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On January 19 2012 18:54 Encrypto wrote:Show nested quote +On January 19 2012 12:57 Crakalaka wrote:+ Show Spoiler + I just fucking hate it how I'm in a constant state of ennui, how everyday I get judged by the people who love me(and who better to judge you than a bunch of random strangers who will cuddle you with lies).
I miss all my ex girlfriends, and I don't really regret any of my decision making but honestly I wish they just didn't hate me or talk shit about me. I have come to terms with even my first ex and my last ex, 5 in total.
One, I can't ever keep a conversation with her it's always "oh hey" sup "hows life?" "i miss you" i miss you too
GOD DAMNIT
and then, there's the whole 'sober' issue that I have with myself, I mean, why stay sober? Even my dad went sober for a month, and when I asked him "Dad, how did that go?", he told me "I feel great!" and I was like :D then he yelled out "BUT IT'S BORING AS FUCK"
and I made him relapse that very moment.
I am a bad influence but I can't help it my parents don't know shit, they think everyone else is the 'bad influences' so I shouldn't be hanging out with this person or that person or this other person...
honestly, if my parents kept track of all the people they 'didn't want hanging out with me', they would have known by now that I am the great influence, I made everyone try drugs and I was the one who started all those fires in my town which lead to a crazy arson-rage
GOD DAMNIT I just hate it when my dad has to 'care' about my life and ask 'so what are you going to do with your life?' That question always drives me so far to the edge I might just jump off one day, pull out my .22 and shoot my dad in the face and run to the 7-story building and just jump the fuck off...
I am clinging by the skin of my teeth and nobody knows it...
Seriously, everything always gets better. Ending life is never the solution. It may seem like you've gone too far down, but the only place you are gonna go from there is up. Life is hard. That's how it's supposed to be. You just have to view it as a puzzle and try to think of the solution, and once you see it, or just glimpse it, you'll be so happy you did. Trust in yourself, change the way you live, have confidence that you are important. Damn, I need to live by this lol. Well, hope I contributed to your day in some small way.
+ Show Spoiler +As empty as those words may feel, I enjoy the presence of comforting lies; actually, I have fully accepted them. If one is to maintain a lie, it has to be a good one, right? Nobody goes around telling lies about how they just "made out with the hottest girl in class" or "achieved first base" with the one that got away,
It's always 'YEA WE DOUBLE PLUGGED THAT BITCH ME AND MY HOMEBROTHERSKILLETBOY' So I mean, we have to do something about all these 'maintained lies', right? Well some people formed 'religions' based on certain, holy 'lies', lies so powerful that if the truth were revealed, entire civilizations would crumble. So they keep the lies written down in books to tell other people about it and not contradict themselves.
Honestly, reading your wall of words, the actual words didn't even say a word to me, just the way you seemed to crunch out that dry reply, and even saying "Damn, I need to live by this lol" is enough for me to accept it as the greatest lie ever told: That everything is going to be okay.
Really? I get that lie told to me everyday, it's probably the biggest one, the catholic church down the street lies to everyone too.
why am I preaching of the existence of such lies?
Because such a lie works on everyone, it calms people down. It keeps everyone in order. Nobody is punching anyone. Everything is swept under the carpet until someone picks it up. Usually you don't talk about the dirt under your carpet but SOMEONE else will.
The lies are the light. Hitler's concept was "if you're going to lie, might as well make it a big one." Ignorance truly is bliss, because once we 'see' or 'glimpse' that truth, you can never unglimpse it again- you will forever know.
I was given the unfortunate information that our lives are meaningless and impossible to maintain without many lies, so now I am in this sort of ennui, semi-out of body experience constantly.
What made me like this? My friend, he tried committing suicide. He called me before, told me to come over. He was having another emo rant about how histrionic he is and me, being the basic 'human' that I am, started preaching to him about how life is good and that everything will be okay, and he looked at me and said "you don't have to lie to a dead man, you know?"
That killed me
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i think that'd be a great thread for IdrA :D
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iCant iFucking iStand the iFad of iPutting an I in iFront of iEvery iFucking iThing
iFUCK iYOU iOK !!!!!!!
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On January 20 2012 00:46 Kickboxer wrote: iCant iFucking iStand the iFad of iPutting an I in iFront of iEvery iFucking iThing
iFUCK iYOU iOK !!!!!!! iPissedmyself. iThankyou.
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+ Show Spoiler +Fucking protoss is the fucking easiest, cheesiest and pussiest race ever. FUCK PROTOSS
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i don't think anyone here will care about what ill write but i write this because i want to feel better and not because everyone here should call me faggot or pussy so please if you dont agree with what im writing please tell me in a mannered way.
