Last sunday I went to the Zoo. Great stories don't start that way, but abusing Nina's quote: „I don't know how you get these stories, they're probably all made up“ (quote totally out of context, I'm sure she said it) – the but doesn't make sense, so I do emphasize: It was a great story and I like to share, because it was the funniest weekend in a long time. And it's just one day.
I'm living in a house + Show Spoiler +
(I don't know why I wrote limitations, but in my head it made sense at the time). We usually do not go into each other's flats, even though we can. Everyone knows how to enter the other people's places – literally. My door doesn't close if you know where to push, I respectively know where the other people's keys are, or where to push their doors. Be that as it may, we respect boundaries. It's funny that way, it's entertaining, and we're all fiends, except the junkie and the alcoholic in the attic flats. (yeah there are, but they can't leave their flats without waking up everyone). Also, there's a funeral home in the basement, with employees greeting everyone with a „we waited for you, glad you finally arrived!“
That's where I feel at home and I wouldn't change a thing.
Anyway. Last saturday, I mentioned, in between doors, in the hallway, that I'd like to go to the Zoo in Nuremberg. Just for fun sakes, and because I'm bored. My upstairs neighbour went apeshit on the idea, and so we went.
Skipping Saturday after the brief conversation: I got messed up. In my defense, it was a German thing – there was a stray chest of beer and I made my move. On move 7 I decided it's probably bed time. On move 7c, three Vodkas later, I check-mated myself. Until my alarm clock woke me on 7 a.m. Sunday reminding me I had to leave, if I ever wanted to get the train to the Zoo.
To explain: I wasn't entirely sure my neighbour would follow up either, like... we're not that different. For all I know, my neighbour would have experienced a stale mate with two bottles of wine. Which would mean no chances in hell for the Zoo. That would have been boring. Turns out, it was one glass of wine and bed time around 9.
In turns, this also meant an energetic, well rested neighbour and myself going to the Zoo. Hail mary, dear Gecko, you got this. Blood pressure on Fritz level – in the basement.
The train ride
Didn't happen shit, but I kept conversation going. By pointing fingers on other people sleeping, sipping on my water, telling: at least I'm not that old. And by other people I meant the one guy cheking our tickets. Who looked funny at me. So did my neighbour. Who is at least five years younger than me, which means there's no understanding for the term „hang over“. Neighbour mentioned to not pick on ticket people in the „Deutsche Bahn“ trains, because making horoscopes is an art and the „Deutsche Bahn“ perfected that system.
Nuremberg, Train Station
Do you know, when you are hung over, you light your very first cigarette of the day, the one between all the booze and the blurry rest of the day, and the whole world starts to insist it's time to spinn around yourself? As in: your body says it's Earthy-Quake-Jelly time (wobbly, wobbly, funny taste?) Yeah, I was drunk again, without drinking anything, which in turns is the wurst for Germans. My neighbour, while I was clutching the hand rails of the train-thing and focussed to not trip over while sitting down, helped an eldery lady into the train.
I'm not kidding, the elderly lady nodded in approval, looking at ME, not at my neighbour. I'm not making that up. My neighbour was a hero, helping that poor woman, but I got all the credit. Not only that, the old woman said: „A wise man knows when to let other people do their bidding. Good for you!“. This was so unexpected, the rest of the journey went in silence.
Yeah... went out, purchased the ticket and we were in. First stop: I don't know. We were in, checking the plan and discussing whether or not I was to use the kid's train around the area. I didn't really feel like walking, reasons obvious to any rational being. Except my neighbour, who was still thrilled by „all these animals“, none of which were in sight range.
Anyhow, the first stop featured an empty cage. Thrilling. But since I studied „something with animals“ (sociology) I knew giraffes were up next (I like animals and the Nuremberg Tiergarten [I work in the Federal Labour Agency]). To see these marvellous creatures you have to go around a house, you don't see them directly. My neighbour didn't know. I pulled out my cell phone and put on the Jurassic Park Theme by John Williams. And then slow walked around the house in the slowest speed possible, with a ton of Elementary School Kids follwing us. I also overdid my kind of surprise to see the tall creatures eating from trees. It's been a while since parents stared at me so flabberghasted, not knowing what to say to me. At least they weren't as pissed as other parents were later.
