Lately I've been feeling a bit off key. I'm getting into the same late night habits that I did when I played WoW. Staying up until 4am..5am...6am, and then pulling an all nighter(or all-dayer) to get back into the normal rhythm. For some reason I keep wanting to stay up later each night. Ironically I just want to reach that point in the morning when the sun starts to come up and the birds are chirping. I know I've missed a lot of sunlight and that's a major cause of why I'm feeling so down lately, but something always keeps dragging me into the dark of the night.
Alcohol's been calling me: since a few weeks ago at a party I've had my sights on drinking a lot. I only had about 5 beers but I actually had to put in effort to walk straight and not break things. I felt aloof and free. I felt like I had no compunction to just having fun and forgetting about the world for a night. And most importantly I lost sight of my social anxiety. Since then I've had maybe a couple glasses of scotch every week, and at that I feel like I'm holding back some feelings inside.
I guess this is my time for a crossroads. I'm not sure if I want to stay in psychology(going into 2nd year) or continue my quest in writing in some cliche, romantic, ditching of mainstream life(my blogs aren't that great quality in terms of literature but I do a lot of writing on paper). Whatever's happening with me I reckon I'm regressing into childhood.
I used to play a lot of those immature games like prank calls. Me and a friend had fun just phoning people and telling them they won a lord of the rings contest and to go across town to receive their prize. I also played 'nicky nicky nine doors' around grade 6. Not sure about the name but it's where you ring the door bell and run away. Interesting it's been played since the 1800s according to Wikipedia. I've been mostly finding Eastcoastbob and Captain Janks videos on YT.
Anyone know the song that's played at 5:10? ^
Listening to these prank calls brings back those mischievous and impish feelings from my youth. It makes me think that if I go back to that kind of life I'll stop being so depressed and will stop caring so much about other people's thoughts. It makes me want to embrace life and just have fun for a while. I'm sure I'll return to normal sometime soon, this feeling doesn't usually last. Probably for the better in this case.
By the way my quest in Brood War is going well! I started at around D- a month and a half ago and made it to D+(2600) just a couple weeks a go, and I've been able to beat some C- once in a while. I'm starting to get a grasp on all the different timings and builds and my macro has improved vastly over the past month. I've also been experimenting with lockdown/cloak ghosts in TvT as well as late game marine/ghost to help with carriers but goliaths seem to be a much more reliable route. My micro is also a lot better. I used to be afraid of 3-4 goons standing at my natural even though I had a couple tanks and vults with mines, but I've learned how to use mines effectively and I have to say it's very empowering! Especially when you're listening to this song:
Still no job I've been searching for a month, handing my resume out and doing interviews. Do you guys call them back in the next days even if they say they'll call you and they don't? One of the jobs I could have had was at an upscale restaurant. I gave them my full availability; late night, weekends, full time etc... as well as minimum wage and I felt like the interview went really well. I wasn't awkward and shaky like I used to be in social situations: I was confident and engaging and tried to talk professionally.
I've been wanting some extra cash so that I can afford a new computer, or at least some more RAM and a better video card. I've had this computer for about 7 or 8 years and I've been craving some kind of new entertainment in the form of a game. Since I quit WoW from my addiction I've had my eyes on SC2. Though in the time during therapy and my own meditations lying in bed staring at the ceiling(a la Descartes) I've learned that at the core I may have an addictive personality.
I might be able to use these periods of addictions to my benefit, though. Maybe I can find a way to "trick" my brain into getting addicted to certain things, like school. But that could lead to greater despair, as my addictions have always been fueled by the genuine need for attachment. A more broad and ever changing pattern of addictions might make the demon inside me grow more resilient to my controls and drive me into a greater depression.
Here comes the sun, so I better be off to bed. Night all.
You just need some motivation. A couple months ago I was literally drinking everyday and fell into this giant hole of depression. I kicked myself in the ass, found some motivation, and now I'm doing alot better. Working out every other day, doing well in school again, etc..
On June 03 2011 20:49 Roe wrote: Staying up until 4am..5am...6am, and then pulling an all nighter(or all-dayer) to get back into the normal rhythm. For some reason I keep wanting to stay up later each night. Ironically I just want to reach that point in the morning when the sun starts to come up and the birds are chirping. I know I've missed a lot of sunlight and that's a major cause of why I'm feeling so down lately, but something always keeps dragging me into the dark of the night.
Are you me? This has been exactly me for the last few months, i've only just now started getting back into a better sleeping routine within the last two weeks or so since getting a job, I definitely needed the motivation. Now I just hope I can keep it.
Good luck with your job search by the way and yeah, I always call them back a few days after handing in my resume to ask if they've had a chance to look over it or whatever. It's pretty much how I landed my current job. It shows you're interested.
BrTarolg United Kingdom. June 03 2011 23:01. Posts 2496
The first thing you need to tell yourself, is that even though you are doing all these things you think you shouldn't do
You have to tell yourself its OK. There is nothing "wrong" with what you are doing. You don't HAVE to be a productive, good person that doesn't drink and stay up late etc.
Its just you would PREFER to be a good productive person etc. But the fact that you are not that right now, its OK. You are not a bad person! Just because you do things that you think are "bad" doesn't mean you are a bad person. Its OK to not be perfect in your own eyes.
The only thing that keeps the kid in someone from coming out and bring a little joy is being afraid of doing something wrong with regard to the set of evaluations for every situation you have acquired while growing up. Apparently the best way of maintaining a healthy attitude while clearly having to fight mood swings and states of depression is remembering the good stuff. Every good stuff counts as a placebo and gets you igniting some spark of true well-being. There's a lot of tiny good stuff to be found even when linking together bad thoughts or doing bad stuff But always ask yourself what would God do if he had your background and mood-swings and inclinations for pranks.
Last edit: 2011-06-04 00:21:12
I don't know, lynch me!
sTsCompleted United States. June 04 2011 01:19. Posts 380
Theres nothing wrong with it. I've had insomnia for the past two years. I find its really quite manageable as long as you really start to think during the day, otherwise you do really stupid things or say really stupid things. I lost a girlfriend once because of it. My rule is if I have to think of it I don't do it. For instance, if you want to say something to someone you like. If your just sitting there waiting for a time to put it in or thinking if you should say it DON'T DO IT. If you just say it then it's probably OK. The biggest thing, however is that you have to conform your "big rule" to fit you and your personality. Your rule isn't necessarily going to be the same or even similar to mine, you just have to find it. For instance, your prank calling might just be OK, or not. You have to figure it out by finding your rule and applying it.
Hope this has been helpful, and good luck.
Torte de Lini Canada. June 04 2011 01:38. Posts 27079