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 Shiverfish Canada. August 03 2009 14:02. Posts 46 | Profile Blog |
I decided to chronicle my recent life story so that hopefully, sometime in the future, I can look back at my experiences and remember where I have been. I think it should neatly encompass all my previous blog entries at TL from the very beginning. I will also add some personal details where I have previously been vague – the context may impact the reader’s perspective . Some of my internet paranoia has also subsided, due to realizing that probably no one cares enough to trace my identity that far.
The overload of awesome can be a terrible thing. As some are painfully aware, I cultivate an extreme dose of self-esteem and confidence. It does not show through my public facade, but it deeply influences my attitudes towards situations.
My parents were not particularly strict in my upbringing. I must attribute most of that to my own unusually disciplined personality from a very early age. They have never had to worry about my succumbing to bad habits or influences. My intrinsic manners and good insight were unshakable, and I had learned early some more typically mature traits, such as long term planning and fiscal conservation. When I went to Chuck E Cheese or Woody Woodchucks to play those token operated arcade games, I always had trouble using up all the tokens my parents bought for me. I was already familiar with the value of money and controlled spending, carefully rationing my entertainment allowance. In the end my tokens would be shared amongst the others who had since used up their own.
I should be thankful, then, that I was not subject to the rigours of the super strict parent. In fact, the reverse became true. By the later grades of elementary school, my parents started to worry about my lack of social involvement with friends. I began to resemble a loner. At the time, I acknowledged the truth behind their words, but decided I did not mind my relatively quiet lifestyle. Eventually, and today still, they began pushing me to go out to more parties, loosen up around new friends, and find myself a girlfriend. It is funny that they push me in this direction instead of the more typical youth worries.
So where does that put me right now? You’ve heard this before, maybe. I am an academic super star. I am all-around athletically beastly. My main sport is badminton (if you are snickering at that, think again). As an interesting note, to my great surprise I won the grade nine men’s physical education/gym award. I also happen to be a guitar virtuoso. As one friend once commented in admiration, “You’re pro at everything.” Bear in mind I am not such a pompous asshole in real life – I use this language mainly for comical effect.
Now I am 21. I had initially put my university and program of study here, but edited it out due to the details I wrote later on. It happens to be so exclusive that divulging this would narrow down my identity too much. It is jokingly known to other students as the “ten person per year” program. Those who have heard of it might appreciate what it means to be enrolled in it.
That brings me to my first major life failure. I have always thrived in a competitive environment. I have always been able to break through the competition and claim my just rewards. Many of my peers in the accounting stream were able to land jobs at the big four accounting firms. That I was not able to land such a position was perplexing and a big blow to me. I did not, and still do not, understand what kind of demented selection criteria they use. I had to settle for another CA firm. What mattered to me was pay, prestige and work experience. Other top-tier qualified candidates I knew shared my predicament, but at least were able to get mid-size firms. I was in the end shafted to a small CA firm out of town and not what I wanted.
In the beginning, I thought it wouldn’t be too big of a deal. Since I was desperate at that point to get a job, I agreed to my last available offer, without asking about my salary. This was not a mistake on my part since I had no other choice, but was heavily disappointed when I found my salary was practically half of what some of my peers were making. That’s ok... it’s just a temporary eight month co-op term anyways, right? It would be over soon.
But as the days continued to pass, I was more and more disconnected. Everyone at this small firm was over 30. Not really a big deal, except it just compounded my own inability for small talk with this generation divide, for I was not accustomed to befriending this demographic. As these problems grew on my mind, I resented my job more and more. I can not fault my co-workers for this, however – I take credit for my shortcomings that make my own life miserable. After perhaps the first month or so, I deeply despised where I was headed each morning.
I became extremely depressed at this point, moreso than at any other time in my life. Then the problem of my lack of friends came back to haunt me. I did not really have close ties to high school friends at home. Those that were close to me had moved farther away to make meeting inconvenient. Any that were still around did not seem to go out much, or if they did, never invited me along. My newer friends I had made at university were scattered around the area, but none within a convenient proximity for a casual chat. I felt absolutely alone and left out.
But something else must have been troubling me. Even when we did sometimes meet up for a party or gathering, I go, but at the end of the night I feel little different from before. Was it not the lack of social interaction that was bothering me? Then it must have been something else weighing on my mind. Here I decided that I had to resolve my inconclusive attraction to this girl. I had nothing more to lose. The story is in these posts:
Almost Nearly Gone
Subway Drains
Burying the Fantasy
The conclusion of that was no further relationship. I guess I never wrote exactly what I said. After the subway event, I told her on the phone, “I really meant what I said on Tuesday night. These past couple of months at co-op have been really hard on me. And throughout, I was always thinking of you. Whatever you might want to say, I just wanted to say this and go on with no regrets.” (sort of a grammar-edited, romanticized version, but I hope it came out somewhat resembling this).
