch. Arcturus, you would get along with Raynor just fine if you didn't join causes with a woman you tried to kill. She said it herself. And Artanis, didn't she already trick you guys in Episode 4?

Samir Duran: I'll hold off on this one for now, I wanted to do something racist, but I'm not going to, for everyone's sake. If you know me, you'll understand.

Senior Cerebrate Daggoth: Well, apparently, it's even easier to take orders from a giant-ass larva as well.

The Overmind: His portrait says a lot about him. It's a cross between an eye, because he watches over the Zerg, and the head of a penis, because of his giant-ass balls.

Zerg Hero Strains:
Devouring One: If a little Zergling eats his vegetables and stays away from the Defiler, he'll grow up to be a Devouring One some day.

Hunter Killer: It's a Hydralisk... facing right instead of left! OMG CREATIVITY!

Torrasque These come in 2 varieties:
1. Frail Old Grandma Torrasque: The kind you get in Terran Mission 8. They take a long time to reincarnate, and spawn far, far away. Even worse, the kind you get in Zerg Mission 2 can't resurrect!

2. Badass Beefy Torrasque: The kind that rape you in Enslavers Mission 3. Good luck beating him if you don't have Darchons.

Terran:
Jim Raynor: Comes in three forms: Crappy Marine, Gosu Bike, and BADDLEKRUZER OPERAYSHUNAL, sorry, Bat-tle-croo-zer O-per-a-tion-al, Billy! In fact, his battlecruiser is actually stimmed. Check it out, it fires faster than normal battlecruisers.

Sarah Kerrigan: Kerrigan back when she had only shitty ghost abilities and couldn't nuke. Fuck that shit.

Duke: Umm, he goes from Bad Guy to Good Guy to Bad Guy to Neutral/Bad Guy to Bad Guy to Good Guy to Dead Guy. Very nice, Blizzard.

Arcturus Mengsk: Emperor of the Terrans, yet lives on a radioactive shit desert planet (Too much Irradiate?). Explain that logic.

Gerard DuGalle: He seems like a total badass in the intro, turns into a total dumbass by the end of the Terran Campaign, and turns into a total deadass by the end of the Zerg Campaign.

Alexei Stukov: Badass dude who got teamkilled, resurrected, and then un-infested.

Protoss:
Aldaris: He's like a librarian, except he doesn't work in a library and he's an asshole. Noobs to StarCraft think he has a mouth.

Also responsible for the most famous StarCraft internet meme.

Artanis: You should really stop poking him! What does he look like, an orc? This is not Warcraft in space! It's much more sophisticated! Yes, I know it's not 3-D!

Zeratul: A member of the Dark Templar Hacking Clan. He and his friends got persecuted by the Admin Aldaris of Blizzard, and Aldaris shit his pants when Zeratul saved their race. He's king of the Dark Templar now, but not of all the Protoss, because everyone still remembers that he was the one who gave the location of Aiur to the Protoss's most hating enemy.

Tassadar: Against the wishes of Blizzard, Tassadar joined the DTHC and learned their hacking methods. After Artanis rescued him from Zeratul's house, Tassadar downloaded a hack he found into his big-ass carrier. Of course, Conclavebot had detected this hack and purged Tassadar from the world of StarCraft.

Raszagal: 1045-year-old Protoss whose mind became Kerrigan's bitch in Episode 4.

Fenix: Badass Zealot who died because his Psi Blades ran on Energizer instead of Duracell. Got resurrected as a Dragoon, and magically got 800 HP in the last moments of his life. That didn't stop me from using Spawn Broodling on him in that mission.