+ Show Spoiler +Basically, I don't enjoy my life as it is now. why? i dont really know.. i feel shallow and that im just walking through a life not doing anything meaningful. i try to keep a smiling face on the outside but its too hard when you dont enjoy anything you do. i hate it. I think the reason why I do not enjoy my life anymore is because im so insecure. Insecure about everything. Pretty much the Internet is the only place where I'm not scared to tell people about my opinions about things. That's one of the big reasons to why I love TL so much.
Ive been this insecure all my life. A little piss that noone cares about. im that invisible guy noone notices. however, i want to change this - im just too much of a kid. im scared. i often dont even dare wearing new clothes because then everyone will just laugh at me and say "Hey got new clothes man? stop trying so hard with the ladies hahahaha" etc.
my family is poor. my mother works really hard as a teacher and basically she earns basically nothing. she has studied i think 4 years at university here in sweden and still people at my school make more money than her. my dad also works for a shit salary (compared to most in sweden) but atleast its a bit bigger (higher?) than my moms. to conclude i can say that both my parents work really hard to get money for this family and this is one of the reasons to why i dont want to tell them that i feel like my life is shit. itd destroy everything they built for me. itd make them feel worthless. i dont want that for them since they are my heroes. im just too spoiled to not realize that this is a good life compared to the ones most people in this world have.
why am i telling you about my family? well i think that also has to do with me being so insecure. through all my life ive been ashamed of not having rich parents. when my friends have asked me what i got for christmas id often exaggerate and tell them id got loads of things which i of course didnt. i guess most of you think this is pathetic behaviour and i agree. i am pathetic and i need to work with that.
i had some friends when i was younger and it was back then i told one of them that i liked a girl in our class. he started laughing hysterically at me and telling me that i was way too short and way too weak for her. that she was in another league (she was). the reason to why i thought she might be interested in me was that she once told me she thought i had a cool eye - when i was 5 years old i was in an accident with my right eye got almost blind and my pupil got fucked up so now my right eye looks like a cat-eye. when she told me she thought it looked cool i got really happy and thought maybe something could happen between us. however that was really naive lol. then my friend decided it was nice to tell everyone in our class that i had a crush for this girl. i called in sick (im sorry i dont know if this is correct) for a whole week in school because i was too ashamed. what im ashamed of nowadays though is that i lied to my parents that week. i told them i was feeling sick and it made my mother stay home from work several days. we lost even more money because of the fact that i cant stand up for my opinions and because of the fact that im pathetic.
and i owe my parents alot of money. during my childhood ive spent alot of time at hospitals - i had to spend almost a month in a hospital bed because of my eye (although back then i had super mario to play so it was fine for me : ) ) and also my right ear is almost completely fucked up. ive had 2 pärlcystor (ive no idea what this word is in english and google translate wont translate it) and for some reason my right ear is just getting worse. so because of all my mistakes and shit my parents lost alot of money (they got money but not nearly as much as they should have done if theyd have worked all the time) so i feel like i owe them, big time. this is also one of the reasons to why i need to get a good job.
when i was like 14-16 years old i came to realize a bit more about what big difference money makes. people dont want to hang out with a poor kid. people want to be with rich kids with big TVs and video games. this made me angry because i knew my parents worked so much more and harder than these kids' parents. still, they got to have all this fancy stuff in their house. so when i started talking about things like this i immediately got called "communist" and "stalin" etc. im really far from being a communist but alot of people really cant handle peoples opinions. when they hear something they dont agree with they shout at it with aggressive words. thats what everyone i spoke to did to me. i even got beat up once in school for saying that i think girls should be allowed to play football (soccer) with the boys too. i got called faggot, pussy and i was by most of the pupils (even the girls of course) seen as a "girl inside a boy". so i shut up. i didnt dare talking to anyone about what i thought about anything anymore. of course also this made me as insecure as i am today.
when i was younger i had some friends whom according to me were pretty rich. one of them was at my home once (i guess i was around 13-14 then aswell) - we were supposed to 'hang out' at my place. when he got in my house he immediately said "wow this was an uncleaned home". i almost started crying because i know my mom wouldntve wanted him to look at our home as that. she wouldve wanted to fix the place before he came but she didnt have time - she had work to do. anyway, this friend of mine broke my heart when he said that. i even more realized how different my family was to these other families. i still socialized (?) with this guy though because he for some reason still wanted to be my friend. however, ever since hed been to my house he was this obnoxious little prick always speaking about my family as monkeys, parasites, retards and what else. i on the other hand always saw his dad as the devil - he made shitloads of money, was the biggest sexist ive ever met and always, when i was at their house, asking me how my parents were doing; he often asked questions like this "So how's your mother? She works at the school here right? Yeah, too bad she couldn't become anything else than a teacher but I'm sure she enjoys it though. I really love my job, just came home from Australia"
i was so mad because i knew my parents deserved more than this. they were so much nicer to everyone and so much more intelligent than this asshole and his barbie wife. ever since my childhood ive decided to prove them wrong. prove to them that people from poor families also can become "something good". i spoke to this ex-friend not so long ago and he said he wanted to study Industrial Engineering and Management but that he probably wouldnt have the grades. i got really happy when he said that because ive always wanted this idiot to suffer atleast from something. a little bit. since ill have almost full grades when i apply to university ive actually been thinking about applying for that very programme he wanted to get into. just to show him im better than him in some aspects. to show him that me and my family arent inferior to his in any way. however since that programme probably would bore me to death i decided to not apply for it. although i am going to study either eng. mathematics, biomed. engineering or biotech so i guess he will be somewhat jealous. atleast i hope he will.
