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| jeeeeohn United States. July 14 2012 09:41. Posts 859 | Profile Blog # |
This is the first portion of a new short story I'm writing. My head is pretty clouded today and while I'm confident this can turn into something good, I would like someone to point out what's wrong since I can't do that myself. This is the first draft. Polls are below if you don't want to leave a detailed answer.
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There is no sound but the quick thin snapping of a branch that then releases the world as if it were the locking mechanism to a floodgate being broken. Then the shrill hollering cardinals and goshawks and undulating cicada and a dull sound of rain falling onto the canopy with a leathery noise and in every direction the faraway scuffling of animals: foxes, deer, wolves, black bears, voles, squirrels, raccoons, boars, turkeys, rat snakes, spring peepers. It is precisely as she remembers. Gray clouds paint over the surroundings a burnt-like film, thin pine trees and heel-height bushes and even the feathery soft soil the color of something ashen and blanched and white that reminds her of winter. Humidity in the ninety-ninth percentile. Ninety degree heat. The world here is flat, perfectly flat, but through the myriad trees like steel bars she sees only more trees until at the horizon they converge into an indistinguishable thicket of what appears as endless stacks of thin sharp needles. The sun is a hazy burning silhouette beneath rain clouds. To the south the distant crackling of a river. Here lies an artificial mound of dirt shaped like a crooked octagon, obviously man-made, atop which glints something metal, and very close to the ground the flash of glass.
Watching this unchanging landscape through the sweating window of an abandoned survivalist's bunker. The bunker is close to collapsing, an old wooden box no bigger than a bedroom pressured on all sides by the compression of soil and inundation, dark and dank save a weak coil of sunlight crawling through the trapdoor and down the ladder. Swollen wooden boards possessed with beetles and ants and nameless winged things. Air that's difficult to hold in your chest. Bare and naked place besides a dirty red blanket and bucket of bug-littered water dead center. A clear circle has been rubbed into the glass window, outlined by a plane of sticky thick dust crisscrossed with lines of morbid white puffs that could be spider eggs. The frame stands only two feet above the forest floor, jutting at a severe angle so that leaves and mud and dirt just slides right off. Rain slipping across and leaving a watery distortion. Creak of wood.
“Is this what you saw?”
Kneeling over the motionless figure curled under the window on a half-broken bench nailed to the rotten wooden boards. A young woman, pale, her brown hair matted into a stiff shield stuck to her forehead. Her eyes are staring out the glass and her eyelids and lips are dry and flaking. A hint of the beginning of her mouth curling back into a smile or grimace, thinking about somewhere else. She's thin but not skeleton thin. Arms clutching her knees. Small red marks or bites scattered across her cheeks and eyebrows. Occasionally her back shudders in a thin exhale. Alive, comatose.
Whispering into her ear: “I want to say I'm sorry.
“You never deserved this.
“You don't have to worry anymore.
“You won't wake up.”
Outside the image of a man walking into the distance, into the thresher of tiny gray needles. He stops and peers over his shoulder, at the forgotten bunker, and for a moment seems to be part of the forest, something wild and immature and dangerous about to join the throng of insects and birds in their cacophony. Very still amidst a very old place.
And then he is gone.
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Poll: What do you think? Good (4) 36% Bad (4) 36% Meh (3) 27% 11 total votes Your vote: What do you think? (Vote): Good
(Vote): Meh
(Vote): Bad
Poll: Interested in knowing what happens?No (5) 45% Yes (4) 36% Maybe (2) 18% 11 total votes Your vote: Interested in knowing what happens? (Vote): Yes
(Vote): Maybe
(Vote): No
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| | "Never forget the Cheer Cannon." (MLG Orlando, 2011) IdrA / HuK / INcontroL, On November 17 2011 07:41 iNcontroL wrote:[i]The pleasure was all mine[/i] / BoxeR / Ret / Stephano ("Napoleon") / Machine / Artosis: I am not a doctor. (Dreamhack Winter 2011) |
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| sc2superfan101 July 14 2012 10:09. Posts 2433 | Profile Blog # |
i liked it. my first impressions: (im gonna go bad to good so don't get discouraged)
the bad:
too many adverbs and adjectives: i like your style and you've done a good job at setting up the scenery and painting a picture for me. but the language is slightly cumbersome at times, and some of it seems overly descriptive. it's not terrible by any means, but it can distract me from the point of the sentence. a few times i had to go back and check what was the actual subject in question because i got sidetracked by the descriptors.
