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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 13 2017 13:39 CosmicSpiral wrote:Show nested quote +On December 13 2017 09:53 waffelz wrote: Why the fuck is dating so difficult? Why can’t it be simple? “Here bitch, have some perfectly round pebbles. We good now? Awesome.”. Or even better, why can’t it be even simpler. “Damn you brought me some perfectly round pebbles? Of course we are good now girl.” Except it almost is, as long as all you need are some pebbles. Well...technically we could get into the sociological and economic factors behind it. But intuition says you'd probably doze off before I get into the consequences of urbanization and the rampant validation enabled by social media.
Or reason tells you that the initial hook to my rant containing the equivalent of an internet myth about penguin dating isn’t the part that’s worth your attention
Show nested quote +On December 13 2017 09:53 waffelz wrote: In case you haven’t noticed, this will just be another rant. I am frustrated with dating, or more so with myself when it comes to dating. I feel like I am utterly incompatible with the dating scene I am more and more sliding into. It seems I am completely unable to feel much excited about anyone that I haven’t been around for some time beforehand. Depending on the person and how much it can take less long. It is somewhat similar when it comes to friends but as far as I am concerned it’s not really a problem there. It's paramount to establish which dating scene you're talking about here. If you're bemoaning the casual hookup culture of Tinder and its ilk, there's good news: a lot of guys share the same sentiment. The better news is that there are other, structured ways to meet girls without feeling like you're tossing your hook in the ocean.
I didn’t mean to get at the casual hookup culture of Tinder etc. since it seems not that hard to avoid. Its more the situations adults that work full time find themselves in where the number of people they encounter in a setting where getting to know each other is much more reduced compared to school / university or at least takes some effort. When you are in school you get introduced to a lot of people almost automatically and in university it is somewhat similar, though the gender distribution can greatly vary. You also have generally plenty opportunity to spend time with them in some form and to get to know them. I went to middle school before approaching my A level so I got a number of friends that went into only working full time much sooner than me. Amongst those it’s a pretty common term that they moved on to spend less time in pursuit of someone and the majority of their relationships tend to be the result of some form of initial attraction during the first few times while having met. Of course there are still some that get with someone they already know, but they aren’t as many, simply because the circle of friends only occasionally changes. Additionally, the number of people that aren’t in a relationship amongst the people in your circle also generally decreases, at least to my experience. In the end this leads to not necessarily more casual dating since at least a few of my friends are still very committed to find a partner, but a more accelerated process for those that strive for a relationship.
So in short, they generally spend less time on the pursuit unless the person is naturally around them anyways. Getting more of a routine after a certain amount of relationships might be a factor too. Of course this isn’t universally true for everyone, but from my observation it is most common and also makes sense given the above described circumstances.
While I know that there are of course alternatives to meeting women other than chatting up someone whose appearance catches your attention it wasn’t really in the scope of my rant. Also since it was a rant, it was a less solution oriented approach, a bit of a lazy hope that someone with similar experiences might see it and can chime in. So far I haven’t found someone that experienced the same and only very few of my friends can truly relate. Most of the discussions I had so far tended more towards people trying to fit my experiences into their own.
The whole feeling of tossing a hook in the ocenas fits very well though.
Show nested quote +On December 13 2017 09:53 waffelz wrote: What do I mean by this? I could be wrong, but I am certain I never really had any attraction for someone that I haven’t been around for some time, the fastest I ever started dating someone was after being around them for like 3 month and that was someone I spend a big part of multiple times a week with. Usually it takes a lot longer. At first I used to not really mind it. There was even a phase where I even felt quite good about it. It got a slight white knight touch of “I am just interested in M’Ladys character” which I liked for some time. Occasionally it made me feel a bit weird but overall it was ok. The ambivalence is seeping through in your words so I don't see any reason to doubt you. The main point to focus on, which may clear up things personally, is what you mean by attraction. Ordinary men finds sexual attraction to be instant or absent: it never develops over time and it is rarely impacted by surrounding context. Hints here and there suggest you mean something quite different. It sounds like you're describing infatuation or whatever mixture of affection and desire stands as your prerequisite for dating someone. Not entirely sure what you are getting at here in regards to my paragraph, so I will just try to answer in a general sense while trying to make connections to my parts where possible.
First of all I strongly disagree with your assertion that sexual attraction being rarely impacted by surrounding context. The surrounding context can strongly impact how you view and experience someone and therefore dictate if there is any room for sexual attraction. At the same time it can amplify otherwise possibly low sexual attraction. You are generally not attracted to relatives and while you might be able to claim biological reasons for that, there are other examples. Work relationships are a good example where to some people it is a huge deal breaker while for others it acts as an amplifier. Show someone a picture of a very attractive young women, then tell him she’s underage and watch context do its thing. Different people are susceptible to different context to a different degree but claiming it is rarely impacted by surrounding context seems like a very self-centered claim that is probably absolutely inaccurate even from that point of view. I would probably even go as far as to claim context is everything but better stop at context matters. Especially when it comes to the topic of sexual tension being either instant or absent since how you view someone can greatly influence if there is any room for sexual attraction. Otherwise you would feel attraction to everyone you see that meets your physical standards, while in reality you are indifferent to most of them.
I also feel that your part about infatuation is a bit self-centered to as if there was one definition of attraction / love or however you want to call it that all people share as a prerequisite for dating someone even though that is not true at all. I probably misunderstand you here, but to me it sounds like you are trying to boil down the general motivation for dating someone to sexual attraction what I would also object to. Sexual attraction is definitely a factor and probably the most shared one, but there are a lot more emotional aspects to it, as well as affection and desire like you said. I believe this to be true for most people, only the emphasis on different aspect varies.
Unless I misunderstood you and all you were getting at is that me dating someone isn’t just sexual motivated which I would agree with but at the same time wouldn’t describe as unusual. I might have a bit less emphasis on sexual motivations, but this isn’t that unusual. In general I feel that when it comes to serious relationships sexual attraction is a necessity for most people but not the most important part. It is more like a basic requirement. In general I feel that while I usually proceed things a bit slower, I am not very unusual when it comes to the actual dating phase, my frustration is more based in the fact that I need much more time before I stop to feel indifferent to anyone. This is also true when it comes to relations with people in general but it isn’t a problem there.