but i dont want to be like this. this might sound weird but i dont want to want him to suffer. i cant stop thinking about how good itd feel to just shove it up his face that im getting better education than him. shove it up his face like he had done with all my opinions everytime i opened my mouth, like he did when i i dont want to think like this. i dont want to think about wanting people to suffer but i dont know how to stop. i really need to work with this.
I know this text might seem very self-centered and im really sorry but i just wanted to write this so i can think about everything. And i also realize that theres a big possibility that noone in this community will understand what the purpose of writing this text is and understand what im talking about.
If you have any tips on what i should do to improve my confidence and make me enjoy my life more id be really grateful if you told me. it doesnt matter if its something really simple. thanks : )
Also, I know both my grammar and my english sucks so you don't have to tell me that.
edit: for some reason i wrote "earn" instead of "owe" lol. ironic
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On January 20 2012 03:32 tsilaicos wrote:i don't think anyone here will care about what ill write but i write this because i want to feel better and not because everyone here should call me faggot or pussy so please if you dont agree with what im writing please tell me in a mannered way. + Show Spoiler +Basically, I don't enjoy my life as it is now. why? i dont really know.. i feel shallow and that im just walking through a life not doing anything meaningful. i try to keep a smiling face on the outside but its too hard when you dont enjoy anything you do. i hate it. I think the reason why I do not enjoy my life anymore is because im so insecure. Insecure about everything. Pretty much the Internet is the only place where I'm not scared to tell people about my opinions about things. That's one of the big reasons to why I love TL so much.
Ive been this insecure all my life. A little piss that noone cares about. im that invisible guy noone notices. however, i want to change this - im just too much of a kid. im scared. i often dont even dare wearing new clothes because then everyone will just laugh at me and say "Hey got new clothes man? stop trying so hard with the ladies hahahaha" etc.
my family is poor. my mother works really hard as a teacher and basically she earns basically nothing. she has studied i think 4 years at university here in sweden and still people at my school make more money than her. my dad also works for a shit salary (compared to most in sweden) but atleast its a bit bigger (higher?) than my moms. to conclude i can say that both my parents work really hard to get money for this family and this is one of the reasons to why i dont want to tell them that i feel like my life is shit. itd destroy everything they built for me. itd make them feel worthless. i dont want that for them since they are my heroes. im just too spoiled to not realize that this is a good life compared to the ones most people in this world have.
why am i telling you about my family? well i think that also has to do with me being so insecure. through all my life ive been ashamed of not having rich parents. when my friends have asked me what i got for christmas id often exaggerate and tell them id got loads of things which i of course didnt. i guess most of you think this is pathetic behaviour and i agree. i am pathetic and i need to work with that.
i had some friends when i was younger and it was back then i told one of them that i liked a girl in our class. he started laughing hysterically at me and telling me that i was way too short and way too weak for her. that she was in another league (she was). the reason to why i thought she might be interested in me was that she once told me she thought i had a cool eye - when i was 5 years old i was in an accident with my right eye got almost blind and my pupil got fucked up so now my right eye looks like a cat-eye. when she told me she thought it looked cool i got really happy and thought maybe something could happen between us. however that was really naive lol. then my friend decided it was nice to tell everyone in our class that i had a crush for this girl. i called in sick (im sorry i dont know if this is correct) for a whole week in school because i was too ashamed. what im ashamed of nowadays though is that i lied to my parents that week. i told them i was feeling sick and it made my mother stay home from work several days. we lost even more money because of the fact that i cant stand up for my opinions and because of the fact that im pathetic.
and i earn my parents alot of money. during my childhood ive spent alot of time at hospitals - i had to spend almost a month in a hospital bed because of my eye (although back then i had super mario to play so it was fine for me : ) ) and also my right ear is almost completely fucked up. ive had 2 pärlcystor (ive no idea what this word is in english and google translate wont translate it) and for some reason my right ear is just getting worse. so because of all my mistakes and shit my parents lost alot of money (they got money but not nearly as much as they should have done if theyd have worked all the time) so i feel like i owe them, big time. this is also one of the reasons to why i need to get a good job.
