[Girl Blog] Regret

About 3 months ago I posted about how I broke up with my at the time fiancé. I've been having serious doubts about that action the past couple of weeks. Insane doubts that lead to me being unable to eat most of the day and lack of sleep at night. Doubts that make me lose any and all motivation for school or work or anything for that matter. And I think I can classify this as the biggest mistake I've made in my life, and probably the biggest mistake I will ever make...

I still love her, yea I said it. I never moved on even though I thought it was what I wanted. I fucked up the biggest thing I had going for me at that time in my life. I seriously sit here and beat myself up every time I think of her about what I lost.

Two weeks ago I apologized, told her I fucked up. In a sad attempt to apologize and see if feelings were still there on her side as well she shot me down. Told me not to worry about it, that she was fine but she had indeed moved on and had completely checked out of the relationship. So in response to all this she invites me out with her and a couple of her friends(Looking back I should have saw the trap). We sit down and start into some drinking games and within 5 minutes she's holding hands and playing footsie with this guy. I call my friend since I'm a couple drinks in by this point and just leave. Not only crushed but completely pissed off about the way she's taking all of this. Later that night she goes on apologizing which leads to us fighting via text. Her continuing her night of drinking and me walking the streets of Kent, Ohio trying to find myself again.

Last Thursday we took a friend of ours out for her birthday to see Disney on Ice(Yea not something most 20 year olds do but it was fun). She chose to sit next to me, sits there the whole time rubbing her leg against mine, totally driving me nuts. I fight back the urge to hold her hand. We go home and I ask if we can talk alone. This leads to a drive around campus that last about 30 minutes which ends up in a fight about where we are. She's checked out, moved on, ready to just be friends, I'm not. She tells me she doesn't regret letting me go and handing me her ring back. That was the hardest part. Those 4 words are ingrained in my mind..."I don't regret it"... So after we finish out pissing match we drive home in silence. This is when she breaks down crying, and gets out of the car at her place without a word.

Two days ago I decide to try talking to her again, but this time in the form of an email so it doesn't end up in a fight like it did in the car ride. She has yet to talk to me. All I know is that her friends have told her to stop seeing and hanging out with me. That she shouldn't go back because I'll only do it again.

But this time it's different, at least to me it's different. I would do anything, give up anything, change anything just have her back.

People tell me I need to wait it out, that since I got my feelings on the table that the ball is in her court if she wants me back. That all I can do is stick around and show I'm willing. They say be positive, she'll be back. I was told we were a great couple and our love was easy to see that she can't just throw that away like I tried to to.

I got rid of her ring thinking that would solve it. It didn't, made everything worse and I can't even go back and get it.

Now I messed this all up, I was unhappy 3 months ago for unknown reasons. I was severely depressed and was working 60-70 hours a week at the time. It wasn't her fault. It was just so easy when I didn't have to see her everyday when I did it. I should have been a man and sat down and told her how I was feeling, we could have fixed it and totally avoided what I'm putting us through right now. She says she still Loves me and cares about me, and that's the only thing that gives me hope. The only real reason i have the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. That chance that maybe someday I'll get to hold her hand, run my fingers through her hair, or have her wake me up when she snuggles with me while we sleep....just one more time.

IF you read it thanks, I just needed to get it off my chest....again. If you guys learn anything from me. Sit down and talk. It solves a lot, and saves you from making stupid ass decisions based on nothing other than unhappiness that has nothing to do with the relationship. Don't leave something trashed and broken, try and fix it before it gets there.

Shotcoder - C+ BW Terran, Gold LoL(ADC Main)

hazelynut United States. October 06 2011 02:09. Posts 1999

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based on her actions, she hasn't forgotten about you yet and is probably unable to forget you. if you can open up an honest dialogue with her and tell her what you've told us, you can probably get back on the road to recovery.

fighting!

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Demonace34 United States. October 06 2011 02:22. Posts 2432

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Well that get together with her holding hands with another guy and playing footsies seemed to be to either make you hurt or see what your reaction would be. After that she starts flip flopping with her feelings and doesn't know what she wants to do yet.

Did you just apologize out of the blue 2 months after breaking up with her or have you been in contact the entire time?