As an attempt to explain my sexual interests in someone, I am certain that my sexuality differs a bit from the norm. While you say ordinarily it’s not much impacted by surrounding context and doesn’t develop over time, to me it seems very much the opposite: it somewhat slowly develops, almost like its creeping up on me while being highly context depended in the sense that there has to be some preexisting form of intimacy or something that created emotional space for it to exist. In short, I never really experienced the cliché desire of fucking a random female friend. This goes even further, when dating someone it still takes a short period for me to have a notable physical attraction where I really want to have sex with them rather than it being just a nice bonus. I do feel some physical attraction to them, it’s just not very strong. I am definitely not prude and never felt uncomfortable regarding sex so that’s out of the picture for an explanation. I also wouldn’t describe myself as someone with asexual tendencies because all this aberrations from what I would consider the normal dynamics usually clears itself up at least after a few month in, after that I am just as crazy physically for my partner as I should, usually also with strongly increasing tendencies.
My best shot at explaining it is I know that sex to me seems very strongly tied to emotions in the sense that I have to feel somewhat serious about the person I am with. Feeling strongly about them seems to work as a very strong amplifier for the pleasure I get from it. I also know that I draw a lot of sexual satisfaction from the pleasure of my partner which seems tied to my feeling for her.
So an explanation to the whole “I am just interested in M’Ladys character” so far is that without having some affinity for her character the whole amplification isn’t there since I don’t feel strongly about her to get additional pleasure from it, while also not caring enough about her as a person to get much out of her pleasure. This also would explain why there isn’t any real sexual attraction towards random women: Since I don’t care about them, they can’t really provide me with what I want. The thing that makes me doubt this at least in parts is that it seems too farfetched for something that should rely more on basic instincts rather than doing some emotional cost-benefit analysis beforehand to evaluate the expected sexual gratification. It explains why casual sex has been a bit underwhelming but not much more.
A simpler solution suggested by a friend was some screwed up hormone levels, but I have been checked for that in the context of an unrelated issue on multiple occasions and there wasn’t anything unusual.
Show nested quote +On December 13 2017 09:53 waffelz wrote: It also made feeling strongly about someone very valuable to me, I feel like I would have approached things less seriously if I couldn’t be sure that my feelings were at least to a certain extend serious. It also shaped my views on relationships and my own responsibility when it comes to them in a way that I appreciate for the most part.
The downside of it is that I feel like it is much harder to get with someone. It’s either me getting chased by someone that got the determination and patience to stick around until I finally get started or someone that’s around me naturally and things develop mutually. Everything else seemingly just won’t happen since I either never spark up some interest or they lose theirs. One could write reams about the wording of the first paragraph. Suffice to say, my alarm bells go off when someone elevates the feeling of a connection over the connection itself. They ring even louder when it is followed up by vindication of the past. Don’t worry, it was more about not giving the impression that it’s a universally bad thing and that I am at least to some degree aware of its consequences. I am unsure about your bit about “elevates the feeling of a connection over the connection itself”, it was merely an observation of if you got plenty of something it usually becomes less valuable to you, which is why assume me being less prone to form serious feelings for someone (here also including friendships) might have led to me having a higher value for them, simply because I know that they aren’t as replaceable as other things.
Show nested quote +On December 13 2017 09:53 waffelz wrote: It took me some time to understand this about myself. A bit over a year ago or so I voiced my frustration with how men are seemingly required to do all the active stuff when it comes to dating. Back then I didn’t understand that this wasn’t really my problem and that I was frustrated with my inability to just fall for someone or at least be interested. I thought I was just lacking some initiation back then and I guess it was just the more obvious explanation. I still agree with the general gist to some extent, but I realize now that it wasn’t relevant. Well passivity sounds like a symptom of something greater. I wouldn't mark it off as personal preference since it's clear you're not comfortable with it. What annoys me about the more passive role of women in dating is the fact that both men and women assumingly want the same thing, yet women get an excuse from society for being passive. At the same time the men to some extend gets shunned for being passive. It’s just a model that seems stupid in my eyes since both get incentives to act in a way that not necessarily fits their comfortable behavior while the women even gets incentives to hold herself back from something. It is just something that I would like to be a thing of the past (which it definitely moves towards too, but it is still relevant enough to annoy me). There is more bad that comes from it, but I feel like this is enough for the general idea what I still disagree with.
I just wanted to make clear that I realized it’s something that annoys me but doesn’t disproportionally affect me in terms of relationships while acknowledging myself as the root of my problem.
Show nested quote +On December 13 2017 09:53 waffelz wrote: The more I drift towards the regular full time work life, the more I feel that I am incompatible with the general dating scene. The older you get the more the groups of people around you stagnate. Even friendships take time that is harder to get by and I therefore feel like my chances of being around someone long enough decrease while at the same time the pool of people varies less. I also feel like that dating in general has become much faster or maybe it has always been. I have a hard time seeing someone having a crush over me for multiple month and not getting anything back that’s above friendship, before she just simply loses interest or forces herself to snap out of it. It just seems like a serious commitment of time that gets less and less justifiable. And to further distance me from blaming others for my lack of success, I totally understand that I can’t expect someone to stick around for me for an extended amount of time. I also have the feeling that longing for someone over multiple month is something that doesn’t exist that much outside of movies after a certain age, but I could be wrong. At least I hope so. And even then the whole gambling on it being mutual starts which I would much rather not think about. I wouldn't say dating has become much faster as much as dating has become more nebulous. You can hook up with a girl tonight, 'Netflix and chill' over the next few months, and still deny being a thing. Meanwhile she might make out briefly with a stranger and mistakenly believe she shares a connection with him. Everyone isn't on the same page regarding the parameters of modern dating. As I described in the beginning, I wasn’t getting at casual hookup culture but more at the still serious dating culture where time or routine has become too much of a factor to chase someone for a long time without results.
Show nested quote +On December 13 2017 09:53 waffelz wrote: It also means that it is somewhat costly for me in terms of time, even under ideal conditions, there are only so much people I can feel about strong enough in one year so I feel like the whole dating as a numbers game works a bit against me, which might have made me a bit anxious. Because of this I try to avoid thinking much about the consequences and to focus more on the situation as it is and how to approach it. I can’t deny that it drags me down quite a bit sometimes. You may want to think about dating as the most straightforward way to determine whether an initial interest will develop into something more, instead of the culmination of romantic recognition between two parties. Basically you're setting yourself up so that you either have all the foundation secured prior to dating or nothing happens whatsoever. This is just avoiding any possibility of risk. I do see dating as a way to determine whether an initial interest could develop into something more serious, my problem is the fact this initial interest never develops until a certain point. It is not a case of me having some interest for someone, but waiting for it to grow enough first or be mutual. This is the cause why much discussions I had in here came to a standstill, people have trouble understanding how absolutely neutral I am towards a women that I don’t know at all. At that point she could be just as well be a man or a robot. This is very similar when it comes to friendships with me, but to stay on the topic of dating, I seemingly just don’t make any connection at all with people that I haven’t been around for a bit of time.
