Finns (from Winnland)

Up in the northern hemisphere, residing near the arctic circle there is a folk of people called the Finns. They inhabit a land where the sun doesn’t shine during the winter, and the sun never sets during the summer. This is a very cold folk.

Now I’m sure many of you have heard of this before, The Finns. Most recently our country was host to the ASUS ROG tournament. Now you may have gotten a taste of the Finnish culture by simply watching it. Polt raising his fist up high in Triumph, and all you hear is a the quite content clapping of the audience.

And he looked so happy too

Finns are always emotionally cold, in most situations. They also are incredibly introverted. You approach a lady and she’ll look at you like you’re some kind of freak that just escaped the Psych-ward. No one talks to each other in bus stops, elevators or any other public places. Any non-friend interaction is strictly business.

Small talk only happens between alcoholics here

This incredible introversion disappears once you give a Finn some alcohol. Now, the Finns are huge lovers of Vodka. They drink tonnes of Vodka. Must have been the close relation to Russia that brought that habit over. But, Vodka is really expensive here. This makes the most popular drink amongst the Finns “SuomiViina”, which translates to “FINLANDBOOZE”. The cheapest stuff you can find, and a relatively high ABV, gives it a really high popularity rate.

A popular side effect

Now there are some theories as to why the Finns drink so much booze. The general consensus is that Finns drink so much booze because it is really cold up here. I mean, it can get really cold. Like -51.5C cold. Now for people that don’t have a point of comparison for those kinds of temperatures, “Why can’t I feel my face. Also, why is my face as stiff as a brick”.

The thermometer really sinks that low during winter

Now, I have some experience with the cold. I can tell you that -30C is actually quite pleasant, if you wear a hat. I made the mistake of taking a walk outside this winter at -34C without a hat. I manged to break some blood vessels in my ears. If you felt them, they where rock hard, until you went inside. I can tell you from experience, that the thawing of body parts is not a pleasant experience.

It all starts off with you stepping into a nice warm, cozy place. After about 5 minutes, you realise you can feel a tingling in your ears. Suddenly, they will feel like someone has held a match to your ears while simultaneously pricking it with a thousand needles. The ears where then swollen for a few weeks afterwards and are still sensitive to the cold. My only regret is that it was uncomfortable to wear headphones with swollen ears.

Anyways, besides having to deal with the cold and getting wasted, the Finns also enjoy woods. In fact, they enjoy the woods so much that most Finns own at least 5 square kilometers of land. And if you are thinking of lush forests, think again.

Pine Trees, as far as the eye can see

Now, you would think, what would a Finn do with that much forest? Well the answer is build a “Mökki” (A cabin) with a sauna of course. But this Mökki can’t just be built anywhere, it has to be built next to a body of water, so that when the Finn visits his home in Solitude (pun intended), he can dive into it after going to the sauna.

No one said they had to be small

An essential part to every mökki is a sauna. There can never be enough saunas. Every Finn must own at least 2 Sauna’s, and at least one of those you have to build yourself. If you are feeling extra rich, you’ll add on a “savusauna” or “smokesauna”. This kind of sauna involves filling the entire sauna with smoke, waiting for it to settle, and the hoping that it won’t kill you.

While in the sauna, the Finns also have many cleansing rituals. First off the sauna has to be entered naked. If you don’t go naked, you haven’t actually cleaned yourself. The next step is to get a beverage, this is usually some beer. They then go through a process of flogging themselves with “vihta” or “vasta” (Depending if you are east or west). These are basically sticks with leaves on them. You hit yourselves with these and you will smell nice. The final step to the cleansing ritual is to exit the sauna, and run around in the snow naked.

Nothing like chilling out after going to the sauna

The Finns love their Sauna so much, that a Russian died in a sauna trying to outlast one.

Well, the sauna and the mökki only use some of the available space. What about the rest of it? Well, I’m glad that you asked. The rest of the forested space is used to breed and raise polar bears. Polar bears? That’s right, Polar bears. Polar bears the sole method of transportation up here, and are widely use to assist in the herding of reindeer. In fact, herding reindeer is such a popular pass time up here, that we even have reindeer races.

