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 SirJolt Ireland. November 16 2011 09:06. Posts 2203 | Profile Blog # |
On September 17 2011 11:04 Serejai wrote:
I cordially challenge you to a Skyrim blog grudgematch upon release! ... May the best adventurer win!
I guess this is my response to the gauntlet being thrown down. I'll use this blog post to document some of my experiences as a man who is, essentially, incapable of playing RPGs correctly.
Fair Warning: Some very minor spoilers from here on, not for plot, but for environment I guess.
The Sickness in Skyrim:
There's something about the way Elder Scrolls games open that's a strange look at one aspect of the world; on arriving in Morrowind and I engaged with the imperial bureaucracy so that I could get my passport, I had fun with Captain Picard as we escaped his creepy S&M dungeon, and Skyrim had me navigate a series of basements in a seedy no-name town.
A few hours later, having painstakingly disengaged myself from anything that might be mistaken for the plot, I found myself roving across a blasted tundra, snow whipping from the hills in a fine mist. A blizzard descended on me, and I found myself shivering, lost on a mountainside and miles from anywhere. I hadn't yet figured out how to fast travel, so my method of transportation was still walk-wherever-you-need-to-get.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/2HWFt.jpg) No Mom, I'm not underdressed; I'm cosplaying as a sexy barbarian.... no, it's ironic . God!
With the cold closing in around me, I clutched my sword, the only weapon I yet possessed with some flame enchantment, and hoped it would keep me safe. I wrapped myself in my blanket and sat there, my hands numb with the frozen grip of that midnight blizzard.
I still remember the exact moment when I thought,
Fuck, if I don't get to a town soon, I'm going to die out here, I'm going to die out here on my own in the cold and nobody will ever know, and that'll be the way Skyrim ends for me.
At no point had it occurred to me that there was anything unreasonable about this line of reasoning, until I died and found myself shunted back to warmer latitudes. I looked around at the sun, the trees, a butterly and, not far off, a waterfall. I looked down at my quivering hands and realised that, just maybe, something was off.
As it happens, I've got some fierce variety of flu, a flu for which a man of my poet's constitution is poorly suited. Naturally, in the interest of enhancing the narrative, I continued to play in the vague hope that I could tease as much out of Skyrim as possible while I was still capable of drawing only the faintest of lines between "me" and the "me" of Skyrim. I would indulge this strange, quasi-hallucinatory state as fully as possible... and it proved beautiful.
Dragons:
Skyrim, for those who haven't yet indulged, is beset by dragons. I have now "killed" four dragons. I feel like a champion, an accomplished wyrmslayer. Mighty would be the beast that felled me. I have stripped their bodies of scales and bones, that I might gain strange powers and profit on the hunting I've done.
Of course, I am also a con man.
One:
My first dragon landed outside town, and a militia was formed to hunt it. I had no place in such a militia; they were well kitted out, and I was scrawny, flighty, a novice archer with a poor bow. Still, if these brave men would die to save their town, I couldn't let them go alone. If there would be tragedy, I would be there to see it happen, I would be with them as they ran to hide.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/RGPLe.jpg) I tried to explain, but they got the impression that this had happened.
We encountered the dragon by an old tower, and as its shadow darkened the yellowed grass around me, I was overcome by a fit of heroism. I dashed to the tower, rounding landing after landing on my journey to the top. These men needed an archer, and I was to be that man.
By the time I'd reached the top, the dragon was already near death; he had landed to better combat the veritable A-team sent to confront him. I loosed a few arrows, but the angle proved too acute; they had killed him by the time I got downstairs.
They made me a lord for that... in shame, I left, never to return. I would wander the world until I found another dragon.
Two:
Having failed so utterly, I decided that perhaps the way of the archer was beyond me. I wasn't cut out for this sneak-and-shoot business. Having to carry arrows is silly anyway, what I wanted to be was a mage - so I joined wizard school. It's essentially Harry Potter, only I'm not the chosen one and the whole college is Slytherin.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Ypi6o.jpg) This is not how the fight went down at all.