To start a bit of ranting again, this goes so far that when I tried out causal dating, I basically went in with a mental notes of things that I know to be interesting to me at least to some degree and then just went with that because nothing else would really work.
When it came to random hookups it got even more ridiculous where checked that I didn’t find her repulsive and after that I mostly went for whoever I either perceived as a challenge or when it was at an event with friends of mine whoever person would blow their mind most when I was successful because I literally seem to lack an initial inner compass for this stuff. It’s not some risk avoidance or a fear of being hurt, I am convinced I genuinely lack notable sexual attraction when it comes to people I don't care about and I don’t care about people all that quickly. I believe its reasons to be of natural cause since it has always been that way and not only after some bad experiences.
Show nested quote +On December 13 2017 09:53 waffelz wrote:I could end it up with that I already tried to fix it, but it didn’t really work. By now I am almost certain that casual dating and sex isn’t really something that works for me / that I desire, so just approaching random women doesn’t really work for me(Trust me on this one LemOn ). At least it made me a bit less unsure about my market value so it wasn’t for nothing. If someone who can relate to this reads this it would be nice to get a response, PM is fine too. I am really a bit lost on how to approach this since I feel like it is very unusual behavior. You'll get little return if you're trying to "fix" the wrong aspect. Casual dating and sex may not be appealing to you, but there's nothing stating that what you desire is justified in the first place. Bluntly, you've spent the vast majority of this post rationalizing your inability to move on from the topic; either you want a certain amount of resistance or you're hoping this is put to bed. My initial suspicion is that this is more than being out of sync with the current norms of dating, but I don't have much to go on beyond hunches.
I realize that fixing the wrong aspect won’t work, back then I was simply not sure what to make of it. When discussing about how I experience attraction and what not with friends it became very clear that it was very different from their experiences and therefore I first assumed it might just be a misconception. Up to this point I never had casual hookups or a one night stand so I figured giving it a try might change my perspective on things. In the past I also had positive experiences solving issues where I knew a belief of mine or certain behavior to be wrong but kept emotionally justifying it, by just doing the opposite / what I believed to be right. So in part it was an act of defiance in the hope it would clear things up.
I absolutely don’t get what you mean with “but there's nothing stating that what you desire is justified in the first place” though. Since it’s not like I am this way because I made an argument for it, came to the conclusion that this is how I behave and follow it, but rather because it seems natural to me. I don’t really think that if there is something you inherently desire, you don’t need to justify it. The justification stems from the desire itself.
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Well do you mind being single really? If what you say is true you're basically never attracted to anyone and never will be unless someone comes into your circle on her own and stays there - the feeling of missing out must be very low as well.
I'm sure you cut out all masturbation + porn already right, (not doing so would be madness) so you have it much easier than a lot of desperate guys that see women they desire multiple times per day irl or on screen.
Maybe it's time to live your life to the fullest , and if a great girl happens to stick around for a long time, great, if not so what (you know besides your DNA dying out and you becoming the forgotten path of evolution that didnt make it, but a ton of people are okay with that)
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On December 13 2017 09:53 waffelz wrote:Why the fuck is dating so difficult? Why can’t it be simple? “Here bitch, have some perfectly round pebbles. We good now? Awesome.”. Or even better, why can’t it be even simpler. “Damn you brought me some perfectly round pebbles? Of course we are good now girl.” Except it almost is, as long as all you need are some pebbles. In case you haven’t noticed, this will just be another rant. I am frustrated with dating, or more so with myself when it comes to dating. I feel like I am utterly incompatible with the dating scene I am more and more sliding into. It seems I am completely unable to feel much excited about anyone that I haven’t been around for some time beforehand. Depending on the person and how much it can take less long. It is somewhat similar when it comes to friends but as far as I am concerned it’s not really a problem there. What do I mean by this: I could be wrong, but I am certain I never really had any attraction for someone that I haven’t been around for some time, the fastest I ever started dating someone was after being around them for like 3 month and that was someone I spend a big part of multiple times a week with. Usually it takes a lot longer. At first I used to not really mind it. There was even a phase where I even felt quite good about it. It got a slight white knight touch of “I am just interested in M’Ladys character” which I liked for some time. Occasionally it made me feel a bit weird but overall it was ok. It also made feeling strongly about someone very valuable to me, I feel like I would have approached things less seriously if I couldn’t be sure that my feelings were at least to a certain extend serious. It also shaped my views on relationships and my own responsibility when it comes to them in a way that I appreciate for the most part. The downside of it is that I feel like it is much harder to get with someone. It’s either me getting chased by someone that got the determination and patience to stick around until I finally get started or someone that’s around me naturally and things develop mutually. Everything else seemingly just won’t happen since I either never spark up some interest or they lose theirs. It took me some time to understand this about me. A bit over year ago or so I voiced my frustration with how men are seemingly required to do all the active stuff when it comes to dating. Back then I didn’t understand that this wasn’t really my problem and that I was frustrated with my inability to just fall for someone or at least be interested. I thought I was just lacking some initiation back then and I guess it was just the more obvious explanation. I still agree with the general gist to some extent, but I realize now that it wasn’t relevant. The more I drift towards the regular full time work life, the more I feel that I am incompatible with the general dating scene. The older you get the more the groups of people around you stagnate. Even friendships take time that is harder to get by and I therefore feel like my chances of being around someone long enough decrease while at the same time the pool of people varies less. I also feel like that dating in general has become much faster or maybe it has always been. I have a hard time seeing someone having a crush over me for multiple month and not getting anything back that’s above friendship, before she just simply loses interest or forces herself to snap out of it. It just seems like a serious commitment of time that gets less and less justifiable. And to further distance me from blaming others for my lack of success, I totally understand that I can’t expect someone to stick around for me for an extended amount of time. I also have the feeling that longing for someone over multiple month is something that doesn’t exist that much outside of movies after a certain age, but I could be wrong. At least I hope so. And even then the whole gambling on it being mutual starts which I would much rather not think about. It also means that it is somewhat costly for me in terms of time, even under ideal conditions, there are only so much people I can feel about strong enough in one year so I feel like the whole dating as a numbers game works a bit against me, which might have made me a bit anxious. Because of this I try to avoid thinking much about the consequences and to focus more on the situation as it is and how to approach it. I can’t deny that it drags me down quite a bit sometimes. I kind of lost it here, I had a bit more on my mind but after all this is still a rant so I just leave the whole frustration part there. I already spend a lot of thought on it and wrote down a bunch with the intention to make a blog post or something but somehow lost motivation. I realized that there isn’t really anyone in my circle of close friends that can relate so I thought about increasing my reach, maybe I will come around to it at some point. Until then this is propably my first step. Its also good to follow up Volband, keeps the thread a bit unusual . I could end it up with that I already tried to fix it, but it didn’t really work. By now I am almost certain that casual dating and sex isn’t really something that works for me / that I desire, so just approaching random women doesn’t really work for me(Trust me on this one LemOn ). At least it made me a bit less unsure about my market value so it wasn’t for nothing. If someone who can relate to this reads this it would be nice to get a response, PM is fine too. I am really a bit lost on how to approach this since I feel like it is very unusual behavior.