when i was like 14-16 years old i came to realize a bit more about what big difference money makes. people dont want to hang out with a poor kid. people want to be with rich kids with big TVs and video games. this made me angry because i knew my parents worked so much more and harder than these kids' parents. still, they got to have all this fancy stuff in their house. so when i started talking about things like this i immediately got called "communist" and "stalin" etc. im really far from being a communist but alot of people really cant handle peoples opinions. when they hear something they dont agree with they shout at it with aggressive words. thats what everyone i spoke to did to me. i even got beat up once in school for saying that i think girls should be allowed to play football (soccer) with the boys too. i got called faggot, pussy and i was by most of the pupils (even the girls of course) seen as a "girl inside a boy". so i shut up. i didnt dare talking to anyone about what i thought about anything anymore. of course also this made me as insecure as i am today.
when i was younger i had some friends whom according to me were pretty rich. one of them was at my home once (i guess i was around 13-14 then aswell) - we were supposed to 'hang out' at my place. when he got in my house he immediately said "wow this was an uncleaned home". i almost started crying because i know my mom wouldntve wanted him to look at our home as that. she wouldve wanted to fix the place before he came but she didnt have time - she had work to do. anyway, this friend of mine broke my heart when he said that. i even more realized how different my family was to these other families. i still socialized (?) with this guy though because he for some reason still wanted to be my friend. however, ever since hed been to my house he was this obnoxious little prick always speaking about my family as monkeys, parasites, retards and what else. i on the other hand always saw his dad as the devil - he made shitloads of money, was the biggest sexist ive ever met and always, when i was at their house, asking me how my parents were doing; he often asked questions like this "So how's your mother? She works at the school here right? Yeah, too bad she couldn't become anything else than a teacher but I'm sure she enjoys it though. I really love my job, just came home from Australia"
i was so mad because i knew my parents deserved more than this. they were so much nicer to everyone and so much more intelligent than this asshole and his barbie wife. ever since my childhood ive decided to prove them wrong. prove to them that people from poor families also can become "something good". i spoke to this ex-friend not so long ago and he said he wanted to study Industrial Engineering and Management but that he probably wouldnt have the grades. i got really happy when he said that because ive always wanted this idiot to suffer atleast from something. a little bit. since ill have almost full grades when i apply to university ive actually been thinking about applying for that very programme he wanted to get into. just to show him im better than him in some aspects. to show him that me and my family arent inferior to his in any way. however since that programme probably would bore me to death i decided to not apply for it. although i am going to study either eng. mathematics, biomed. engineering or biotech so i guess he will be somewhat jealous. atleast i hope he will.
but i dont want to be like this. this might sound weird but i dont want to want him to suffer. i cant stop thinking about how good itd feel to just shove it up his face that im getting better education than him. shove it up his face like he had done with all my opinions everytime i opened my mouth, like he did when i i dont want to think like this. i dont want to think about wanting people to suffer but i dont know how to stop. i really need to work with this.
I know this text might seem very self-centered and im really sorry but i just wanted to write this so i can think about everything. And i also realize that theres a big possibility that noone in this community will understand what the purpose of writing this text is and understand what im talking about. If you have any tips on what i should do to improve my confidence and make me enjoy my life more id be really grateful if you told me. it doesnt matter if its something really simple. thanks : ) Also, I know both my grammar and my english sucks so you don't have to tell me that.
Dude, one thing I learned through my 26 little years on this planet, is that difficulties make you stronger. I've had a difficult life during my childhood, my parents getting divorced when I was 4 because my father was doing heroin (and probably still is, though I have no idea about what he's doing right now except for the fact that he lives in Brazil for god knows what reason...) and a whole lot of other reasons, and I've just recently started to realize how this strengthened my being to a point that I am much more able to deal with stuff that happen everyday with a bit more of wisdom than a lot of my friends. Globaly, I really believe that a difficult early life will most likely be rewarded later on, and that you won't have to deal with that kind of shit when you get older, whereas others will have to learn it the hard way.
Don't give a shit about what others think. Do what you want, do what makes you proud of yourself, whatever that is. It is difficult for sure, but damn worth it.
By the way, your english is fine, stop hitting yourself, life will do so for you. Don't help it. Don't think of yourself as a victim.
All the best my friend ♥
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On January 19 2012 19:47 Crakalaka wrote:Show nested quote +On January 19 2012 18:54 Encrypto wrote:On January 19 2012 12:57 Crakalaka wrote:+ Show Spoiler + I just fucking hate it how I'm in a constant state of ennui, how everyday I get judged by the people who love me(and who better to judge you than a bunch of random strangers who will cuddle you with lies).
