my problem i guess is that i lack motivation to pursue a specific field of education, maybe because i expect too much of it or dont know enough about whats out there. I spend a lot of time thinking about bw strategy, about how various builds interact with eachother and analyzing various plays for weakness and shit like that but somehow dont see school in the same way. Maybe its that i feel some sense of value in the originality of my thought process in regards to broodwar, as if im breaking new ground and achieving something, but really im only playing a computer game. I should concentrate on something that makes me money, right? because thats what matters in the real world. somehow i dont care about enough about that at the moment to change my habits even though ive never felt like ive had enough money. I have an addictive personality, and generally have only a few select interests at a time which im passionate about, most other things i dont really care too much about. so in order for me to accept school and succeed at it i think i need to obsess about it the same way i do about broodwar. i hear about various peoples experiences going through school and i think, why would i want to go through what that person is doing, it sounds like voluntary hell. and then what you get after is just a bigger paycheck. who finds satisfaction in their career? how do you do it, and differentiate it from satisfaction in your hobbies? The way it seems to me is that most people tolerate their jobs, and then concentrate on whats actually important to them individually after work, but to me thats a smothered existence, one i dont look forward to living. Id like to believe that theres a way to live the saying "love your job, and youll never work a day in order life", but i havent found it so far.
Ive considered two main post secondary fields - engineering and psychology. Engineering because of my logical/analytical style of thinking, and psychology because i have a lot of questions about the mind and what makes people happy, as i am not. I would probably be good at engineering, but ive never had enthusiasm to learn about it. i have no references for its relevance to my life, so its just another job. Im not sure how good id be at psychology - its possible id be as good as the effort i put into it, as with anything. psychology is more interesting than engineering, but the real world applications are dubious. I could counsel people - sure, helping people makes me feel good, but i dont envision that position as worth the many years of school required for it. giving people advice, or teaching is appealing if i communicate knowledge that i have gained on my own, not spouting a standard curriculum or doctrine. maybe i should go into academia to further pursue knowledge..but knowledge in what field? my current field is broodwar. i enjoy figuring out its intricacies more than learning about anything else, but as it is only a computer game im also left with a feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction after stepping back and realizing that nobody really cares except for me.
so if youve managed to read this far, i would appreciate feedback from people who are really satisfied with their life and why that is, specifically in regards to school vs gaming. Or even those who arent so satisfied but have some perspective to offer..its true that as you get older, video games can lose their appeal as you concentrate more on fulfilling personal relationships. maybe i just dont have enough of those fulfilling personal relationships, but i dont make much of an effort to pursue them because i feel like i want to build myself more than share with other people ; i dont really have a lot to share at the moment. but build myself into what, is the question? I lack a vision of a better future