My advice would be to stay in touch and not be overly needy/desperate or emotional.(turns off most girls). Be happy with yourself instead of relying solely on her for your "motivation to get out of bed in the morning".

Hope you are able to work stuff out with her though, I've had a similar situation happen and lost my girl for good.

OpticalShot Canada. October 06 2011 02:27. Posts 5929

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Deep story. As long as you stay consistent with your expressions and show to her that you were (and still are) sincere all along, she'll open up again. I'm not going to say this definitively, but I think the mix of emotions inside her is confusing her and once she sorts it out herself (with your help), she'll be back.

Best of luck!

[GBH] TL's #1 Girl Blog Hunter

HackBenjamin Canada. October 06 2011 02:33. Posts 978

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Don't take this shit. I personally have no patience for head games. I realize you are hurting, but sometimes the best thing to do is make your peace with it and move on.

Roses are red. Bacon is also red. Poems are hard. Bacon.

Schickysc Canada. October 06 2011 02:38. Posts 318

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Sorry to hear about your troubles. I read the whole thing, and even though i hope you get what you want and get her back, i cant help but think you may not be meant for each other. Granted i dont know you or your relationship outside of what you wrote, but in my eyes, true love never has the depth of doubts you had. I just proposed to my girlfriend on Monday.

True love isnt just about you. If leaving her, taking back the ring, and hurting her, making her cry, didnt absolutely break your heart, then either she isnt the one for you, or you arent ready for that responsibility yet.

Just my opinion. You sound like a good person. Just maybe unsure about everything. If you really really do want her back, then realize its not gonna happen fast, you broke her heart and it needs to heal. Be patient. You will have to show her over time that you will never ever again break her heart.

www.youtube.com/Schickysc - Shoot for the Moon, Find a Star

stk01001 United States. October 06 2011 02:52. Posts 784

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If you really want her back just let her go for a while and leave her alone. The more you grovel and contact her in an attempt to get her back, the weaker and more pathetic you will come off... most of the time this kind of stuff turns the girl off even more. DON'T go out with her when she's with her friends because guarantee her friends will constantly point out all your flaws to her.

Let her convince herself you've moved on, that you don't need her anymore. Show her your strong and independant, not weak and dependant. If there's any chance she's going to be attracted to you in "that way" again this is what you have to do. After maybe a few months hopefully she'll contact you in some way, or you will run into each other, then maybe try to make your move again, but don't seem desperate. Just ask her out for a drink to catch up.. then take it from there.. Going out and dating another girl might help too... just like she was trying to do to you at the bar, just turn the tables on her. I'm not guaranteeing this will work, but it will give you a better shot than begging and groveling.

My real advice to you is to just move on. There are tons of other woman out there, it's unhealthy to get so caught up in one girl, it will totally control your life. You need to realize there's tons of beautiful woman out there just craving attention from guys. Between bars, clubs, online dating, etc. it's really not that difficult to get dates nowadays. Moving on not only gives you a chance at getting your old girl back, it will lead to new opportunities to.

a.k.a reLapSe ---

The Black United States. October 06 2011 02:52. Posts 222

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Forget it. Move on completely.

Phyre United States. October 06 2011 03:10. Posts 1227

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Without knowing you or your situation all that much I won't try to give advice, it would probably be incorrect.

That said, regret is one of those things that really holds me down. When I regret things it gnaws at me for years, even for little things. I can only imagine what you must be going through in a situation like this. Best of luck man. Whether or not she comes back to you I hope things work out for the best and you can be happy again.

Just remember, there are many paths to happiness.

"Oh no, I got you with your pants... on your face... That's not how you wear pants." - Nintu, catching 1 hatch lurks.

Ruffian United States. October 06 2011 03:39. Posts 369

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Damn man I totally feel for you. I'm currently in the process of getting over a break up and my best advice for you is to not attempt communication. Chances are she won't respond and it's just going to make you feel worse. You should never have to beg for someone to take you back, it's either they want to be with you or they don't, they shouldn't need convincing. Try and move on with your life, there is so much more out there.

I wish you the best of luck.

