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| Angel_ United States. June 21 2012 15:40. Posts 1616 | Profile Blog # |
I feel like there are two of me in me. A pedal waits, hoping to blossom; to erupt into life and flourish and dance and shine. A second, afraid to burst, unable; too late to open, too covered in dirt to ever bloom or thrive.
Why am I writing this on TL? Where else would I? I guess. I could write it in my old Livejournal that my ex and I talked in. In truth though, I don't want to ever visit it again. I haven't since I finally closed that door; or at least, closed her out of it. I guess she won't ever truly leave me inside. She wanders my heart still occasionally, and lets me smile on the happier memories, so I guess having to occasionally feel the hurt and shame and jealousy is just an intrinsic part of it. I don't want to visit that Livejournal again ever though (maybe in fear that she may have written in it, maybe just because). And what the hell, am I going to blog regularly about myself anyway? So TL it is.
I've started working again. I didn't for a long time. A long ass time. I've just finished training; I'll be starting my first real day on Saturday. Going is hard. It's kind of pathetic to think about, going to work being hard. I'm delivering pizza. How hard is delivering pizza and doing dishes and making sure my food isn't fucked up? It's still hard. From my perspective, disgust inducing to someone else as it might be, it means I'm maybe getting better. Maybe I am moving to blooming by making myself go.
I thought for the longest time that I just wanted to be at peace with myself. To not hate myself or want to die or scream at myself in my head or have two of me fighting all the time. Just to be, and be okay with the me that I was. I thought that the aggressive self-hate and hurt and nightmares all ending was my sign that I was at peace with myself finally. I'd won. It's a lie. I've been floating for almost two years, drowned in my own sinister ocean of deadness. That's how I've started to think, and I believe I might be right. I haven't done...anything. I justified it as waiting for something I really cared about and felt passionate about to just...come along. But I have loved things in that time, but not enough that I've really pursued it and driven myself for it. I love this game: everyday I sit for literally hours theorycrafting in my head and imaging and fantasizing and watching vods of other people doing what I want to...and don't practice. Or I practice and go up a league and then don't play for 5 or 6 weeks straight. I love to paint. Do I paint anymore? Am I actively pursuing a degree full time? No. I've been letting myself drown.
In my misguided belief that I was waiting or that I was better but not quite on track I've let myself fall to exactly what my PTSD has wanted me to be: nothing. What the guy who raped me for a year and a half treated me like: nothing. Just to cease to exist like I feel I deserve.
That's why it feels good to go to work. It hurts, and it's hard. I feel really insecure there; I don't feel safe, my stomach is a mess on the way there. I'm light-headed and my head is chaos, motivating myself and talking to me all the way there about getting better and what not. And then I'm there and it's okay. And then its done and I did it. I've been taking a few classes at a time for the past two quarters; in fall I'm planning to go as full-time as I can afford to. I guess those are baby-steps and another step too.
I need to take care of me before I can worry about any crazy dreams and goals. Not that I'm back-burner-ing them. It's not a "shoot for the moon but remember you can't breathe in space without help", but rather, "hey if you think you're a worthless unlovable dirty shit and you can't support yourself or function as an adult you might want to make that your priority." It's not my priority, at the same time. It's not me knowing it and then not doing it, or anything like that. And I say that while being terrified that I'll look back on this in three months and find it soul-crushing.
I want to say that I'm hopeful that this means I'm starting to let myself grow like I should. Like part of me so desperately wants to. That's not correct though. Being hopeful implies that it's not my responsibility. That I just want it to work out and if it does or doesn't it's not my fault. To a degree I can definitely say I feel that way. But, quietly, I'm smiling to myself: I feel like I can do it, and I'm going to. And IM going to do it. Maybe it's just a whisper right now, someplace really deep. But that's more than enough. My soul is screaming.
Last edit: 2012-06-21 15:42:57
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| felisconcolori United States. June 21 2012 18:48. Posts 2620 | Profile # |
Mental issues like this are truly a horrible thing to endure. But you seem to be motivated to overcome it. If you can keep that motivation, and push through the downswings, I think you should be able to climb out of this hole. Try to forget about that asshole, as much as you can. Remember that there are still things that are good. Remember that you are in control of your own fate, and that you can push through and get past this. All you have to do is keep trying. It can be hard, so very very hard to remember that, to not dwell on the past or just let everything go and give up. But giving up leads to nowhere. If you don't try, you can't get anywhere; as long as you keep trying, keep moving, you can find a better place.
Not to be cliched, but it gets better. Honest. Just have something to work for, anything really - large or small - and keep trying.
Also, you say PTSD - is that self-diagnosis or have you ever asked a professional? |
| | Opteron- "fyeah prime." Yes, I email sponsors... to thank them. Don't post drunk, kids. |
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| Angel_ United States. June 21 2012 19:51. Posts 1616 | Profile Blog # |
On June 21 2012 18:48 felisconcolori wrote:
Also, you say PTSD - is that self-diagnosis or have you ever asked a professional?
i saw people from 11 til I was 19; that's what they always diagnosed (like five different psychiatrists, and the other therapists I saw)
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| felisconcolori United States. June 22 2012 03:01. Posts 2620 | Profile # |
On June 21 2012 19:51 Angel_ wrote:
Show nested quote +On June 21 2012 18:48 felisconcolori wrote:
Also, you say PTSD - is that self-diagnosis or have you ever asked a professional?
i saw people from 11 til I was 19; that's what they always diagnosed (like five different psychiatrists, and the other therapists I saw)
Had to ask, if only because I've known quite a number of people that come up with something by themselves. And PTSD is a strange diagnosis, especially in that age range. However, I can't say much - I never did get a definitive diagnosis for myself except for the depression. I myself had a really bad stretch - and there are still lingering issues but like I said. Just have to keep working and trying things and making things better for yourself.
I empathize - obviously, I can't say that I know what you've gone through, or what's going on inside your head, but I've had similar problems in some ways and I know it can be a really really hard thing. (As is blogging about it, even (or especially) to an audience like TeamLiquid.) So the TL;dr version of all this is - you're saying good things, and I think you're on the right track. So just keep on keeping on, and you can do it. |
| | Opteron- "fyeah prime." Yes, I email sponsors... to thank them. Don't post drunk, kids. |
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