So I've been playing starcraft for the last three years. And it's been a rough three years for me personally. Actually the last 10 have been pretty rough, some to my own thanks, but some completely out of my control.
I was a pretty shy kid, but it was partially because I had a bad case of OCD, social anxiety issues, and cripping body image issues. I personally think it's why i developed crohns disease three years ago, I've been under so much stress. For those who don't know it's an auto immune disorder which attacks the intestines. I dropped out of college 3 years ago because I couldn't handle the stress of my social anxiety and the massive amounts of pain. I was bedridden for about a year while they tried to diagnose me, which is when I first got starcraft and started to play it. The medication for these diseases are really hit or miss. It takes ~3 months to even see if the medication is working, and if it isn't you have to try another, and wait another 3 months, and so on and so on.
I've struggled with these issues, and clinical depression for too long now. I finally found medication that helps my crohn's, to the point where I feel almost normal, normal enough at least where I can function, it has really boosted how I feel, nothing feels as hopeless as it once did, and I really want to make some life changes, that are quite a good bit overdue.
As far as starcraft is concerned, I've always thrived on competition, I've never been good at sports (5'6, and underweight go figure ^_^), so I turned to video games. I love the feeling of beating someone else when they are trying their best. It can't be compared. I on the other hand, don't want to do this as a job. Don't get me wrong I love the game, but on the other hand I hate it. I've never been good with stress, and I simply cannot handle the stress given to me from this game, mostly if I decide to play in a tournament. My last one was IEM cologne, and honestly it was one of the worst decisions I've ever made to go. I really wish I had not have qualified. I wasn't on a medication that was helping, and I have some underlying issues mentally that I can't get over. Playing the best players in the world is very difficult, and I sadly cannot handle it. When playing on a stage, my blind goes blank, I no longer have any build orders, and I no longer can control my units, or know how to react. I'm shaking on the outside, it's awful. This is the reason I don't compete or go to tournaments. To fly somewhere and wait/prepare for the games only for this to happen each time is heartbreaking. Then once you are knocked out, all you can do is look back on how awful you played, and wait for the return trip home. I'm not in the right profession. I can't handle this stress.
I am no longer going to lans to compete. I will still stream/coach/ladder for fun, maybe playhems/some online tournaments, but lan's are out of the question.
My long term goal is to return to school this summer, and get back on a path that's right for me.
My short term goals are however to improve my mental and physical health.
I've always had issues with my physical appearance. I am currently 117 pounds and 5'6, the most I've ever weighed (sadly). I've been hitting the gym ever other day now and am already up 5 pounds in two weeks, which is pretty awesome for me, since I've never been able to break 115, and am going to continue going. I'm still pretty badly underweight, but it's slowly going up, and it's the most progress I've been able to achieve in years. I'm pretty small framed but I'm wanting to get to at least 130 or so. I've started to run each morning, which actually does make you feel quite a bit better.
Mentally on the other hand, I recently went to the doc and was put on celexa, which has been extremely helpful with my depression I only regret it took me 10 years to go. Better late than never I suppose. Celexa and my crohn's getting into remission has been a big boost for my mental health this past month, I only hope I can stay on track.
On an end note, I just want to thank the people who/have supported me, and got me through some really rough times, whether or not you knew you knew or not what you were doing, it means a lot. Also a special shoutout to ROOTCatZ, I'm not quite sure where I'd be without him.
Last edit: 2012-11-19 22:24:09
“Quiet people have the loudest minds.” ― Stephen Hawking
ranjutan United States. November 19 2012 21:56. Posts 633
ive had social anxiety for all my life and i cannot attend any tournaments either - i had 2 months in which i didnt even leave the house, not even to clear the trash or anything because i was afraid someone could see me.
those problems suck, im way better now and i indeed could attend tournaments now (thanks to psychologists that talked to me for over a year and fitting medication) but now i dont have the desire to do so anymore, i have a job, play sc2 and dota2 simply for fun and i enjoy life a lot more
i hope you will get better as well.
And one more thing: Going to IEM Cologne wasnt a mistake at all! Its better to try despite all your problems and your anxiety then to not try at all. you should be proud of yourself that you went, even though u couldnt play nearly your best.
DiaBoLuS *** HotS Grandmaster level Protoss / 6x GM in WoL & Dota2 very high bracket pub player *** TOP 30 Foreigner Ranking (Blog) - http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=416594 ***
Great work mini, getting back on track seems to be the right thing for you. There are a lot of people who want you to succeed, myself included, but it doesn't have to be in SC2. Getting a degree, a job you like, and moving on with "life milestones" is really the only cure for depression, since such accomplishments are naturally fulfilling. As for your image, my advice would be to change the things you are in control of changing, and be realistic about the way you were built (height and other physical characteristics don't matter, they aren't who you are or represent how hard you have worked in the past or anything silly like that). Since you like competition and (as I suspect) you are clearly capable of driving yourself to great heights, you should check out some weightlifting communities. Sure there are a ton of bozos out there, but I think at the heart of it you will find people who are simply passionate about physical health and bodybuilding. In everything you do, be it lifting, gaming, school, or relationships, focus on the process and not the results. To be horribly simplistic, if you want to be happy, you shouldn't try skydiving, running, scuba-diving, wine-tasting, dancing, and all things in between because you're sure one of those things will make you happy. You should sit around, do nothing, and then listen when you hear a voice in your head saying, "Hey, I wanna do that."
Last edit: 2012-11-20 00:32:21
Knowing is half the battle... the other half is lasers.
KawaiiRice United States. November 20 2012 00:49. Posts 2818
I had no clue. Glad to hear your getting better. Best of luck with everything. I love your stream, the play is great, some of the calls with the ROOT guys were hilarious and yes Guns and Broaches was the sickest 2v2 team ever. I hope happiness finds you as you brought it to so many through your stream.
Clawfinger Canada. November 20 2012 01:01. Posts 180
Sorry to hear about your depression/stress. I've always thought you were one of the most underrated NA players that could easily take games off good Koreans if you performed at your best. Good luck in the future!
MinimalistSC2 United States. November 20 2012 01:13. Posts 121
<3. Crohn's sucks. Can't debate backing off on the stress and weird diet of an E-sports schedule with it, I can only imagine the hell it'd play on my guts.
If you want a suggestion on exercise that works with Crohn's, I've used rock climbing and TKD to stay fit since getting diagnosed a few years back. It's not as intense as lifting, doesn't involve being out of reach of a bathroom like running/biking (well, climbing does, but it's far enough out of reach not to matter), and they're pretty good for stress relief too.
http://jinglehelltech.blogspot.com -- Pics of my rig in Profile
Gibbas[Arm] United States. November 20 2012 01:29. Posts 6
Hey man! I just recently had a bout with social anxiety. In my case, it was bad enough for me to flunk out of school because I was afraid of class, other students, and even just leaving my apartment. When I actually realized that something was going on (since there seems to be a fair bit of denial involved in these sorts of things) I got myself into my schools counseling program, mostly because it's cheaper than a professional counselor. I'm not gonna tell you it's a miracle cure or anything, but in five months of hard work I feel much, much better about myself and everything else in life.
If you're up to it, I would really, REALLY recommend finding a counselor. Good luck, man.