I would get my own polar bear if it didn’t eat so much

Reindeer herding is a long and prided tradition up here. But reindeer are not the only animals up here (besides polar bears). We have wolves, wolverines, moose and bears. The reason we domesticated the polar bear was the over abundance of predators up here. We have to protect the reindeer somehow. Recently, the wild polar bears have become a protected species, being mainly domesticated now. There is strong evidence that the wild bears have acquired some secret technology, putting them ahead of their competition. We suspect that a foreign power may be involved.

They’re coming
+ Show Spoiler +

Asides from the impending invasion of bears with jet packs, the Finns also like to eat. Besides reindeer, the Finns only eat Elk, salmon, potatoes, porridge and berries. Lots and lots of berries. In fact, there are so many berries in the fall here, that you can walk into any forest and just start picking away. The Finns also have special delicacies including Mämmi, Rössypottu and peasoup.

Doesn’t this Mämmi just look delicious?

These delicacies are often given to the soldiers since they make the soldiers stronger and fight harder.

Just look at our track record

And do you want to know how we beat back the communist invasion? With logs. That’s right. Each and everyone of our soldiers was armed to the teeth with logs. Clothes are also not permitted during combat, as to strike fear into the hearts of the enemy. All the logs are made of birch, as it is considered the wood of kings up here, being one of the only leaf trees that actually survive. The battle taktiks involves a complex set of maneuvers in which more than 30 Finns come together in a pack. They then drink a bottle of Vodka each and charge the enemy head on, throwing logs as they go. This causes the enemy to yell in terror and fall over in the snow as they flee. The Finns then proceed to club the survivors to death.

Of course, non of the Finnish society would function without a key ingredient, Coffee. A Finn consumes an average of 12kg of coffee every year. That is 1-2 pots of coffee everyday. And the Finns sure need it, they have to get up at night during the winter after all (since you know, the sun doesn’t actually rise).

Tasty, tasty coffee

And even in the summer, it doesn’t actually slow down the coffee consumption, as the sun never sets. You can read a newspaper at midnight, its that darn bright, how do you expect us to sleep? Especially with our bonfires and all that.

It’s midnight. You don’t believe me do you?

Along with this ritual of lighting giant fires during a very dry period in a country made almost entirely out of wood, we also like to sacrifice goats. Why do we sacrifice goats? No one knows, but we do it anyways.

+ Show Spoiler +

Last edit: 2012-03-01 05:45:40

zezamer Finland. February 29 2012 22:33. Posts 1805

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You summarized common stereotypes pretty well :D

Cephiro Finland. February 29 2012 22:40. Posts 662

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Agree with the above comment. I do have to say, I enjoy riding my polar bear to university every morning. He can be a bit grumpy in the mornings sometimes though...

MrBitter United States. February 29 2012 23:18. Posts 2854

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Awesome post. Loved my time in Finnland. Gotta say, the thread needs more Fuzer.

edit:

Also surprised that you didn't mention the Finnish obsession with the sauna.

I never expected to see a naked Elfi when I went to Assembly. But life rarely throws you what you expect....

Last edit: 2012-02-29 23:19:17

BadBinky Finland. February 29 2012 23:23. Posts 594

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I agree you summarize the common stereotypes well and it's scary how much of it is actually true :D

It's more important to be tough than to have any fun.

nttea Sweden. February 29 2012 23:37. Posts 4062

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winnland got nothing on proland imo

also i believe the finnish word for vodka and water are the same, at least it doesn't seem to be any difference to when/how much they drink of it!

Last edit: 2012-02-29 23:38:29

Mattchew United States. February 29 2012 23:43. Posts 5120

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I love coffee

There is always tomorrow nshs.seal.

Keltanokka Finland. February 29 2012 23:48. Posts 272

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On February 29 2012 23:18 MrBitter wrote:
Awesome post. Loved my time in Finnland. Gotta say, the thread needs more Fuzer.

edit:

Also surprised that you didn't mention the Finnish obsession with the sauna.

I never expected to see a naked Elfi when I went to Assembly. But life rarely throws you what you expect....

