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| jeeeeohn United States. July 01 2011 19:38. Posts 882 | Profile Blog # |
So I sent in that story and got a rejection letter already, yikes!
Anyway, thought I'd post a little bit of it here for some feedback. Need unbiased opinions. Enjoy! (Indents don't show up, not sure how to fix that.)
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Future Mystic
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The brick and mortar hut was baking under the African sun, and the village of Bereseba was positively sweltering. From a distance, the rising heat swept up in wavering sheets, and watching the village was like watching a reflection on a lake. From inside the array of makeshift hovels the bronze-skinned inhabitants darted shade-to-shade. And so too was Special Agent Hyram Nick, walking doggedly through the hamlet, the furnace cramping his body. He was incongruous and stark in his surroundings; tall, angular frame poured into a grey-black jumper, pale skin dripping with sweat. Hyram paused before the hut and spat, the moisture hissing midair, and checked his surroundings—how authentic it all seemed! Even the old church still stood, whitewashed and sand-blasted. How quaint. He relished the thought of approaching the old, worn stones and plunging his fist into them, as simply done as dipping his fingers into water.
Hyram stepped through the sticks-partition and was immediately soothed by the cool blast of air conditioning. He huffed and pulled his shirt out, felt the torrent wrap around his body. With one smooth sweep of his eyes he absorbed the office: the walls and floor alike were concrete, lit by soft yellow bulbs; a mahogany table dominated the room. Hyram saw the African “village” through the window and smiled: the façade was believable and tastefully executed. Besides one other man the building was deserted. A glimmer of movement in his peripheral caused him to turn, and he found General McElroy standing in the corner, grim-faced. They saluted each other. Hyram’s smile broadened.
“We’re using augmented reality tech to reconstruct their villages now?” he asked the general slyly. McElroy shrugged, his face noncommittal. One would think the man didn’t know what an expression was.
“It’s their cultural aesthetic,” was his bland reply. General McElroy motioned toward a steel chair and Hyram sat. The general sat opposite across the long, burnished table, and leaned forward, clasping his hands.
“I have to commend you on the church,” Hyram continued, only half-serious, “Christian pilgrims will get quite a surprise when they walk in and find an apartment complex.” The general’s mouth quivered fractionally in what passed as his smile.
“Despite all their progress over the past one hundred fifty years,” he responded, “some Africans still pine for their old huts. With our Augmented Reality tech, they can have both the aesthetic and the modern sensibility.”
It was true: Africa had improved dramatically over a short span of time. Deserts were becoming fertile due to the ever-evolving science of terraforming. The genocides and senseless violence had ceased. Africa as a whole was modernizing, becoming powerful and wealthy as one united country. By 2150, the United Nation’s involvement had become more ceremonial than practical—nevertheless, America was adamant on securing a foothold on valuable African soil. Thus a bargain was struck: in exchange for her profitable augmented reality technology, America would never have to withdraw from the continent.
General McElroy lit a cigar, puffed it thoughtfully for a moment, the smoke rings rising and disappearing into a whirring air shaft. “Hyram, you know why you’re here,” he said after a moment.
Hyram Nick stopped smiling.
“Yes sir, perfectly.”
“Then you know a certain Chinese-dissident turned American-spy recently hijacked and smuggled about two hundred projectors traveling to Earth from the Quasi system.”
Projectors: the little machines that imaged into space whatever you programmed them to image. The very tools that created this sham of an impoverished African village, and the Church lording over its dilapidated huts. The mechanical and scientific specifics eluded Hyram—but never the theory. Anything and everything could be recreated down to the atom. So potent were the artificial holograms that they were outlawed in civilian sectors. You could pass through them, obviously, though only after extensive mental conditioning. More often than not running into a hologram of a brick wall was just as painful as running into an actual brick wall. Those adept at controlling the technology—namely CIA agents like Hyram—could even have projectors biologically implanted into their skin.
Hyram nodded.
McElroy took another long drag on his cigar, “And you know that this certain dissident turned spy has retreated onto the planet Quai, the very planet occupied by a civilization we’re trying to bring out of the Stone Age before their sun goes nova, yes?”
What an unfortunate first contact, reflected Hyram. Of the billion, billion stars hanging like ornaments in the universe, the chances of finding a civilization that was your technological equivalent was next to nothing. You had a better chance of finding a culture either light-years ahead or light-years behind your own; in Earth’s case, they had found the latter. Cavemen. Now the UN was trying to assimilate the savages and rescue them before their star explodes.
Hyram drummed his fingers on the table, very quickly said, “Yes—yes sir. I’ve read the file. Only two things I don’t know: why he’s gone back to the Quasi system and what I’m supposed to do about it.”