the meh:
this is a little more of personal taste than actual critique, but some of the language and words you are using seem... unnecessarily complex. a lot of authors can pull it off, and i think you've done a reasonably good job at it here, but i would suggest either a bit of revision or maybe some trimming. all in all though, i appreciated the effort and the style. you clearly knew which words actually fit, so it's not a problem like that. it's not even really a problem, just a personal pet peeve.
the writing itself was just a little jilted, but i assume this is not the final edit so that also is not really a problem at all. and as far as i know, it's supposed to be a little jilted. for example:
She's thin but not skeleton thin
i like this, but i might suggest something like: "She is not skeletal, but slim." or something like that.
the good
the scene you've painted here is very vibrant, and full. i can picture it very easily. the atmosphere is intriguing, and the general movement of the characters (as little as we get of it) draws me in. i'm interested in seeing what you do with it. were you just free-writing or do you have a general idea of the shape of the whole story? |
| | My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. |
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| Mr.Bimbles Iceland. July 14 2012 10:43. Posts 383 | Profile Blog # |
Then the shrill hollering cardinals and goshawks and undulating cicada and a dull sound of rain falling onto the canopy with a leathery noise and in every direction the faraway scuffling of animals: foxes, deer, wolves, black bears, voles, squirrels, raccoons, boars, turkeys, rat snakes, spring peepers. It is precisely as she remembers. Gray clouds paint over the surroundings a burnt-like film, thin pine trees and heel-height bushes and even the feathery soft soil the color of something ashen and blanched and white that reminds her of winter. Humidity in the ninety-ninth percentile. Ninety degree heat. The world here is flat, perfectly flat, but through the myriad trees like steel bars she sees only more trees until at the horizon they converge into an indistinguishable thicket of what appears as endless stacks of thin sharp needles. The sun is a hazy burning silhouette beneath rain clouds. To the south the distant crackling of a river. Here lies an artificial mound of dirt shaped like a crooked octagon, obviously man-made, atop which glints something metal, and very close to the ground the flash of glass.
Ehhr, Too mani complikated wodrz...
Like sure, I can see where you're going with this, but even some writers who are known for being super "describant" (defug word lol) Never pull stuff like this, I got like "readers blocked" so many times
Like hearing stuff like
Araliel shouted: "Why felicity! Why would you abandon day9!"
She looked at the grass, there was a bug there it had red dops on it, clearly there was a infection in the right leg. Then she looked at Araliel! But then she noticed a block of wood right next to him... so simple and yet so elegant a true sight of a mans justfull and right valour, the true figure of the wood truely shocked her, as she viewed the piece of wood... She remembered her childhood, how she used to jump in the puddle, and somehow... she remembered a minor detail! The puddle had some sand, the sand was so exotic, it was clear that the sand was from some beach in the south. so funny charming exilirating and yet, so fine the sand was... It was clear that sand, was from the north eastern shire in mexico, right by El polo locos farm. And she remembered that the block of wood was acutally the same as in El polos farm... The pieces are all coming together!
Like you don't have to describe every minor detail... I'm actually shocked if anyone could read all I wrote and follow through lol... |
| | "If I was your wife I would poison your coffee" "Well If I was your husband I'd drink it" |
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| tw!tch United States. July 14 2012 10:54. Posts 533 | Profile Blog # |
| Agreed, interesting read, but a bit wordy imo |
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| ninazerg United States. July 14 2012 12:08. Posts 1842 | Profile Blog # |
| That was the most boring sex story I've ever read. I was completely turned-off. |
| | Holder of Excalibur, savior of Eria. | |
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| ZapRoffo United States. July 14 2012 13:59. Posts 4598 | Profile Blog # |
I'll try to give some detailed critique.
You have some clumsy construction here and there that makes it read not so smoothly, and I think that's what makes it hard to read through so much detail--detail is not bad, but when you can't read smoothly through it, it bogs everything down.
For example:
There is no sound but the quick thin snapping of a branch that then releases the world as if it were the locking mechanism to a floodgate being broken.
This is an ambiguous reference, the simile could be referring to either the sound, the snapping, or the world. I had to stop and say, wait, what's the locking mechanism? It could use some clearer way of saying "the branch snapping releases the world" or even just a comma after world. I also think "that then releases the world" is a little clumsy. A version I like: "... of a branch, but it releases the world, as if...", using but because it's a contrast--the only one sound at the start vs. the many sounds coming in a second.
she sees only more trees until at the horizon they converge into an indistinguishable thicket of what appears as endless stacks of thin sharp needles.
"of what appears as" doesn't work at all. Just eliminate down to "thicket of endless" which works perfectly well and is a lot more powerful and expressive. Also it can't really be indistinguishable and distinguished into thin and sharp needles at the same time.