So she declined. I thought that would be the end of that and my depression would subside. That at least another kind of heart-ache pain would replace my restless isolation problem. But strangely, not much was different at all. I still think of her more than I should, and am as frustrated as ever. I am confused with what I want. Lately, I’ve been daydreaming about the solution I have prepared, that is, jumping off a freeway overpass precisely aimed in the path of an oncoming truck. The impact would occur while I am still midair and cause an instant end. I would prefer the more stylistic and considerate method described in Snow Angel to avoid the resultant driver shock and traffic jam, but it is summer and I live in the city.
It is ironic that I chose to take the plunge by confessing my feelings to alleviate my depression. Instead, it has the unanticipated effect of truly dispatching any remaining hesitation and regrets. Now I am ready to exit without the uncertainty of this open issue.
There has been, however, an additional incentive. Many people would see this writing as the sign of an attention whore. I admit, that’s probably exactly what it is. I have been ignored for too long and it’s time to make myself known through tragedy. How pathetic, then, that if I do die like that, no one would probably find out for months. This has also been a persistent question in my mind: if I die, when will this person I value find out, and how would they take the news? I am convinced of the sad truth that aside from immediate family, those that I think of most would not know for a considerable time. I am simply never part of the loop, never part of the party, eternally the awkward outsider. Then that would make my death simply a waste. You can accuse me of being screwed up and perverted, but that is my detached nature to be objective.
I look in the mirror. I see a fine male specimen any girl with good taste would fantasize about. The problem: no one knows I exist. No one knows how secretly awesome I am. Actually, some people do realize I am awesome – the true problem is that for me to become attracted to a partner, I must warm up considerably from a very cool start. It takes a while, and the time is running out. I have experienced the taste of life after school, in the workforce. Opportunities in school will be ending soon, and the world afterwards is bleak. I worry for my future.
Well, my work term ended at the end of July. Accounting is boring and I am currently studying to write MCAT at the end of the month. Then I start school again in September. The feelings of depression are still with me. I harbour a deep jealousy knowing that others are enjoying their life more, that I play no role in it. Work, work, work... is that all there is for me? I don’t even want to become a doctor. I don’t care much about healing patients – in fact, in my world, the sick would be left to perish. I only pursue this path because it makes good, stable money and because I can.
Despite my personal malcontent with accounting, my employers rated me highly in work performance evaluation. All their comments were very good. I was able to leave a rather positive impression on them. I never knew I was that good at acting, but I had only considered it a professional responsibility. I guess, once again, because I can.
I sit in my room and wither the time away. My youth, so far, has been wasting away, and won’t be coming back. I am not sure how much I enjoy the time I spend in the company of friends, yet I feel left out of everything they enjoy on their own free time. I sit in my room and grow restless. My awesome is wasted in the confines of my room. What the hell do I want?
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 David Mudkips United States. August 03 2009 14:48. Posts 235 | Profile Blog |
Got a tl;dr version?
User was warned for this post.Last edit: 2009-10-02 22:44:17 |
| | Nony and Grrrr.... - Protoss foreigner pride |
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| Turbovolver Australia. August 03 2009 14:51. Posts 168 | Profile Blog |
Don't use your virtuousity as any sort of excuse, take a step back, think less, and find your place in life. From there, I'm sure stuff with girls will come a lot more naturally.
At the moment you are just saying "I have high standards but that's okay because I'm perfect, my only problem is people don't know I exist".
But that's not true, is it? Nor does it have to be! Nobody's perfect. |
| | iris is like, TvT maria ozawa or something - icystorage |
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 n.DieJokes United States. August 03 2009 15:23. Posts 742 | Profile Blog | |
| | Whoever is good. The best. Jaedong. - Gogo// Fuck Kespa |
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 LaLuSh Sweden. August 03 2009 15:24. Posts 579 | Profile Blog |
| I like your blog man. I'd like to offer some advice, but there's really no quick fix for what you're going through. Last edit: 2009-08-03 15:27:04 |
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 xJacky China. August 03 2009 15:29. Posts 282 | Profile Blog |
| what does tl;dr stand for? i know its like a shortened version? |
| | Love was supposed to be something women chased, not men. - Neil Strauss |
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 dyodyo Philippines. August 03 2009 15:32. Posts 492 | Profile Blog |
On August 03 2009 15:29 xJacky wrote:
what does tl;dr stand for? i know its like a shortened version?
too long; didn't read |
| | TeamLiquid CJ Entusman #26 |
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 emperorchampion Canada. August 03 2009 15:44. Posts 337 | Profile Blog |
On August 03 2009 14:02 Shiverfish wrote:
What the hell do I want?
Obviously to be recognized. You have a bad job, as of perceived appreciation of your skills. Your relationship isn't what you want it to be; you see yourself as someone who has what it takes- but cannot translate it into results. I'm not sure if you have asked yourself: is it others, or yourself who hasn't made the connection. Is it because you don't stand up to what you think you have, or is it that other people don't see what you have. Personally I think that a large problem is your obvious lack of empathy, and a fearfulness to try new things- especially those which you disdain. Maybe this is something that people can see, you don't care about stuff that you don't have to care about. Would a doctor who truly doesn't believe in helping people make it far? Undoubtedly they would make it, but make it far- that I doubt. People can see a passion for what ever you pursue, now accounting is boring (can't imagine that for a living) and you don't enjoy it; may I recommend finding something that you do enjoy? Something that you can put effort into, something meaningful to you; then see how far you can go with it.
