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| Vindicare605 United States. September 24 2012 15:49. Posts 6502 | Profile Blog # |
I just can't help but feel a bit strange that everyone else around me is losing their minds and yet I remain outwardly stoic. She was my mother too. Why am I the only one not losing my head?
Sure I indulge in some liquor from time to time to get my mind off of my own self pity, but not to the extent that I'm mirroring the same alcoholic behavior she was before she died. Why am I the only one around here that isn't breaking down into tears at random parts of the day when they hear music that reminds us all of her, not just the one doing the crying?
My dad made mention that he thinks he feels depressed for the first time truly in his life. When he actually went and described the symptoms, it reminded me of symptoms I have to deal with on a regular basis, to be reminded that there are people out there that don't feel that way until it's caused by the death of a family member, invites me to criticize my own depression as being self inflicted and the cause of just a weak sense of will power, like I really had no reason for feeling that way in the first place, THIS is what should be causing depression, not whatever shit was causing mine before.
And yet.... when push comes to shove and actual tragedy occurs, I'm the one holding everyone else up. How the fuck does this make any sense? Shouldn't I the one that's always dealing with depression be the one that's a mess? Am I just better at holding in my emotions because I've had a lot of experience doing it? Is that even healthy behavior to be engaging in? If not, would it be preferable to be breaking down the way others around me seem to? Is my lack of outward grief a sign of disrespect? Of true apathy? No, I don't think that last part's true, but at the same time I can't help but feel somewhat ashamed of just how little I seem to be reacting to everything.
Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. Maybe I'll be worse off than everyone in a few years, maybe I won't. It's just at the moment the whole situation is confusing me and I don't know what to think.Last edit: 2012-09-24 16:32:15
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| BigFan September 24 2012 15:53. Posts 2344 | Profile Blog # |
Sorry to hear about your loss, my condolences  I'm not sure what to tell you since it's quite possible you learned how to deal with the depression and emotions better than others due to your past history but and it's quite possible it's this, is that you are still in shock over what happened. Your brain hasn't fully processed what happened yet so you aren't experiencing the same emotions that everyone else is. Only time will tell what will happen though. All you can do is try your best to be a pillar to help others try to deal with it.Last edit: 2012-09-24 15:54:19 |
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| Clayberg United States. September 24 2012 16:10. Posts 15 | Profile # |
Everyone reacts differently to tragic events. It's impossible to say how one should act and feel and it really changes all the time. I've had complete different reactions to events that I would classify as being equally sad. It also may not have hit you yet too. I know when I had a death in the family it took weeks for me to feel anything. When I was first told I just kind of sat there silently. I know I should feel sad but I didn't really feel anything. It didn't register. Then weeks later I was sitting on my bed and I just broke down.
There is no way proper reaction to have. It's not abnormal to not be effected like you think you should.
I'm sorry for you loss though man and hopefully you can stay strong and support those around you who aren't handling it as well.
All the best |
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| QuanticHawk United States. September 24 2012 22:47. Posts 21235 | Profile Blog # |
sorry to hear about your loss
not an expert by any means, but i am pretty sure that not expressing any emotions after a loss of a close one isnt healthy... i think that repressing those feelings is supposed to be a sign of ptsd or something related to that, i believe??
anywho, right or wrong about that, there is no issue in letting it out sometimes. and everyone has different thresholds for stress and different ways of dealing with it. your father's relationship with your mother is also very much different than yours too, so dont forget that
if you have the means, it probably couldnt hurt to visit a therapist for a bit, since even if you are ok now, having your family members fall apart around you and being their emotional crutch in gonna take a hell of a toll
good luck |
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