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| Rayzorblade United States. April 24 2008 00:21. Posts 1172 | Profile Blog # |
Dear Ray,
(and parenthetically - but not insignificantly! - "Happy End" tissue paper)
Oh, it's just an honor, is what it is. You cannot begin to imagine what kind of pessimism filled me right before you sat down. That dirty toilet seat! That stained porcelain! All that dirty, foreign pubic hair! I suppose that, after gorging on all that airline food and the free cocktails, it was fitting for you to have found that tissue, in the midst of mud-butt. It must have seemed, even, apropos to have found a thing as moist and soft and sweet as it.
You cannot begin to imagine what kind of dread filled me as we deplaned and your guts began to bubble in that familiar "bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbblurrrrrrg" manner they sometimes do after a Spicy Crunchwrap Supreme. But I knew that this would not be as simple as disposing of some fickle late-night snack. The shitty airline food and cheap liquor - coupled with your scorn for using airplane latrines - had given your lower intestines ample time to stew and made for a frightening combination. This was not just going to be some sputtering Mount St. Helen's - this was a veritable apocalypse, the runny, explosive equivalent of a Mount Vesuvius. (Need I really continue with the metaphor to illustrate just what was going to happen to yours truly, Your Ass?)
What a beautiful surprise it was then, as you pressed me against the "toilette" (as it is called in this country) and, as I began my long, helpless blubbering of shit, you noticed the strange-looking package at the edge of the shelf, wobbling there at the edge like an ungainly, out-crowd fat girl. You looked at it curiously, trying to decipher the strange writing, and groaned - between a gasp of breath and shit - "toiletten-papier?" You reached into it and withdrew a couple of moist sheets and the smell that accompanied their arrival took me back, way back, to the days when I was cared for properly: rinsed, patted, and powdered. Then you brought that "Happy End" tissue to me and it was all aloe Vera-scented heaven.
I had never been so clean before - not even when I was rinsed, patted, and powdered; not even when that red-haired fiend you call your Mother would kiss my cheeks gleefully and exclaim, "Isn't that the cutest tush eeeeeeeeeeeeeeevaaaaaaaaar?!" (Which was really quite humiliating for me, if you must know, which is why I would often retort with a "blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggb" and fart into her ugly face, or sometimes, when feeling especially devilish, I'd shit all over again). But I digress! This was not intended to be a letter of rebuke or nostalgia, but rather, a letter of gratitude - not, not to you, you mud-butting nitwit - to "Happy End" tissue paper.
Whoever you are, "Happy End" tissue paper, whoever brought you into this world, I thank you. I thank you for making my job - and life - cleaner, because let's be honest, between you and I, whenever I hear people say that they have "a lot of shit to deal with" at work, we both know they have no idea.
Rough translation is: "Happy End toilettenpapier: cause you never know when you'll be getting a rim-job."
Last edit: 2008-04-24 00:23:48
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| | A well-dressed man in the crosshairs. |
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| Mindcrime United States. April 24 2008 01:00. Posts 5939 | Profile # | |
| | That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery. |
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| Nitrogen United States. April 24 2008 01:04. Posts 5298 | Profile Blog # |
| Ode to the sounds you make when you shit + toilet paper |
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| XCetron April 24 2008 01:15. Posts 5192 | Profile # |
| we need a backup of the blog database just for these. |
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| {ToT}ColmA Japan. April 24 2008 01:32. Posts 1885 | Profile # |
| i never poop without my happy ending |
| | Miss A fighting \o/ I ve too many biases :( Hyosung Jia Min Soyu Lime Bora Yookyung <3 |
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| o3.power91 Bahrain. April 24 2008 01:41. Posts 5254 | Profile Blog # | |
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| Rayzorblade United States. April 24 2008 01:53. Posts 1172 | Profile Blog # |
o wow, didn't even realize it's my birthday - but not really! I'm in Germany, where it's still the 23rd! tonight girlfriend & I are gonna go to some fancy-schmancy restaurant and blow a ton of someone else's cash (she got a gift card from her boss) on the "gourmet" food.
update tomorrow on how expensive and/or shitty it was! |
| | A well-dressed man in the crosshairs. |
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| AdamBanks Canada. April 24 2008 02:10. Posts 920 | Profile Blog # | |
| | If I had a dime for every time You walked away I could afford to not give a shit And buy a drink and drown the day |
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| CDRdude United States. April 24 2008 02:27. Posts 5413 | Profile Blog # |
This is the best blog I've seen since Plexa updated  |
| | This is my signature. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. | |
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| o3.power91 Bahrain. April 24 2008 03:37. Posts 5254 | Profile Blog # |
On April 24 2008 01:53 Rayzorblade wrote:
o wow, didn't even realize it's my birthday - but not really! I'm in Germany, where it's still the 23rd! tonight girlfriend & I are gonna go to some fancy-schmancy restaurant and blow a ton of someone else's cash (she got a gift card from her boss) on the "gourmet" food.
update tomorrow on how expensive and/or shitty it was!
Have fun 
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