Pretty interesting stuff. I have a friend who is somewhat like this. He also has been a bit disconnected as long as I've known him. Meaning, he just doesn't care to hang out with people that much.
He would be fine with not hanging out with anyone for months and still not have the need to hangout with anyone. I always thought that was interesting because its a bit different and is often referred to as being a bit weird. Honestly can't say why its hard for you to become attached to a S/O. Is there anything in your past that perhaps brought some kind of disconnection? Getting rejected or bullied or something like that?
How do you connect with your friends? Are your friendships deep? Or are they disconnected as well? For me personally, I have a problem with getting emotionally attached quickly. I will barley know someone at all and still have them on my mind 24/7. Its actually insanely annoying at times. I am also introverted so, I don't like going out of my way to meet/talk to new people. Especially women. Then its 10X harder. So, the whole "just go for it" mentality is very hard for me. Also where I work kind of sucks when it comes to meeting women. Warehouse, 2nd shift. You get the idea...
There is this one girl I'm interested in but.. Yeah, no idea how to tread those waters. There is a group that I go to that meets every other Sunday. It's her room mates group. The girl I'm into is there a little more than half the time. If she is there she gets home near the end of the group. Not very many people there thankfully (Yes it is a church group). I also know there are people there, that are interested in me but... I'm not interested. At all. So, how do I have strong feelings for someone who I don't know hardly at all? Doesn't make any logical sense. I am pretty bad at hitting on/talking to women. Although I have attempted to chat this girl up a few times even if it wasn't for very long. Didn't go terribly afaik. Part of me wants to just ask her out right away. Other part of me says, girls like mystery don't rush blah blah. It comes to a certain point for me where, I just want to fess up so I can move on already.
A bit of a double edge sword I suppose. On one hand, I'm getting rid of the thought of worrying about if she likes me or not and I get on with my life. Other hand, I might ruin any chance I might've had. Also don't even know if shes available or not also. I don't have her added on fb or anything like that. I messaged her earlier today, that was a mistake. Partially because I don't know if she read it A. and B I deleted it. So, yeah I might be out on this one. Not sure what to do.
It's seems like were on opposite extremes, imo.
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On December 19 2017 03:59 LemOn wrote: Well do you mind being single really? If what you say is true you're basically never attracted to anyone and never will be unless someone comes into your circle on her own and stays there - the feeling of missing out must be very low as well.
Unfortunately I do mind being single. Having a relationship to me seems like one of the big things in life and I never felt more "in the right place" when I was in one for a bit. It opens up a whole new world of emotions to me and since I generally don't care about someone, really desiring someone and following it is immensely satisfying to me. Being in a relationship, especially when its long term, just feels right / natural to me. And then of course the whole thing that I think relationships and anything with it are somewhat of a skill that I used to be good at but I am unconfident about now. I fear some bad experiences like getting cheated on left their mark and would like to work on that, but can only partially do so without a relationship.
In conclusion, finding a partner seems to be one of my true goals in life that I care about. It makes me feel complete, as cliché as that sounds, and good in a way that I never achieved otherwise. Even if it doesn’t work out to the whole "lived happily ever after" degree, I still am able to improve some important things / fix some flaws.
On December 19 2017 03:59 LemOn wrote: I'm sure you cut out all masturbation + porn already right, (not doing so would be madness) so you have it much easier than a lot of desperate guys that see women they desire multiple times per day irl or on screen.
I found that masturbation doesn’t really have an impact on it. Porn isn't my thing and I only ever watched some with a girlfriend of mine who was into it so too much porn is also out of the picture.
On December 19 2017 03:59 LemOn wrote: Maybe it's time to live your life to the fullest , and if a great girl happens to stick around for a long time, great, if not so what (you know besides your DNA dying out and you becoming the forgotten path of evolution that didnt make it, but a ton of people are okay with that)
Well I kind of feel like I do want to have a family though. Problem is finding a good partner is luck to some degree which gets back at the whole numbers game. Having kids to me also seems like a serious decision that requires you to be very responsible in the choice of your partner. You should have a good idea about your relationship which basically means lots of time, which is another factor.
On December 19 2017 17:52 quake wrote: Pretty interesting stuff. I have a friend who is somewhat like this. He also has been a bit disconnected as long as I've known him. Meaning, he just doesn't care to hang out with people that much.
He would be fine with not hanging out with anyone for months and still not have the need to hangout with anyone. I always thought that was interesting because its a bit different and is often referred to as being a bit weird. Honestly can't say why its hard for you to become attached to a S/O. Is there anything in your past that perhaps brought some kind of disconnection? Getting rejected or bullied or something like that?
There would be some cliché explanations like experienced cheating etc, but I don't really think they are an explanation since some only happened much later. In general this sounds familiar though, there are only a few people that I actively seek out and otherwise I am fine with not talking to a lot of my friends for extended periods of time. Though through some hobbies I currently get in contact with some on a regular basis so this is more anecdotal speaking. And I am notoriously for siding with the victim and ruining the bully’s experience.
On December 19 2017 17:52 quake wrote: How do you connect with your friends? Are your friendships deep? Or are they disconnected as well? For me personally, I have a problem with getting emotionally attached quickly. I will barley know someone at all and still have them on my mind 24/7. Its actually insanely annoying at times. I am also introverted so, I don't like going out of my way to meet/talk to new people. Especially women. Then its 10X harder. So, the whole "just go for it" mentality is very hard for me. Also where I work kind of sucks when it comes to meeting women. Warehouse, 2nd shift. You get the idea...
I would describe my friendships as very deep since they usually are not just build on time spend together / mutual experiences but often through having overcome some troubles together or achieved something. With some of them I also shared some very personal stuff but generally I am more of a listener and problem solver and less of a sharer. So its probably fair to assert that for a lot of my friendships their ties to me are closer than mine to them and in general there are a lot more people that would see me as a friend than I would see them as one. To them I am probably that friend thats a bit evasive for the most part but somehow still always finds time when shit hit the fan.
I am definitely not an introvert though as I don’t have any troubles dealing with people and are very good at socializing to the surprise of a lot of people, I just don't care about it for the most part. And I can pull off the whole "just go for it / snap out of it" thing which I would never advise to an introvert.