Having joined, I was shown to my room, where I stowed all of my old equipment. I wouldn't be needing a bow anymore; I was a wizard now. I would harness arcane powers, bend the laws of phsyics to my will, and reach out to rupture the meaty husks of my opponents. As I crossed the hall to my first lecture, a dragon attacked the college. Now carrying no weapons, I quickly equipped the spells I had learned so far, mage-light and a lesser ward.
In a fit of desperation, sure I'd die, I illuminated the beast's claw and hid behind my pathetic shield.
The other wizards killed the dragon, searing it with raking energies and rending its flesh. I, as was fast becoming my way, lept upon the broken hulk of its corpse and stripped it of valuable pieces. Again, they congratulated me on my contribution, my shocking capacity to deal damage to enormous reptiles.
I am not proud of what I did, but I had become addicted to the presitge.
Three:
The third dragon I encountered quite by accident. A local lord, somehow given to the impression that I was some sort of master-huntsman, had given me a bounty on some rogue chieftan. If I were to track him, the bounty would be mine. I figured, I've seen two dragons and not died, one bandit can't be so much trouble.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/NArl2.jpg) Lessons Learned: 1) Giants and Mammoths are natural allies, or at least bros.
2) Giants beat the shit out of dragons without breaking a sweat, I guess.
As I walked out to survey his hideout and perhaps pick of straggling guards (I had by now given up on being a mage, it seemed a silly thing to do, magic is for fairies), an eerily familiar shriek echoed overhead, and the grass darkened again. A dragon was tracking me... this would be the end.
I did what any good confidence trickster would do; I ran. I ran and hid behind something bigger, in this case a mammoth. The dragon immediately dispatched the mammoth and now found itself facing down an angry giant, to whom the mammoth had once belonged.
The enraged giant quickly bested the dragon, and while he mourned his fallen mammoth, I crept in (by now I had decided I might be best suited to the path of rogue) and stole everything of worth from the draconian corpse.
I stand before you now, SirJolt, wyrmslayer of no small renown. A lord, a mage, a rogue and, under it all, a lie.
+ Show Spoiler +Well Jai, here are my 1k words. Gauntlet down, grudgeblog born. Last edit: 2011-11-16 09:13:59
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| | I write an advice column for amateur necromancers; feel free to ask anything you like - http://necromanswers.com/ |
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 flamewheel HANG KANG. November 16 2011 09:14. Posts 21497 | Profile Blog # |
| I always love your blogs. |
| | Clouds are making way for me. | |
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| Roe Canada. November 16 2011 09:16. Posts 5141 | Profile Blog # |
| what's the irony under the first picture? |
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| Finskie Sweden. November 16 2011 09:20. Posts 390 | Profile Blog # |
| haha this is surprisingly accurate for my first character aswell, although i never managed to get the sneakpart so the giants always powerstomp me 400 meters in the air. (seriously try it, it's hilarious) |
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| XXGeneration United States. November 16 2011 09:23. Posts 607 | Profile Blog # |
On November 16 2011 09:06 SirJolt wrote:
"...I am not proud of what I did, but I had become addicted to the presitge..."
this could tip serajai's over yours!
+ Show Spoiler +just kidding, amazing as always SirJolt! Last edit: 2011-11-16 09:23:26 |
| | "I was so surprised when I first played StarCraft 2. I couldn't believe that such an easy game exists... I guess the best way to attract people these days is to make things easy and simple." -Midas |
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| m0e Thailand. November 16 2011 09:26. Posts 3 | Profile # | |
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| Probe1 United States. November 16 2011 09:54. Posts 16445 | Profile Blog # |
This could very well shake the entire world of blogsports. Every problogger has seen where the bar is set.
Edit: I'm highly suspicious that you legitimately killed your 4th dragon. It's exclusion from your blog raises questions. What became of it? In what scenario did you meet it? Did you land a killing blow at last?
Very suspicious.
Post post script: I am also suspicious of Serejai 1 starring this on alt accounts. Curious, curious.Last edit: 2011-11-16 09:57:54 |
| | 우정호 KT_VIOLET 1988 - 2012 While we are postponing, life speeds by | |
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| Stijx United States. November 16 2011 10:03. Posts 786 | Profile Blog # |
I was enjoying the blog until the picture with the caption "This is not how the fight went down at all". At that point I spit out my Dannon yogurt and lol'd until my dog got angry.
