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 ToKoreaWithLove Norway. August 09 2008 09:24. Posts 7865 | Profile Blog |
![[image loading]](http://www.teamliquid.net/staff/ToKoreaWithLove/92736835_9a2f1c0b81_o.png)
Picture by cine
My Marla. The mischivious women, girl and child. The stepdaughter of a suicided father, the dancer, alcoholic, drug user, smoker, philosopher. Marla drives drunk without a licence, takes whatever she can find, whichever boytoy is available or whatever life throws her way in the moment. We can solve the riddle of life in an instant only to lose it in the next. Marla is the perfect child of the modern age. A free soul, a strong exterior, a sad story, the ability to drink twice as fast as anyone. The inability to express love and the desire to do so coupled with the unforfilled need to be a child, a loved one, a unique person in a world where we are all born and live life as monkeys in a zoo, as monks in a monestary.
We are empty shells, forfilling our eartly duties to the society we have built, catering to our own needs to feel fullfilled. We chase money, happyness as Angelina and Brad teaches us, self-improvement to spend time with our kids. Kids who, like us, will grow up longing for Steve's apple-branded white toys, spend 15 years in school and 40 years working 9 to 5, live most of their life between 4 walls and searhing for the feeling of usefullness. Our happyness is created by paid robots whose own false joy is based on the sense of accomplishment a 6-digit salary and a red italian sportcar gives.
I could love Marla. In the Hollywood, walking hand-in-hand in high grass, kissing under the stars, sitting by the ocean kind of way. In the unfortunate ways of my sex, my eyes have since I was a child been groomed to accept one kind of beauty. I, in my semi-abstract awareness still find myself drawn to the californicated, fake kind of women with their perfect tans, teeth and boobs picked off a store shelf, personality traded for long lush hair, their ability to think long since removed by the clensing ever-destroying aftermath of white powder, green grass, pink pills, blue drinks, pointy needles. An accelerated life under the influence, expending the body twice as fast and leaving the soul stranded in the first slope.
* * *
I want to have a real conversation. No cell phones, music, tv, jokes, stimulants. I don't want to share the attention with anything, because I am selfish. The dying art of listening. The rudeness that we accept from every angle. It's normal. Your fucking cellphone has nothing to do in our time. Youtube should die along with somethingawfull, internet porn and cable tv. You never have as amazing a conversation as you do with a joint between your fingers. Give me your full attention and I will give the same. A lost art is just old and boring, however the ability to single-task is rapidly dwindling from our collective gene pool. We can't be bothered to remember even the names of the people we meet. We wake up naked next to people we never bothered to know. We need drugs to interact with our own species. It's 2008 and we are dying.
* * *
This is just a short sample from a project I'm working on. I'm looking for some feedback.
Thanks.Last edit: 2008-08-15 01:26:31
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| | Duty is heavy as a mountain, death is light as a feather. | Land of the free? |
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| ToKoreaWithLove Norway. August 09 2008 09:45. Posts 7865 | Profile Blog |
I'll specify a little. I'm looking for feedback on:
- Would you read more?
- Is it too much flower?
- Does it feel like something you've read before?
As it is now, I'm mixing things like these with a larger percentage of more direct writing and a real story.
Giving a rating is a good way to show what you think if you don't want to comment Last edit: 2008-08-09 09:46:55 |
| | Duty is heavy as a mountain, death is light as a feather. | Land of the free? |
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 DoctorHelvetica United States. August 09 2008 09:50. Posts 3637 | Profile Blog |
| Seems perhaps unrealistically angsty. Put contrasts of emotion. There needs to be happiness in the sadness, but the sadness has to win for it to be truly sad. |
| | Trust me, I'm a Doctor | second member of the "loli is not a crime" club! PM konadora to join | number one 815 fan! | ICCUP- doctorliquid/FrozenMarine |
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 DamageControL United States. August 09 2008 09:59. Posts 2095 | Profile Blog |
On August 09 2008 09:45 ToKoreaWithLove wrote:I'll specify a little. I'm looking for feedback on: - Would you read more? - Is it too much flower?
- Does it feel like something you've read before?
As it is now, I'm mixing things like these with a larger percentage of more direct writing and a real story. Giving a rating is a good way to show what you think if you don't want to comment
Yeah it feels like a rant by a 50 year old, and you hear them all the time. I suppose I would read more to see if you are going somewhere |
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| L Canada. August 09 2008 10:20. Posts 1986 | Profile Blog |
- Would you read more?
Skipped to the end 2 lines in.
sry : ( |
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 GeneralStan United States. August 09 2008 10:25. Posts 2358 | Profile Blog |
| I wouldn't read more. Its fairly shallow philosophizing and empty words about a woman we can't picture. You have some details about Marla, but in such broad terms that we don't get the feeling of the woman that you're trying to convey. Given that lack of connection, the language is too flowery, the emotions to grand, and somewhere along the lines I lose the impression that the narrator is a real person. |
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 Shymon United States. August 09 2008 13:30. Posts 349 | Profile Blog |
On August 09 2008 09:45 ToKoreaWithLove wrote:I'll specify a little. I'm looking for feedback on: - Would you read more? - Is it too much flower? - Does it feel like something you've read before? As it is now, I'm mixing things like these with a larger percentage of more direct writing and a real story. Giving a rating is a good way to show what you think if you don't want to comment
alrighty first part, yes i would read more. You have a nice little existential naritive that has a nice flow to it. It's been done before alot, but it's done fairly well here.
too much flower? maybe, but that's a pure style call imho.
And i got to say oh hell yes does this sound like something i have read before. It sounds alot like the style of writing Chuck Palahniuk uses in Fight club. Add to that the fact that you use the same character name (Marla) as in the book, AND the picture at the top is a cover art for an album by the band that did the Movie version of Fight Club's Theme (placebo), AND you asked this question makes me think that Fight Club was at the least an inspiration for this piece yes? |
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