It's been three months since I've been single. I haven't even tried to talk to any women. I wanted to make myself feel better first, after my breakup and breakdown. I've listened to hundreds of hours of music, watched entire tv series spent countless hours thinking and trying so hard to improve my life. taking myself seriously with starcraft, then LoL then dota. Throwing myself into my writing, to learning languages, to the gym, spent all this time with my friends, at the end of the day, I come back to my apartment curl into a ball, and sleep. Wake up and nothing has changed, the pain is still there, the loneliness creeping closer and closer.
I've spent 88 days in emotional solitude. 88 days of tears sweat and disappointment, all this work and I'm still the same heartbroken man without someone to talk to. I've talked to my friends, confided in them, but nothing matches, nothing ever will match the arms of someone you love. Things will probably never go back to how they were, there is no use spending my time wishing things were different. But I can't help it. It's how I spend every minute I'm not engaged in some ill fated goal. I just can't find passion or motivation in anything. I gave everything I was to my relationships, and I really can't find myself anymore. It's just too frustrating. I feel trapped in myself. I know I'm an attractive funny and intelligent man of 20, I'm good with women, with everything I try. But...I can't anymore. I've been flirted with, at a smoothie king after i jogged a few miles. When a woman finds you attractive enough to approach after a 3 mile jog, you don't let that shit pass. Hell she was pretty damn hot. What did I do? I looked at her, after she said: "I didn't expect to pick up more than my smoothie today" referring to me obviously, but I responded: if they got your order wrong, tell them. and then I left. I was just so disinterested for no reason other than my depression. I really don't know how to get out of this. I feel like nothing I can do will help.
Anti-depressants destroy my ability to be creative, which is terrible for an aspiring writer, and only ends up making me feel like I'm useless and hopeless, which leads to suicidal thoughts. So those are out. I don't know, I guess I need a relationship with a girl that is willing to put up with this shit of mine for a while. But it's a hell of a lot easier said than done. I never thought I'd be in so little control of my own life. But I guess that's what happens when you put everyone else in front of yourself for four years, only to lose them all.
I'm just not sure where to go or who to talk to. It all seems pointless because I can't find a way to keep going once I start. I've never felt like I have value as an individual, only having value for what I can do for others which sounds all noble and great, until the reality of it sets in on you. When you are just completely alone. Damn, I sound really messed up. I can't wait for this feeling to end.
It gets better, trust me it does. I dont want to say too much, but i've been were you were, made a dumb move, and almost didn't see all the good that was coming my way. Its not karma or anything, but for a huge percent of people it will get better. Dont give up, work you ass of for what ever headway you can make, and things will get better, maybe not a lot better, but it will. No one can know for sure what happens to you after death, but going out that way fucks up people in your life in a way that you shouldn't inflict on any one.
Sounds like your relationships suck, although probably not literally.- kwark Best part of waking up, KwarK banning rape apologists in my cup! I guess you could say... *puts on sunglasses* ... they were asking for it. colaboy and Kasaraki
micronesia United States. July 28 2012 12:29. Posts 19521
I don't think a girl is going to solve your problems, so don't feel bad that you haven't started a relationship.
Finding the right treatment when you have feelings like the ones you described in the OP isn't easy, but it is possible. Some people need a certain drug (perhaps one you weren't prescribed whenever you tried before), some need weekly therapy (which is perfectly normal), and some need both. And that is only for some people.
Haste. Exalted. Flying. Deathtouch. Lifelink. Protection from Red.
But the Hamiltonian wasn't Hermitian!
whatever you do, you need to have faith in yourself. think about something you love and have a passion for. once you find something like that, just do it all the time until you feel better. surround yourself with people you love and who love you, and believe in yourself no matter what.
I've never been motivated. Sometimes I find conversations or events around me so boring and unimportant I struggle to force out the words or pretend I'm interested; sometimes I say ridiculous things, cruel or otherwise in order to moderately entertain myself or just see it where it goes, or I pick interesting things from a sitcom and attempt to create it in real life. Anyway, perhaps your not like me and your simply depressed [or im depressed and have been for so long I've forgotten what its like not to be?] but in any case, its not the worst of fates. It just is what it is.
Dalguno United States. July 28 2012 12:57. Posts 2298
The end of last year and beginning of this year I was having a sort of similar experience. Not because of a breakup or anything like that, I just didn't care about anything. I was forgetting things I believed in just because I didn't care about them anymore, and the things that make me "me" weren't there anymore because I couldn't find a reason to be them or do them or whatever.
I met a girl, and we started dating. It was good, just fun at first, not really helping anything. But the more we dated the more I cared about her, and that gave me external motivation, and rather than relying on myself to figure things out, things sort of fell into place. Before even confiding in her, she helped me.
If you had told me before we started dating, that we were going to date, I would never have believed it, because we were so different and all that. But she honestly changed my life.
