Website Feedback
Closed Threads
IRC Chat
irc.quakenet.org #teamliquid
IRC Web ClientTeamSpeak 3 (91 users) | |
|
| [UoN]Sentinel United States. July 13 2012 10:38. Posts 2545 | Profile Blog # |
Fun little story that's happened to me recently. I think after two life stories about going through a depression and almost dying by falling off a tree, it's time for something a little more lighthearted.
So I'm looking at the sky. Well, no, my eyes are pointing at the sky, but I'm spaced out. Thinking about thinking. Thinking about life. Thinking about death. Three things I'm always thinking about. Three things that my mind always detracts to wherever I go.
And there it starts. 9:34 PM. The first red streak ascends through the sky, weaving left and right in the wind, but continuing its journey up. Three more soon follow. The red streak explodes.
The day is July 7th, 2012. Beneath me is the roof of my house. I'm watching the seventh and final day of the weeklong fireworks show that the illegal immigrants a mile north of my house set up every year. Today, they will fire off five times as many rockets as my town had three days ago. The illegal immigrants have larger ones. They always do. Some of them are so bright you can't stare at them directly, not even at this distance.
"Beautiful."
The voice is on my right. If I turned my head that way, I would see a close friend who I haven't seen in four months. She's in the same semi-comfortable position I am. Tilted 45 degres on the slanted roof, lying down with bare white knuckles from grasping the gaps between the roof tiles.
Ten more minutes, not a word. The fireworks are shooting up in full force now. But now they're waving more and more to the left. Ten seconds later, the treeline starts to move as well. And then it his us.
For the hottest summer on record in our area, it's pretty cold wind. But that's fine by me. I'm a winter person. Anything that isn't this godawful heat feels amazing to me. But judging by the fact that she's shivering and breaking her grip on the roof, I'd say I'm alone in that thought.
Then I hear a clang. Two clangs. A scrape. Fireworks are still going, but I'm not aware of them. All I hear is three seconds of silence. Then a louder clang, half-muffled, and maybe some pebbles hitting the ground.
"Was that the ladder?"
"Was what the ladder?"
Guess I was the only one who heard it. No matter. Time to find out who's right. Lazily roll over like I'm just getting out of bed. Exhale. That felt good. I'll just wait a few seconds, lying down like this feels good. Then the cold wind comes back to tell me to get going.
Grasp the top of the roof and take a look over the other side. Can't see jackshit in this darkness.
Oh wait... yup. There it is. The retractable ladder came off in the wind. There it is on the ground. And then I finally wake up and realize... how the hell am I going to get down now?
"Are you freaking kidding me..."
Oh. Great. She's up here too. Always great to have company when you're in deep shit. But it's also great to not be in deep shit to start with.
Behind us, the grand finale to the explosive symphony starts. Bright enough to light up the roof for a minute or two. Fireworks of every color above and behind us, as the weeklong celebration comes to an end.
And speaking of explosive symphony, my colon was getting ready to shoot a few fireworks of its own. Time is of the essence.
Think, Sentinel, think. You've pulled amazing research papers out of your ass when you were pissed and tired before, why can't you come up with any ideas now?
Whoops, bad thought. I don't want to get anything out of my ass in the next few minutes. Well what if we used one of the cables?
No, you idiot. Even if you don't get electrocuted, do you think that little wire will support your weight? Remember the last time the thunderstorm snapped the cable in two, all the electricity went out, and the toilet didn't work for two days?
Oh... right. Damn that wind is really getting strong, time to get out of here. Okay, what can help me here, anything at all? How about her... how about some teamwork?
"Alright, you're not going to like this..."
"Yeah, why?"
Twenty seconds later, my shirt's off (looking at me skeptically), twisted in a nice tight spiral (looking at me even more skeptically), with a big banana grin on my face (okay what the hell are you gonna do).
Another twenty seconds later, she's got her feet planted in the gutter, holding my shirt, with me attached to the other end. And then my feet are dangling a good 15 feet above the ground.
"Why are you so heavy..."
"Shut up. I lost weight." I did. I lost 10 pounds last week. And I'm very proud of it.
Anyways, with my other hand I get the screen part of the window open. After maybe about 15 seconds I finally get the glass open as well (turns out you can just push it in! genius!) and slide my half-naked ass into the bathroom.
"Alright, I'll go outside and get the ladder. Just stay up here and wait for me."
I hear her say something along the lines of "okay" and "this wind is killing me". You weren't the one hanging shirtless in midair in this weather. Close up the window and the screen. I'm about to go outside to get the ladder, when I remember... I'm in the bathroom!
She can wait. I need to deliver a package of utmost importance. 15 minutes goes by. Ahhh... crisis averted. Wait a minute... oh right. Ladder. I finally get outside and fix the ladder. She makes her way to the other side of the roof.
"What took you so long?"
"Eh... got lost."
"In your own house?"
"Yeah. I do that sometimes."
We finally get inside, her pissed and tired, me relaxed because I just dropped an atom bomb on Toiletland. Life goes on.
So I think if I learned anything from this, it's that when you need to take a massive dump, your brain works a lot better. So I think next year right before finals I'll just eat a buttload of Taco Bell and see if my grades go up  Last edit: 2012-10-01 04:05:05
 |
| | One day I'll get around to writing my 17-minute epic. Also, exploring heavy metal. || Seize the day! |
|
|
 RoyGBiv_13 United States. July 13 2012 10:42. Posts 581 | Profile Blog # |
| What a great conclusion to an awesomely written store. I give it 5 poop inspired stars out of 5. |
| | Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic |
|
|
| Shakattak Canada. July 13 2012 10:47. Posts 911 | Profile Blog # | |
| | Team Overklocked Gaming ! That man is the noblest creature may be inferred from the fact that no other creature has contested this claim. - G.C. Lichtenberg |
|
|
| Probulous Australia. July 13 2012 10:56. Posts 3784 | Profile Blog # |
NINJA POOP!