Here lies an artificial mound of dirt shaped like a crooked octagon, obviously man-made, atop which glints something metal, and very close to the ground the flash of glass.
The last "and very close to the ground" throws this sentence off a lot. I would just make that a new sentence.
In some places you have sentence fragments, this one is adventurous but I think it sort of works:
To the south the distant crackling of a river.
because it's positioned near other similar description and it's the sort of thing you can infer she's hearing; or the crackling is the subject just existing.
Starting this next paragraph with fragment doesn't work at all though.
Watching this unchanging landscape through the sweating window of an abandoned survivalist's bunker.
It needs a subject, something has to be watching. Or rearrange to make the landscape the subject. It can appear, sit, etc..
Bare and naked place besides a dirty red blanket and bucket of bug-littered water dead center.
A number of issues with this: "A bare and naked place", besides should be beside (besides only means "on the other hand", beside is a position), dead center really needs a reference to something. It's ok with no verb though, going along with the preceding fragments.
I would start a new paragraph where you switch from the bunker description to the window, since you also change sentence structure going from fragments to full sentences.
outlined by a plane of sticky thick dust crisscrossed with lines of morbid white puffs that could be spider eggs.
I don't think plane fits, you can make it just "outlined by sticky, thick dust" (you need that comma too, otherwise sticky is describing thick rather than describing dust). Morbid is questionable as a descriptor there, but if you like it, it can work. "that could be" is really inelegant though, I would rethink that.
jutting at a severe angle so that leaves and mud and dirt just slides right off
First, slide - verb agreement. The casual tone of "just slide right off" doesn't really match anything else here, so something like "slide down and collect at the bottom", direct and neutral and not flippant might work better.
The last two fragments really should be their own sentences with the same tense verbs as just before, especially since at first we are still on the window. "Rain slips across and leaves a watery distortion." Then we are on to something else which you can't just introduce with a fragment either. "There's a creak of wood." You really have to pay attention to using complete sentences vs. fragments--fragments can be powerfully terse, but they don't work just anywhere, and when in doubt, write a sentence with a verb.
Starting the next paragraph, we need a subject and a verb (kneeling/verbs in the -ing form don't count on their own--they act like a preposition). So connect this with the subject you outline in the next sentence fragment, make it into one complete sentence "...the boards is a young woman..."
Her eyes are staring out the glass and her eyelids and lips are dry and flaking.
It's usually not great to say "her eyes are staring" because eyes don't stare really, people stare using their eyes. Eyes can wander, or travel though. People look or gaze or stare. "out the glass" is also really informal and doesn't match the rest of your tone.
A hint of the beginning of her mouth curling back into a smile or grimace, thinking about somewhere else.
Should be a sentence. Also "a hint of the beginning of" is pretty redundant and wordy.
"skeleton thin" is too informal for what your narrator's established voice. Just "skeletal" is good. Next, your sequence of fragment description here is OK, just don't switch back to a normal tense subject verb construction right before the final payoff of it, the "Alive, comatose." Make it "Her back shuddering occasionally, thin exhalations." or something (also the singular exhale doesn't really fit there). The other option is change them all to sentences.
The next part are full quotations each, so close the quotes on each one I think. Only leave them open if it's a paragraph break in one long quotation.
Next paragraph, again, the fragment to start is very questionable. "Outside is..." maybe. And joining the "very still" last fragment to the previous sentence with a comma gives that a clear subject (you can't do the fragment if it's not very clear to infer what the subject is).
Overall:
I disagree with most people, the description is vivid and I think it will work well if you pair it with more elegant and readable construction, without switching willy-nilly between sentences and fragments. It could potentially be a very good introduction.Last edit: 2012-07-14 14:01:42 |
| | Yeah, well, you know, that's just like, your opinion man |
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| Mothra United States. July 14 2012 14:42. Posts 958 | Profile Blog # |
On July 14 2012 09:41 jeeeeohn wrote:
There is no sound but the quick thin snapping of a branch that then releases the world as if it were the locking mechanism to a floodgate being broken. Then the shrill hollering cardinals and goshawks and undulating cicada and a dull sound of rain falling onto the canopy with a leathery noise and in every direction the faraway scuffling of animals: foxes, deer, wolves, black bears, voles, squirrels, raccoons, boars, turkeys, rat snakes, spring peepers. It is precisely as she remembers. Gray clouds paint over the surroundings a burnt-like film, thin pine trees and heel-height bushes and even the feathery soft soil the color of something ashen and blanched and white that reminds her of winter. Humidity in the ninety-ninth percentile. Ninety degree heat. The world here is flat, perfectly flat, but through the myriad trees like steel bars she sees only more trees until at the horizon they converge into an indistinguishable thicket of what appears as endless stacks of thin sharp needles. The sun is a hazy burning silhouette beneath rain clouds. To the south the distant crackling of a river. Here lies an artificial mound of dirt shaped like a crooked octagon, obviously man-made, atop which glints something metal, and very close to the ground the flash of glass.