Suddenly, like ghostly apparitions, a series of photos materialized over the desk. Hyram noted the gentle whirring of a projector embedded in the wood. He squinted: they were aerial photos, taken from Quai’s atmosphere. The planet itself was cold, the sun bloated and exhausted; many areas were overexposed and snow-blind. Frost and ice plastered the landscape, sparse plant-life creeping out in clumps. Even from the poor quality, Hyram could see what was amiss: every photo depicted a sort of cave, crevice, two hills that looked suspiciously artificial…
“These structures were AR generated,” he concluded aloud. Hyram looked up incredulously and found the general staring at him. McElroy nodded.
“That technology is forbidden on primitive worlds for a reason.” he leaned forward, whispered, “You and me, we intuitively know those structures don’t exist, after all we have the training—but the natives, they believe it. If our double agent is using those projectors to sway the Quai—the savages—he’ll seem Godlike. Down there, for all intents and purposes, he is God.
“He’s converting more and more of them everyday,” the general continued, “And the most troubling thing: our entire occupying fleet has gone dark. We send in scouts. They don’t return. He must have gotten to them too. In short, we need you to infiltrate the planet and assassinate or incapacitate him. This is top secret.”
Hyram Nick had expected as much. He stared at the photos for a long time, imprinting them to memory. Wordlessly he rose, strode to the door.
“What’s his name, General?” asked Hyram, pausing mid-stride.
“His name is Jiang Yu.”
Hyram left the office.
Outside into that blistering furnace, he walked toward the church and stopped, touched the stone walls with his fingers. I believe it’s real, he told himself. Sure enough the Church stood unwavering.
It’s not real, and in that same moment his mind tripped into disbelief. The church image became a web of electrical streams; his hand dipped into the mirage, now like a pool of cool water, and the building rippled.
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It's a very short story (about 6k words), but that's the first part. Leave me a comment or use the poll--or both.
Poll: Thoughts?Bad (15) 83% Good (3) 17% Great (0) 0% Have to read the rest (0) 0% 18 total votes Your vote: Thoughts? (Vote): Great
(Vote): Good
(Vote): Bad
(Vote): Have to read the rest
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| | "Never forget the Cheer Cannon." (MLG Orlando, 2011) IdrA / HuK / INcontroL, On November 17 2011 07:41 iNcontroL wrote:[i]The pleasure was all mine[/i] / BoxeR / Ret / Stephano ("Napoleon") / Machine / Artosis: I am not a doctor. (Dreamhack Winter 2011) |
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| Danjoh Sweden. July 01 2011 21:16. Posts 404 | Profile # |
I only read the first paragraph, and decided it's not my kind of reading, so didn't vote...
But so far 6 people have voted (all for bad), and nobody has left any sort of feedback on why it was bad? That's just rude =/ |
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| HornyHerring Papua New Guinea. July 01 2011 21:40. Posts 701 | Profile # |
On July 01 2011 21:16 Danjoh wrote:
But so far 6 people have voted (all for bad), and nobody has left any sort of feedback on why it was bad? That's just rude =/
Well he said "Leave me a comment or use the poll--or both." so following his request is not being rude in any way.
Want my feedback? Gonna be blunt, it's cheap, has no feel in it, it's unsophisticated and not worked on hard enough. Seems like a story written by someone who based all his writing experience and skill on a writing tutorial. And you can not learn creative writing from a book. You have to work hard and long to produce something worthwile. You know what you should do? Write a piece, put it in your drawer and forget about it - take it out like 6 months later, with your head flushed out of the ideas and mentality you had while writing it and correct it. You can be your own best editor. And then if you feel like it's ready to go, don;t show it to your friends or family, show it to some people that are good writers or at least know something about it. There is a reason for that rejection.
No hating. Best of luck.
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| Dagobert Netherlands. July 01 2011 21:46. Posts 1594 | Profile Blog # |
You want an unbiased opinion?
Sorry, fresh out of those, but here, take this, it's an unbaked cake. |
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| DamageControL United States. July 01 2011 22:24. Posts 3571 | Profile Blog # |
Try to simplify your writing style. It's a little overwrought. At the very least you need to diversify sentence type and length. Not every sentence can or should be the descriptive sentence of a lifetime. I will read and offer more feedback later.
A few questions:
How old are you?
How much do you read?
What is your educational background?
Have you ever published anything before?
edit: Sorry, just finished the whole thing. It's not that bad, but it lacks serious refinement. You probably need to read more, as well as take a few more advanced writing classes. Some of the sentences just seem awkward and out placed. They break the "magic" of reading.Last edit: 2011-07-01 22:31:03 |
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| Sarmis United States. July 01 2011 22:43. Posts 45 | Profile # | |
| | "All that is very well," answered Candide, "but let us cultivate our garden." |
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| jeeeeohn United States. July 01 2011 22:59. Posts 882 | Profile Blog # |
On July 01 2011 22:24 DamageControL wrote:
Try to simplify your writing style. It's a little overwrought. At the very least you need to diversify sentence type and length. Not every sentence can or should be the descriptive sentence of a lifetime. I will read and offer more feedback later.