I miss all my ex girlfriends, and I don't really regret any of my decision making but honestly I wish they just didn't hate me or talk shit about me. I have come to terms with even my first ex and my last ex, 5 in total.
One, I can't ever keep a conversation with her it's always "oh hey" sup "hows life?" "i miss you" i miss you too
GOD DAMNIT
and then, there's the whole 'sober' issue that I have with myself, I mean, why stay sober? Even my dad went sober for a month, and when I asked him "Dad, how did that go?", he told me "I feel great!" and I was like :D then he yelled out "BUT IT'S BORING AS FUCK"
and I made him relapse that very moment.
I am a bad influence but I can't help it my parents don't know shit, they think everyone else is the 'bad influences' so I shouldn't be hanging out with this person or that person or this other person...
honestly, if my parents kept track of all the people they 'didn't want hanging out with me', they would have known by now that I am the great influence, I made everyone try drugs and I was the one who started all those fires in my town which lead to a crazy arson-rage
GOD DAMNIT I just hate it when my dad has to 'care' about my life and ask 'so what are you going to do with your life?' That question always drives me so far to the edge I might just jump off one day, pull out my .22 and shoot my dad in the face and run to the 7-story building and just jump the fuck off...
I am clinging by the skin of my teeth and nobody knows it...
Seriously, everything always gets better. Ending life is never the solution. It may seem like you've gone too far down, but the only place you are gonna go from there is up. Life is hard. That's how it's supposed to be. You just have to view it as a puzzle and try to think of the solution, and once you see it, or just glimpse it, you'll be so happy you did. Trust in yourself, change the way you live, have confidence that you are important. Damn, I need to live by this lol. Well, hope I contributed to your day in some small way. + Show Spoiler +As empty as those words may feel, I enjoy the presence of comforting lies; actually, I have fully accepted them. If one is to maintain a lie, it has to be a good one, right? Nobody goes around telling lies about how they just "made out with the hottest girl in class" or "achieved first base" with the one that got away,
It's always 'YEA WE DOUBLE PLUGGED THAT BITCH ME AND MY HOMEBROTHERSKILLETBOY' So I mean, we have to do something about all these 'maintained lies', right? Well some people formed 'religions' based on certain, holy 'lies', lies so powerful that if the truth were revealed, entire civilizations would crumble. So they keep the lies written down in books to tell other people about it and not contradict themselves.
Honestly, reading your wall of words, the actual words didn't even say a word to me, just the way you seemed to crunch out that dry reply, and even saying "Damn, I need to live by this lol" is enough for me to accept it as the greatest lie ever told: That everything is going to be okay.
Really? I get that lie told to me everyday, it's probably the biggest one, the catholic church down the street lies to everyone too.
why am I preaching of the existence of such lies?
Because such a lie works on everyone, it calms people down. It keeps everyone in order. Nobody is punching anyone. Everything is swept under the carpet until someone picks it up. Usually you don't talk about the dirt under your carpet but SOMEONE else will.
The lies are the light. Hitler's concept was "if you're going to lie, might as well make it a big one." Ignorance truly is bliss, because once we 'see' or 'glimpse' that truth, you can never unglimpse it again- you will forever know.
I was given the unfortunate information that our lives are meaningless and impossible to maintain without many lies, so now I am in this sort of ennui, semi-out of body experience constantly.
What made me like this? My friend, he tried committing suicide. He called me before, told me to come over. He was having another emo rant about how histrionic he is and me, being the basic 'human' that I am, started preaching to him about how life is good and that everything will be okay, and he looked at me and said "you don't have to lie to a dead man, you know?"
That killed me
+ Show Spoiler +Sorry to sound cliche, but they're only lies if you make them lies. I've seen people who pull they're lives together and are an inspiration to many people. But maybe most of the time they're lies, yes. But I say them in the hopes that someone will trust this and believe them, and that's all that matters right? It's the best I can do here on the internet, try to give hope. If you believe there is hope, even when there is not, then there is hope.
My uncle was just diagnosed with cancer the other day and given 6 months to live. What do you do? What can I say to my cousins who are going through hell? Nothing more than lies, that's what. "Everything's gonna be ok." No, probably not. He only has 6 months! Chances are it's not going to be ok. But you still tell them that, you still hope for everything to be ok, you still believe and pray that everything will be alright. And you know what, you change your life based on that fact and you see the world in a different light. It's all about viewpoint, and you become a better person because of that. Most people don't, so that's why it is a lie. But if you do, you're the exception. You're the reason why the 'lies' are told.
