A Poem I Wrote

I walk with myself in a yellow grove
Where autumn pierces deep into the wood
In the air there is a chill
In the sky there are no clouds
Yet I feel as if a storm is near

In the center of the grove there is a quaint lake
I peer into it
My gaze meets my gaze in reflections of ever
Where the sun never sets and the world is yet new and magic

But that place is not here
By the quaint lake
Where I gaze at my red-eyed twin
And he gazes at me
Our eyes locked
Our wills clashing

The sun sets
The stars come out
Yet still I battle him
I will always battle him.

Daimai Sweden. August 19 2012 05:04. Posts 589

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I don't want to be a buzzkill and berate you, but I just dont see the point of poems that don't rhyme. This is just a story, and does not deserve to be called a poem.

I despise every terran player on this earth, and I hope there is a special place in hell saved for them.

CoughingHydra August 19 2012 05:26. Posts 57

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On August 19 2012 05:04 Daimai wrote:
I don't want to be a buzzkill and berate you, but I just dont see the point of poems that don't rhyme. This is just a story, and does not deserve to be called a poem.

Then you don't know what a poem is. Anyway, I liked it ^^

Juliette United States. August 19 2012 07:17. Posts 4945

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I liked it!

thats not how poetry works wat

If you don't mind i have just 2 pieces of criticism

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Thanks for the great read!

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AiurZ United States. August 19 2012 08:23. Posts 343

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is pretty cool.

i dont like the "quaint" lake. it is strange and i dont understand what it is going at. also very strange thing to think about, the narrator walking into the woods and staring into his reflection as the sun sets and night comes.

i have a lot of delight when "my gaze meets my gaze". i dont know if i like the "in reflections of ever/ where the sun never sets". i think thats because i dont really understand "in reflections of ever" and it kind of loses me.

the second time i see the gaze line i think that it loses a lot of its power. my gaze meets my gaze is great to me because i think that it is delicious sonically but then "i gaze at my red-eyed twin/ and he gazes at me" doesn't do it for me. i think maybe you're doing it to mirror the above stanza but change it so you can see my gaze meets my gaze the parallel, the same thing reflecting back and you see the world so new and full of magic and then the next stanza is "this is not so" and you split my gaze into 'i gaze' and 'he gazes' which might be interesting but not as delightful.

i still like it. i didnt even bother counting stresses because "my gaze meets my gaze" just blew me off my feet. well done.

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hp.Shell United States. August 19 2012 10:48. Posts 1638

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Keep practicing!