A few questions:
How old are you?
How much do you read?
What is your educational background?
Have you ever published anything before?
edit: Sorry, just finished the whole thing. It's not that bad, but it lacks serious refinement. You probably need to read more, as well as take a few more advanced writing classes. Some of the sentences just seem awkward and out placed. They break the "magic" of reading.
Age:19
I read a lot, on average 2/3 novels/anthologies a week.
Just out of high school, entering college next year.
Never published. Just started this really, only 3 stories under my belt.
I agree it could use more refinement. In fact, the day after I sent it out I reread it and my pride was replaced with "uh oh."
Gonna be blunt, it's cheap, has no feel in it, it's unsophisticated and not worked on hard enough. Seems like a story written by someone who based all his writing experience and skill on a writing tutorial
I agree. I wanted this story to be pulpy, thus it comes across cheap. I've spent a lot of time reading Arthur C. Clarke and Asimov, and I suppose I was trying to model those two a little? Dunno, but I know that I've overcomplicated a lot of plots before and this time I wanted an easy little story.
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| | "Never forget the Cheer Cannon." (MLG Orlando, 2011) IdrA / HuK / INcontroL, On November 17 2011 07:41 iNcontroL wrote:[i]The pleasure was all mine[/i] / BoxeR / Ret / Stephano ("Napoleon") / Machine / Artosis: I am not a doctor. (Dreamhack Winter 2011) |
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| MassArbiterFTW Australia. July 02 2011 00:05. Posts 51 | Profile Blog # |
I wanted this story to be pulpy, thus it comes across cheap.
The best pulp writers seldom 'came across cheap'. They might exercise an economy of detail by focussing on what is needed to drive the story but that is an essential quality of good short fiction. Good 'pulpy' fiction, written exclusively entertainment, needs to drag the reader in and compel their interest by balancing vividness and fast-paced plot development. Say only what you need to say to tell your story but say it well.
A lot of your expression seems, as other posters have suggested, awkward. I think if you put your story aside for a day or two and then try and edit to improve the flow and description you will surprise yourself with the improvement. You might redraft it several times before you are completely satisfied with it. Apart from that, just keep practising; it really is the best way to get better! Keep writing stories, continue polishing this one and keep submitting it to other markets.
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| Dittert United States. July 02 2011 00:25. Posts 97 | Profile Blog # |
I'd suggest two improvements, one mechanical and one flavorful.
First, I think you can use a lot fewer words to get your point across. It's almost as though you are trying to make yourself "sound like an author" by adding as many adjectives as possible. Take your first paragraph, for example:
The brick and mortar hut was baking under the African sun, and the village of Bereseba was positively sweltering. From a distance, the rising heat swept up in wavering sheets, and watching the village was like watching a reflection on a lake. From inside the array of makeshift hovels the bronze-skinned inhabitants darted shade-to-shade. And so too was Special Agent Hyram Nick, walking doggedly through the hamlet, the furnace cramping his body. He was incongruous and stark in his surroundings; tall, angular frame poured into a grey-black jumper, pale skin dripping with sweat. Hyram paused before the hut and spat, the moisture hissing midair, and checked his surroundings—how authentic it all seemed! Even the old church still stood, whitewashed and sand-blasted. How quaint. He relished the thought of approaching the old, worn stones and plunging his fist into them, as simply done as dipping his fingers into water.
Essentially you spent a couple hundred words to tell us that it's hot outside. You could have conveyed that point with one punchy sentence, or one significant action from a character.
Do you read your work out loud when you finish writing it? I would suggest doing so, as a lot of your sentences were hard to read in my head (again, too many words, too many complex structures). You don't have to be "fancy" to be effective.
As for the flavor, I was put off by mentions of the CIA and the UN. Do you mean to tell me that several hundred (or thousand) years in the future (after we've apparently mastered the idea of inter-planetary travel and interacted with alien civilizations) we're still worried about the CIA, the UN, China, and Africa? I don't buy the modern references in the futuristic setting. |
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| Umpteen United Kingdom. July 02 2011 00:49. Posts 1256 | Profile Blog # |
We have a lot to talk about 
I'll do a proper run-through when I get home - would you prefer it via PM or in this thread? |
| | Faith is not a virtue. Its a reward, the payoff for having determined truth. Believing in that which cannot be proved either way is just masturbation. |
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 inamorato United States. July 02 2011 00:51. Posts 262 | Profile Blog # |
| It seems as if you want everyone to be aware of your large vocabulary, rather than properly develop characters and plot. |
| | You're one microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan Designed and directed by his red right hand |
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| Taekwon United States. July 02 2011 01:39. Posts 7980 | Profile # |
| It doesn't flow. I suggest reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - he gets sophistication across with flair and flavor. |
| | ▲ ▲ ▲ Hero of Nintendo - 3rd Degree Black Belt ▲ ▲ ▲ |
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| DamageControL United States. July 02 2011 02:25. Posts 3571 | Profile Blog # |
And read many genres. You will learn what is the core of good writing and what is stylistic. But generally you write like, well, a high school student.