My uncle may die, it's hard to accept. There is no lying to avoid the fact. But people can change. People can become better because of a bad situation. Just don't give up.
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On January 20 2012 04:41 iNbluE wrote:Show nested quote +On January 20 2012 03:32 tsilaicos wrote:i don't think anyone here will care about what ill write but i write this because i want to feel better and not because everyone here should call me faggot or pussy so please if you dont agree with what im writing please tell me in a mannered way. + Show Spoiler +Basically, I don't enjoy my life as it is now. why? i dont really know.. i feel shallow and that im just walking through a life not doing anything meaningful. i try to keep a smiling face on the outside but its too hard when you dont enjoy anything you do. i hate it. I think the reason why I do not enjoy my life anymore is because im so insecure. Insecure about everything. Pretty much the Internet is the only place where I'm not scared to tell people about my opinions about things. That's one of the big reasons to why I love TL so much.
Ive been this insecure all my life. A little piss that noone cares about. im that invisible guy noone notices. however, i want to change this - im just too much of a kid. im scared. i often dont even dare wearing new clothes because then everyone will just laugh at me and say "Hey got new clothes man? stop trying so hard with the ladies hahahaha" etc.
my family is poor. my mother works really hard as a teacher and basically she earns basically nothing. she has studied i think 4 years at university here in sweden and still people at my school make more money than her. my dad also works for a shit salary (compared to most in sweden) but atleast its a bit bigger (higher?) than my moms. to conclude i can say that both my parents work really hard to get money for this family and this is one of the reasons to why i dont want to tell them that i feel like my life is shit. itd destroy everything they built for me. itd make them feel worthless. i dont want that for them since they are my heroes. im just too spoiled to not realize that this is a good life compared to the ones most people in this world have.
why am i telling you about my family? well i think that also has to do with me being so insecure. through all my life ive been ashamed of not having rich parents. when my friends have asked me what i got for christmas id often exaggerate and tell them id got loads of things which i of course didnt. i guess most of you think this is pathetic behaviour and i agree. i am pathetic and i need to work with that.
i had some friends when i was younger and it was back then i told one of them that i liked a girl in our class. he started laughing hysterically at me and telling me that i was way too short and way too weak for her. that she was in another league (she was). the reason to why i thought she might be interested in me was that she once told me she thought i had a cool eye - when i was 5 years old i was in an accident with my right eye got almost blind and my pupil got fucked up so now my right eye looks like a cat-eye. when she told me she thought it looked cool i got really happy and thought maybe something could happen between us. however that was really naive lol. then my friend decided it was nice to tell everyone in our class that i had a crush for this girl. i called in sick (im sorry i dont know if this is correct) for a whole week in school because i was too ashamed. what im ashamed of nowadays though is that i lied to my parents that week. i told them i was feeling sick and it made my mother stay home from work several days. we lost even more money because of the fact that i cant stand up for my opinions and because of the fact that im pathetic.
and i earn my parents alot of money. during my childhood ive spent alot of time at hospitals - i had to spend almost a month in a hospital bed because of my eye (although back then i had super mario to play so it was fine for me : ) ) and also my right ear is almost completely fucked up. ive had 2 pärlcystor (ive no idea what this word is in english and google translate wont translate it) and for some reason my right ear is just getting worse. so because of all my mistakes and shit my parents lost alot of money (they got money but not nearly as much as they should have done if theyd have worked all the time) so i feel like i owe them, big time. this is also one of the reasons to why i need to get a good job.
when i was like 14-16 years old i came to realize a bit more about what big difference money makes. people dont want to hang out with a poor kid. people want to be with rich kids with big TVs and video games. this made me angry because i knew my parents worked so much more and harder than these kids' parents. still, they got to have all this fancy stuff in their house. so when i started talking about things like this i immediately got called "communist" and "stalin" etc. im really far from being a communist but alot of people really cant handle peoples opinions. when they hear something they dont agree with they shout at it with aggressive words. thats what everyone i spoke to did to me. i even got beat up once in school for saying that i think girls should be allowed to play football (soccer) with the boys too. i got called faggot, pussy and i was by most of the pupils (even the girls of course) seen as a "girl inside a boy". so i shut up. i didnt dare talking to anyone about what i thought about anything anymore. of course also this made me as insecure as i am today.