Next stop: My neighbour insisted going to the pet zoo. Every zoo has a pet zoo, except Nuremberg, which calls it „children's zoo“. In German this term is ambivalent, as it can be translated ordinarily, or the Belgian way: „the Children zoo“. My neighbour tried to feed kids with popcorn. My neighbour thought it was funny, My neighbour got glares by infuriated mothers. Actually, only one, who thought it was odd. The others thought it was a little strange, but didn't act upon it.
Mutually, we decided to eat an ice cream. Not that we liked it or anything, or that I was ready to eat ANYTHING, really. But it was tempting. To just stand there, „enjoying“ a cone within a group of kids, praising the taste of the experience, saying things like „my mother used to buy me one, whenever I was in the zoo“, or „if I had a kid, I would buy an ice cream for him/her/Artanis[Xp]*“. We repeated this at least five times. That's how much money we spent on ice cream during the day, not neccessarily in the same area though.
Marvin, Der Gölleraffe
At some point we got bored teasing kids, hence we got to see apes. The sun was burning down, it was hot and I was sick of ice cream. But we had two, two (!), bottles of beer: Göller, a lokal brand. A somewhat decent one. So we sat on a bench and drank it. In front of apes.
My neighbour decided to take a picture of the ape with a bottle of beer somewhere in between (I still don't know what the result should have looked like). It wasn't an easy task, as the sunlight made it hard to get the ape and the beer in one frame.
While my neighbour tried different angles and lightning, and anything artsy people do, a stranger approached. Jaw wide open, asking me if that's normal: „At least my neighbour isn't totally drunk yet, else there'd be screaming and cursing, so just ignore that. My neighbour is still a very, very drunk and very peaceful nutjob“. Neighbour turned around, heard only the last bit and screamed, from the top of the lungs: „you fucking cunt, shut the hell up, or I'll cut ya' legs!“. So I sighed and said: „I guess we have to leave now“ and put up a sad face. I got a tap on my shoulders by the stranger.
When my neighbour calmed down after hearing what I said (approximately 15 seconds), we chatted where to go next. „I like the idea of this insect house you found on the map, EWWWW A BUG“. After the panic stopped, we went there. And spent another 30 minutes in, or even more. We used to wait until families went over the hanging bridges to cry out „did you see that fat spider over there?“.
Well, as we realized people idled in there a lot, we thought it'd be best to leave before people stopped looking for spiders. On our way out, my neighbour stated it'd be „boring anyway“, because „I do not find any tiny animals on my own“. The same second a small kid cried out: „look, this is a giant bug mommy!“. My neighbour, obviously, started to look over the kid's shoulder, starting with a long „wow, that's a fat and REALLY ugly one“, then turned around and was about to leave. At least I could get out a quick: „let that kid be, she can't help it!“. And then quickly followed before the enraged mother could follow us. (the kid din't hear a thing)
It doesn't sound like a lot. It was. The next day, at work, I recounted all the probable causes of the mangers throwing us out for different reasons. I think the number was sixteen. Other things we did involved things such as:
- Playing the Jurassic Park Theme whenever old people came by
- discussing loudly whether or not seals would eat children whenever children were around
- discussing our Hogwart's letter around children at the owl's cage
- screaming „make that the [animal] makes something exciting!“ whenever standing in a group of people
- painting Bob Ross like at the lakes, except we drew bad pictures and actually had people looking over our shoulders Glider style
- loudly argueing in front of the lion's cage whether or not the funeral home in our basement story was more exciting than „that“
- following around random strangers in the garden around the tropical house, loudly humming the Indiana Jones theme
Why did I write this? Why is there no Chewbacca? Don't ask me.
Moral of the story: don't get dragged around by some random girl with a tatoo of her couch's geo coordinate's on her shoulder. Thank god I don't know any sane people, life would be that more boring.
Greetings to Chapa
To the rest, thanks for the fish
*JIJ BENT MIJN LIEVE BLOEM