I'm not crushed, or broken, or depressed, maybe not yet, just plain ol' sad. Regret.
Today. Today she was supposed to come over to my place and take all her stuff, and leave. We had a fight in the morning, where she was ignoring me and playing games with me over text, sending me one worded cryptic answers on purpose to prove a point, that I got angry easily over nothing; I did get angry, because I knew she was playing games with me. We were supposed to meet on Sunday to have a grand farewell, but in my anger I told her to just come over today and fucking get done with it. She complied.
She bought us some La Mian with Xiao Long Bao's and we had a somber dinner on my bed. She loved to eat on my bed, much to my disdain. I think about the first time I met her, and I am overwhelmed with emotion. We laughed, we grew, we cried, we loved. I think about the first time I met her, up to date the biggest, most life changing decision that I have ever made.
She was uncomfortable with staying overnight at our friends birthday party, which is where we met, and she wanted to leave, for there was a strange girl making her uncomfortable with her sexual advances. I told her to lie to the rest that she was going to bring me to the toilet, to isolate her, and then I told her, this party sucks, let's get out of her.
We went to the beach, we talked about how we had fucked up, abusive parents. We looked each other in the eyes. We made love. I decided then and there that this, slightly crazy, happy go lucky, tiny girl was mine. We were together for 2 years. Oh how we have changed so much. I used to wear Polo shirts, baggy jeans and white leather shoes when going out; now I put in more effort in my clothes when going out. I used to hate women with a vengeance, and she showed me feelings that I never knew I needed. We were both broken souls, damaged goods, with things that we were trying so hard to escape from, and we found a little, warm and cozy place to hide, within each other. I can remember our dates, I remember all of them, I remember her forcing me to go back to the beach to watch some laser, water show thingy; I swore never to go back to the beach after getting insane sand fly bites from our first meeting. I remember showing her Facebook profile to my friends, I remember the reactions on their faces, for usually I was attracted to trashy girls, and this girl seemed really decent.
I have grown more in the past 2 years with her, than I ever had the first 18 years of my life before I met her. She was a part of me, a part of my life. There was absolutely no part of my life in the past 2 years she was not involved it. It hurts so much to think of the past, because she was there every step. She was there when I started watching Starcraft 2 and it grew into my passion. I remember how she's complain and roll her eyes whenever I ranted to her about Idra throwing some game, or Huk become one of the best Protoss in the world. She painted my room and put up pictures of Lim Yo Hwan, MMA, Naniwa (Because she couldn't get a good picture of Huk) and Idra, and she installed a shelf on top of my bed and put our pictures there, for my Christmas present.
She was there when I moved through my little phases, over tailored clothes, watches and weightlifting. I experienced so many things I have never done before, with this girl, she showed me what life had to offer. I don't know what i was doing before, but after I met her I never felt more alive. Before her, for the past 18 years of my life, I never had a shoulder to cry on not a person to tell my deepest, darkest secrets. I remember the very moment after meeting her, after our first encounter, for the first time, I felt that I was not alone.
This sweet little thing that crawled into my life, defined me, made me into who I am today, and I guess I am grateful for that.
We didn't do much when she came over. We ate dinner, and we hugged each other. There was nothing much to say. Much has already been said, perhaps too much, things that weren't meant to be said and shouldn't. I packed all of our pictures, her love letters to me, her cards, into a bag, and put it aside for her. Too much pain and regret for me to be able to keep these things around, I want her me take care of it for now. She gave me back my birthday card and said it was for me. Before I met this girl, every single birthday, for as long as I can remember, sucked. She made me feel special during my birthdays. I will never forget that. On one of our dates, she baked me some cup cakes, and put love letters in them wrapped in aluminium foil. One time when she went over to my place, she hid tiny pieces of paper with sweet love messages all over my house for me to find.
How do you let go of someone like that. Someone who gave you everything you ever wanted. How do you forget someone like that. I survived the last 18 years without her, but I was not alive and I don't ever want to go back to who I was before. Where can I find someone like that, who loved me so intensely and made me her everything.
Every time I go out partying and drinking at night clubs, I hold on to this hope secretly, that I may find someone just like her. A little crazy, a little damaged, naive, but laden with love. I remember one time after getting into an argument with her, she told me this, "Darling calm down, stick with me and I promise you that you will find an oil that will last you a life time."
So much emotion, so many things that could have been, so many things that should have been, so much pain as I reflect on these precious two years of my life. I'd give anything to go back and relive them again. Maybe if I had done something better, if I had treated her better, if I hadn't taken so long to realise that what I wanted was staring right at me in my face, maybe we could still be together.
For the past 18 years, waking up everyday was a chore, sleep was the only event in my day that I looked forward to. I never showed it, but she made every day brighter. Every day she restored in me the hope that I once clung on to so dearly but lost. I was cynical, angry, confused, but she stayed on, never losing faith in me, no matter how much I hurt her or failed her.
I want to be angry at her, I want to call her a slut, I want revenge, but I can't. Because I know, because I need to believe, that she really did love me then. Perhaps she still does. Time will tell.
We made out one last time, and she took the things from my apartment and left. She pulled out the photos of us from the frame that she put on my shelf; I wanted her to keep them, but she couldn't bring the whole frame back. One of the photos from the frame was torn into half, but pieced back together, many months ago.
She told me the truth, that she got into a fight with the new guy, because he found out that she was still going out with me, and she needed to make some space for him in her life, and some space for herself to clear her mind too. She revealed to me that they got together officially 11 days ago. Maybe that's why for a brief moment I saw a tear leave her eyes after we had sex, but she never told me why.
I walked her down to the guard house and told her to stop. I held her hands, so soft and flawless, firmly.
"Please don't go, I need you."
She looked at me silently and looked away.
"Sorry I need to go."
I gave her a hug, one last time, and I walked her out to the road. We were able to flag a taxi pretty quickly. In our final moments, we kissed each other, one last time.
"Bye bye...I love you...", her hands slipped out of mine as she got into a taxi, smiled at me and left.
One of my happiest moments with her, when we played dress up for Men's Fashion week.
Full series of blogs on me and the girl in order
Good bye my lover, good bye my friend
The Royal Boy Toy
Late Night Revelations
I choose to be here
Fucking Horse Dentist
Relationship sort of girl