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| Kenpachi United States. November 16 2011 10:12. Posts 9008 | Profile Blog # |
On November 16 2011 09:16 Roe wrote:
what's the irony under the first picture?
its ironic  |
| | I'm definitely in my zone. |
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| OmniEulogy Canada. November 16 2011 10:13. Posts 2164 | Profile Blog # |
| oh my god. Top quality as always SirJolt. I love it ^^ |
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| Roe Canada. November 16 2011 10:33. Posts 5141 | Profile Blog # |
On November 16 2011 10:12 Kenpachi wrote:
Show nested quote +On November 16 2011 09:16 Roe wrote:
what's the irony under the first picture?
its ironic
ugh, i get it now |
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 heyoka Administrator November 16 2011 11:00. | Profile Blog # |
| I think Jolt is going to win this grudge handily |
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 MoonBear November 16 2011 12:52. Posts 7543 | Profile Blog # |
| I look forward to your further adventures. ^^ |
| | ／人 ◕ ‿‿ ◕ 人＼ A dream. Do you have one that has cursed you like that? Or maybe... a wish? |
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| UltimateHurl Ireland. November 16 2011 19:59. Posts 554 | Profile Blog # |
| "Oh man, I totally just saw a dragon die, I can't wait to write about it on my blog" - how I will now see all the valiant warriors in Skyrim. Ruining the meta-game! (5/5, nicely done, hope you are recovering from the flu ) |
| | @ultimatehurl | ultimatehurl.tumblr.com | http://www.facebook.com/UltimateHurl |
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| Mobius_1 United Kingdom. November 16 2011 21:16. Posts 2719 | Profile Blog # |
I named my hero Bisu. I think I should win.
Really curious what Serejai is going to do.
BTW, what are at stake for this GB? There needs to be something involving Kpop and an apology of some sort, even if the challenge was cordial. |
| | Starleague Forever. RIP KT Violet~ |
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| OpticalShot Canada. November 16 2011 21:24. Posts 5929 | Profile Blog # |
| Grudgeblog, now that's just fantastic! We can witness the epic battle of the words and pictures without having to catch a stream at some unfortunate time. Pleasure to read as always, 5/5 |
| | [GBH] TL's #1 Girl Blog Hunter |
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| Serejai November 17 2011 08:52. Posts 2979 | Profile Blog # |
On November 16 2011 11:00 heyoka wrote:
I think Jolt is going to win this grudge handily
PISS OFF.
Everyone knows what to expect from SirJolt. Nobody knows what to expect from me. I'm a wild card!
More on topic, my blog will be coming sometime next week. I actually haven't even been able to pick up my copy yet as I've been too busy... but I have all of next week to do as I please.
I shall slay you, SirJolt, as you wish you could slay dragons. |
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| Probulous Australia. November 17 2011 09:33. Posts 3784 | Profile Blog # |
On November 17 2011 08:52 Serejai wrote:
Show nested quote +On November 16 2011 11:00 heyoka wrote:
I think Jolt is going to win this grudge handily
PISS OFF. Everyone knows what to expect from SirJolt. Nobody knows what to expect from me. I'm a wild card!More on topic, my blog will be coming sometime next week. I actually haven't even been able to pick up my copy yet as I've been too busy... but I have all of next week to do as I please. I shall slay you, SirJolt, as you wish you could slay dragons.
I expect a blog next week Mr Wild Card
Jolt has runs on the board, gonna have to be a one hell of a blog to overcome that deficit. However given SirJolt's dismal slaying skills it appears that knights weren't as legendary as once thought. |
| | "Dude has some really interesting midgame switches that I wouldn't have expected. "I violated your house" into "HIHO THE DAIRY OH!" really threw me. You don't usually expect children's poetry harass as a follow up " - AmericanUmlaut |
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| Trozz Canada. November 17 2011 16:07. Posts 2177 | Profile Blog # |
Pretty good tale, Jolt.
Dragons are crazy business.
Magic is so fun. |
| | ☆+・ﾟ*｡・.ヽ（ ﾟヮﾟ）ﾉ.・ﾟ*｡・+☆ ?topic_id=406921 R.I.P. |
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