I wrote this a long while back, and have since changed my perspective which will be shown in the next two blog posts. Just posting it to record the development of my thoughts and behaviours. The health problems I talk about still exist today, though.
***
To Die or Live?
I've come to the lowest of my lows. There remains only one question: Is there even a point to life? Why do I keep living, and why am I still alive? Those questions are easily answered by the fact that I have a supportive family(more notably a very close sister). But I realize now how little I have outside of a cozy family home back in Toronto.
***
To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause: there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life; For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, The insolence of office and the spurns That patient merit of the unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action. - Soft you now! The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons Be all my sins remember'd.
I used to know this soliloquy off by heart. It was and still is very important to me, as is the whole play itself.
***
My appetite is just doing its own thing. In the middle of the night I'll be ravenous but during the day I can't even eat half my dinner. I usually don't have lunch except for a granola bar once in a while and breakfasts are PBJ. Nothing appeals to me anymore. All food just tastes bland and looks grey. It's pointless to try to make something interesting because it won't taste good. I just don't have the energy.
My breathing problems started about a year ago. I noticed I couldn't "catch" my breath anymore. You know that feeling you get after you fall on your chest, or get hit, and you can't get back to that full feeling. You eventually, after a few moments, feel normal again. I've been stuck like that for 3 years. It feels like I'm breathing through a carbon filter from a water filter. I can hear that wheezing sound when things are quiet. I've also had this cold that just won't seem to go away even after a year. I often go through long hacking coughs and after I feel like throwing up.
I have psoriasis. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psoriasis It started flaring up a couple Springs ago, right in great timing for my first year of university. The red blotches of cells on top of my skin used to be everywhere. It's receded to islands of red on my elbows, with some 1 inch patches scattered on my legs, arms, scalp, and dick believe it or not. Even without the psoriasis I have itchy, dry skin and scalp. Using head and shoulders shampoo and showering often helps to mediate the frustration. The itching still gets so bad that I start to bleed on my hands. Sometimes it hurts to just move because the skin is so dry, and so fragile. The dermatologist said that people with psoriasis can often have arthritis, and I've been getting that feeling lately. The worst part is that there is no cure. It's never going away, and I'll have to keep fighting it as long as I live.
The itching is usually what keeps me up at night. It's not just in one spot or in a few, it's anywhere and everywhere on me. Realistically there's a new itch every 3 seconds, and I try to play games and stay on the computer to keep my mind off my skin as best I can. What's worse is they usually come in multiple prongs of attacks, like some Zerg doing a baneling drop in the main and at the same time he's Muta harassing another base. Going to a new town and ascending to university was supposed to be my chance to come out in full bloom! My sexual revolution that never truly came about was only slightly witnessed by Team Liquid, reminds me of Quebec. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quiet_Revolution
The other problem I have with sleeping is my mind keeps going for hours. I will literally lie in bed for 3 to 5 hours. I try to move around and get in a comfortable position, but I can never get in one where my nose isn't blocked up and my skin doesn't start itching. I end up just wasting the night and having to go with 3 or 4 hours of sleep, waking up in a daze only reminiscent of a hangover. I'm going to check out if I can get some tests done at the university's sleep labs. I just keep obsessing neurotically over my problems.
***
I can't wait for the weekend to come but when it does, I'm listless and depressed and with nowhere to go. I remember there's nothing different on the weekend, just a lack of classes that might have helped pull me out of the holes in which I fall.
click 7 times to signify the left, breathing up, click 3 times for down breathing out, click 3 times for up breathing up, click another 7. Both sides are equal. Breathing is equal. Good. I feel complete. I've had this since I was 7. I don't think I've ever told anyone about it. When I've told them I have OCD people seem to laugh it off as if everyone has these compulsions
I don't even care about school anymore. I stopped reading the textbooks weeks ago, I'm just winging everything and somehow doing well. I sleep in and miss some classes, and dread going to the rest. I think I need to do something more applied...less thinking and just more action like working with machines or construction or photography. Not sure how long I'll have this much luck while being so uninterested.
I just want to stay in bed all day. Sometimes I'm so tired I can barely get to my desk right next to my bed to get on the computer so I can stay awake. When I wake up there's a horrible pain in my chest, and my breathing is extremely stifled. The only way to describe it is that I feel like I'm dying. My body feels broken inside, like a blackened, hollowed carcass. I feel the whites of my eyes appear as if Death is at the end of my bed.
