This guide assumes you're an average TL.netter -- i.e., you have a penis and want to stick it in a vagina. Moreover, it assumes you are the typical "nice guy" that just can't get himself a girlfriend or get laid. You're smart, you're not hideous, but you just don't know what to do around girls. Never fear -- this quick three-part guide will show you The Way.[1]
Footnotes (like that one) are red, and point to the end of the article.
Step 1. Getting to sex
Look -- every single one of your predecessors managed to get laid. Every single one of them. And YOU'RE going to be the one that fucks it all up. Do you know that guy in Proleague, whose teammates have squeezed out hard-earned wins, who comes onstage and promptly chokes on a cock and throws away everything his teammates worked for? That's you. Yes, you are an SKT T1 Zerg.[2]
Do you know why? It's because you think about it too much. Haven't you noticed that when you're really trashed, at a party, and your whole frontal lobe is on vacation somewhere on Aiur, you're sometimes just somehow able to grab that cute girl by the waist and twirl her on the dance floor? And then when you're sober again, you're way too awkward to follow up?
To put it plainly, you are hard-wired to reproduce. So the very first step is to realize that somewhere within you, you actually know what to do. And it's not hard. You're just trying to pile on too much of your own thinking, and quite frankly, how has that worked out for you so far? You've been stereotyped into the Smart One, or the Nerdy One, and that's taken over your psyche. You don't think of yourself as a sexual being, you don't sexually self-actualize. You don't convey masculinity or sexual aggression. Quit thinking you're smarter than the 3 billion base pairs in your genome and 4 billion years of evolution, and let it guide you.
Now, I won't bore you with the obvious stuff. Of course you should be stylish, of course you should work out, and of course you should be smart and funny and athletic. Nor am I going to tell you to do all that PUA stuff, where you act like a total asshole and she rips your pants off right there because you're so fucking attractive once you kicked her dog or something. Nor should you carry around those lame magic tricks to impress boneheaded girls with. There are real girls out there that aren't in bars, that aren't total airheads, and who you don't need to call yourself a PUA to get with.
But there's more than a grain of truth in the whole PUA concept -- which is that there is nothing remotely as attractive as confidence in a man. Men have a huge advantage over women in this respect -- while a woman's attractiveness is pretty much genetically determined, a man's attractiveness almost entirely depends on how he carries himself and how he acts. There are extreme cases, sure, but as long as you are somewhere between Brad Pitt and Brian Peppers you have total control over your own attractiveness.[3]
Are you more attractive than this guy? Then you can be a stud.
What does this mean? Well, you want the hottest girl, right? Ditto for girls -- sexually, they want the guy that has the highest value. You think a fawning, sycophantic "nice guy" represents all they can get? If it's obvious that you want her so badly, well, she probably can do better, but she'll keep you around as the friend. The guy that acts like he doesn't need her -- now that's a high-value prospect.
Of course, you have to give up the game at some point and reveal that you're interested in her. But you can't go overboard. It's a tricky line to navigate, but it's very doable. Make her work for you, instead of the other way around. Don't call her back immediately. Don't always have time for her. Don't give her stuff to make her like you. Don't defer to her for little choices. Don't be super emotional. Don't be clingy.[4]
You think he got all those women by being a clingy little pussy?
Of course, you really do want her, but it's critical that it doesn't come off that way. It's not about being a jerk; you can still do nice things, but you have to come off as doing them because you can, not because you want her approval. Make her want you, not just like you. Believe it or not, girls are as horny as guys -- society just frowns upon them expressing it.
How do you actually do it? Just force yourself. Pretend like you are who you want to be. Because the fact of the matter is, sooner or later, you really will become the person you are pretending to be. It just takes a few months, and then you've successfully rewired your psyche into Charming Suave Confidence instead of Stammering Pile of Awkward.
So sooner or later, you'll find a girl -- half the world is girls, after all -- and with your newfound charm and confidence, she'll get horny for you. Hooray! Onto...
Step 2. Sex
WAITWAITWAIT -- trying to get right to the sex is like booting up BW without ChaosLauncher. First you have...
Step 1.9 Foreplay
Sex for women is a lot more than actual sex. This makes sense evolutionarily -- a male partner that's all nurturing and nice and loving is a lot less likely to peace out once he orgasms.
What sex is not, to women.