On December 19 2017 17:52 quake wrote: There is this one girl I'm interested in but.. Yeah, no idea how to tread those waters. There is a group that I go to that meets every other Sunday. It's her room mates group. The girl I'm into is there a little more than half the time. If she is there she gets home near the end of the group. Not very many people there thankfully (Yes it is a church group). I also know there are people there, that are interested in me but... I'm not interested. At all. So, how do I have strong feelings for someone who I don't know hardly at all? Doesn't make any logical sense. I am pretty bad at hitting on/talking to women. Although I have attempted to chat this girl up a few times even if it wasn't for very long. Didn't go terribly afaik. Part of me wants to just ask her out right away. Other part of me says, girls like mystery don't rush blah blah. It comes to a certain point for me where, I just want to fess up so I can move on already.
A bit of a double edge sword I suppose. On one hand, I'm getting rid of the thought of worrying about if she likes me or not and I get on with my life. Other hand, I might ruin any chance I might've had. Also don't even know if shes available or not also. I don't have her added on fb or anything like that. I messaged her earlier today, that was a mistake. Partially because I don't know if she read it A. and B I deleted it. So, yeah I might be out on this one. Not sure what to do.
It's seems like were on opposite extremes, imo.
Combined, we make a normal human being : D The confusion about being interested in someone you don't know much about is absolutely unknown to me, but maybe that’s just how attraction works for most people? It sounds a bit like love affection on first sight which seems to be a starter for a lot of people, so it might be normal? I have only limited experience with true introverts, both managed things not by "just going for it", but by taking steps that made the "going for it" more bearable / dealt with the mental exhaustion before and afterwards. Ironically talking about it seemed to help a lot. With one I usually skyped and the other mostly chat via text since skype was to stressful for her. Both said they managed talking to someone they were interested in a lot better through talking before / after it with someone, instead of just thinking about it on their own and therefore letting themselves tear every bit and thought apart. It was still stressful but a lot more manageable. They also were much more comfortable to initiate via text but your fb story sounds like you need someone/something that tells you "you are not an idiot, saying X was fine" (in a more elaborate way) first.
Have you ever really approached someone or is this the furthest you got so far? If you previously did, try to remember if there were things that made it more bearable / easier and see if you can replicate them in some way.
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On December 19 2017 21:06 waffelz wrote: In conclusion, finding a partner seems to be one of my true goals in life that I care about. It makes me feel complete, as cliché as that sounds, and good in a way that I never achieved otherwise. Even if it doesn’t work out to the whole "lived happily ever after" degree, I still am able to improve some important things / fix some flaws.
Well then it's really simple Since you don't have attraction You simply write down the qualities, traits and other factors you are looking for in your partner in the long run since that is your goal and short term attraction not only isn't but you say isn't even possible And find venues where you most likely meet people like that, and narrow your search, speak to hundreds while discarding the incompatible and see if attraction develops with the ones that you have't crossed out yet, and treat it as a secondary thing.
Either you're okay with it or you're not and if you're not you take action. I took more or less a year where dealing with myself around women, setting my priorities right, finding a way to be honest And it was one of the years that has had the biggest impact on my life
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On December 19 2017 22:52 LemOn wrote: Well then it's really simple Since you don't have attraction You simply write down the qualities, traits and other factors you are looking for in your partner in the long run since that is your goal and short term attraction not only isn't but you say isn't even possible And find venues where you most likely meet people like that, and narrow your search, speak to hundreds while discarding the incompatible and see if attraction develops with the ones that you have't crossed out yet, and treat it as a secondary thing.
Either you're okay with it or you're not and if you're not you take action. I took more or less a year where dealing with myself around women, setting my priorities right, finding a way to be honest And it was one of the years that has had the biggest impact on my life
That’s roughly what I am aiming at currently, though it has a few difficulties. Since I need more time it has to be something I genuinely enjoy on itself. I also don’t believe in much correlation between character traits and activities with a few exceptions so it has been a bit of a stab in the dark, but I might have to accept that this is the best shot I got.
I teach a self-defense course for women at my university and we occasionally go out after the training but the course is going to be axed after this semester for some feminism bullshit called wendo. After that I will have to find something new that I like that women seem to enjoy as well to cram into my schedule.
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I saw this on twitter as "what if Robert from Cat Person wrote a blog" (see the New Yorker story from a few pages ago).
It's a week long diary by a real person, I can't tell whether it's just sad or pathetic.
+ Show Spoiler +New York’s Sex Diaries series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. This week, a man whose relationship with sobriety comes first: 35, single, straight, Bushwick.
DAY ONE
6:15 a.m. I am awoken by the kids upstairs who stomp around and lose their minds at about 6 a.m. every day. It’s not great. I’m only 35, but I don’t think I’ll ever want kids. I drag my ass out of bed.
7 a.m. I’m smoking a cigarette on my little terrace. The upstairs neighbors don’t seem thrilled I smoke, but I’m not thrilled about their little noisy, early-bird monsters.
9:30 a.m. In my recording studio. I’m not a famous musician, but I’m a working musician who does okay. Today I’m scoring a small indie film. I smoke while I work. I smoke a pack a day. Reds.
11 a.m. I check Tinder every half-hour or so while working. I do this all day and have a bunch of flirtations going on with random women. On average, I go on three to five Tinder dates a week. It sounds like a lot, but I don’t drink, so it’s like, one cup of coffee or one iced tea and the date is usually over.
I’ve been sober two years. Before, I was a fat, gross, lazy-ass, depressed mess. I lived with my girlfriend of five years and put her through hell. I was always drinking or hung-over or farting or living in filth. She ran out of steam with me and I don’t blame her. We probably weren’t meant to be anyway, but thinking of those days disgusts me. Fun fact: She dates women now!
3 p.m. Coffee date No. 1. Daytime dates are usually no good because it means it’s with a freelance-artist type like me, which means usually, they’re a little nuts. Two people who are a little nuts isn’t the best recipe. Maybe the best sex though!
5 p.m. She was a little cold, hard to read. Definitely turned off by my smoking, which pretty much everybody is. No one even tries to pretend they’re cool with it. She was very pretty. Great tits. I love tits — big, small, fluffy, saggy. Hope that doesn’t sound misogynistic — I’m a feminist and pro-female in every way. I have five sisters! They all live in California, as do my parents. I came out here alone for my career after college and never left.
6:30 p.m. I go to an AA meeting. I try to go a few times a week. I’m not really into it, but I promised my mom I’d commit to going so I do. I don’t lie to my mom. I smoke a lot before and after.
8 p.m. I get into bed. Jerk off to image of fucking a bunch of big-titty women. Come into my hand and then use a box of tissues next to bed to wipe up. My orgasms aren’t as strong as they used to be. When I come, it’s quick and to the point.
