i saw the stupidest snake yesterday. it was googly and cross eyed lol. i don’t think female snakes actively select for intelligence though, so it’s okay. the efficacy of wearing glasses for aesthetic appeal amongst serpents is probably not high (enough) - that is why we don’t see 4eyed nerd snakes. he came on our boat with most gleeful innocent happiness and kept yapping about how wonderful everything is. i wish i was stupider.
i can’t sleep because haploid won’t stop singing that have a good night’s sleep on us, mattress discounters! song. i tell him he’s an idiot but he says he has glasses and can see all the things. wasn’t i just talking about glasses? weird coincidence. well haploid you don’t have to sing at night, you have all day to sing but you don’t sing then you only sing when i’m trying to sleep.
“i’m just a product of my environment, you know?” he says, delightfully quivering in his stretch. cats are so fucking full of themselves. haploid yawns and is asleep within a few minutes. why that little punk. i wanna just stick duct tape all over him and make flip out.
that mattress discounters jingle writer must have made so much money. people know his work too. it’s like how fortune cookie writers have huge audiences even though they aren’t very famous. i really want to write jingles. best job ever?
update on our pirate ship status: this thing is huge and since there’s so few of us we each have mansion-sized living quarters with gardens and stuff. it’s so nice wow. the stupid snake lives in my apple tree and is obsessed with apples and keeps telling people to eat apples to keep doctors away. but the evidence for that is purely anecdotal. steve ponker never lets us eat apples because then he’s liable if anyone gets sick.
well now i’m walking up on stage to do my comedy central special, and i can’t really remember how i got here. nice crowd though, too. fiji water in a bottle. too classy a venue for dasani. this microphone is pretty heavy. i sniff but it gets amplified and i’m annoyed. motivational thought of the day: just the fact that you’re alive and don’t regularly suffer unimaginable pain means that you haven’t (yet) squandered your relatively fortunate placing in the birth lottery. it’s callous to say but it’s almost a downright luxury to have the worst experience in your life be suicidal depression. makes me feel better about everything i have.
hmmm that depression bit didn’t go over with the crowd to well. lots of sad animals turn to comedy for relief. thinking out loud during a show can be dangerous! back to jokes. fish and dam. mole asses = molasses. a bit heavy on the puns... at the end i try this new bit where i advertise our boat during the show and people laugh because they think it’s funny that a comedian is abusing his position to advertise during a show. it’s so easy it’s almost cheap, to make people laugh and like you when you do whatever you want.
on the walk home the length of my steps was more variable than usual and i couldn’t really figure out why. trying to make them equal becomes an obsession, to have every third step be on a crack. when i arrive at the campsite, the Ark is on fire.
no, not fire. it’s... lanterns? and fluorescents and disco balls and torches? what is this crowd on our boat? there is a group of gray gorillas setting up a grill in my garage. turtles trundling, birds blapping, fish fubbling in a 20 story tall crystal tank installed into the shit itself. so many species. haploid is there admist it all with a tophat, directing animals with luggage cases to their makeshift rooms.
did they all decide to join us??? wow i am really good at marketing. hmm i feel a slight regret because now i only have my room to myself but really, that's all i need. lying on my bed that night, my eyes get a little blurry and i am hit by a windshield of happiness as i realize all the cuteness around me. and haploid is on the other side of the glass, having reaching splat speed by himself from inside this automobile of fuck. and we’re looking at each other, silently yelling and screaming in amazedness, arms all flailing about. so many friends!!
the festivities continued for a few more days. straggler animals came every now and then.
it started raining today and steve ponker says it’ll be for over a month. he looks stressed and upset since he has been leading this franchise since the beginning but management is a bitch. bad Q4 postings. for the first time i feel sorry for him, he just gets told what to do and harassed all the time when he has no real control over this planet!!!! it’s like he doesn’t even exist.