There's a class for this (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

qrs United States. October 06 2011 03:46. Posts 3498

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On October 06 2011 02:09 hazelynut wrote:
based on her actions, she hasn't forgotten about you yet and is probably unable to forget you. if you can open up an honest dialogue with her and tell her what you've told us, you can probably get back on the road to recovery.

fighting!

I agree with this. Here's a proverb that I'm fond of:

"As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man to man." (Proverbs 27:19). One thing it's taken to mean, I think is that one person's heart reflects another. If you still have feelings for her, she probably still has feelings for you as well. As hazelynut says, her actions seem to show that too.

Of course you can't expect her to just rush back together with you (if that's what you want): she's afraid to get hurt again. Wouldn't you be? I wouldn't count on that happening either, but if it helps to know it, I'm pretty sure that you still matter to her and probably in some ways always will. You can't just forget about someone you've loved.

'As per the American Heart Association, the beat of the Bee Gees song "Stayin' Alive" provides an ideal rhythm in terms of beats per minute to use for hands-only CPR. One can also hum Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust".' —Wikipedia

GigaFlop United States. October 06 2011 04:20. Posts 1143

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Go be awesome. Go have fun. Go do stuff that makes you feel good about yourself.

Something you might wanna try is being awesome, happy, and successful. Any combination should work, but the more you have, the better.

（╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ "Shift-Q oftentimes makes a capital Q" - Day[9] || iNcontrol - Alligator from heaven = ^

qrs United States. October 06 2011 04:31. Posts 3498

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I don't mean to rub it in, but it's kind of fascinating comparing this blog to the one you wrote at the time:

On July 01 2011 11:14 Shotcoder wrote:
I woke up this morning feeling like a new man. I knew at that moment I had made the right choice and that I would be alright. My Co-workers being the badasses they are, saved me too. Made me not think about it, made me laugh, made me smile, made me realize the world wasn't over and I thank each and every one of them for that. And as sickening as it sounds, from Noon today to now there has been a big smile of happiness across my face that I have missed for a long time. I also felt the weight of all the expectations and all the sorrow lift off my shoulders.

I would also like to thank Sick Puppies, had it not been for their song "Maybe" I doubt I would have had the strength of will to do it. They made me realize what a fool I was, and what I was actually afraid. Myself and change.

Endymion United States. October 06 2011 04:37. Posts 2477

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Feel better, eat some nutella or something, hit the gym, ladder, then hit the fucking clubs. Pretend you're rekrul, you'll feel better. Tell the girls at the club that your name is rekrul, it's fun!

It left us speechless, quite speechless I tell you, and we have not stopped talking of it since.

Xyik Canada. October 06 2011 04:42. Posts 606

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Sorry to hear about this. It seems like she still has feelings about you but is feeling hurt / betrayed / being advised by people not to get back together with you, so if you yourself really think she still has feelings (and you really think you made the biggest mistake of your life -- you sure you can't be just as happy with someone else?) then don't stop trying to fix your mistake.

Shotcoder United States. October 06 2011 07:47. Posts 1420

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On October 06 2011 04:31 qrs wrote:
I don't mean to rub it in, but it's kind of fascinating comparing this blog to the one you wrote at the time:

Show nested quote +

It's not rubbing it in, It's realizing I had my eyes on a blonde at work, working 70 hours a week, and not seeing her that made it so easy. I read that old blog post and made my stomach turn at how confident I was I made the right choice, how stupid I was to just leave 3 1/2 years trashed and broken.

It was during this three months I realized I wasn't what I wanted to be, that I wasn't what i should have been to her. And that she was indeed the one. I've dated 3 completely different girls since we broke up and you know how painful it is to sit across the table from them and wish it was her?

And this is after 3 months on constantly seeing each other. We go to the same school and have the same group of friends, as well as live in the same apartment complex. The apology was out of the blue, but it wasn't just randomly talking to her again.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm just trying to not drive my self crazy right now. You guys are right, I should just back off and give her the space she needs and hope I haven't lost her completely.

Shotcoder - C+ BW Terran, Gold LoL(ADC Main)

ketomai United States. October 06 2011 08:08. Posts 2409

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Aw man dude, she was nice