DAY TWO
8 a.m. I have to record all day long. I do a little Tinder in between and I smoke a lot, but that’s the bulk of my day. Work, Tinder, smoke, jerk off.
8:30 p.m. Comedy club with a Tinder girl I’ve been out with a few times before. She blew me the last time. We’ll see how tonight goes. She’s fun, low-key — which I love. Just not sure she’s into me. Seems like the kind of girl who dates a ton of guys yet really doesn’t need to be with a man at all.
11 p.m. We end up fucking at my apartment. It’s pretty traditional sex, but nice. I like-y. Gotta say, I was surprised how un-kinky she was. These days, any woman under age 25 (she’s 23) seems to be all about the spankings and threesomes. I went out with someone not too long ago who brought two butt plugs to our dinner. She inserted hers, but I couldn’t do mine. It’s really not my thing. This was at a trendy Mexican restaurant in Nolita. I was concerned about her digestion! Also, butt-plug girl smoked, which you would think would be a turn-on for me, but was actually gross. What a horrible, ex-drunk, tit-addicted hypocrite I am.
DAY THREE
10 a.m. A buddy is coming over to the recording studio. He brings some artisanal doughnuts, which I am very thankful for. I eat like a fat pig, even though I’m only a slightly puffy skinny guy. I guess my dick is the same, long — skinny, slightly puffy. I think guys should talk about their cocks more. There’d be less pressure. Like that book Everybody Poops. Every Guy has a Cock. Well, most.
3:45 p.m. I leave the studio to enjoy New York City. I get ramen alone. Then some ice cream alone. I spend too much money on food, but at least it’s not whiskey. Getting sober was a hard journey that involved two rehab centers and a lot of burned bridges, but I do enjoy my newfound sobriety. I don’t struggle with it much. I’d like to sip nice wine with dinner, but that’s the extent of the cravings. And maybe I will one day. Just not today.
8:30 p.m. Smoke. Jerk off. Last Tinder session. Bedtime!
DAY FOUR
8:30 a.m. One of my sisters is visiting today with her kids (two little girls under 10 and an 8-month-old baby boy). I gotta clean up my place. Put on some Tom Petty, my all-time favorite (so fuckin’ sad he’s dead). Clean my place and kind of drift away while doing it. It’s days like this that I’m happy to not be hung-over.
4 p.m. Great day with the sis and her kids. She wants to set me up with some work contact who lives in Brooklyn. I’m game! I’m always game. I don’t want to sound conceited but most girls who meet me like me. It’s just hard for someone to stick in terms of my heart and desires. I rarely want to see someone again. If it happens, fine, and all good because that probably means sex. But the connection rarely goes deeper than that. I’m okay with it. I think my relationship with sobriety has dominated the last two years. I’ll know when I’m ready for someone or something else.
7 p.m. We all go out to pizza. I love being an uncle — I buy the kids whatever the want and they love to play with all my instruments. It’s a really good time. After they all leave for the hotel, my sister texts me a photo of the girl she wants me to meet. Super cute! I text her a quick “Hey.”
DAY FIVE
6 a.m. The little assholes are at it early upstairs. I go to my terrace to smoke and see the fix-up girl, Tessa, wrote back. I like that she’s friends with my sister. My sisters are my best friends. I don’t have a lot of other friends, to be honest. I’ve always been social but I don’t keep up with anyone. It’s my own fault. Again, probably has something to do with addiction and sobriety. But it’s too early to unpack those feelings!
10 a.m. My sister’s kids want to do Times Square and touristy stuff. I’m game! It’s rainy out so it definitely crosses my mind that this would be a much better day if we could booze throughout the activities. Smoking is fine though.
5 p.m. I love my nieces and nephews but I’ve had enough. I go home to some peace and quiet and to catch up on my Tinder chats. I’m going to meet my sister and Tessa out tonight (my sister has a sitter). I choose a resto in Dumbo because it’s touristy enough to make my sister feel like she’s crossing something off her New York bucket list. It’s also because it’s a $7 Uber Pool from me.
11 p.m. Late night for me. YAWN! Tessa was funny. Great personality. She looked a little old, as in sexy cougar, for me. She’s actually only two years older though. I think her job, which is very corporate, just gives her an older vibe. Not sure I’m digging that. But, great girl!
11:05 p.m. Too tired to beat off. Night!
DAY SIX
9:30 a.m. Back in the recording studio trying to make a deadline.
4 p.m. Coffee Tinder date. Her name is Willomena. I’m aroused by long, awkward names. I’m also aroused by her whole everything. I dig this girl. She’s funny, vulnerable, easy to talk to. One neat thing about her is that she is trying to adopt a child. Her brother was adopted and she really believes in adoption. I like it. I’ll be the daddy, I want to say, but I don’t. It’s a hard process and she’s super strong and positive about it all. I like her! We don’t kiss. We hug good-bye. I ask if she’d like to have dinner some time and she says, “Absolutely.”
8 p.m. I text Willomena to see if she can have dinner tomorrow. She says she can’t. It’s possible she’s not feeling me. But I really think she is.
9 p.m. I ask her about dinner for the night after tomorrow. She says something to the effect of “I’ll be in touch!” OUCH!
10 p.m. Smoke my last cigarette, jerk off to Willy, go to bed.
DAY SEVEN
9 a.m. Pretty sure I’ll never hear from W again. It’s possible my sobriety that turned her off. A serious woman who is trying to adopt a kid might be leary of an ex-drunk who smokes and doesn’t have a conventional job. I get it. I’m slightly bummed but nothing I can’t get over in a day or two.
4:40 p.m. I make my 5 p.m. deadline. It would be nice to celebrate. But how? With a Sprite? And with who? I feel a little bit depressed.
7 p.m. I caught up on TV. No shows excited me right now. I miss Breaking Bad.
8:30 p.m. Beat off and go to bed. I am lonely a lot of the time, but there must be something about me that enjoys loneliness — because if I didn’t, wouldn’t I work harder to change it? I want to love to sweep me off my feet … is that a real thing? I’d like to keep the faith that it is.
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that dude isn't Robert from Cat Person though
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On December 19 2017 21:06 waffelz wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2017 03:59 LemOn wrote: Well do you mind being single really? If what you say is true you're basically never attracted to anyone and never will be unless someone comes into your circle on her own and stays there - the feeling of missing out must be very low as well. Unfortunately I do mind being single. Having a relationship to me seems like one of the big things in life and I never felt more "in the right place" when I was in one for a bit. It opens up a whole new world of emotions to me and since I generally don't care about someone, really desiring someone and following it is immensely satisfying to me. Being in a relationship, especially when its long term, just feels right / natural to me. And then of course the whole thing that I think relationships and anything with it are somewhat of a skill that I used to be good at but I am unconfident about now. I fear some bad experiences like getting cheated on left their mark and would like to work on that, but can only partially do so without a relationship. In conclusion, finding a partner seems to be one of my true goals in life that I care about. It makes me feel complete, as cliché as that sounds, and good in a way that I never achieved otherwise. Even if it doesn’t work out to the whole "lived happily ever after" degree, I still am able to improve some important things / fix some flaws. Show nested quote +On December 19 2017 03:59 LemOn wrote: I'm sure you cut out all masturbation + porn already right, (not doing so would be madness) so you have it much easier than a lot of desperate guys that see women they desire multiple times per day irl or on screen.