Keep your eyes open. There's too many people out there to say that you can't find someone that can't change you. I'm not saying some girl will solve things for you, but that's what helped me.
"I'm gonna keep making drones cause I'm a baller, and ballers make drones." -Snute
I will not try to sympathize with you since we have our different problems. However, I will share my story and let you have your own take on it.
I'm currently a 2nd year university student in Canada. I came to Canada two years ago as an international student with the goal to pursuit my education. First time arriving in Canada, I felt not much of an excitement but rather a feeling of lost. I guess it is understandable since all the things that I have grown up getting familiar with was nine thousand kilometres away from where I were at. If that wasn't bad enough, I am not an outgoing person by any means. The only thing that kept me going was my now ex-girlfriend. I knew her 2 years before going to Canada and we dated for about 4 months. She was my best friend. For a rather introverted person as I am, I don't need much besides skyping with her 4 hours every weekend's nights because of the difference in timezone. Now looking back, I cannot explain how thankful I am for her being there to help me transition. We made it through the first year I. I went back to my country the summer of 2011. Then I had to leave again for my study. She also left to study in the United States. We thought that after the difficulties that we fought in the previous year to maintain our long-distance relationship, now it would be easier.
The break-up came faster than I could have imagined. She was the person whom I built my opinions of the perfect life companion on. She was the person whom I trusted the most. If there is a simile to express her importance to me, it would be something like: if life is like putting the pieces to a puzzle, at the time before our break-up, I thought I was 10% away from completing it. However, as time changes, feelings change. And yeah, the break up (which I mentioned like 3 times already) came. I will not go further and tell you how desperate and depressed I felt since it won't help you nor will it benefit me.
Let's come back to the puzzle analogy. The break up was like when I am a few second away from completing that puzzle, I accidentally realized there is no other pieces left on the pile that actually fits in anymore. So I started undoing everything. Then I cried because of frustration. I cried thinking the time that I spent building it had then become wasted. I cried thinking about the amount of work I have to put in to build the new pieces. I dreaded it might not work again. But as I was lying down crying, I saw snuck in the corner of the room which is covered by the sofa, several more pieces. I found several pieces that was also under construction that I threw away while building the puzzle with my ex-girlfriend in it. Then I started to work on that again. I found love in playing guitar, planting trees, cooking, and most of all Starcraft II (I actually only played SCII for around 7 times, reached gold and just become a spectator since for my personal reason).
So mate, I hope you spend some times recollecting yourself. I hope you find the strength to go on your search for the pieces to your puzzles that might now be hidden from your sight. It's just how we look at it. We can build one puzzle, fail at it then try to kill ourselves. Or, we can treasure what that failed attempt has to offer and build another one. Though, we might never be able to complete the puzzle that we so much desire, we build a bigger collection of unfinished ones over times.
Taking into account all the things you described (trying things that might interest you, talking to friends, loss of motivation) it seems pretty clear to me that your feelings won't just disappear from reading a few responses.
What i highly recommend is going and talking to psychiatrist. They are not devils, more often than not they are pretty awesome and supportive people. Also how you described antidepressants is not true; yeah, until you and your doctor find the right ones there might be some pretty bad experiences (both mental and somatic), but then they will make things brighter until you get over it.
In my opinion there is no sense in just waiting for everything to be ok, potentially losing some time in youth, i say take the battle to the enemy, fight senseless emotion instead of trying to live with them.
My 2 cents.
All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses.
blade55555 United States. July 28 2012 14:34. Posts 14259
Darn the website is based on wordpress which is blocked.
The only advice I can give is something along what micronesia wrote. It's not going to be easy, but there is likely some sort of solution out there for you. At this point I don't think finding another girl will necessarily solve the problems you're facing right now. I've read some of your other blogs so I feel bad that you're now suffering after apparently getting over the break-up. Stay strong.
"It has always been in my observation of human nature, that a man who has any good reason to believe in himself never flourishes himself before the faces of other people in order that they may believe in him."
obesechicken13 United States. July 28 2012 14:51. Posts 4337
I get how you feel, I ended my long term relationship because I stopped feeling the same and people think that its easy on me because of that. It hurts to over a short time start to completely lose interest in someone and now I come home and I'm lonely as fuck. I beg friends to stay out as long as possible so I dont have go back to my thoughts at my house.
Your thoughts are not you. This clip is a movie spoiler. Revolver (the movie) explains this better than I can. Have you seen it? If you haven't I suggest you do. Here is a clip I could find on youtube. Watch the part with the scientists, then if you want to watch the full movie skip the "movie" part. ACTUAL SPOILER + Show Spoiler [Revolver scene] +
Focus on your physical health before your emotional health. Often times when you are not taking care of your body, you will feel emotionally depressed. This includes diet, exercise, stress, sleep, and even hygiene. I have found this to be true for myself in many cases, but it is very easy to forget and to fall into bad habits. Many anti-depressants can cause physical injuries to the body. As a result of this I feel that the body uses some chemical anti-depressants to sort of "transfer" emotional pain into physical pain or injuries. Which isn't good at all. So you can see the importance of focusing on your physical health when it comes to depression.