Darnit, I knew I had forgotten something. I even asked some of my friends that read through this what it was that I had forgotten, but no one mentioned the sauna.

Otolia France. February 29 2012 23:55. Posts 3049

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What your OP don't say is that finnish girls are cuties.

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0x64 Finland. March 01 2012 00:04. Posts 3564

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Cute if you don't mind the claws

Dump of assembler code from 0xffffffec to 0x64: End of assembler dump.

Otolia France. March 01 2012 00:17. Posts 3049

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Well they have to kill a bear with their bare hands for their 18th birthday in order to be considered adults. But on the inside, they are nice and warm.

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Ringall Finland. March 01 2012 01:23. Posts 136

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Ah, this is awesome :3

Snute fanclub <3 (fan #106 :3 ) | "Bitches know me, I'm Jos 'LiquidRet' de Kroon. I drink, smoke and don't exercize." - Ret | http://bit.ly/GX57En

Oldgrain Finland. March 01 2012 02:46. Posts 142

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You forgot to mention ice cream.
The country is covered in ice for like 8 months a year yet we manage to eat 13 litres of ice cream per person yearly!

Paperplane Netherlands. March 01 2012 02:51. Posts 1497

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Give a finn a sniper rifle, a pair of skies and a bottle of vodka and he'll kill more nazis than you can count!
You guys had some insane hit 'n run tactics in WWII

Cokefreak Finland. March 01 2012 03:24. Posts 5661

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Someone needs to link this to Total Biscuit now so he might finally understand why the crowd was so silent all the time

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Mehukannu Finland. March 01 2012 03:33. Posts 387

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Nice write up! =D
I just wish you had realized to mention about Finnish sauna. Perhaps it is not too late to edit...?

On March 01 2012 02:51 Paperplane wrote:
Give a finn a sniper rifle, a pair of skies and a bottle of vodka and he'll kill more nazis than you can count!
You guys had some insane hit 'n run tactics in WWII

Sniper rifle? a Rifle is more than enough. We are not trying to take over the world, you know?

C=('. ' Q)

Ringall Finland. March 01 2012 03:34. Posts 136

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It was actually Russians most of the time (I presume you are referring to Simo Häyhä - the legendary sniper.). Finland only fought Germans in the continuation war, and it was a relatively "peaceful" war at that.
He did not drink vodka while killing shit AFAIK, as he was really, really careful to not get caught. Being drunk would have been detrimental to that goal. He was an interesting fella. Read up on him.

On March 01 2012 03:24 Cokefreak wrote:
Someone needs to link this to Total Biscuit now so he might finally understand why the crowd was so silent all the time

Haha, yeah, you should do that!

Last edit: 2012-03-01 03:34:57

Snute fanclub <3 (fan #106 :3 ) | "Bitches know me, I'm Jos 'LiquidRet' de Kroon. I drink, smoke and don't exercize." - Ret | http://bit.ly/GX57En

Otolia France. March 01 2012 03:47. Posts 3049

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What is also typical is wierd first name like Jutta, Ville, Samuli and natural last names like Sorsa, Tikka, Koskivuori, Leppäniemi ...

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Ringall Finland. March 01 2012 04:03. Posts 136

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On March 01 2012 03:47 Otolia wrote:
What is also typical is wierd first name like Jutta, Ville, Samuli and natural last names like Sorsa, Tikka, Koskivuori, Leppäniemi ...

True. It seems like 50% of all the names are directly derived from nature O_o
When you compare to for example German, where most of the surnames seem to be professions. Never really thought of this much before.

Snute fanclub <3 (fan #106 :3 ) | "Bitches know me, I'm Jos 'LiquidRet' de Kroon. I drink, smoke and don't exercize." - Ret | http://bit.ly/GX57En

Keltanokka Finland. March 01 2012 04:08. Posts 272

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On March 01 2012 03:33 Mehukannu wrote:
Nice write up! =D
I just wish you had realized to mention about Finnish sauna. Perhaps it is not too late to edit...?

Show nested quote +

Sniper rifle? a Rifle is more than enough. We are not trying to take over the world, you know?

I'm gonna try and add a part about the sauna this evening, just have to finish some school work first.

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