I found that masturbation doesn’t really have an impact on it. Porn isn't my thing and I only ever watched some with a girlfriend of mine who was into it so too much porn is also out of the picture. Show nested quote +On December 19 2017 03:59 LemOn wrote: Maybe it's time to live your life to the fullest , and if a great girl happens to stick around for a long time, great, if not so what (you know besides your DNA dying out and you becoming the forgotten path of evolution that didnt make it, but a ton of people are okay with that) Well I kind of feel like I do want to have a family though. Problem is finding a good partner is luck to some degree which gets back at the whole numbers game. Having kids to me also seems like a serious decision that requires you to be very responsible in the choice of your partner. You should have a good idea about your relationship which basically means lots of time, which is another factor. Show nested quote +On December 19 2017 17:52 quake wrote: Pretty interesting stuff. I have a friend who is somewhat like this. He also has been a bit disconnected as long as I've known him. Meaning, he just doesn't care to hang out with people that much.
He would be fine with not hanging out with anyone for months and still not have the need to hangout with anyone. I always thought that was interesting because its a bit different and is often referred to as being a bit weird. Honestly can't say why its hard for you to become attached to a S/O. Is there anything in your past that perhaps brought some kind of disconnection? Getting rejected or bullied or something like that? There would be some cliché explanations like experienced cheating etc, but I don't really think they are an explanation since some only happened much later. In general this sounds familiar though, there are only a few people that I actively seek out and otherwise I am fine with not talking to a lot of my friends for extended periods of time. Though through some hobbies I currently get in contact with some on a regular basis so this is more anecdotal speaking. And I am notoriously for siding with the victim and ruining the bully’s experience. Show nested quote +On December 19 2017 17:52 quake wrote: How do you connect with your friends? Are your friendships deep? Or are they disconnected as well? For me personally, I have a problem with getting emotionally attached quickly. I will barley know someone at all and still have them on my mind 24/7. Its actually insanely annoying at times. I am also introverted so, I don't like going out of my way to meet/talk to new people. Especially women. Then its 10X harder. So, the whole "just go for it" mentality is very hard for me. Also where I work kind of sucks when it comes to meeting women. Warehouse, 2nd shift. You get the idea... I would describe my friendships as very deep since they usually are not just build on time spend together / mutual experiences but often through having overcome some troubles together or achieved something. With some of them I also shared some very personal stuff but generally I am more of a listener and problem solver and less of a sharer. So its probably fair to assert that for a lot of my friendships their ties to me are closer than mine to them and in general there are a lot more people that would see me as a friend than I would see them as one. To them I am probably that friend thats a bit evasive for the most part but somehow still always finds time when shit hit the fan. I am definitely not an introvert though as I don’t have any troubles dealing with people and are very good at socializing to the surprise of a lot of people, I just don't care about it for the most part. And I can pull off the whole "just go for it / snap out of it" thing which I would never advise to an introvert. Show nested quote +On December 19 2017 17:52 quake wrote: There is this one girl I'm interested in but.. Yeah, no idea how to tread those waters. There is a group that I go to that meets every other Sunday. It's her room mates group. The girl I'm into is there a little more than half the time. If she is there she gets home near the end of the group. Not very many people there thankfully (Yes it is a church group). I also know there are people there, that are interested in me but... I'm not interested. At all. So, how do I have strong feelings for someone who I don't know hardly at all? Doesn't make any logical sense. I am pretty bad at hitting on/talking to women. Although I have attempted to chat this girl up a few times even if it wasn't for very long. Didn't go terribly afaik. Part of me wants to just ask her out right away. Other part of me says, girls like mystery don't rush blah blah. It comes to a certain point for me where, I just want to fess up so I can move on already.
A bit of a double edge sword I suppose. On one hand, I'm getting rid of the thought of worrying about if she likes me or not and I get on with my life. Other hand, I might ruin any chance I might've had. Also don't even know if shes available or not also. I don't have her added on fb or anything like that. I messaged her earlier today, that was a mistake. Partially because I don't know if she read it A. and B I deleted it. So, yeah I might be out on this one. Not sure what to do.
It's seems like were on opposite extremes, imo. Combined, we make a normal human being : D The confusion about being interested in someone you don't know much about is absolutely unknown to me, but maybe that’s just how attraction works for most people? It sounds a bit like love affection on first sight which seems to be a starter for a lot of people, so it might be normal? I have only limited experience with true introverts, both managed things not by "just going for it", but by taking steps that made the "going for it" more bearable / dealt with the mental exhaustion before and afterwards. Ironically talking about it seemed to help a lot. With one I usually skyped and the other mostly chat via text since skype was to stressful for her. Both said they managed talking to someone they were interested in a lot better through talking before / after it with someone, instead of just thinking about it on their own and therefore letting themselves tear every bit and thought apart. It was still stressful but a lot more manageable. They also were much more comfortable to initiate via text but your fb story sounds like you need someone/something that tells you "you are not an idiot, saying X was fine" (in a more elaborate way) first. Have you ever really approached someone or is this the furthest you got so far? If you previously did, try to remember if there were things that made it more bearable / easier and see if you can replicate them in some way.
I have approached women in public before. Several times. It was kind of funny actually. A few of the times I got their attention and I was surprised and didn't know what to say. So, it was pretty cringy lol. I've had several instances where it came close to becoming a relationship but that was years ago. I ended up getting heartbroken a few times. Oh and by the way, she did end up reading my message and responding... And survey says! Yeah, no it was a no go. ): At least she was really nice about it. Thing that sucks is I just hope its not awkward if I see her at the group again. I also hope she doesn't go and tell everybody that would also suck. Still don't regret it though.
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On December 20 2017 02:26 waffelz wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2017 22:52 LemOn wrote: Well then it's really simple Since you don't have attraction You simply write down the qualities, traits and other factors you are looking for in your partner in the long run since that is your goal and short term attraction not only isn't but you say isn't even possible And find venues where you most likely meet people like that, and narrow your search, speak to hundreds while discarding the incompatible and see if attraction develops with the ones that you have't crossed out yet, and treat it as a secondary thing.