edit: also the "And you know then" is sort of ridiculous. Why would he tell him what he knows?
edit again: I think we should create a writer's thread!
final edit?: BTW "flow" is really nebulous. Perhaps you could try to clarify?Last edit: 2011-07-02 02:36:07 |
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| oBlade Korea (South). July 02 2011 02:36. Posts 2174 | Profile Blog # |
It's okay. You seem to have enough vocabulary that it doesn't come off pretentious, but it's varied enough that every line seems fresh. (Some lines aren't good - you'll weed those out with practice and working more - but there's still no redundancy at least.) The dialogue is clearly weak. It's cliche like ghostwritten sci-fi. I think this means you don't really believe in the characters you invented. They seem transparent. And I don't know who they are or why I should be interested in them.
On July 01 2011 22:43 Sarmis wrote:
Show, don't tell.
This is like reminding a composer to come up with something that sounds good.Last edit: 2011-07-02 02:38:13 |
| | "I read it. You know how to read, you ignorant fuck?" - Andy Dufresne |
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| TSM Great Britain. July 02 2011 03:19. Posts 582 | Profile Blog # |
| harsh, guys maybe make a new category like, 'needs improvement' instead of just 'bad' which it wasn't 'bad' but it needed improvement |
| | The person to smile when everything goes wrong has found someone to blame it on - arthur bloch **** tl:dr *user was banned for this post* |
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| Tuneful United States. July 02 2011 04:09. Posts 327 | Profile Blog # |
| Whatever the case, please don't quit writing. Writing is a long, arduous process and you will have to kill many ideas that you are in love with because others find them awful. It may take thousands of failures. |
| | "I play this game for three years, twelve hours a day - I shouldn't lose to these people" |
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| Roe Canada. July 02 2011 05:10. Posts 5193 | Profile Blog # |
On July 02 2011 04:09 Tuneful wrote:
Whatever the case, please don't quit writing. Writing is a long, arduous process and you will have to kill many ideas that you are in love with because others find them awful. It may take thousands of failures.
This. Most writers I know find writing something hard to do, but they must do it. |
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| Mothra United States. July 02 2011 06:47. Posts 1017 | Profile Blog # |
| I'm surprised so many voted bad. I've seen much worse writing get praise. The writing actually flows pretty decently in my opinion but the story was not interesting. The rhythm, vocabulary and grammar are pretty sound, much better than what lots of people post on the internet. Just need a story worth telling and a way to make the reader care about the characters. Characters make stories great and memorable more than plots. Sorry not much concrete advice but your writing is certainly not an absolute "Bad". Keep at it. |
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 SirJolt Ireland. July 02 2011 07:09. Posts 2246 | Profile Blog # |
On July 02 2011 01:39 Taekwon wrote:
It doesn't flow. I suggest reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - he gets sophistication across with flair and flavor.
Similarly, I would recommend reading some Wilde and some Steinbeck. There are few clearer examples of simple eloquence.
If you don't want to launch into huge books on my recommendation, read Steinbeck's Cannery Row; it's a short story that struck me to my core and one I feel every writer should at least be aware of. |
| | I write an advice column for amateur necromancers; feel free to ask anything you like - http://necromanswers.com/ |
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| redoxx United States. July 02 2011 07:18. Posts 333 | Profile Blog # |
As a high school student myself (soon to be senior), I feel like my writing occasionally sounds the same way yours does, except that my teachers are ready to point it out so I have had some experience fixing it. Like others have said, I think your writing sounds too forced, almost like you wrote the piece trying to write a detailed synopsis of another piece.
The line "The brick and mortar hut was baking under the African sun, and the village of Bereseba was positively sweltering." is a great example of bland writing, which is telling the reader what is going on, not showing. You could easily have said "The brick Bereseba huts stood clustered together among shoots of shriveled grass and swirling dust clouds" or something of the sort. Not only does a line like this provide the information you want through implication, it is more elegant than the other one.
Also, the characters and setting of any story are as important, if not more important than the plot itself. I'd suggest that you write short stories (3ish pages) about every meaningful character you have, and maybe even a long description of setting. You may incorporate these into your main story, but even if you don't, you'll have a better idea of what is going on in your story. Think of Asimov's robot series or foundation series. I bet you that he knew way more about those settings and characters than you read about in the books. Harry Potter is a great example of this too.
Hope this helps! Overall, I personally think it's a good start. |
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