when i was younger i had some friends whom according to me were pretty rich. one of them was at my home once (i guess i was around 13-14 then aswell) - we were supposed to 'hang out' at my place. when he got in my house he immediately said "wow this was an uncleaned home". i almost started crying because i know my mom wouldntve wanted him to look at our home as that. she wouldve wanted to fix the place before he came but she didnt have time - she had work to do. anyway, this friend of mine broke my heart when he said that. i even more realized how different my family was to these other families. i still socialized (?) with this guy though because he for some reason still wanted to be my friend. however, ever since hed been to my house he was this obnoxious little prick always speaking about my family as monkeys, parasites, retards and what else. i on the other hand always saw his dad as the devil - he made shitloads of money, was the biggest sexist ive ever met and always, when i was at their house, asking me how my parents were doing; he often asked questions like this "So how's your mother? She works at the school here right? Yeah, too bad she couldn't become anything else than a teacher but I'm sure she enjoys it though. I really love my job, just came home from Australia"
i was so mad because i knew my parents deserved more than this. they were so much nicer to everyone and so much more intelligent than this asshole and his barbie wife. ever since my childhood ive decided to prove them wrong. prove to them that people from poor families also can become "something good". i spoke to this ex-friend not so long ago and he said he wanted to study Industrial Engineering and Management but that he probably wouldnt have the grades. i got really happy when he said that because ive always wanted this idiot to suffer atleast from something. a little bit. since ill have almost full grades when i apply to university ive actually been thinking about applying for that very programme he wanted to get into. just to show him im better than him in some aspects. to show him that me and my family arent inferior to his in any way. however since that programme probably would bore me to death i decided to not apply for it. although i am going to study either eng. mathematics, biomed. engineering or biotech so i guess he will be somewhat jealous. atleast i hope he will.
but i dont want to be like this. this might sound weird but i dont want to want him to suffer. i cant stop thinking about how good itd feel to just shove it up his face that im getting better education than him. shove it up his face like he had done with all my opinions everytime i opened my mouth, like he did when i i dont want to think like this. i dont want to think about wanting people to suffer but i dont know how to stop. i really need to work with this.
I know this text might seem very self-centered and im really sorry but i just wanted to write this so i can think about everything. And i also realize that theres a big possibility that noone in this community will understand what the purpose of writing this text is and understand what im talking about. If you have any tips on what i should do to improve my confidence and make me enjoy my life more id be really grateful if you told me. it doesnt matter if its something really simple. thanks : ) Also, I know both my grammar and my english sucks so you don't have to tell me that. Dude, one thing I learned through my 26 little years on this planet, is that difficulties make you stronger. I've had a difficult life during my childhood, my parents getting divorced when I was 4 because my father was doing heroin (and probably still is, though I have no idea about what he's doing right now except for the fact that he lives in Brazil for god knows what reason...) and a whole lot of other reasons, and I've just recently started to realize how this strengthened my being to a point that I am much more able to deal with stuff that happen everyday with a bit more of wisdom than a lot of my friends. Globaly, I really believe that a difficult early life will most likely be rewarded later on, and that you won't have to deal with that kind of shit when you get older, whereas others will have to learn it the hard way. Don't give a shit about what others think. Do what you want, do what makes you proud of yourself, whatever that is. It is difficult for sure, but damn worth it. By the way, your english is fine, stop hitting yourself, life will do so for you. Don't help it. Don't think of yourself as a victim. All the best my friend ♥
Pursue science or engineering, but not to get back at that guy, do it because you know what you want to do with it. I can relate to you I was wasting my life as a waiter for years. The money was good, so I never thought about anything but the present, until the future caught up to me. Now 31 I am back in school trying to get an electrical engineering degree. Why? Because I want to help develop advanced forms of nuclear power to give the whole world cheap, clean abundant and safe energy. In this way I will positively contribute to humanity's future. What you said about being productive and contributing is exactly right and you should feel good that you figured it out so young. Many people now waste their lives in meaningless pursuits and then can't figure out why they go through life depressed. I know I will be well paid for this, but that is not why I do it. You should figure out what you want to do to give back to society and then figure out what degree would best help you do that.
I also agree with the guy who said adversity early in life can be really beneficial. It can lead to problems for some, but many of the hardest working adults had childhoods full of adversity. So don't despair you have a lot of potential for greatness if you keep that in mind.
I hope this helps. You are on the right path if you are thinking about science or engineering for doing something productive with your life, and getting out of poverty. If I can give any advice from what I have learned so far in life it is that the two most important things in life to ensure success is that you are never afraid to work hard for a long time, and that when you say you will do something, you do it, always. Good luck!