Either you're okay with it or you're not and if you're not you take action. I took more or less a year where dealing with myself around women, setting my priorities right, finding a way to be honest And it was one of the years that has had the biggest impact on my life That’s roughly what I am aiming at currently, though it has a few difficulties. Since I need more time it has to be something I genuinely enjoy on itself. I also don’t believe in much correlation between character traits and activities with a few exceptions so it has been a bit of a stab in the dark, but I might have to accept that this is the best shot I got. I teach a self-defense course for women at my university and we occasionally go out after the training but the course is going to be axed after this semester for some feminism bullshit called wendo. After that I will have to find something new that I like that women seem to enjoy as well to cram into my schedule. No I mean you meet women and you go on dates with then one on one and get to know them that way you don't have to be attracted to them at first, your're just spending time around them to see if she's compatible with you Not hover around them in an activity and commit to it for months
Doubt the girls you're compatible with would mind if you take it slow just date a few women at the same time see if something develops overtime
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Met a girl last thursday. Absolutely gorgeous. Seemed a bit shy though, was not super easy to get a good conversation going. Met for a second date yesterday. Began the date with ice skating in the city. After an hour or so she asked me to join her for a coffee. So we wandered the city for a while until we arrived at the place of her choice. Sat there for roughly an hour and talked. Way better date this time around. Then we went to the subway and as my train came I went for a kiss before I was leaving, and I got rejected. Kind of surprised actually. After that I went home and went to bed, when I woke up she had removed me from tinder without saying a word. Ice cold.
To make matters worse, I fell during the ice skating and hurt my rotator cuff. I just got back from another injury
Met another girl last wednesday. She was on the other hand really enjoyable to talk to and seemed a bit more mature as well. Not really strange since she is 4 years older than the thursday girl. It will be a while until we can meet again though.
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On December 22 2017 06:21 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On December 20 2017 02:26 waffelz wrote:On December 19 2017 22:52 LemOn wrote: Well then it's really simple Since you don't have attraction You simply write down the qualities, traits and other factors you are looking for in your partner in the long run since that is your goal and short term attraction not only isn't but you say isn't even possible And find venues where you most likely meet people like that, and narrow your search, speak to hundreds while discarding the incompatible and see if attraction develops with the ones that you have't crossed out yet, and treat it as a secondary thing.
Either you're okay with it or you're not and if you're not you take action. I took more or less a year where dealing with myself around women, setting my priorities right, finding a way to be honest And it was one of the years that has had the biggest impact on my life That’s roughly what I am aiming at currently, though it has a few difficulties. Since I need more time it has to be something I genuinely enjoy on itself. I also don’t believe in much correlation between character traits and activities with a few exceptions so it has been a bit of a stab in the dark, but I might have to accept that this is the best shot I got. I teach a self-defense course for women at my university and we occasionally go out after the training but the course is going to be axed after this semester for some feminism bullshit called wendo. After that I will have to find something new that I like that women seem to enjoy as well to cram into my schedule. No I mean you meet women and you go on dates with then one on one and get to know them that way you don't have to be attracted to them at first, your're just spending time around them to see if she's compatible with you Not hover around them in an activity and commit to it for months Doubt the girls you're compatible with would mind if you take it slow just date a few women at the same time see if something develops overtime
Well that’s precisely the thing that sounds much more like your usual approach and won't really work for me. First of all, dates are horrible for anything other than initial attraction. Unless the person isn’t aware that you are dating or very honest/have a very unique approach, they will try to present themselves in a good light even if it’s unconsciously. With the exception of some huge flaws a date will give you only a vague interpretation of their personality in most cases. You don't really get to know someone on a personal level, at least not to an extent that is sufficient for me.
The self-defense thing wasn’t just hovering around women, it was an attempt to cater to the fact that I need to be around someone for extended amount of time and therefore should pick an activity that I enjoy on its own because it is very likely that I will just waste lots of time otherwise. I am doing something I enjoy while also having the possibility of getting interested in someone by increasing the amount of women I am around in a natural setting. Basically knowing that going on a quest for women won’t work for me, therefore I try to go not on a quest for women, but in a way that I kind of do [insert jack sparrow “do you understand scene”]. Currently that seems the only realistic way to me. It is still time inefficient and therefore bad, which is why I am unsuccessfully looking for different approaches and as I hinted at earlier for example tried the casual dating thing you described, but it was pretty bad.
To reiterate, the problem way casual dating doesn’t work for me is that it is very unusual that any person becomes more than just some name I know quickly which translates directly into dating. Unless I completely misunderstood you, I feel like you are still trying to apply your standard view and approach on dating to my very different situation while failing to realize my struggles, though the goal is at least aligned. I indeed want to stop playing the numbers game to my disadvantage but so far fail to see how to do so.
Casual dating also fails in part because usually people have some expectations when dating and the other one not having any real romantic interest you even a month down the line I figure isn’t a usual one. I am not completely unconfident about my looks / desirability, but I have a hard time imagining someone enduring that for me . Seems more like a school dating kind of thing that dies out the more you get into work life as I described in my previous post. At this time I am convinced that through me not being interested, casual dating for the most part is a waste of time that arguably even makes things worse as I am actively making people cross me out on their list.
I guess the positive thing to learn from this so far is that at least I made an effort and aim for a more realistic approach to finding a partner instead of hoping for pure luck.
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Admittedly I only skimmed over it, but honestly, I'd put that in the "rape culture" basket and refrain from discussing it in this very thread since it's hardly sharing dating stories and/or asking for advice / opinions.
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On January 15 2018 20:38 Artisreal wrote: Admittedly I only skimmed over it, but honestly, I'd put that in the "rape culture" basket and refrain from discussing it in this very thread since it's hardly sharing dating stories and/or asking for advice / opinions. Well, I wouldn't post it normally, but since it is a dating story and since there wasn't any activity in this thread I figured it was okay.
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Shame on you for getting my hopes of delicious dating turmoil up God I miss the good old girl blogs.
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On January 15 2018 21:10 Grumbels wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2018 20:38 Artisreal wrote: Admittedly I only skimmed over it, but honestly, I'd put that in the "rape culture" basket and refrain from discussing it in this very thread since it's hardly sharing dating stories and/or asking for advice / opinions. Well, I wouldn't post it normally, but since it is a dating story and since there wasn't any activity in this thread I figured it was okay. I read it and have an opinion about it, but I really don't think this is the thread for discussing it.
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All I have to say about that is that there are big gaps in understanding between men and women and a large gray area that forms the border between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
Stay safe, stay smart, and lets leave that topic at that.
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Well, I'll delete it if consensus is that it's not appropriate. *nods*
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Missed it. What B.I.G. say is solid advice.
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