Don't listen to the voice in your head.
On July 28 2012 11:53 PrinceXizor wrote: I'm just not sure where to go or who to talk to. It all seems pointless because I can't find a way to keep going once I start. I've never felt like I have value as an individual, only having value for what I can do for others which sounds all noble and great, until the reality of it sets in on you. When you are just completely alone. Damn, I sound really messed up. I can't wait for this feeling to end.
This is all in your head. You say you've never felt like you have value as an individual. Is this true? Or is it just something your mind is telling you? Learn to defeat the mind and you will be able to defeat depression. This can be a long path but it is rewarding to be in control again.
Sometimes if I'm feeling bad I try to focus on making other people feel good. So say for example I'm nervous because I'm in class and we're about to take a test. To calm myself down I might say something to make someone else feel less nervous. In this case it's important to focus on the opposite of how you currently feel. So if you're depressed, try to make other people feel not depressed, or if they are already not depressed, try to make them feel better than they're currently feeling. This has a positive effect for both.
A good way to practice "defeating the mind" is when you feel like not doing something, like getting out of bed in the morning, your mind will say "no way I'm getting up now, I don't care enough to get up, why should I? I have nothing to do today or I don't care about what I have to do today. etc etc" This is when you need to remember that the ego mind is not you. You have values and you would like to have a better life and be a better person. One thing I have a problem with is doing the dishes. But I know that if I don't do them the sink will eventually be full of dirty dishes, and sometimes it can be difficult to get them clean when they're in that state. So when I see that there are dishes that need to be done, my mind says "I can do those later." The key to transforming your life and your happiness is to ignore that and do them anyway.
I know this was long-winded but I want people to get through it as quickly as possible. I spent about two years listening to my mind's negativity, its plans for my future. When I took some responsibility for my own health and my surroundings, life got better.
Good luck bro. I hope this has helped you see things a bit differently.
Last edit: 2012-07-28 16:08:39
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I was in a similar situation and it was frustrating and seemingly unending as well -- but in my case I came to see this as an injury that needed time to heal. Looking back I see that I wasn't ready to really engage with anyone else during that time either because I was still pretty wounded and not really myself. My experience lasted for close to a year and what happened, as someone else pointed out, is that suddenly the feeling passed -- as odd and as simple as that sounds that's what happened. There is an expression, "and this too shall pass", and that's kinda what happened. Now, it didn't go away completely and triggers still made me sad, like driving past the place we used to hang out at and such, so I changed the route and that stopped happening too.
The questions asked were: Where can I get help and how do I get 'better'...
Well, talking is important and if you have good friends to talk to that will help especially if they can give you perspective on it, which in my case I was so close to the problem that I couldn't see that I was still a great person and life would still go on... it took many conversations to finally get it. If you are having suicidal thoughts, feel depressed or just aren't yourself then you should talk to your doctor and see if they can recommend a non-medicinal route for you to try -- for example cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) might help you find some new routines to work through this... which leads me to the getting better part.
Again, in my case, I started a new routine. In hindsight one of the issues that kept me locked into the cycle for so long was that I kept almost the same routine after the breakup and that kept me running into these emotional triggers -- like the old hang out -- and these just kept me feeling bad. Basically my old routines became a daily reminder that I had failed at something and it seems so odd that I would continue to do that to myself but like I said before I didn't have the perspective I have now. So with the help of my friends, I started doing the things that I truly liked again and this made me feel better and reminded me that I was a strong individual. That started leading me to other people who liked me for who I was and that lead to meeting the women I wanted to date because they were doing the things I liked to do too... plus when I was doing what I liked I was the happy and funny guy that they wanted to meet too.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
aztrorisk United States. July 28 2012 17:44. Posts 892
I believe that what you lack is a clear and defined purpose. Depression often arises when people feel that their lives aren't moving anywhere.
First thing that you should do is get off those antidepressants. I recommend that you should travel to different places. These places will help give you a change of pace in your life as well as stimulate new ideas in you. The new experiences that you obtain from traveling could be valuable to your career as a writer. It is important to experience many different stuff. I believe that traveling could be what will revitalize your outlook on life and motivate you again.
Good luck. You are only as happy as you allow yourself to be.
A lock that opens to many keys is a bad lock. A key that opens many locks is a master key.
I feel for you man, break ups can be rough. You mentioned that you are uninterested in women and it might be more healthy emotionally to not pursue a sexual relationship, but have you considered dating men?
On July 28 2012 21:46 slam wrote: I feel for you man, break ups can be rough. You mentioned that you are uninterested in women and it might be more healthy emotionally to not pursue a sexual relationship, but have you considered dating men?
why would he be gay just because he isnt interested in woman right now?
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