I understand your predicament with relationships, many people would suggest going to a club, drinking, ect. to find someone. However in general, this doesn't attract the kind of people that you are looking for. Keep searching, and interact with people at places you enjoy. Even if the place is rather lame, if you are there, there are likely people who are similar to you- even if it is not apparent. Go out on to a limb for once, as you said "No regrets".
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 JohnColtrane August 03 2009 18:12. Posts 1715 | Profile Blog |
this is so dramatic
work is never fun or exciting
how much is half of what some of your peers get? is it enough to live comfortably? then who cares |
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| Milton Friedman October 02 2009 10:41. Posts 96 | Profile Blog |
That brings me to my first major life failure. I have always thrived in a competitive environment. I have always been able to break through the competition and claim my just rewards. Many of my peers in the accounting stream were able to land jobs at the big four accounting firms. That I was not able to land such a position was perplexing and a big blow to me. I did not, and still do not, understand what kind of demented selection criteria they use. I had to settle for another CA firm. What mattered to me was pay, prestige and work experience. Other top-tier qualified candidates I knew shared my predicament, but at least were able to get mid-size firms. I was in the end shafted to a small CA firm out of town and not what I wanted.
It's because you're isolated from other people. When it comes to the business workplace the main emphasis is always on teamwork, leadership and interpersonal skills. Then your ability is a more minor issue. Of course, there are going to be specialized areas where being technically excellent will get you far but generally speaking, as a fresh graduate your technical ability isn't considered high enough.
It doesn't matter if you're smarter and more intelligent than your peers; what matters is you can bullshit the interviewer and sex up your extra curricular activities involving teams and how you stood out. It's about how much you can pretend to be a great guy who befriends everyone. When the person opposite the desk asks you why you want to work for the firm you say you love the professional goal orientated culture that still manages to maintain a flat, friendly and approachable hierarchal structure. Why do you want to get into the industry? It's not for the money - it's because you love the challenge, the intellectual stimulation, the respect from others etc. Every firm will ask along these lines and most candidates will reply in a similar manner, almost like some kind of sacrificial ritual. Except the only thing being sacrificed here is your self respect.
Have you considered a career in academia? This isn't going to alleviate the problem of lack of social interaction but if you're great in your field then you can publish regardless of what others think of you as a human being. Also it allows you to gain a skill level that many people won't have, which makes you more employable by business because even though you don't have stellar people skills they want your knowledge.Last edit: 2009-10-02 10:42:16 |
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| TheAntZ Bangladesh. October 02 2009 13:41. Posts 609 | Profile Blog |
Its been asked/said before but I wonder if this guy just writes blogs this way to see how many people take them seriously  |
| | What happened to Horang1? || Kim_Hyun_Han: prety imprative taht u know, mind is like a parachute , only works when its open || Kim_Hyun_Han on gnomes: the only physical met i believe we had was actly an illusion caused by too much grape juice |
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| d3_crescentia United States. October 02 2009 19:00. Posts 501 | Profile Blog |
You should stop and take a moment to reflect on your life and what you've done with it so far. Is where you're going really the place you want to be 10, 20 years down the line? If not, then stop and figure out what it is you really want to do.
Find a good mentor or even a counselor or therapist and hammer it out. Hell, even your parents would work, since they seem to be pretty chill. |
| | once, not long ago, there was a moon here |
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 kidd United States. October 03 2009 01:05. Posts 2090 | Profile Blog |
On October 02 2009 13:41 TheAntZ wrote:Its been asked/said before but I wonder if this guy just writes blogs this way to see how many people take them seriously
Even if this is the case, he still is a really good writer. |
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 koreasilver Canada. October 03 2009 09:29. Posts 2722 | Profile Blog |
I can't believe someone named their ID "Milton Friedman".
Just wow. |
| | Canata gives new meaning to the phrase "time attacker." - EvoChamber |
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 DoctorHelvetica United States. October 03 2009 09:34. Posts 3632 | Profile Blog |
This dude cracks me up he doesn't even post about StarCraft he just posts these gigantic walls of text and waxes ultra-philosophical about his life.
I was actually wondering when I came back to TL if I was gonna see another shiverfish blog. Last edit: 2009-10-03 09:34:51 |
| | Trust me, I'm a Doctor | second member of the "loli is not a crime" club! PM konadora to join | number one 815 fan! | ICCUP- doctorliquid/FrozenMarine |
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| Milton Friedman October 03 2009 19:13. Posts 96 | Profile Blog |
On October 03 2009 09:29 koreasilver wrote:
I can't believe someone named their ID "Milton Friedman".
Just wow.
I didn't really intend to post when I made the account, I just wanted to play the Liquibet. Anyway, is the principle motivation really that different to those who make accounts with names based off progamers? Or in reference to a character in popular culture? |
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| The_Australian Australia. October 03 2009 20:49. Posts 231 | Profile |
"I am an academic super star"
Didn't you try to argue that recessive alleles are negative in an organism? Most of the people i know dont take biology class and know that thats not true... |
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NeVeR August 03 2009 14:32. Posts 589