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thanks @Perdac Curall and @iNbluE - your replies were nice and i really hope you're having great lives now. i hope youll enjoy your time both while studying electro and working as one perdac. : )
iNbluE im really sorry to hear about your dad and i really cant imagine how hard it mustve been. i hope youre fine nowadays though.. atleast as 'fine' as you want to be with it. if you understand.
ill remember what you guys said and try to think of all bad experiences as learning and rewarding in atleast some way. that way i can also prevent myself from getting really sad when something else happens in the future.
its just so hard to try to forget that there are so many ignorant people who dont care or even try to understand what kind of life one has. i really hate prejudices about people and people who are incapable of changing their view on a "certain kind" or whatever.
thanks anway=)
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Tsilaicos it sounds to me you are just hanging around the worst possible people. Spoiled, rich kids and their families are the emptiest, most vitriolic and vilest scumbags on planet earth and should be left to their own company (where they mostly backstab each other, laugh when their close friend overdoses on coke and generally try to fuck one another's whory girlfriends). If your class is filled with these turkeys just wait until uni and things will change. At any rate, do not waste your time with them they will use anyone they can in the dirtiest possible ways to bolster their own egos because, deep down inside, they are empty and pathetic shells of what human beings are supposed to be.
I'd suggest you to enroll into some good martial arts school, that does wonders for your self-confidence and your physical ability, and if the school is good it is generally full of great people. Also, try to find genuine hobbies and just pursue them, in time you will get good at whatever it is and it will make your life fulfilling.
Good luck, and take care of your eye because it sounds pretty cool
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Tsilaicos I read your post and I just wanted to tell you that you have great parents and that you need to cherish them. Theyre not giving you their money and time because they have to. They do it because they love you and want you to pursue your dreams. Find what you like, do it and dont care what other think. If you become a happy and kind person Im sure youre parents will be very proud of you. Now you just need to find something you like! If I were you Id go to the nearest library and just look at books of various subjects. There so much stuff thats interesting and its all waiting for you to explore.
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@kickboxer: im sure martial arts could be great fun and great for my confidence but im too weak for that lol. and i dont know if thats really the way to go... not sure if id enjoy it but thanks for a great suggestion. i take it youre biased though (your nickname) hehe. = )
although ill definitely take your other advice.. ill try to avoid these people as much as i can and find nice friends instead. i mean i have some good friends but they will most probably study in other cities than i in less than a year so i dont know if ill be able to be with them alot.. well see.
i guess i really need to find some good hobbies though. i like mathematics but its not like i crave for it lol.. i need something else. its kind of difficult to just start with anything random though... atleast it seems like it imo. but there really isnt any reason to why it should be hard so.. i guess i just have to work to find a hobby that suits me lol.
@Robinsa: yeah, i really love my parents and i cant understand what work theyve gone through to provide me with things.
i actually often go to the library (nerd) but usually im just there because im studying. guess i should read some other books too.
thanks for your answers, hvala and arigato!
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+ Show Spoiler +Why do people in forums insist that they are correct in the most narcissistic and arrogant fashion, as if they were ordained by god?! Fuck you arrogant assholes, learn some fucking respect and start utilizing that thing you think makes you superior...god I hate elitist assholes, its as if each one of them has a large bat, and a bully pulpit just waiting to set up so they can go play whack a mole to stroke their e-peen. What makes it worse is that more than half the time, they're not even right when they start to argue with people.
Also, FUCK TvZ!! God I suck at that t.t
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86k Viewers for LoL wtf? Death of SC2?
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+ Show Spoiler +I FUCKING HATE GETTING INTO TEAMS OF 4 RUSSIANS ON LOL WHO REFUSE TO SEPAK ANYTHING ELSE THEN RUSSIAN. THEY ONLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY TRONDOMERE AND IF THEY DONT GET HIM THEY FEED WITH EVE. GO FUCK YOURSELFS(Not all russians just the idiots on LoL)
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On January 19 2012 18:49 Encrypto wrote:Show nested quote +On January 05 2012 07:14 solidbebe wrote:On January 04 2012 06:33 Mawi wrote:+ Show Spoiler +First time i logged on sc2 since 2010 winter and logged in with my dark voice portrait i get 20+ msg HEY :DDD wanna play? lets play team leagues? lets pew pew wtf i dont even know these people and they think were friends.Pisses me off everyone thinks ur their friend when you dont even speak to them or never heard/seen em before. Mawi?? From the battlenet forums? With plintstorm and heathen and flatfiskegon or something like that, we held a tournament too. That mawi? OMG Mawi. Let me be your friend! You don't even have to know me or talk to me. All I want to do is ask you these questions and maybe I'll message you on StarCraft. I love you Mawi, possibly from the battlenet forums Mawi.
Is thinking you've found an old friend on another forum that insulting to you?
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+ Show Spoiler +I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and WHAT THE FUCK BANELINGS IN MY MAIN MINERAL LINE WHY GOD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
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+ Show Spoiler + Fucking piece of shit SLovenians, cant fucking play handball properly. God you are so bad and I hope you lose every game for the rest of this freakin decade. Great job ! Really you guys are so good, arrenging the result and doing it so freakin obvious is just a joke to the sport and everyone else. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU, I will update this when they lose, and I hope its soon. Piece of shits
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