***
My birthday came and went like the fall breeze that accompanies late September. A few people said happy birthday on facebook, they weren't even my two real friends. Even the girl that kept turning me down for a date said happy birthday. I don't know if there's anything to really make out of that. I end up just walking around without a care. It's helped me to speak and experiment with socializing at least. I just don't even care that they didn't say happy birthday. If we don't see each other for years, then whatever.
I've never had a girl or boyfriend. Never had sex or made out, or kissed. There was one girl who was awesome and beautiful that I really started to get to know, and I really felt close to her, but I messed things up with her when I was addicted to WoW. Now those were the days. WoW's really the only thing that feels good and gets my mind going-I still need that fix after all these years. The chemicals we make in our head can certainly be very addictive.
I don't know what to do. I keep falling into this vicious cycle no matter what or how hard I try. I'm starting to siphon off some of my landlord/roommate's liquor. I might try drinking before doing presentations or going to seminars as well. Might be fun.
***
Sometimes all I can hope for is to finish my novella. This song inspires me to write about the grand schemes of humanity: the inevitable gradual fall of civilizations, the triumph of evil over good, the political games and trickery, and the stories of individuals that are effected by and affect the world. I want to illustrate the very process of society's destruction, and the journey of the mind from naive simplicity to wisdom and the changes that come to people through times of great upheaval and strife. And of course, the restoration of it all.
With all the incredible highs there always accompanies the harshest lows. Is it really worth it to keep going on like this?
I wish I could go back before puberty hit, when all I could think of were good, clear, unadulterated thoughts. I had so much hope then. I had feelings. I loved others, but I didn't feel so bad.
I read Dr Helvetica's blog post about wanting to kill himself, it's somehow disappeared since ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eliot-schrefer/five-scientific-reasons-n_b_126526.html I did find another, heartwarming post by someone else), but it reminds me that all my problems are probably stupid and not worth killing myself over. Even when the good Doctor was that depressed, he still had to write. He still had to do something. All I can do is keep playing this song until I fall asleep. I wonder if I'll want to wake up next morning.
Great read. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this because I got to have a slight feel to view life through your eyes. I can relate on some levels but no where near your extent; specifically about the loneliness and how wow helped fixed that but yet sort of aided to the loneliness. Even though I'm in a better place now I miss that connection which I hope to renew when I get a better computer and guildwars2 comes out; of course with a healthier attitude.
I had a slight concern when you mentioned how you had been drinking and you might want to drink when you go to class. I became a little concerned because I've spent a good portion of my teenage years being involved in drugs and spent a good about of time in rehab and N/A meetings and I saw a slight glimpse of what could be a start for you. Often drugs are just used as an escape and people use them to bottle feelings and forget what bothers them so often. This was me. I led my self into depression always feeling an emptiness in my life at a young age. I found an outlet although it wasn't the right one it made things seem better for the moment. I'm not here to say that your are in the process of becoming addicted but It is a concern that came to mind when I read that.
Suicide is often a thought played with when we go through depression. I won't say much about it because I don't feel it is a thought you are going to be taking seriously but I do feel it was a normal thought because when I was in depression I also though about it as well but after a while I got better and realized how silly I was to think of that but I dont think you will be going through with it. Besides all the shit you have to go through, you seem like a smart person and seem like you yourself know that this isn't the answer.
After I was done reading this It made me feel grateful for what I have and made me view others on how blessed they are and little they know of that. When I complain about little random stuff to my gf she usually tells me well at least you have food to eat. Everytime she says something like that I feel that its stupid to say that as if its going to solve my problem or change my perspective. I understand why she says it, so i don't worry as much about it and don't over stress or over think it. I am grateful for what I have been given and for the life I have but its not something that passes my mind on a daily basis. Reading this helped me feel good because I'm not in the best place in my life at the moment having being laid off from the 1st job I can truly say I was happy there I was working as a personal trainer and working alongside my passion and people that shared that and I lost it instantly due to some budget cuts, I almost cried. and with my bills piling up, daily concerns, trying to get back into school, trying to get a job, trying to support my family(I have a son), my concern of all of this stress seem to die down a little and I felt a little better about my situation. Although I know it is only a temporary feeling, I'm happy that it changed my perspective for the time being maybe its what I needed to help push me a little harder.
Looking forward to part two.