Holy fuck. There was pretty much only one usable sentence in that whole paragraph: "It is precisely as she remembers." Everything else is pretty much completely superfluous and nearly unreadable. You should force yourself to shorten your sentences because you really get lost in them. Ask yourself what is IMPORTANT? Not the humidity level, not how feathery soft the soil is, not every single noise and an adjective for each (shrill, dull, leathery, faraway... all in one sentence.) You need to put yourself in the shoes of the reader and ask who is this girl, why is she here, and why should I care? Your story basically begins at the third paragraph, the first two are totally unnecessary and bad.Last edit: 2012-07-14 14:45:54 |
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| Fishgle United States. July 14 2012 16:29. Posts 1577 | Profile Blog # |
I had to read your first sentence 3 times before I understood what you meant.
There is no sound but the quick thin snapping of a branch that then releases the world as if it were the locking mechanism to a floodgate being broken.
"There is no sound but the quick thin snapping..." ... There is no sound, but there is sound? , "How about : "The only sound heard is...."
"... quick thin snapping of a branch..." ...is the snapping quick and thin? Is the sound quick and thin? Or is the branch quick and thin? The answer is None of the Above. The snapping is quick, the branch is thin, and the sound is of the branch snapping. Thusly, "...the quick snapping of a thin branch"
"....that then releases the world...." holy fuck what an overblown abstraction. Also, conjunction conjunction present passive tense. You had a perfectly normal branch snapping and then the reader is charged with holy fuck this is important, man! I don't agree with it at all, and would end the sentence there, at "The only sound heard is the quick snapping of a thin branch." or even more succintly, "A thin branch snaps."
.... but anyway. About the floodgates of the world and shit. Cut out the fat and go directly into he verb, directly into the image or simile if you must.
"The only sound heard is the snapping of a thin branch, loud and ominously, like the lever of some great floodgate being suddenly swung open."
btw. the sound of a thin branch snapping is rather quiet. So ionno. Maybe if it were a tree falling this great floodgate metaphor would make more sense...
Brevity is the blah blah zzzzzzz
Last edit: 2012-07-14 16:38:19 |
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| AiurZ United States. July 14 2012 16:53. Posts 340 | Profile Blog # |
this is very good, but i think you should consider a couple of things.
1. i heard a very old, very unsuccessful writer say that you should always imagine every image that the writer tries to create. so you read the words and then you say "what the hell did he just write" and imagine it.
2. you should ask "so what". when i read the story, i felt like the narrator wanted me to focus on a million different things at once. people talk about painting a picture or whatever and that's really nice, but if i wanted to look at a picture i would look at a picture. i always like it when the narrator is like an old friend guiding me through. yes, he tells me what the scene is, but he also tells me what to focus on, he shows me specific things that bring out the narrative or whatever.
there were moments in the selection that i loved. in the beginning, the sentence where you list off a million animals is can be very beautiful, and very powerful if you work with it. i think that "she's thin, but not skeleton thin" also has the potential of a very beautiful line if you work on a better way to say it because it's so strange. it could be a very neat line. the ending image is kind of strange, because i would imagine someone looking back at a bunker would just turn and look instead of looking over their shoulder, but when you say "for a moment seems to be part of the forest, something wild and immature" i think that can be so awesome (if you work at it).
there's a lot here that is good and a lot that can be good with a little bit more work. just focus a little bit more, pay less attention to describing things in detail and just guide the reader through the story. if you give the reader a million things to look at, they arent going to notice what you want them to notice. include significant details. sometimes you get distracted and just want to just cut loose and that's ok too, but sometimes the reader gets more from whats left off the page than what's left on it. |
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| jeeeeohn United States. July 15 2012 13:34. Posts 859 | Profile Blog # |
| Thanks very much for the awesome feedback, it was precisely what I was looking for! |
| | "Never forget the Cheer Cannon." (MLG Orlando, 2011) IdrA / HuK / INcontroL, On November 17 2011 07:41 iNcontroL wrote:[i]The pleasure was all mine[/i] / BoxeR / Ret / Stephano ("Napoleon") / Machine / Artosis: I am not a doctor. (Dreamhack Winter 2011) |
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