![[image loading]](http://girlinthepinkprius.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/strike-after-lunch.jpg) |
| | "Dude has some really interesting midgame switches that I wouldn't have expected. "I violated your house" into "HIHO THE DAIRY OH!" really threw me. You don't usually expect children's poetry harass as a follow up " - AmericanUmlaut |
|
|
| [UoN]Sentinel United States. July 13 2012 11:02. Posts 2545 | Profile Blog # |
On July 13 2012 10:56 Probulous wrote:NINJA POOP!
^_^ okay now I'm too interested not to try it. Maybe next time I get the house to myself, wouldn't want my parents and brother to hear swearing and splashing for 15 minutes out of the toilet.
Also, how is he doing it with his pants on? |
| | One day I'll get around to writing my 17-minute epic. Also, exploring heavy metal. || Seize the day! |
|
|
| Probulous Australia. July 13 2012 11:06. Posts 3784 | Profile Blog # |
Geez you clearly know nothing about ninjas ><
He's a ninja, why would you ask such a silly question? |
| | "Dude has some really interesting midgame switches that I wouldn't have expected. "I violated your house" into "HIHO THE DAIRY OH!" really threw me. You don't usually expect children's poetry harass as a follow up " - AmericanUmlaut |
|
|
| [UoN]Sentinel United States. July 13 2012 11:12. Posts 2545 | Profile Blog # |
| Because if he can teleport his shit through his pants, why would he even need to go to the bathroom? Why not just go on with his life and port it to his bathroom or the sewer system whenever he needs to? |
| | One day I'll get around to writing my 17-minute epic. Also, exploring heavy metal. || Seize the day! |
|
|
| Epishade United States. July 13 2012 11:15. Posts 646 | Profile Blog # |
What an epic conclusion
5/5 |
| | Why do bad things happen to tasty people? |
|
|
| Probulous Australia. July 13 2012 11:18. Posts 3784 | Profile Blog # |
Telelport? Who said anything about teleporting poop? This isn't science fiction you know.
If you reall want it explained, ninjas are super quick and super flexible. All he needs to do is twitch his butt cheeks according the ancient tradition and he can lower his pants. This gives him the requisite 7 seconds to fire off a perfectly streamlined and targeted poop. Wiping is for losers who can't control their bowels properly. So with another twitch of the butt cheeks, pants back on and business complete. Off course Ninjas realise that they have the added advantage of taking less than 10 seconds to evacuate their bowels, so they enjoy the remaining few minutes reading the paper.
I just thought given your latent abilities to poop despite being stuck on a roof, you might know these things, but clearly I overestimated how proficient you really are. |
| | "Dude has some really interesting midgame switches that I wouldn't have expected. "I violated your house" into "HIHO THE DAIRY OH!" really threw me. You don't usually expect children's poetry harass as a follow up " - AmericanUmlaut |
|
|
| Roe Canada. July 13 2012 12:31. Posts 5134 | Profile Blog # |
How to make a poop-sickle:
1). Go poop in a toilet and don't flush, OR go outside
2). Take a plastic bag and reach in to gather the poop remnants
3). Put a popsicle stick inside the poop pieces
4). Take said plastic bag with poop inside to your freezer
5). Keep in freezer for approximately 2 days
6). Enjoy!Last edit: 2012-07-13 12:35:10 |
|
|
| 9-BiT United States. July 13 2012 12:32. Posts 405 | Profile Blog # |
Great blog as always, interesting topic to say the least 
|
| | [QUOTE][B]On September 24 2012 01:14 AcesAnoka wrote:[/B] based fucking smuGG[/QUOTE] |
|
|
| Aerisky United States. July 13 2012 13:19. Posts 9212 | Profile Blog # |
hahaha amazing story ^^ so pro, seriously.
Also amazing discussion on the nuances of ninja pooping and whatnot. |
| |
|
| [UoN]Sentinel United States. July 13 2012 19:16. Posts 2545 | Profile Blog # |
On July 13 2012 11:18 Probulous wrote:
Telelport? Who said anything about teleporting poop? This isn't science fiction you know.
If you reall want it explained, ninjas are super quick and super flexible. All he needs to do is twitch his butt cheeks according the ancient tradition and he can lower his pants. This gives him the requisite 7 seconds to fire off a perfectly streamlined and targeted poop. Wiping is for losers who can't control their bowels properly. So with another twitch of the butt cheeks, pants back on and business complete. Off course Ninjas realise that they have the added advantage of taking less than 10 seconds to evacuate their bowels, so they enjoy the remaining few minutes reading the paper.
I just thought given your latent abilities to poop despite being stuck on a roof, you might know these things, but clearly I overestimated how proficient you really are.
If you never have to wipe, that means your poop's consistency is unhealthy.
That said, I have latent abilities not to poop despite being stuck on a roof, and having to hold it in until I finally broke into my own house. |
| | One day I'll get around to writing my 17-minute epic. Also, exploring heavy metal. || Seize the day! |
|
|
| | |
|
|
|
| |
|
Sidebar Settings...
|
Store