Last edit: 2011-11-02 02:12:42
HwangjaeTerran Finland. November 02 2011 02:03. Posts 4971
I had this for about a year and didn't know it was pneumonia.....Feels like a cold....chest hurts cant catch your breath even if you are lying down....Coughing stuff up.....I know exactly what you are going through in that department......Get a Z-Pack (antibiotics) from a doctor and you will feel good in 3 days! go to a doctor man!
No matter how powerful the sorcerer, a knife between the shoulderblades will seriously cramp his style
On November 02 2011 01:57 Obstikal wrote: Great read. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this because I got to have a slight feel to view life through your eyes. I can relate on some levels but no where near your extent; specifically about the loneliness and how wow helped fixed that but yet sort of aided to the loneliness. Even though I'm in a better place now I miss that connection which I hope to renew when I get a better computer and guildwars2 comes out; of course with a healthier attitude.
As long as I can play on the PTR every once in a while, my relationship with WoW should be relatively secure. It gives me the chance to experience some of that pleasure without the risk of using it as self medication for my troubles. It's when I have a concurrent character that I start to care too much about that world and things get pretty bad. My new laptop can play WoW on maxed settings with about 40-60 fps, it's pretty.
I had a slight concern when you mentioned how you had been drinking and you might want to drink when you go to class. I became a little concerned because I've spent a good portion of my teenage years being involved in drugs and spent a good about of time in rehab and N/A meetings and I saw a slight glimpse of what could be a start for you. Often drugs are just used as an escape and people use them to bottle feelings and forget what bothers them so often. This was me. I led my self into depression always feeling an emptiness in my life at a young age. I found an outlet although it wasn't the right one it made things seem better for the moment. I'm not here to say that your are in the process of becoming addicted but It is a concern that came to mind when I read that.
I've always known that I have an addictive personality; I get dependent on things to such a deeply neurotic and destructive level. This was always my ultimatum with WoW: At least I'm not drinking, at least it's just a video game and I'm not really doing much harm to myself. Of course this was only slightly true. But, on the whole, I think I'm keeping it under control right now.
Suicide is often a thought played with when we go through depression. I won't say much about it because I don't feel it is a thought you are going to be taking seriously but I do feel it was a normal thought because when I was in depression I also though about it as well but after a while I got better and realized how silly I was to think of that but I dont think you will be going through with it. Besides all the shit you have to go through, you seem like a smart person and seem like you yourself know that this isn't the answer.
indeed, it's why i took refuge in the last song, Life's Been Good. Although it reminds me of a quote often said about war, that it's mostly long periods of tedium interrupted by great clashes of adrenaline(cant remember exactly). In the same way I keep wavering between living life to its fullest and killing myself, so much that it kind of forces me, like two same pole magnets, in between the two yet never reaching either.
After I was done reading this It made me feel grateful for what I have and made me view others on how blessed they are and little they know of that. When I complain about little random stuff to my gf she usually tells me well at least you have food to eat. Everytime she says something like that I feel that its stupid to say that as if its going to solve my problem or change my perspective. I understand why she says it, so i don't worry as much about it and don't over stress or over think it. I am grateful for what I have been given and for the life I have but its not something that passes my mind on a daily basis. Reading this helped me feel good because I'm not in the best place in my life at the moment having being laid off from the 1st job I can truly say I was happy there I was working as a personal trainer and working alongside my passion and people that shared that and I lost it instantly due to some budget cuts, I almost cried. and with my bills piling up, daily concerns, trying to get back into school, trying to get a job, trying to support my family(I have a son), my concern of all of this stress seem to die down a little and I felt a little better about my situation. Although I know it is only a temporary feeling, I'm happy that it changed my perspective for the time being maybe its what I needed to help push me a little harder.
Looking forward to part two.
Well that puts a smile on my face Thanks, and don't forget to keep fighting for that greater goal of your life, as humble as you are.
On November 02 2011 02:53 MaliciousMirth wrote: Walking Pnuemonia!
I had this for about a year and didn't know it was pneumonia.....Feels like a cold....chest hurts cant catch your breath even if you are lying down....Coughing stuff up.....I know exactly what you are going through in that department......Get a Z-Pack (antibiotics) from a doctor and you will feel good in 3 days! go to a doctor man!
i've got an apointment on the 19th with a "chest doctor". i really hope he can find something to help.
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Thanks, and don't forget to keep fighting for that greater goal of your life, as humble as you are.