What does this mean to you? You cannot just 1a2a3a your way into the vajayjay.[5] You must first perform
FOREPLAY [6]
Now, trying to give an actual guide to foreplay is like trying to write instructions on how to breathe. Basic tip: neck, ears, elbow (inside, not outside!), lower back, inner thighs are all erogenous zones and very sensitive. Don't focus on her tits and her crotch, drive her crazy wet first. And do go down on her -- it means more blowjobs for you, and who doesn't love blowjobs? Tip: treat her clit as a super sensitive super small penis (don't worry, no one will know you're pretending to be gay) and you will know what to do.
Now you can move onto...
Step 2. Sex
WAITWAITWAIT ONE MORE STEP
Step 1.95 WRAP IT UP FOO'
Barebacking it with someone you're not in a relationship with is as dumb as 14 CC'ing blind TvZ. Sure, maybe you'll be lucky, and sure, she's PROBABLY 12 hatching, but sooner or later it will catch up to you and you will get facestomped, and if you had just even the least bit of protection, instead of being greedy, none of this would have happened.
Only YOU can prevent the spread of STD's. Good thing Flash doesn't have sex the way he TvT's.[7]
This is especially true if she tells you not to bother with it or that she's on the pill or whatever -- think about it: girl who doesn't want protection means she's not scared of getting it from some strange dude ... means she's probably got it already. (Alternatively, she's crazy and wants you to be her baby daddy.) Yes, condoms suck. But so does AIDS. And losing a damn MSL semifinal because you're a stubborn son of a bitch.
Step 2. Sex (finally!)
Actual sex is really not hard. (Though you should be.) If you haven't noticed, these sections are a lot shorter than Step 1. And there's a reason -- remember all that talk above about how all your ancestors managed to reproduce? If your instinct doesn't kick in here ... newsflash: you're probably gay.
If you've got a problem with coming too quickly, good things to try: doing mental arithmetic, reciting build orders [8], thinking about FakeSteve [9]. Jerking off before sex can help, but it can also kill your libido, leaving your penis to epic fail during showtime.
The opposite problem (not coming quickly enough) is also fairly common. It may be a problem with condoms -- try different brands to see what is most enjoyable. (Trojans kinda suck.) It may also be that you're way too familiar with your own hand to enjoy a vagina. Congratulations -- you have successfully fucked up billions of years of evolution. Stop masturbating for a while and you'll be back to normal. Or maybe she's just really terrible or ugly or whatever, in which case you'll have to start fantasizing -- but be warned, if you yell out "LEE YOON YEOL" during sex, you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Step 3. After sex
Grab the condom, then pull out,[10] tie it up, throw it away. If it's a one-night stand, don't assume you can stay over -- just get your stuff and leave without awkwardness. Otherwise, cuddle. If she brings you a glass of water after sex, she's a keeper.
For dealing with Trapped-Arm Syndrome
Eventually, turn to her and say, "GG YO, RE?"
THE END
Footnotes
[1] Also known as Bisu Build. [2] You are also half the Mets' batting lineup. [3] This is why guys should work out and pay attention to style and such. Not just to look good, but so that they feel that they look good. [4] If you need an obvious example: don't just give your number to a girl, and tell her to call you. Simply hand her your phone, already set to the Add Contact page, and let her know you'll call her sometime. [5] This is a good basis for a rap. [6] To clarify, do not perform this, but rather this. [7] Risky? Boring? With teenage boys? On live TV? For money? You decide! [8] Not out loud! Nothing turns women off more than hearing "8 pylon 10 forge". (Real men 2gate.) [9] Unless you're FakeSteve. [10] It's actually very important that you do it in that order.
Last edit: 2009-06-13 11:18:27
What fun is it being cool if you can’t wear a sombrero?
Faronel United States. June 13 2009 08:35. Posts 658
We have multiple brackets generated in advance. Relax . (Kennigit) I just simply do not understand how it can be the time to play can be 22nd at 9:30 pm PST / midnight the 23rd at the same time. (GGzerg)
This guide assumes you're an average TL.netter -- i.e., you have a penis and want to stick it in a vagina. Moreover, it assumes you are the typical "nice guy" that just can't get himself a girlfriend or get laid. You're smart, you're not hideous, but you just don't know what to do around girls. Never fear -- this quick three-part guide will show you The Way.[1]
But....I'm gay. Does that mean that this entire guide is irrelevant to me? D:
Also. <3 That was a funny guide.
Last edit: 2009-06-13 08:58:06
=^.^=
Athos United States. June 13 2009 08:41. Posts 2459
GrandInquisitor 
New York City. June 13 2009 08:27. Posts 7913![[image loading]](http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/ii181/METHDICK/brian_peppers1.jpg)
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Racenilatr United States. June 13 2009 08:38. Posts 2756
boesthius United States. June 13 2009 08:54. Posts 9795
